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Thread: Was I too sensitive or insecure??

  1. #1
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    Was I too sensitive or insecure??

    Hi everyone! This is a pretty long story so I would appreciate it if you would bear with me.

    10 months ago my boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me. We've known each other for about 7 years and we went to college together. I always had a crush on him but he didn't know. Long story short, he asked me out toward the end of the last semester. We were both around 22 at the time. He was very serious about the relationship and he made it clear that he wanted to marry me.

    Little by little and reluctantly, he told me about his past and his childhood. He told me that his father had been married twice before he married his mom and he had managed to hide it from her. He was an alcoholic who used to beat her up. He was also a cheater and an addict and at some point my ex had to buy him drugs when his father was too sick to do it himself. He died of kidney failure when my ex was about 18 and it kinda left him in charge of the family which consisted of his mother and sister.

    His past made me a bit alarmed since I knew growing up in such circumstances would affect you one way or another but it made me very protective of him more than anything.

    He was my first boyfriend and I was his second real girlfriend but he was quite experienced when it came to sex since he had had a lot of one night stands and he used to be somewhat of a player and he used to party a lot. None of these concerned me much until in an attempt to tell me how different he's become and how much he's changed he told me that he's slept with a lot of girls and they were all prettier and hotter than me (I was pretty offended since I had not asked for this information, nor had I claimed to be the most beautiful girl ever) and that he had almost cheated on his ex and he found it hard to stay faithful to her. What he was trying to say was that what he felt for me was beyond looks and appearance and that he had never felt that way about anyone before. That was kind of a red flag for me and it made me a bit insecure and sometimes I would ask a few questions about that incident to make sure that he was a different person and that he had grown past it but I almost had my anxiety under control. Another issue that made me kind of scared was the first time we had sex. My first time was very difficult and painful. He bore with me for a while and he was very careful so as not to hurt me but when we finally managed to do it, he lost control and when I asked him to stop he didn't. I thought he hadn't heard my voice so I tried to move away from him but he kept me still and went on. It made me feel like he may not be able to control his impulses in the heat of the moment.

    A year later, he developed some sleeping problems which led him to see a few doctors and specialists. He finally told me that he had been feeling very depressed for a year and that he had always been depressed except for the few years we went to college. He said he had managed to hide it from me and his family quite well because he didn't wanna worry us although I later on realized that some of it might have been because he didn't want any of us to ask him whether he was okay or to get help.

    The fact that he had managed to keep something as huge as that a secret from me when he kept insisting on us starting a life together and getting married broke the trust for me but I couldn't really say anything to him for a while because he was having a major depressive episode and talked about suicide. I begged him to seek therapy, he went to a therapist for a few sessions reluctantly and then dropped it. He didn't even want me to talk about his depression and ask him how he was but sometimes he would tell me things like how sometimes he would go to bed wishing he wouldn't get up the next morning. It was really hard for me to understand how someone who hated life so much and wanted to die, talked about getting married and starting a life together. I tried to help him through it as much as I could. I even got him to go to the gym again and do stuff that helped him feel better. I helped him with his thesis and almost wrote it for him since he was going through a family crisis and there was no way he could make the deadline without help. I sometimes cooked so that he wouldn't have to take me out to lunch since I knew he had some financial difficulties at the times.

    I tried to keep my anxiety under control but the fact that he had managed to hide something like that made me feel like he is good at hiding things and that he might hide anything from me later on. His story about having cheated on his ex kept coming back to me and made me feel like he might do that later down the road if we get married. He was not very good with confrontation and he didn't wanna talk about a lot of his problems. His depression and his family issues put him under a lot of pressure and I felt like he was not giving me the time and the energy that I needed. He told me I was his number one priority in his life but when it came to actions he didn't treat me like it. When I asked him why, he said it was because he was more comfortable with me and he couldn't say no to family members. To me, if felt like he was taking me for granted. The whole thing made me into an insecure mess. I started becoming anxious and kept asking repetitive questions about the cheating incident, whether he still loved me or not and stuff like that. I never accused him of not being trustworthy though. I always acknowledged the fact that these were my insecurities and that he would just help me by answering my questions.

