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Thread: Is my partner a serial cheat?

  1. #1
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    Is my partner a serial cheat?

    I recently discovered a few emails sent by my partner of five years on Boxing Day to various women from Craigslist (classy! Until this week Iíd never even heard of it) seeking sex. Actually asking things like do you meet in person? Or replying to them indicating he is interested in Ďfun mutal sexí. I have confronted him and he says he didnít actually follow through on it- the thrill or turn on is from the arranging it!?! Iím not a idiot! Then add into the equation that on Boxing Day he left my me and daughter at my mums to return to our house ahead of a holiday the next day with his best friend. So he leaves, he sees his dad, goes to a swimming spa and then within a couple of hours is trying to arrange these hook ups. To add insult I tried to call him at the exact time he was messaging these random women. He ignored the call and was MIA for 4 hours finally getting in touch at 9pm saying ďitís quiet and lonely hereĒ he obviously needed some sympathy or care from me by 9pm poor lonely man on Boxing Day all on his own!?!.
    Iím posting here because in his world he thinks that it should be fine and people have all sorts of weird kinks, fantasies and hell its not like he even went through with it - despite no contact during the whole period he was trying to hook up. And, itís not the first time. Wind back 3 years, nothing on this scale but we had a massive chat, boundary setting and ironing out what trust means. My gut instinct is that he relationship is over we canít get past this...I just canít believe he canít come clean. He says he was feeling a bit low, on his own Boxing Day back at home. I had gone to see family and he was home as was going away the next day. I mean most people 4pm Boxing Day after doing nice things crack open the chocolates, watch movies and wait for their holiday. Even more I rang and text him at the exact time he was doing this when he allegedly felt low and he didnít respond. I know the answer to all this I just canít believe the level of bull he wants me to buy into. Iím fuming!!any thoughts or advice appreciated Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Boxing Day as in December 26 2019? This is 7 months ago. Please get checked for STDs and see your doctor immediately. Start taking care of your health.

    Yes, the relationship is over. No, this is not normal and nor should this behaviour be assumed to be "fine" on any level especially if the both of you don't agree or can't see eye to eye on what "weird kinks" or "fantasies" are ok in a relationship.

    Don't waste the anger lashing out or fuming. Redirect all that energy and book an appointment with your doctor. End the relationship.

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    Thanks, yes Boxing Day 2019!

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yikes, actually glad to see you fuming instead of asking us how to reconcile. Yes, he is a serial cheater and not only that but with prostitutes. The lying insanity....honestly don't even bother trying to talk to him anymore because he'll just infuriate you more as he will continue to lie, blow smoke up your arse, treat you like a complete idiot, and otherwise try to justify his behavior as "normal". Don't even bother going into that rabbit hole of madness. You have all the information you need.

    Put that anger into getting rid of him with extreme prejudice and please get tested for everything asap. He didn't just cheat, he intentionally put your life and health at risk and didn't care.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Where there is smoke there is fire.
    Meaning when you see some sign a like this there is likely twice as many things you don't know.
    What strikes me is he has no remorse when confronted. I would think had he really simply been curious and the found out and normal response would be embarrassment, shame and remorse. Instead he gaslights you as if you weren't aware that most people have kinks and with seems to take the issue off the table.
    I had a coworker go through the same thing. She stayed, ended up with an STD, policed his every move, basically had a nervous breakdown, lost her job due to repeaded absenses and ultimately alot of other dark things came to the surface.
    She wish she left at the first sign.
    I'm sorry. It's devastating to know and harder to come to terms with.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live together? Have you gotten tested for STDs? Being a martyr is not going to stop him from prowling for random sex.

    btw, once cheating, lying, etc are involved, why stick around for it to become "serial"?
    Originally Posted by Alicia22
    I recently discovered a few emails sent by my partner of five years on Boxing Day to various women from Craigslist. I had gone to see family and he was home as was going away the next day.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-17-2020 at 11:41 AM.

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    I only found out on Wednesday evening so no not checked for STDís yet. I did mention I needed to do that, he said thereís no need. He has said sorry and shown some remorse but I think itís more about getting caught out and losing the life we live and plans we had. Weíve lived together for over three years. He has a massive problem with honesty. He doesnít lie (I donít think) on a day to day basis - except possibly of his whereabouts now Iím at this point- but heís always available and reachable by phone. He just seems to have a secretive darker side and when weíve talked before it just feels like he canít properly open up and gets more secretive and covers his tracks better. Itís sad and I am naturally oscillating between feeling tearful and crushed to fuming that heís a ing idiot on so many levels. And now heís feeling devastated thatís itís over and heís lost everything. I canít help feel a bit sorry for him because what a place to be in life. Equally we have live with my nine year old daughter who he has know since she was 3 so thatís going to be a crushing blow to her too. But your advice is welcome because there is no point going down the rabbit hole with him as whatís the point of trying to rationalise with someone who has so little self control or a value base the same as mine. Itís easier to talk here because our lives our bound up with family and friends and I canít bear to tell many people right now (only a couple of friends) especially as there wonít be much impartiality. It just s be right off if I talk to him as I can neither believe or disbelieve his version that he never met up with anyone and it was the thrill of arranging it (I mean someone tell me as I cannot see it- is there a thrill in just doing that) so Iím left hanging in the balance with only the evidence which is pretty bloody damming. Iím mad because his actions have now caused my life today to feel upside down - Iíve just started a new dream job, my daughters broken up for summer holidays and I feel utterly distracted. I am strong through and will take care of my mental well-being very soon and try not to give this too much air time 😊

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    Good point on why stick around for it to be serial..

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So sorry about all this.

    Honestly, does it really matter if this is just thrill seeking behavior? Sure, it's a possibility. But that means your life is still intwined with someone who (a) needs to arrange sex with others for a thrill and (b) is immune to being honest, per your own description. Those two variables in and of themselves, I think, are more than enough to know this isn't the life you want to live, no?

    Best I can tell, it seems that, for all the lurid discomfort of this moment, it's really an extension of tensions and disconnect that have been simmering between you two for years. So what I would see, in the present "evidence," is irrefutable proof that those issues are only getting worse, not better. Do the math there and you don't come up with an equation that bodes well for your happiness, or your daughter's.

    You sound like you've got a very strong core. Keep leaning into that, and away from this, for strength and guidance.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Understandably your world seems thrown upside down, but it's better to face facts than be hurt more down the line. Whatever you discus with a doctor is strictly confidential so that is at least one resource you can speak frankly to.

    If he is a chronic liar, get a checkup and ask for STD testing. You've known about his extracurricular sexual trysts for 7 mos.
    Originally Posted by Alicia22
    I recently discovered a few emails sent by my partner of five years on Boxing Day to various women from Craigslist

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