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Thread: Was I too sensitive or insecure??

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Do not try to be friends. You need to cut him out of your life. Change all your passwords, reset All your social media to private, delete and block him and All his people from All your social media messaging apps and contact lists. This will help you heal and move forward. Talk to trust friends and family. Read up on abusive relationships. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to sociopathy.
    Totally agree.

    This guy sounds like a sociopath. He is dangerous. Stop blaming yourself and excusing any of his behavior, he treated you horribly. Have you blocked him?

    Glad to hear that you are in therapy. Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-17-2020 at 03:06 AM.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Totally agree.

    This guy sounds like a sociopath. He is dangerous. Stop blaming yourself and excusing any of his behavior, he treated you horribly. Have you blocked him?

    Glad to hear that you are in therapy.
    I think the term sociopath may be a bit too much for him, he can be a caring guy but apparently we bring out the worst in each other so I know I should stay away from him.
    No, but he has deleted my number and doesn't have any kind of social media.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    OK. "Abuser". You can Google and research that for insight and help.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    OK. "Abuser". You can Google and research that for insight and help.
    I have been since you told me to do so. Thanks!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    You're not too sensitive or insecure. You're exactly as sensitive as you need to be, you just dismiss your own feelings and allow yourself to be a doormat. So, of course you're insecure. Nobody can feel secure like that.

    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    What's bothering me right now, is that I'm kind of ashamed of nagging and crying all the time. It seems like every little thing upset me and he used to apologize but later on he got tired of all my insecurities. Since everything was okay for a year or so and he was quite affectionate and considerate, I keep thinking that I was the one who ruined the relationship and abandonment issues that I had no idea I had.
    You're ashamed because you have poor self esteem. You are supposed to stand up for what you want. If other people disregard your wants and needs, it should be painful to you--and that should make you leave. Instead, you trivialize issues that should have been deal breakers!! This is all terrible, terrible stuff:

    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    when we finally managed to do it, he lost control and when I asked him to stop he didn't. I thought he hadn't heard my voice so I tried to move away from him but he kept me still and went on.
    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    There were also some trivial issues that I made a huge deal about. I live about 1 hour away from him and I used to go to his place by the subway. He would pick me up at the nearest station but sometimes he would show up a bit late. (Never too late and this happen too often) I used to tell him how being on-time matters to me but I understood that something like this could happen. I just asked him to let me know if he was going to run late and keep me waiting out on the street but sometimes he forgot that and I would get really upset. He even invited me once or twice to his place but he wasn't at home and I had to wait for him to come back home. I didn't have to wait long but I felt really disrespected. He would sometimes talk on the phone when we were hanging out at his place, something I would never do. I'd usually ask the person to call me later when I'm alone unless it's an emergency. I felt so insecure I was always crying and sometimes I could tell that I'm crying over something really small. But that small thing had a symbolic meaning to me: he didn't care enough (although he kept saying that he did).
    Of course you were crying. Deep down inside, you knew he didn't really care for you, and yet you stifled that knowledge and forced yourself to stay. I'd be crying, too, if I was in that situation. Why do you do that to yourself?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Of course you were crying. Deep down inside, you knew he didn't really care for you, and yet you stifled that knowledge and forced yourself to stay. I'd be crying, too, if I was in that situation. Why do you do that to yourself?
    I agree with you. Since it was my first relationship, I didn't really know myself and what I expected in a relationship. The first year or so, everything was okay. I didn't go out of my way to do anything. He even told me he wonders why I tell him I love him first and he's the one who always has to initiate. He was really nice sometimes and he would always tell me that he loved me so it made me feel confused and I felt like I'm making a big deal out of things. Plus, he had a very difficult past and had many problems so I felt like I had so take care of him. Over time the dynamics changed and I felt so neglected that I felt like I'm being clingy and I never see him enough. I even tried to leave once but he started crying and said that he would make things right and I still loved him and didn't have the heart to go through with it. Now I know myself better and my therapist tells me I have the "self-sacrifice" schema so next time I wanna go out of my way and put others' needs above my own, I'll try to remember that it's probably not a very good idea.

  8. #27
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    I think that you need to stop saying, "this was my first relationship" as an excuse. He made you feel on edge and badly for a long time. Also, I am sure you have witnessed healthy relationships in your friend group , family, in the general public and on TV. You need to also take some responsibility for staying with this guy, or you will end up with another man like him. You are still blaming yourself for his behavior I would be concerned that you would take him back if he reached out.

    What do your friends and family say about him? Abusers also have a charming side, or else no one would stick around for the abuse. This is textbook. I'm sorry, but he did not respect or love you, at all.

    I also suggest that you block.

  9. #28
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    Are you addressing co dependency through therapy?

    Never look for projects, or believe that you can help or change people. The change has to come from them.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think that you need to stop saying, "this was my first relationship" as an excuse. He made you feel on edge and badly for a long time. Also, I am sure you have witnessed healthy relationships in your friend group , family, in the general public and on TV. You need to also take some responsibility for staying with this guy, or you will end up with another man like him. You are still blaming yourself for his behavior I would be concerned that you would take him back if he reached out.

    What do your friends and family say about him? Abusers also have a charming side, or else no one would stick around for the abuse. This is textbook. I'm sorry, but he did not respect or love you, at all.

    I also suggest that you block.
    I do accept responsibility. It was wrong of me to stay with him. Now, I know that it was because of my self-sacrifice schema that I was so protective of him and felt like I had to stick by his side no matter what. I'm aware of it now and I'm working on myself but I know change is not gonna happen overnight.
    I'm not gonna take him back and he's not gonna reach out. He invited me over once when he was drunk after all this and asked me to come over. I didn't go and he deleted my number.
    My friends and family all hate him now. They say I used to be so confident and I need to go back to the way I was.
    You are right, even if he did love me, it was in his own selfish and unhealthy way so it doesn't really matter.
    Thanks for your help.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. I can only echo what Cherlyn wrote:

    Avoid sociopaths, manipulators, charmers, deceitful types, gaslighters, those who lack empathy and emotional intellgence. Google those words.

    Only be with people who treat you with utmost respect, consideration and maturity because that's the definition of sincere love.

    It's better to be alone than lonely with a person who doesn't treat you as if you matter. This applies to everyone in your life.


    This individual never cared for you. Any sporadic "niceness" was a front, an act.

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