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Thread: Hes focussed on work. Will he comeback around?

  1. #1
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    Hes focussed on work. Will he comeback around?

    Yesterday I met with a guy Ive been on/off dating for about six months. Hes a doctor and had been dealing with Covid patients, so for the last few months wed been texting but not much more. (Ive posted about this before)

    So we met yesterday morning for a walk. He is finishing his current medical rotation at the end of the month, and starting a new, challenging position in a hospital about an hour away at the beginning of next month.

    I asked him where he saw dating going for him with all the changes hes got going on at the moment, and we had a very open and honest chat. He said at the moment he cant commit to anything more than casual dating because hes worked so hard to get to this point that he just wants to fully focus on it and knows he couldnt commit to the type of relationship hed want if he was properly dating someone at the moment. I really respect his honesty, and in return I let him know that I want to date with the potential that it could progress to something more. He said he wont know how his new normal will look for another couple of months.

    We had such a good chat that it then progressed on to lunch and a whole afternoon together. We put the world to rights, discussing everything from how previous relationships weve both had have affected us now. For him, hed been in a relationship a few years ago which had taken over his life and had not ended well and he regrets letting his dreams slide for a while. For me, Ive been in a bad relationship and so I want to make sure Im on the same page as someone early on. We discussed how many kids each of us would want, how hes nervous of what type of dad hed be. Etc etc. We then went for a long walk, and he spent the whole time hugging me, touching my face and kissing me. Its as if he felt the pressure had been lifted and he could be open with me.

    So we left it at that. I sent a follow up text to say I really appreciate him being so honest with me, and that I wish him luck for this new job but I know hell be a super success.

    I really felt yesterday that I showed him the best of me, my dreams, goals and priorities and Id love to think Ive left him with some food for thought about what I could offer him as a partner.

    My goal now is to move on while also keeping that door slightly open to the possibility that once hes settled in this job, that hell think of me and realise that I could offer him a lot of positives. I feel like its not every day you open up to someone how we both did to each other yesterday. Is this a good sign that he may return in a few months? Should I even hope for that?

  2. #2
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    He enjoys your company, but I would not put yourself on hold for him. I personally see your conversation with him as a fairly general (rather than "opening up") one so I wouldn't attach too much sentimental meaning to it. It's not unusual to talk about past experiences and hopes for the future when you're dating someone, in other words.

    He might indeed come around, or he might meet someone else together. But what I notice is that you are trying hard to prove to him how great you are; do you feel he's doing the same thing for you? Do you think he's worried about showing you what he offers you?

  3. #3
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    You briefly dated him a few years ago, you briefly dated him this year.
    He doesnt sound like he wants to do anything but briefly date.
    My guess is yes he will return in a few months but for what?

    You are looking for more than he is ever willing to offer you.
    So if or when he returns, politely decline. ???

  4. #4
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    "I really felt yesterday that I showed him the best of me, my dreams, goals and priorities and Id love to think Ive left him with some food for thought about what I could offer him as a partner."

    Well - no -it's not like an interview - so you show a person that over a long period of time while dating once a week or so and sharing holidays, family situations, good times, illness (including gross colds), stresses and wonderful stuff and vacations - that's what shows a person whether your "dreams, goals and priorities" are compatible with his - when he sees those in action. By contrast, a future employer can't date you over a period of time or spend that much time before deciding so they have to go on your pretty words no matter how genuine sounding or heartfelt - they take that risk because you're just an employee typically. Choosing a long term partner -whole different story.

    True story -many years ago I had a three hour first meet over coffee- he got really "deep" word-wise - we talked a lot -I probably shared a lot too. Then he wanted to walk me home (not to come to my apartment -total gentleman -just for safety) - I said that I'd let him walk me to the supermarket across the street from my building as I was going to do some shopping on the way home. He asked if he could come -I laughed and said I didn't know him well enough and wasn't ready (lol) -I made it very clear I'd love to see him again. He said the same.

    I never heard from him again. I think I know why -I should have cut the date a lot shorter- the first meet I mean -because I think all that sharing (nothing at all scary on my part - not like a therapy session at all) -was too much too soon/too overwhelming and he probably liked the conversation but lacked the spark . Sometimes short and sweet is better -leave 'em wanting more -be like a package with many layers he can slowly unwrap.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You haven't been satisfied with how much he communicates with you or gets together with you presently, and now he will have even less time for you and be farther away. You're the one who has typed what you did you went away all happy and hopeful, whereas all I saw is that he wants an occasional romantic companion without being exclusive.

