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Thread: Was I too sensitive or insecure??

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    Yeah, we are almost not in contact anymore and even though I'm not over him yet, I know that he is not good for me and that I can never trust him again. So even if he comes back later, I know I shouldn't even consider it. What's bothering me right now, is that I'm kind of ashamed of nagging and crying all the time. It seems like every little thing upset me and he used to apologize but later on he got tired of all my insecurities. Since everything was okay for a year or so and he was quite affectionate and considerate, I keep thinking that I was the one who ruined the relationship and abandonment issues that I had no idea I had.
    Of course I have focused on the negative aspects of the relationship and what made me feel bad, not the positive ones and all the good things he had done for me. Plus, he had the ability to care about his family and friends and he used to help them. He has a close relationship with his sister and he has few old friends. He said he felt bad about cheating on his ex and that he would never do it again. How could he be a sociopath?
    There were also some trivial issues that I made a huge deal about. I live about 1 hour away from him and I used to go to his place by the subway. He would pick me up at the nearest station but sometimes he would show up a bit late. (Never too late and this happen too often) I used to tell him how being on-time matters to me but I understood that something like this could happen. I just asked him to let me know if he was going to run late and keep me waiting out on the street but sometimes he forgot that and I would get really upset. He even invited me once or twice to his place but he wasn't at home and I had to wait for him to come back home. I didn't have to wait long but I felt really disrespected. He would sometimes talk on the phone when we were hanging out at his place, something I would never do. I'd usually ask the person to call me later when I'm alone unless it's an emergency. I felt so insecure I was always crying and sometimes I could tell that I'm crying over something really small. But that small thing had a symbolic meaning to me: he didn't care enough (although he kept saying that he did).

    ^This, what you think of as trivial, when done often is an example of pathological behavior. What you are not grasping is that he knows what he is doing and he is doing it intentionally to upset you and knows it will have that effect. It's subtle, but also sadistic and just subtle enough that you don't connect the dots rationally. Intuitively, you know this is all wrong and feels off, but at the same time, you don't know enough about pathological behavior to realize that this is what it is. He is intentionally acting the way he is for the purpose of upsetting you and he likes the result - watching you cry. The issue again is that you know that he is in the wrong, that this is indeed disrespectful behavior on his part, you even confront him with it, but of course he denies it.....yet you didn't leave him and kept going. Please examine long and hard why you didn't walk away sooner.

    Pathological people will subtly create fights, cause you to question your sanity, cause you to react in negative ways (as you should be I might add), BUT they will also point out that see, you are the one yelling, you are the one who is acting out, you are the one crying. It's a huge mindfck also known as gaslighting. Distorting your sense of reality and making you out to be one who is abnormal.

    Look up an old movie Gaslight where the husband slowly tries to convince his wife that she is insane by small acts like things going missing, dimming lights in the house while trying to convince her that it's all in her head. That's actually a very good depiction of pathological behavior and what it looks like in reality contrary to what most people think of - someone recognizably bad. It's a whole host of often subtle but persistent actions designed to make you question your sanity and sense of reality or what's right and wrong. You feel constantly in a state of flux, upset, confusion but not sure why.

    Same goes for abuse - every single abuse victim denies that they are in an abusive relationship because their SO will do good things, it's not always bad so it can't be abuse. That's why it's important to understand that abuse is a cycle, it's by definition not constantly bad and will be good quite often...until next abusive episode. The point is that there should NEVER be abusive behaviors in a normal relationship period. None whatsoever.

    A high fucntioning sociopath can be highly successful, charismatic, is often the pillar of the community, life of the party, friends, charities, etc. It's not the outward life of success and seeming normalcy that you should be focusing on, it's what happens behind closed doors in private. If you find yourself feeling disrespected, you probably are. If you find yourself constantly upset even if you can't quite determine why, that's your clue to run for the hills. You will never be crying your eyes out or otherwise feel low and in constant conflict in a healthy relationship with a sane person. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    How early into the relationship did he tell you that his previous sexual partners were better-looking than you? And that he had sex with you against you will?

    Because hon, those were your first huge indicators that this guy was not a good person. I am sad for you reading this, because you blame yourself for the behaviour of a sick individual and don't seem to have really recognized the very serious red flags early on. You will be okay again, but I would gently suggest some therapy. I fear you will get involved with another bad guy in the future otherwise.
    A year into our relationship.
    I am in therapy. Thanks for your kind words.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Absolutely, DF.

    "You will never be crying your eyes out or otherwise feel low and in constant conflict in a healthy relationship with a sane person."

    It's all "seemingly" OP. Helping family, friends, being outwardly "nice" all create the image. Known as "The Mask of Sanity"

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    [I]

    ^This, what you think of as trivial, when done often is an example of pathological behavior. What you are not grasping is that he knows what he is doing and he is doing it intentionally to upset you and knows it will have that effect. It's subtle, but also sadistic and just subtle enough that you don't connect the dots rationally. Intuitively, you know this is all wrong and feels off, but at the same time, you don't know enough about pathological behavior to realize that this is what it is. He is intentionally acting the way he is for the purpose of upsetting you and he likes the result - watching you cry. The issue again is that you know that he is in the wrong, that this is indeed disrespectful behavior on his part, you even confront him with it, but of course he denies it.....yet you didn't leave him and kept going. Please examine long and hard why you didn't walk away sooner.

    Pathological people will subtly create fights, cause you to question your sanity, cause you to react in negative ways (as you should be I might add), BUT they will also point out that see, you are the one yelling, you are the one who is acting out, you are the one crying. It's a huge mindfck also known as gaslighting. Distorting your sense of reality and making you out to be one who is abnormal.


