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Thread: Fiance of 8 years, two small kids, stepson, neverending issues/resentment

  1. #1

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    Fiance of 8 years, two small kids, stepson, neverending issues/resentment

    Sorry for how wordy this is..

    My fiancé (38 years old) and I (30 years old) have been together for 8 years. Our relationship has always been rocky, me having trust issues and we used to party a lot, lots of drinking etc. We would fight just about every weekend. He has a son from a prior relationship, which I found out he was still seeing the mom when we first met (he claims he wouldn’t have been able to see his son if he didn’t string her along. Also, he denied it at first but admitted to it years later).

    We have two daughters together, 4 and 2. His son is 14, and we get him every weeks or more in the summer/holidays.

    I have had a full time, stable job for our entire relationship, only having been on maternity leave (paid) for both our daughters. I take pride in my work and I love coming to work, often joking that it’s a “break” from the stress of toddlers (we don’t get breaks from them really.. maybe once every 3 or 4 months). Fiancé on the other hand has had 4 different jobs since I’ve met him, each one lasting between 2 months and a year, and then long periods of unemployment between. He has also had 3 WCB claims in that time.. all supposedly not his fault, but suspicious to me. I think you can see where I’m going with this. He seems to not have a lot of ambition or drive to work in a long term, stable job.

    To be fair, he always has paid half or almost half towards everything. He owns his house and always pays the mortgage and bills, I transfer 650.00 to him per month which is supposed to be my share. I also pay for the girls daycare (the girls are in daycare 2 days/week), any activities/dance/clothes etc. for the girls, our cable and internet, and all the groceries and eating out (atleast 500.00/month). He lately likes to claim that even though he’s on unemployment, he’s paying “more towards the house” than I am. Daycare alone is 1100/month. The mortgage is 975.00.. bills can’t be more than 400.00 or so, the groceries and meals that I alone pay for are atleast 500.00 plus I also transfer him 650.00. We never have leftover money to do fun stuff. We don’t save for the girls education (I did for a couple years but then he was unemployed again so had to stop).I am SO SICK of not having extra money. He is too because every now and then he’ll complain about how he hasn’t bought himself new clothes in years.. well duh because you don’t work.

    The house is falling apart and has been ever since I met him. It needs some major renos to the inside, kitchen, and exterior. Every time I suggest paying someone to come in and fix it, he gets angry and says he can do it all. Well.. he’s been “starting to fix the house” for years. It’s not getting done. There’s every excuse for why not, he can’t afford it, doesn’t have time with the girls (even though they’re in daycare 2 days/week).. what about when he wasn’t working before they were born? We have been in heated arguments about this a lot.. he always says “well what have you done?” And then proceeds to act like I do nothing around the house no cleaning or anything. I’ll admit I’m not constantly cleaning, but I do vacuum, do dishes, clean the bathroom, tidy up, etc. He cooks every night which I definitely appreciate. But he acts like he does everything and I do nothing. He also says I "do nothing" with the girls. Which is also a lie, I come home from work and pretty much take over for the rest of the night, and almost all weekend I'm the one doing most things with them.

    I guess I just need to know.. is our relationship hopeless? He has so much resentment and so do I. He blames me for not having friends, hobbies, or a life. I blame him for not having a nice home and family life. He doesn’t appreciate the little things I do, like letting him sleep in EVERY SINGLE DAY of EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I never get to sleep in. Even though he sleeps in though, he still wakes up grumbling and angry almost every day. It’s always something.. his back hurts, his stomach hurts, he can’t eat, couldn’t fall asleep til 3 in the morning, etc. He never just wakes up happy and it drags me down.

    I tried to leave with the girls to go live with my parents a few months ago, because I’d had enough of our fighting and yelling in front of our kids. He sent me cryptic messages like “tell the girls I loved them” “make sure the girls know how much I cared about them” etc. so I thought he was being suicidal. I called him frantically for over an hour and even called his mom to check up on him. When he finally answered and I said I was worried, he said “you think I’m gonna kill myself, you’re such a self centred bxt!” He has done this sort of thing in the past too.. always the victim. The world is forever against him in his mind.

