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Thread: Am I expecting too much too soon?

  1. #1

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    Am I expecting too much too soon?

    I met this guy online end of Feb, and we had one date just before lockdown in our city.

    We never saw each other again until the third week of May because of the Coronavirus pandemic. Still, we texted and kept each other company throughout lockdown, which was very nice.

    As soon as the lockdown was eased we arranged for me to come to his house and we had a good time together. Since then weíve seen each other every weekend either on Saturday or Sunday.

    Now I know itís early days and we are learning to know each other, but whatís really bothering me is that we didnít do things the usual dating way where you go on a few dates with someone before coming to their house or getting in bed with them etc. Call me old school, but thatís how I like to do things.

    During regular times I would expect to be taken for a night out either for a meal, a nice walk to the park, or to the movies. Or spend at least some nights together and so on, but so far none of this has happened even with the easing of lock down. I basically come to his house, we have sex, and I leave.

    This guy has his daughter still living at home part-time (she's in her 20s) . I havenít met her yet and I donít expect that at this stage, either. I canít visit when sheís there. And for some complicated reasons, he canít come to my house as I have not introduced him to my son yet.

    Weíve been seeing each other since the end of May, restaurants, and bars have reopened in our city for three weeks now. But he has never taken me out (I have no issues paying half the bill if he ever offered), but there is no sign that he intends to. However, every Saturday, he plays Rugby then finishes the day and night with his friends drinking and socialising. Iíve never been invited and I haven't asked either as I don't feel inviting myself is a normal thing to do. Although I donít feel ready to meet his friends yet, I feel like I'm being used as the girl he sees on the Sunday for quick sex to wrap up his weekends.

    Sex is fantastic between us, and weíre definitely both attracted to each other, but Iím beginning to feel like that's the only thing he's interested in.

    Heís never asked me to be his girlfriend, when I asked him what he was expecting from our dating, his answer was that he likes me but donít want to rush into anything... I donít want to be pushy but at the same time I don't want to waste any more time with this guy if he's just playing me up.

    If he is a player he's good at it as he constantly keeps in touch, checks on me like someone who cares so I am very confused.

    I would I would love to hear your opinion on this. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, your instincts are correct. It's just hookups, so if you want dating or a bf he's not your guy.
    Originally Posted by MHanah

    Sex is fantastic between us, and weíre definitely both attracted to each other, but Iím beginning to feel like that's the only thing he's interested in.

    Heís never asked me to be his girlfriend, when I asked him what he was expecting from our dating, his answer was that he likes me but donít want to rush into anything

  3. #3
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    I donít think he has serious intentions with you if heís never so much as asked you on an actual date.

  4. #4

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    Thank you for your input. I did think that the way he's treating me is bizarre, I didn't want to be pushy but at the same time it doesn't feel right.

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  6. #5
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    We only are treated how we allow. I get it - you couldn't date traditionally because of lockdown - but YOU could have steered the dates to meeting at outdoor cafes, outdoor recreational activities, etc, and you agreed to go to his house and have just said "it doesn't sound like he will take you out". But have you suggested? Btw, i don't think its appropriate to meet family either

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I learned at a young age that I bond when I'm sexual, so it's important for me to really get to know someone and be selective about who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

    So it makes no sense to sleep first, ask questions later. I won't go anywhere with anyone unless I know where I'm going--and whether he's meeting me there, or whether that's wishful thinking.

    Raise your bar, and you'll thank yourself later.

  8. #7

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    I totally agree that I'm also to blame for allowing our dates to start the way it did. Lesson learnt...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Acknowledge the slight bend in your judgment but don't go beating yourself up, I think. Slow down a little, don't agree to meeting him for Sundays and be clear that you're looking for something more serious. If his response is as tepid as his previous responses... well, I think you know what to do.

    Try and avoid unfulfilling relationships and connections. You may find more fulfillment in deeper friendships and still have sex with partners or someone you trust on the side. If you're looking for the whole package, you'll have to slow down and vet your dates a bit better.

    There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex or your body. Just know who's good for what.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MHanah
    I totally agree that I'm also to blame for allowing our dates to start the way it did. Lesson learnt...
    That doesn't mean you need to eat it. Just be honest and tell the guy, "I've come to learn that I bond when I'm sexual, so before I dive in too deep, I'd like for us to pull back on the sex until we establish where we stand with one another."

    If he ditches you, then you're better off without him, and if he's receptive to getting to know you as a human until he's ready to bond with you to the same degree, then he might be a good match.

    It's never about trying to 'keep' someone at all costs, it's about screening out bad matches before involving yourself too deeply. Getting hooked on someone who does't align with what you want is painful, but trying to pretzel yourself to manipulate him into giving you what he never intended to give is even worse.

    So relax and get honest with yourself, first. Then extend that honesty to him. If he sticks around, great--big relief. If he doesn't, then he didn't deserve you in the first place.

    Head high, and drop the word 'blame' from your vocabulary. We're all just doing the best we know how at any given moment. Skip playing it 'cool,' that's for kids.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    That doesn't mean you need to eat it. Just be honest and tell the guy, "I've come to learn that I bond when I'm sexual, so before I dive in too deep, I'd like for us to pull back on the sex until we establish where we stand with one another."

    If he ditches you, then you're better off without him, and if he's receptive to getting to know you as a human until he's ready to bond with you to the same degree, then he might be a good match.

    It's never about trying to 'keep' someone at all costs, it's about screening out bad matches before involving yourself too deeply. Getting hooked on someone who does't align with what you want is painful, but trying to pretzel yourself to manipulate him into giving you what he never intended to give is even worse.

    So relax and get honest with yourself, first. Then extend that honesty to him. If he sticks around, great--big relief. If he doesn't, then he didn't deserve you in the first place.

    Head high, and drop the word 'blame' from your vocabulary. We're all just doing the best we know how at any given moment. Skip playing it 'cool,' that's for kids.
    You don't even have to make a big announcement about it. Come up with an idea for an actual date that involves meeting eachother out and going home alone. Even if the excuse is an early morning. If he cannot manage to have an actual date, then the talk about pulling back on sex isn't necessary. You will be pulling back on sex by not creating an opportunity for it. If he complains that he rather stay home and have sex -- you have your answer. If you both have a great time on out of the house dates, then that's another answer.

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