    Same goes for abuse - every single abuse victim denies that they are in an abusive relationship because their SO will do good things, it's not always bad so it can't be abuse. That's why it's important to understand that abuse is a cycle, it's by definition not constantly bad and will be good quite often...until next abusive episode. The point is that there should NEVER be abusive behaviors in a normal relationship period. None whatsoever.

    A high fucntioning sociopath can be highly successful, charismatic, is often the pillar of the community, life of the party, friends, charities, etc. It's not the outward life of success and seeming normalcy that you should be focusing on, it's what happens behind closed doors in private. If you find yourself feeling disrespected, you probably are. If you find yourself constantly upset even if you can't quite determine why, that's your clue to run for the hills. You will never be crying your eyes out or otherwise feel low and in constant conflict in a healthy relationship with a sane person.
    I'm sorry. I just realized that I had made a mistake in my original post. This didn't happen very often and he didn't keep me waiting for long, only about 10 minutes or so but I felt like it shouldn't happen at all. I mean people can be late but they can let you know, and the few times that they happened were kind of inexcusable for me. Or he didn't talk on the phone for long or too often, but since it was not an emergency it would still upset me. So what you're telling me is that, I was not being too sensitive about this?

    And thank you sooooo much for your thorough explanation. It really did address a lot of my issues.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JoHarvelle
    I'm sorry. I just realized that I had made a mistake in my original post. This didn't happen very often and he didn't keep me waiting for long, only about 10 minutes or so but I felt like it shouldn't happen at all. I mean people can be late but they can let you know, and the few times that they happened were kind of inexcusable for me. Or he didn't talk on the phone for long or too often, but since it was not an emergency it would still upset me. So what you're telling me is that, I was not being too sensitive about this?

    And thank you sooooo much for your thorough explanation. It really did address a lot of my issues.
    Let me put it another way - if you are normally a calm person who gets along well with others and you find yourself in a relationship where you are not being yourself - stressed, anxious, fearful, angry, upset, etc, etc, etc. That's your clue that you are in a bad relationship with a wrong person and need to leave asap.

    We can debate the details and examples to death and hyper analyze each instance, buuut at some point you have to step back and look at the overall picture - being with this guy and the way he treated you left you feeling like a total mess even though that's not who you normally are as a person, emphasis added on the latter. Sometimes when you are getting upset over 10 minutes, the problem isn't the 10 minutes, it's everything else that's going wrong. So focusing on just that one thing is not going to help you. It's a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back. A single straw or even 100 of them is not heavy enough by itself, but when combined with many other weights, it's the one thing that causes a total breakdown. The trigger. So when you look at behavior you have to sort of pan out - don't focus on the straw but rather on all the factors at large.

    With the right person in the right relationship, you will feel more calm, more happy, more easy going, more feel good, not less. The right person, the right relationship tends to bring out our best qualities while wrong people, wrong relationships do the opposite.

  7. #16
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    You are absolutely right DF! I'll try to remember that and work on myself and I'll be on the alert next time around.
    Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Avoid sociopaths, manipulators, charmers, deceitful types, gaslighters, those who lack empathy and emotional intellgence. Google those words.

    Only be with people who treat you with utmost respect, consideration and maturity because that's the definition of sincere love.

    It's better to be alone than lonely with a person who doesn't treat you as if you matter. This applies to everyone in your life.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Avoid sociopaths, manipulators, charmers, deceitful types, gaslighters, those who lack empathy and emotional intellgence. Google those words.

    Only be with people who treat you with utmost respect, consideration and maturity because that's the definition of sincere love.

    It's better to be alone than lonely with a person who doesn't treat you as if you matter. This applies to everyone in your life.
    You are right. Since this was my first relationship I had nothing else to compare with. Plus, I was made feel like I was high maintenance so I kept convincing myself that I'm the one being unreasonable and sensitive. I still have some doubts but I'm trying to read a lot, go to therapy and recover.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You need time. Therapy is good if you need some help rehabilitating yourself back into your normal thought cycles and have found yourself on edge and defensive, paranoid and living fearfully for awhile. This person appears to be a dangerous mix of issues and isn't good for a relationship right now.

    What he is past that really stops being your problem or your business since the relationship is over. That is the trade. It's finished and now you stop over-reaching and trying to decode what he is or else you run the risk of overemphasizing and becoming paranoid and perpetuating all those issues that you absorbed from him in the relationship. Your key is stopping that cycle of paranoia, distrust, anger, resentment and living fearfully.

    Your life will go on and you'll find yourself in new relationships. Don't bring this to new chapters in your life. Stop the cycles and start changing your thinking process. You'll need time to rehab back to positive thoughts and learning to be a bit more trustful again.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    You have poor self esteem, so you will attract bullies and manipulators. He likes to be a sadist. That's why he mentioned how you're not as hot as his other prey. He knew you wouldn't walk away because he knows that you subconsciously think you don't deserve a decent man, which he is not. Like attracts like in that brokenness seeks and accepts one another.

    If you hadn't been insecure, this relationship would have ended at week two when he mentioned you on a rating scale, or he would've never asked you out since a woman with a healthy self esteem wouldn't give him the time of day.

    The only reason you should be looking at your insecurities is so that you can do whatever it takes to boost your self esteem so that in the future, you will heed red flags and only choose men who treat you as the treasure you are. Books, therapy, articles--immerse yourself and don't date until you're in a healthier mindset. A new hobby you can be passionate about, and more time with girlfriends right now, might help you transition into being single again. Take care.
    Great advice.

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