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Do I tell a possible blind date I'm overweight?


Wafils

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It's been a million years since I've posted here, or even thought about dating! I've (mid 30s, F) been single for >5 years, not a single date nor have I made an effort. My last relationship was LT ~7 years- and it took a very long amount of time to feel over him. I've focused on other areas of life (mostly career and family) instead. Unfortunately I've also been eating poorly. I'm working on losing weight - have lost 30 pounds in past couple months- but haven't been normal weight in probably 8 years.

 

Now some acquaintances are trying to set up a blind date. I agreed they could give him my number. I'm excited, but I'm a bit anxious about my weight/size. I'm much heavier than I've been previously in my 20s while dating so not sure how to approach this. I haven't talked to the potential date yet, but I have a strong feeling I should mention my size. From the sounds of it, he wouldn't be particularly judgemental about this, but attraction (whether we like it or not) is based at least somewhat on appearance! If we have a good chat and he asks to meet up, I'm thinking about saying sure...but just so you know, I'm a bigger lady, roughly #s overweight..something like that.

 

For reference -I'm in the 220s (height 5'6") so definitely noticeable. I think I carry the weight fairly proportionately, however. If he asks for pictures I'm stumped! I have zero I like, I look better in person by miles because I'm not especially photogenic. This was to my benefit when I online dated before, but now I'm in a pickle.

 

What do you all think?? I've heard contrary opinions - some say don't say anything, it's a "blind" date and see what happens. I've also heard I should describe myself honestly..I'm torn! Thank you :)

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I would recommend not describing yourself but actually sending both a full body and a face photo. You forget that attraction is not necessarily only about body size, but a number of things. It's also about the face, someone's smile, fashion sense. I for example can be attracted to fashion sense too because I like wearing bright, colourful clothes. So it attracts me if someone wears that too. He'll see you in real life anyway so why not show what you look like now? Also don't you wanna see what this guy looks like too?

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I'm not all that photogenic either. However, if I were you, I'd ask a friend or family member to take photos of you in different lighting--outside, inside, by a window, etc. and try different outfits. Sometimes there's a good photo in the bunch. I'd probably exchange photos, because I'd rather not waste time and have a big build up if one or both of you aren't each other's cup of tea. Of course liking each other's photos doesn't guarantee success in person, but it's one hump to get over. Take care.

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I say do whatever feels right to you. But my gut opinion? No, you don't tell him.

 

Reasoning? Well, it's a few things. One, that's just leading with insecurity, which I don't think does any favors for connectivity. Two, I'd at least trust that anyone that wanted to set me up on a blind date is doing so with good intentions—that they know who I am, what I look like, and have some sense that I might get on with someone. As others suggested, it would maybe be a good idea to have a few photos of yourself that are honest, to be shared in these moments, so the basic, surface-level stuff is more a known than an unknown.

 

Most dates don't lead to anything. That's just the hard fact of dating, regardless of the shape and size of the two people. When it doesn't work out? Sure, we're all prone to blame it on something we're insecure about, be it our weight, our age, our bank account, our whatever. But that's the mental mechanism we learn to shake off, rather than indulge, since there is not a human being on planet earth who isn't insecure, working on something they're insecure about. With the right person that's just something you can work through alongside, rather than something you need to solve.

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Blind date, just means what it is...you don't know what you are going to get. That's the whole idea behind it. It's not a dating app....it's supposed to be mysterious, exciting and fun. None of this lets talk on the phone and exchange photos....it's just date and time and you go, that's it. You are making this more complicated than it should be. Put on your best dress, a smile and be on your way.

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If you have mutual acquaintances they may have mentioned things about you to him and about him to you. Just relax, go see what happens. Do not use any sort of preemptive strike. Try to make it a very casual situation perhaps a double date with your friends.

Now some acquaintances are trying to set up a blind date. I agreed they could give him my number. I'm excited, but I'm a bit anxious about my weight/size.

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Since mutual friends are setting you up, trust that they've described you and probably know that he would be interested or that you are his type.

