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Thread: Did my friend try to hook up with my ex?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by AxlVega
    I guess this boils down to the dilemma of whether to trust someone who has been openly deceitful around others, even if as far as you know that person has never deceived you. Like every time I read about someone leaving their spouse to marry someone else I wonder why would you marry someone who would evidently leave their spouse?
    Has this friend of your been deceitful around others?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you still in contact with (or follow the social media of) Mike or Jane?

    Would it bother you if they dated?

    Did you feel Jane was out of your league and Mike got the girls?

  3. #13
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    Jane was single if or when she hooked up with Mike. As was Mike.

    Granted mike was your best friend and cut your grass.

    Itís highly probable that it happened.

    Is he going to do it again? Unlikely since you were all young back then and it happens in college.

    Either trust him currently or donít. But donít base it on something that happened 8 years ago.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AxlVega
    What would you do in this situation?
    Why are you so worried about something that happened so long ago? Serious question.

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  6. #15
    The reason for some the responses is because youíve been in a relationship for the past 7 years and suddenly this event from the past is eating you up. You have a good friend and long term partner by your side. I agree the time youíve been spending thinking about this long ago event is stealing time away from your current girlfriend.

    You should try to determine why this has become an issue. Something must have happened in your current relationship to make you reflect back on your time with Jane. Either that, or youíve had a bit of free time to think about random things, which led you back to this event. Pretty soon, one thought has snowballed into a real life problem.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AxlVega
    @Rose Mosse
    @MissCanuck

    Hadn't posted here in 4 years, didn't even remember the name of the forum until I googled my user name. "Living in fear" is a bit much. I hadn't really thought about this thing in years and still don't know what triggered it. I guess quarantine and having way too much time to lose in pointless reminiscing.

    As for that line about "no room for betraying that trust", I simply mean that IF I felt my friend is the kind of guy who would wait around for relationships to die before he can swoop in, then there's really nothing to fear cause I'm in a good, healthy relationship now.

    I guess this boils down to the dilemma of whether to trust someone who has been openly deceitful around others, even if as far as you know that person has never deceived you. Like every time I read about someone leaving their spouse to marry someone else I wonder why would you marry someone who would evidently leave their spouse?
    Focus more on your relationship and other friendships. I think you have valid concerns - they're just not very balanced, maybe due to the quarantine issue and not being able to hear from others or see how other friends and family are doing or thinking.

    The issues you have with Mike seem to be his choices and overall lack of judgment or poor judgment. Limit the amount of time you're talking with Mike or how often. Talking to or being around this friend of yours is causing you to be insecure with yourself. Whether you judge him for being deceitful or determine that is your moral compass and it's your decision but make up your mind about whether he's a good influence or not. You seem protective of him but you also know he's not the greatest person or doesn't treat people the way they ought to be treated. Draw the line at some point: Mike's problems are not your problems so stop taking them on.

    My general rule: You can associate with, bounce ideas, chit chat, go out with occasionally and keep up a friendship of sorts with someone like this but you don't let them into your personal life and any issues with your relationship. What's between your partner and you is between your partner and you.

    I think you're questioning your own moral compass by associating with your friend. All good questions and not something to shrug off as pointless reminiscing. Eventually both of you may grow apart. It shouldn't be so devastating if you can recognize his deceitfulness or disagree with how he treats others.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I would tell myself that who my friend chooses to boink is none of my business, especially if it's a woman you no longer have romantic ties to. I'd also assure myself that I've been in a loving relationship with another woman for 7 years, and that it's probably best I channel my energy accordingly. I don't throw the "t" word out there as often as most, but if this is really getting to you after years, I agree with the others that it should be a real consideration.

  9. #18
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    This pandemic has triggered PTSD left and right for so many people including my hubs. I think because of what you endured back then, the pandemic has made it horrible for you. What really helps would be EMDR therapy. But if you wouldn't consider that, retraining your brain can help to minimize the trigger. Everytime you picture it, imagine a wall moving right to left squashing it away. Or everytime it comes into your mind, tell yourself out loud all the positive things in your life, or talk a walk, or starting running. I know that sounds silly, but learning to do something different will stimulate and create new connections in the brain.

    If you are having this full on trigger your anxiety after 7 years, you do have some issues whether you want to admit it or not. And if he did something, would you still be friends with him? If yes, forgive him. You don't have to say, "I forgive you" to him, but you can write a letter to him and her about how you are feeling. Read it to yourself, and burn it. Cuz let's face it - not you or your friend or God can go back in time to change what happened. But I know what you are feeling is very real for you.

    IMHO, I think she hit on him. He turned her down. Maybe they kissed, but ultimately, I can tell he still turned her away. That's why he was panicked of her possibly telling you. If he totally wanted to hook up with her, and even tried make the 1st move, he wouldn't be running to you frantically about it. He would have just played it off like she was a "Ho" and deflect from what he did.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Let it pass these are all feelings that you dont need to react to, yes its disturbing you a lot, whenever you feel bad about all this and it comes again and again you tell yourself you deserve better, tell yourself that loving you is more important here and you need not go through some situation that will cause pain. Past has no meaning to your present, is it helping you with your own personal growth? What if they did hookup? what if they not? in both cases how does it help you, finding the truth or a lie, nothing matters to your present and your future.You have chosen to move on so commit to that in full!

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