    The reason he probably felt free to discuss possible future faraway dreams of the number of children he wants is because you didn't get all upset about his saying he only wants to be casual with you. When you discussed how many children you want, weren't you thinking of him as the father? I highly doubt he pictured you as the mother of his children since he has no plans to be exclusive with you. You're painting some lovely picture that is only going on in your mind, not his.

    When two people have two different dating goals, it's not going to work. Sticking around and hoping he'll eventually match you in those goals is a huge waste of time. When you are attempting to tie yourself to someone who only wants to be free, you won't be emotionally available for a guy who actually shares your dating goals.

    It usually takes dating a boatload of guys before finding one who matches you in every major way. The trick is to cut loose the ones who don't make the grade so you can quickly move on to the next prospect. At the rate you're going, wasting already half a year, which will turn in to a year since you're willing to wait around, it'll take ten times longer to find the keeper.

    I suggest going no contact for closure. In my experience, when a guy is finally ready to settle down, it's always with someone else, not the woman he played footsies with. Everyone else can see he's just not that into you. As for you, you're willing to settle for crumbs for a reason you should likely explore.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't see this progressing. He's just been honest with you about his career and work and instead of respecting that, it went down talking about how many kids you'd both want. I think he was overcompensating by hugging and kissing you excessively. This seems ridiculous and annoying. I wouldn't have thought too well of it.

    You're searching way too hard for a future with this person and I think you'll be sorely disappointed. Don't sleep with him and keep agreeing to meet up with him if you are constantly yearning for more. The situation is very one-sided.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you enjoy hooking up that's ok, but believe him that he doesn't see you as gf material or take this seriously. The "busy at work" thing is just to keep it casual. If he were serious he would tell you and you would know it.

    Do not wait around. All you will see is that he finds the right woman at the right time and you were just a fun diversion.
    Originally Posted by rubys
    He said at the moment he cant commit to anything more than casual dating because hes worked so hard to get to this point that he just wants to fully focus on it and knows he couldnt commit to the type of relationship hed want if he was properly dating someone at the moment. Should I even hope for that?
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-17-2020 at 12:43 PM.

  9. #8
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    Also someone who says that about casual dating during a first meet likely isn't that into you in the first place-did you discuss your general relationship goals before meeting?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think where you are getting into trouble is all the focus on him. You're basically continuing to sell yourself to him as a potential girlfriend. But he's telling you straight out its only casual. And being open? come on that was probably a nice chat, but nothing more. Where are you in here? what you want and being willing to reject what you don't?

    Nothing has changed. And if you continue to play with him, then he'll sleep with you here and there.

    He disappoints you with this and you gush over he being honest and thank him after! like "hey, yeah. you're so great... you cant give me what I want but thanks for dangling that carrot, sleeping with me... and being so open. I'm hooked. Whatever you want"

    Are you just that impressed by a doctor? serious question. Don't you think you deserve more?

    I read somewhere and it resonated with me.... Women can grow to love. Men love from the get go or they don't. When he finds his love, he will make it work.

    You are worth so much more and you'll find it when you close the door on being treated like this.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I think where you are getting into trouble is all the focus on him. You're basically continuing to sell yourself to him as a potential girlfriend. But he's telling you straight out its only casual. And being open? come on that was probably a nice chat, but nothing more. Where are you in here? what you want and being willing to reject what you don't?

    Nothing has changed. And if you continue to play with him, then he'll sleep with you here and there.

    He disappoints you with this and you gush over he being honest and thank him after! like "hey, yeah. you're so great... you cant give me what I want but thanks dangling that carrot, sleeping with me... and being so open. I'm. hooked. Whatever you want"

    Are you just that impressed by a doctor? serious question. Don't you think you deserve more?

    I read somewhere and it resonated with me.... Women can grow to love. Men love from the get go or they don't. When he finds his love, he will make it work.

    You are worth so much better and you'll find it when you close the door on being treated like this.
    I think he's treating her with forthright, direct honesty and if she consents to casual dating and/or casual sex she's an adult and can do so. I think she's treating herself with self-deception.

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