 

Honestly, OP, please don't vomit your personal insecurities over a person you haven't even met yet. Instead, maybe work on yourself and your attitude. Not every guy is into skinny women and there is a whole lot more to chemistry and relationships than what the scale says. Open your mind and go into the date expecting to enjoy yourself and actually allow yourself to do so. Tell your inner critic to take a vacation.

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Ok, I like (and greatly appreciate!) the advice so far. I just want to avoid any disappointment or the dreaded 'deer in the head lights' (or worse) look upon meeting. I'm not sure the person who is setting it up is aware of my weight, I haven't seen them in years (a friend of a friend). But my friend did mention my anxieties about my appearance (possibly that I'm fuller figured than when last seen, I don't exactly know) and was assured there shouldn't be a problem. So..I will see what happens! If nothing else I'm getting back out there possibly, no matter how bad it goes it will be an adventure!

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Ok, I like (and greatly appreciate!) the advice so far. I just want to avoid any disappointment or the dreaded 'deer in the head lights' (or worse) look upon meeting. I'm not sure the person who is setting it up is aware of my weight, I haven't seen them in years (a friend of a friend). But my friend did mention my anxieties about my appearance (possibly that I'm fuller figured than when last seen, I don't exactly know) and was assured there shouldn't be a problem. So..I will see what happens! If nothing else I'm getting back out there possibly, no matter how bad it goes it will be an adventure!

 

Listen, go into it without any great expectations other than just to enjoy yourself and get to know a little another person. That's it.

 

You can't control what someone else thinks or feels. Also, chemistry is something that you can only determine in person - pics and videos won't cut it. You can meet in real life and still be disappointed that you don't feel any real life chemistry even though on paper you should, by pics you should, etc. Basically, don't focus on trying to control what you can't - just go and be fun and that will ensure a good time for the both of you regardless of where it goes or doesn't from there. Also, think more on what you think of him rather than worrying what he thinks of you.

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I'm not all that photogenic either. However, if I were you, I'd ask a friend or family member to take photos of you in different lighting--outside, inside, by a window, etc. and try different outfits. Sometimes there's a good photo in the bunch. I'd probably exchange photos, because I'd rather not waste time and have a big build up if one or both of you aren't each other's cup of tea. Of course liking each other's photos doesn't guarantee success in person, but it's one hump to get over. Take care.

 

I like this. Also, since you are getting back out there, you will need photos if you are considering online dating. I also wouldn't send a photo unless he asked, as it usually isn't done for a blind date.

 

Congrats on the weight loss.

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I just want to avoid any disappointment or the dreaded 'deer in the head lights' (or worse) look upon meeting.

 

Totally understandable. But also? Totally impossible to avoid. Key is to learn to chalk it up to "dating" rather than to "you," or your weight, or your whatever.

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It's possible you may not click or care for him. He's probably nervous that he's not tall enough or rich enough or smart enough or driving a cool car etc etc etc. He's just human also. Just be your best and exude confidence. Smile, have fun, relax.

I just want to avoid any disappointment or the dreaded 'deer in the head lights' (or worse) look upon meeting.
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I mean I'll be honest, and not at all to take away from the amazing progress you've made to improve your health through weight loss (seriously, congrats and keep it up!), but if you're obese and it isn't exactly a new thing, I doubt your friends are going to try to set you up for a blind date with a fitness model. Not because different body types can't or shouldn't be attracted to each other. Just a matter of them being kind to both of you accounting for the odds. I'd suspect the guy is likewise packing some extra weight himself. No biggie. And if that's the case, and if he's gonna then hold your weight against you despite it, that's a bullet dodged.

 

In any case, given you guys haven't yet spoken or decided whether to actually go on a date with each other, I think you're getting way ahead of yourself. Let's wait for that to happen first. If it does, do a nice and light, low stakes date like grabbing a coffee. While anecdotal, I can count on one finger how many times friends trying to set up friends has turned into any kind of success story, so I'd put yourself at ease grounding your expectations a bit (without getting cynical of course).

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I would be honest if he asks. Congrats on the weight loss!! The number one thing the many many men I met and communicated with through set ups or online sites- the number one thing they complained about was women who were dishonest before meeting about weight. Age was second. Like women who complain when men are dishonest about height. If he doesn't ask no need to share.

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Just a question Wafils.

