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Thread: Not really looking for answers just feeling pretty down atm

  1. #1
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    Not really looking for answers just feeling pretty down atm

    I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. He was the one to finally end it for good but I probably should've left several months ago. I hung on to a false sense of hope. The relationship was full of ups and downs. I know I deserve to be treated so much better. My head knows that it's for the better because one sided love is just not worth it and very painful. My heart has not caught up.

    I've probably made every mistake in the book. I was very angry and upset in the beginning because I was still holding on and just so mad because he was very uncaring and rude and did not care to listen to anything I had to say. It's tough to let go when you feel like you aren't truly heard. Even the end was still the same it would've been nice to know that the person did at least love you and cares and understand how you feel even if it was best to go seperate ways. I understand that I probably will never get that "closure" or ever hear any apologies. I've of course done dumb stuff and reached out to my ex a few times since the break up and each time it was like rubbing salt in wounds because he basically would just tell me to get over it, stop dwelling on things, say I was too emotional and he's tired of it, etc. I know my reaching out was stupid because I know that's never a good idea especially when you know from history that the person has often closed off any kind of emotion or intimacy from you in the past. I did an even dumber thing over the weekend and he asked me to come over for sex pretty much. I did. Of course, afterwards I had to deal with the emotional havock of all of that. I ended up with a migraine from hormonal stuff on top of being depressed and took a mental health day on Monday.

    Tuesday I forced myself back to work. I have been crying off and on the past few days. I've hit that depression phase. I am tired of having obsessive thoughts and cycling over and over again.

    I have been keeping my schedule as busy as possible (except this past weekend I was without my daughter and I didn't plan for the gaps of free time and too much thinking was bad apparently)... My schedule is pretty busy between work, my daughters karate, a photoshoot I had, practicing guitar, and playing every Wednesday at open mic... I do try and set up times with friends (even ones that I don't always feel like seeing but they are always there for me and it helps occupy my time). I have things to work on. I'm doing everything I can to push through and bounce back after crying and to keep doing activities that I plan even if I get depressed just before and feel like giving up. I also have a counselor that I'm seeing once every 2 weeks. I was seeing her before the start of this relationship anyway for anxiety and stuff in general. Unfortunately I always battle anxiety/depression and sometimes obsession. I am always trying to work on balancing my life (even if I'm not the best at it).

    I guess I understand that this is gonna take time for my heart to heal and catch up. I try not to beat myself up about not letting go (but I do). I know I have to fully let go but I just don't know when or how that's going to happen. It'll have to come from within me at some point. I don't know if I even really have any questions because I feel like know the answers but I just wish that there was something to make it easier.

    Sorry. I just needed to vent and get all this out somewhere. Of course if you have any kind words or suggestions please feel free to share. You can be honest or blunt too but maybe not to harsh because I've already probably hurt enough from my ex and enough from my own head. lol.

    I'm also, for sure, for sure done reaching out to my ex because I know that's not going to help me heal like I need to. So no worries on that. No matter how bad I feel I will continue to just find friends to talk to or write it down in my journal or something.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My kids were a huge source of comfort when I went through an awful breakup years ago. I didn't want to be sad around them. It was hard but just being around them was so nice. They love me always and that's so precious and important.

    That's what I recommend. Throw yourself into things to do with your child.

  3. #3
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    Thank you! That's definitely one thing I'm doing. I'm always trying to find ways to continue to be involved with my daughter. She is with me most of the time. I actually bring her to work with me everyday with the pandemic going on. Then take her to karate twice a week now. She comes with me when I play my open mic on Wednesdays. We get ice cream together or go for walks. Every other weekend she has to be at her dad's. I used to look forward to a "break" but now I wish I could keep her every weekend but she needs time with her dad of course.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Acolyte2020
    It's tough to let go when you feel like you aren't truly heard. Even the end was still the same it would've been nice to know that the person did at least love you and cares and understand how you feel even if it was best to go seperate ways.
    Sorry about all this.

    I highlighted the above because I think it's a thought we all have in these moments, and a thought we try to will into reality through some less than graceful actions. Like texting. Like hanky panky. Happens. Thing is? If you could have all that, then you'd be unlikely to be here, processing a breakup. Rather, you'd be in an awesome relationship in which you felt heard, could handle conflict with grace. Guess what I'm saying is that that is the closure, or at least a way I've found closure here and there, by basically reminding myself if our breakup could have gone like x, y, and z, rather than like a, b, and c, then...we wouldn't have broken up. Reality, though, is x, y, and z. Jagged pills to swallow, always. Hugs on that.

    I skimmed back over your past posts. Seems this moved fast—and, for a moment, probably seemed like "all the things." Not just dating, but partnership. Not just partnership, but a new family dynamic. There are lessons there, sure, which I trust you're processing. But along with those lessons? Well, there is just plain hurt that needs to be felt. So go easy on yourself, in feeling it, expressing it here, whatever helps that process.

    I do agree with bolt. You've got a little girl, age nine? What a time in life! Can you lean into all that wonder and complexity a bit, and find some refuge there? That's a win-win for everyone: her world gets bigger and brighter, and so does yours. Result? This present darkness gets a little less potent every day.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Give yourself more time. You may not have had enough time to process everything and this past weekend sounds very difficult. Good for you for wanting to distance yourself. I'm glad that you took a day off on Monday.


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