    He gets mad when my parents come over to visit too much, says why don’t me and the girls just go over there (even though we already do go there for sleepovers twice a month), he also seems to hate my parents. He acts annoyed of them and both he and his son always think they're the smartest person in any room and talk down to my parents atleast once every time we see them.

    You can probably tell by this whole post that I have a lot of anger towards him. Sometimes we do get along but it’s not nearly as much as we seem to have this contempt for each other.. I need help. I need someone to help me figure out what to do. Any words of advice? Is there anything I can say or do to get through to him or would we be better off to separate?

    A couple other things I thought I should add but don't know how to fit in:
    Double standards: He can say how hot his nurse was when he got his vasectomy and how that made it awkward, if I ever dared say my dentist is hot he would be upset. In the past, he has made remarks like this here and there, and if I’ve ever tried to do it he gets upset real quick.

    Also has in the past had female friends he can text and message on fb, but has said it’s different with any guys who have tried to message me on fb because they “only want one thing”. Now laments about not having female friends because he’s “not allowed” even though I’ve never forbidden him from having female friends. I have gotten mad about him deleting texts from friends and liking a picture of a friend in her lingerie. Just recently deleted a message form a girl and when I asked what it said he said “howdy” and I asked why he delted it when he keeps all his other facebook messages from years ago and he just shrugged it off and said “it wasn’t important”.

    I have never said he is not allowed to have female friends. I wonder if I’m allowed to have male friends though, if he wants to seek out female friends? Would he extend the same courtesy?

    He has no problem making me look like an idiot in front of people. We were at a Halloween party and he told a girl we’re both friends with, but don’t know super well, that “he’ll get in trouble from me if he talks to her”. I could hear it and said that is absolutely not true and he made it seem like I’m a controlling b---h. At that same party, he told his friend that his cousin (who is my good friend) is so hot that all his friends probably wanted to sleep with her and that he (her own cousin) probably also did! While I’m standing right there looking around awkwardly.. He also joked about my family being inbred because their from the east coast while I stood there and everyone laughed. Tells me I can’t drive a standard even though all 3 of my vehicles I had before getting an SUV were standard and I drove them just fine.. like he wants me to feel stupid.

    I feel like I could type for hours about everything but sometimes wonder if I'm overreacting.. am I overreacting? Am I just too sensitive?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What do your parents think? You need to pull way back and stop overcompensating for him. Pay less, be out of the home much more focus on your kids and let him fend for himself more. There is no point feeling like a victim when you do too much, then resent it.

    Scale way back. Less money, less housework, less child care etc. Your overcompensating allows and enables his inertia. Never pay toward home improvements on a house where your name is not on the deed. Pay your share like rent, but not more. He sounds mentally/verbally abusive and that is something you should research and talk to trusted friends and family about.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're in a very abusive situation and your partner is manipulative and abusive. Try going back to the reasons for staying. I would sort things out clearly about your reasons for staying and then enlist the help of your parents in a transition move if you decide to leave this situation. You're not doing anyone any favours taking that kind of language from someone and letting this anger build up. The relationship is dysfunctional and the contempt, a word you used above, is unhealthy for the kids to be around.

    The inability to keep a job or have regular income (in some way) is a dealbreaker for me. A person doesn't have to work all the time to pay the bills or remain respectful and kind to their partner but if money is a known issue, there should be greater efforts to find employment or plan together what little you do have. I think the word that comes to mind is deadbeat. I'm sorry to say that. The stereotypes are endless and not my intention to perpetuate but the idea of a verbally abusive, controlling and non-contributory (in terms of money or appropriate care) individual makes this an overall negative situation.