 

Have your acquaintances given you any kind of description of HIM? Physical and otherwise?

 

Just wondering.

 

And yes, Wiseman:

 

"He's probably nervous that he's not tall enough or rich enough or smart enough or driving a cool car etc etc etc."

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If you have mutual acquaintances they may have mentioned things about you to him and about him to you. Just relax, go see what happens. Do not use any sort of preemptive strike. Try to make it a very casual situation perhaps a double date with your friends.

 

I agree with this^^

Your friends must think you'd be a match and they know what you look like. I don't think they would set up for disappointment.

People come in all shapes and sizes. It's probably best to come from a place of confidence rather than doing some sort of preemptive warning. It kinda showcases your insecurity about it.

Confidence is attractive. Be your best self and have some fun.

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Haha thanks everyone, I'm definitely way out ahead of myself (as always when it comes to dating/relationships/attraction etc).

 

To answer the inquiries about *his* appearance: the impression I have is he might be bigger too, he's kind of a broader/tall build overall. The deal is, my tastes lookswise are all over the map anyways: none of my exes looked remotely alike. I can find tall or short, thinner or heavier, more hair or less, etc, attractive as long as they click with me, not always an easy feat given my reserves.

 

I'm mostly concerned with shared sense of humor/ability to connect and communicate over any aspect of appearance. I've been told this guy is pretty easy going, but somewhat introverted. I too am introverted. Overall I'm very open to meeting and ready to dip my toes in..JUST don't like feeling I don't look my best. I kept putting off dating to lose weight first but who knows if that day will come!

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That's ok. Everyone at some point does not look their best. If you're open to getting to know someone intimately or date, you'll need some of that confidence to carry through. At the end of the day he can take it or leave it.

 

Don't agree to doing anything you're not comfortable with. You sound like a very sweet person. He should match you in your level of care and consideration. If you don't sense that, don't pursue it.

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I say go on the date with confidence and your head held high. I have a friend who constantly reminds me “You have fat, you aren’t fat.” So don’t become confined to your body in your way of thinking. There’s so much more to you and if he doesn’t like it, then you dodged a bullet!

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I would tell your possible date that you're overweight. Revealing your weight and height could actually save you a lot of time and trouble in the first place. Why go out on a date if he judges you on the first date based upon your physical appearance? I wouldn't want to go through the hassle of a first date if my weight and pounds are an issue with him. If he's unfazed by your weight and height, this is a good sign! I'd be honest and upfront before going out on a date with him. I would want to know now what he prefers; 220 pounds at 5' 6" or someone else. I wouldn't waste my time, energy and resources on a date who would dump me at first glance. If he's going to reject you, better now than later IMHO.

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Can you look up his social media? You know his first, last name and location, no? Also make sure your own social media has upbeat fun photos and posts.

 

Getting your persona out there is a start especially if you hope to try online dating at some point. It helps to have some flattering pics. You need to be yourself. Remember there are plus size models in sports illustrated now, so tastes vary.

 

In this case since it's through mutual friends there is no need for descriptions or pics. However in online dating apps a flattering face and full length pic will avert any "deer in the headlights". Try to take the stance of the chooser, not the chosen.

To answer the inquiries about *his* appearance: the impression I have is he might be bigger too, he's kind of a broader/tall build overall. I've been told this guy is pretty easy going, but somewhat introverted. I too am introverted. Overall I'm very open to meeting and ready to dip my toes in..JUST don't like feeling I don't look my best. I kept putting off dating to lose weight first but who knows if that day will come!

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I would tell your possible date that you're overweight. Revealing your weight and height could actually save you a lot of time and trouble in the first place. Why go out on a date if he judges you on the first date based upon your physical appearance? I wouldn't want to go through the hassle of a first date if my weight and pounds are an issue with him. If he's unfazed by your weight and height, this is a good sign! I'd be honest and upfront before going out on a date with him. I would want to know now what he prefers; 220 pounds at 5' 6" or someone else. I wouldn't waste my time, energy and resources on a date who would dump me at first glance. If he's going to reject you, better now than later IMHO.

I agree with this too! It is better to know now then wait for first date. Then you don’t waste your time and emotional investment getting ready for the date.

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