    There were also some trivial issues that I made a huge deal about. I live about 1 hour away from him and I used to go to his place by the subway. He would pick me up at the nearest station but sometimes he would show up a bit late. (Never too late and this happen too often) I used to tell him how being on-time matters to me but I understood that something like this could happen. I just asked him to let me know if he was going to run late and keep me waiting out on the street but sometimes he forgot that and I would get really upset. He even invited me once or twice to his place but he wasn't at home and I had to wait for him to come back home. I didn't have to wait long but I felt really disrespected. He would sometimes talk on the phone when we were hanging out at his place, something I would never do. I'd usually ask the person to call me later when I'm alone unless it's an emergency. I felt so insecure I was always crying and sometimes I could tell that I'm crying over something really small. But that small thing had a symbolic meaning to me: he didn't care enough (although he kept saying that he did).

    This created a vicious cycle, with me asking him kind of obsessive questions and asking him for reassurance and him getting annoyed with the fact that I didn't believe his love so he would lose energy and put in less effort and I would get more anxious and need more reassurance.

    We kept getting into fights with some of them resulting in me storming off something which I'm not proud of. I may have overreacted to some stuff and acted crazy which is not really like me. I am a pretty calm person and get along well with everyone. I am generally not needy or clingy maybe sensitive but definitely not needy and clingy, actually I've been told that I'm pretty independent but I didn't feel like that towards the end of the relationship. At 2 or 3 points I was so fed up with the fact that he acted like he was taking me for granted that I said I just wanted to return his stuff and maybe it was best if we broke up. Of course, I didn't really mean it and it was out of fear that he didn't want me anymore. I later apologized for all these behaviors and told him that I didn't really wanna break up with him but I didn't feel loved in the relationship and I felt like he didn't want this anymore.

    He promised that he would do a few things that I had asked to make things better, like going to therapy but he broke a lot of those promises. I also promised I would make some changes to make the relationship better. Two weeks before the break up, the condom broke during sex and we both freaked out. I live in a pretty conservative country and the possibility of pregnancy scared me. At the time when I needed him the most, he said that was feeling very depressed and that he needed a break. I asked him specifically if he wanted things to go back to normal after these two weeks and that he should tell me if he wanted to break up for good. He said he just needed this two week break.

    After the two weeks were over, we saw each other once or twice. I had found out that I wasn't pregnant but I was still pretty anxious about the state of our relationship. He said that couldn't take it anymore. He said he couldn't deal with my insecurities and my constant need for reassurance. He said he still loved me but not as much as before and that we needed to break up. He also admitted to the fact that he had lied to me a few times before (they were not huge lies but it made me think that maybe that gut feeling of mine wasn't all wrong). Of course, I didn't take it pretty well, I cried and protested. I wrote him a letter (which sounds very embarrassing now) and told about my mistakes and what I was gonna do about them but in the end it didn't make a difference.

    After the break up he kept contacting me a few times telling me that he couldn't get over me and that he wanted us to be friends with benefits. I refused and he got angry. We would contact each other every once in a while and he would act hot and cold. Sometimes he would blame me for everything even after I apologized for my part. Sometimes he would act totally crazy and apologizing for not making me feel loved enough, for not opening up and lying to me. After about 4 months he asked me to get back together and we did. He told me he had slept with 6 different girls during this time which again was information I hadn't asked for. This just added to my pile of insecurities and I told him that we needed to go to a therapist to make this work. He said he would at first but then he refused and said talking was too difficult for him. I told him he needed to address my insecurities himself and answer my questions but he said he couldn't deal with it and he said he couldn't do it all over again and left again after about a week.

    I'm sorry for going on for so long. I know he didn't try hard enough for us but sometimes I feel really guilty and wonder if my insecurities ruined our relationship. I can't tell the difference anymore. I was really invested in this relationship and still love him although I know he's not exactly the best match for me. I can't tell if I was an insecure person or if his behavior like the fact that he told me about the girls he'd slept with or the fact that he rated me (again, I didn't ask for this) or kept me waiting without letting me know made me insecure. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You have poor self esteem, so you will attract bullies and manipulators. He likes to be a sadist. That's why he mentioned how you're not as hot as his other prey. He knew you wouldn't walk away because he knows that you subconsciously think you don't deserve a decent man, which he is not. Like attracts like in that brokenness seeks and accepts one another.

    If you hadn't been insecure, this relationship would have ended at week two when he mentioned you on a rating scale, or he would've never asked you out since a woman with a healthy self esteem wouldn't give him the time of day.

    The only reason you should be looking at your insecurities is so that you can do whatever it takes to boost your self esteem so that in the future, you will heed red flags and only choose men who treat you as the treasure you are. Books, therapy, articles--immerse yourself and don't date until you're in a healthier mindset. A new hobby you can be passionate about, and more time with girlfriends right now, might help you transition into being single again. Take care.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    when we finally managed to do it, he lost control and when I asked him to stop he didn't. I thought he hadn't heard my voice so I tried to move away from him but he kept me still and went on. It made me feel like he may not be able to control his impulses in the heat of the moment.
    This is rape.

    You should have run fast and far after that. There is something seriously wrong with this man.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do not try to be friends. You need to cut him out of your life. Change all your passwords, reset All your social media to private, delete and block him and All his people from All your social media messaging apps and contact lists. This will help you heal and move forward. Talk to trust friends and family. Read up on abusive relationships. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to sociopathy.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Do not try to be friends. You need to cut him out of your life. Change all your passwords, reset All your social media to private, delete and block him and All his people from All your social media messaging apps and contact lists. This will help you heal and move forward. Talk to trust friends and family. Read up on abusive relationships. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to sociopathy.
    Pretty much what I was thinking as well reading your post. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

    OP, you seem to be able to identify the huge red flags that were presented to you. Unfortunately, instead of listening to your better sense and judgment, you promptly shoveled everything aside and kept going. "I got over my anxiety" - you know what? Anxiety is your defense mechanism. It's your body telling you to run because there is a lion stalking you behind that bush and you shouldn't rationalize that away and convince yourself to go near that bush - you will get eaten. Pretty much what happened to you here.

    Please don't ever speak to this psycho again. You quite literally crossed paths with a pathological individual and the lesson here is to learn to listen better to your instincts and when you see huge red flagts - RUN, never try to convince yourself into staying again.

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    Yeah, we are almost not in contact anymore and even though I'm not over him yet, I know that he is not good for me and that I can never trust him again. So even if he comes back later, I know I shouldn't even consider it. What's bothering me right now, is that I'm kind of ashamed of nagging and crying all the time. It seems like every little thing upset me and he used to apologize but later on he got tired of all my insecurities. Since everything was okay for a year or so and he was quite affectionate and considerate, I keep thinking that I was the one who ruined the relationship and abandonment issues that I had no idea I had.
    Of course I have focused on the negative aspects of the relationship and what made me feel bad, not the positive ones and all the good things he had done for me. Plus, he had the ability to care about his family and friends and he used to help them. He has a close relationship with his sister and he has few old friends. He said he felt bad about cheating on his ex and that he would never do it again. How could he be a sociopath?
    Last edited by JoHarvelle; 07-16-2020 at 12:47 PM.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If you hadn't been insecure, this relationship would have ended at week two when he mentioned you on a rating scale, or he would've never asked you out since a woman with a healthy self esteem wouldn't give him the time of day.
    .
    He did that toward the end of the relationship. There were no signs of this kind of behavior in the beginning.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't date broken people and hope to 'protect', fix or change them. It will make your life hell.You need to run from creeps like this. Abusers are always nice at first. Why haven't you read up on abusive relationships?

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    Yeah, never again. I just had no idea he was "broken" for a very long time and by the time I knew I was too attached, but I'll be more cautious from now on. I just have to get over blaming myself for my mistakes first.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    Yeah, never again. I just had no idea he was "broken" for a very long time and by the time I knew I was too attached, but I'll be more cautious from now on. I just have to get over blaming myself for my mistakes first.
    How early into the relationship did he tell you that his previous sexual partners were better-looking than you? And that he had sex with you against you will?

    Because hon, those were your first huge indicators that this guy was not a good person. I am sad for you reading this, because you blame yourself for the behaviour of a sick individual and don't seem to have really recognized the very serious red flags early on. You will be okay again, but I would gently suggest some therapy. I fear you will get involved with another bad guy in the future otherwise.

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