    Are you sure the story he's telling you about his ex and not seeing his son in the beginning was true? She might have prevented him from seeing the child or being alone with his son when the son was younger because he does have a known history of abuse or is unreliable, not to be trusted alone with a child. The son seems to have adopted the bullish, negative and abusive nature of his father if at 14 he has already learned how to talk down to others. You should tread very carefully.

    If you are invested in the relationship, both of you have to be on the same page with the income and his work situation. You'll have to make peace with the idea that this is who he is and the job hopping or lack of employment or a second income may be a reality for awhile especially with job losses this year or unemployment rates. There's also a red flag there if he's not been able to hold down a position for awhile pre-covid. His employers may have noticed his behavioural issues and abusive language in the workplace. He may or may not have told you the full story for these things.

  4. #4

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    My dad has said that he thinks he's depressed and sympathizes because he also has a bad back and suffers from depression (only my dad has had jobs his whole life and takes medication for his depression and is known as a very kind man). My fiancé had his first work injury in 2010, that he takes painkillers for daily. I actually found a doctor's note clearing him for full work duties 2 weeks after the incident while I was going through paperwork one day and when confronting him on it he said they changed that (never seen any paperwork to that effect though..)

    My parents have always said I'm welcome to go live with them if needed. They don't like seeing me sad and conflicted but they are always kind to him and treat him very well, watching the girls whenever he needs it during the days they're not in daycare.

    He is so charming and charismatic that sometimes I think my friends and family think I'm exaggerating..

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Has he become physically dependent on opioids? If so you need to pack up your kids and leave. It does not matter if something like this is prescribed or not. Opioids are depressants and change personalities and priorities and deepen already existing problems.

    He needs detox and rehab from them, but that is not your problem. Your problem is denial and getting yourself and your kids out of this nightmare. Your first responsibility is to them not a pain pill addict.
    Originally Posted by spinsugar
    My fiancé had his first work injury in 2010, that he takes painkillers for daily

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    Much as it's my nature to search for silver linings and clearings through weeds, I'm really not seeing that here. At least not a path that involves you two staying together and willing a functional, supportive dynamic from one that, going from what you've offered here, has been built largely on validating dysfunction for years and years.

    I can imagine you, at 22, finding a certain kind of 30 year old dude compelling: charm, charisma, along with some rough edges that once seemed like depth. Alas, eight years in and it seems you've hit the bottom of all there is to him, which, frankly, is just not much. Like Rose, I try to avoid hammering down stereotypes, but it's pretty hard in this case. Every chance this man has had to grow up, he's grown down, or sideways. How does he go about the day-to-day business with coping with being that kind of adult human? By demeaning other adults, particularly those closest to him—and, who knows, maybe even his children. It's about as toxic and uncool as it gets, when people need to tear others apart to feel like they're in possession of a genuine spine.

    You have a lot of life ahead of you, to say nothing of your children. Your kids are still very young, but they've got eyes and ears. They're taking all this in, being informed by it. Speaking only for myself, the product of a father much like your boyfriend, save for the mean streak, I think probably the seminal event in my life was my mother's choice to back out of the relationship. I was four. Hard for her in the moment, I know, but a gigantic boon to both of us, in both the long and short run. Taught me a lot about love and resilience, whereas the lessons I'd have metabolized if they'd stayed together...ooof.

    In short, I don't think you're being oversensitive. The opposite, really. I think you've developed a very hard skin to be able to withstand this for as long as you have. That's one form of strength, but I don't think it's the skin you want to wear for the rest of your life. You're not 22 anymore, while it seems you're with a man soon to turn 40 who has hardened into the worst of what high school creates in some boys. This man has zero respect for himself—which, hey, I can't say I blame him. But people who have no respect for themselves are incapable of respecting others.

    I think your instincts were right a few months ago, when you were going to move in with your parents for a bit. In your shoes, I'd get back on that path for a bit, let the most potent emotions settle and the clearer thoughts surface. Give yourself just that and the rest of the way forward, I think, will start to present itself.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Why are you still there? I'd be long gone. If you can move home with your parents and take your girls, what are you waiting for? He's an abusive jerk.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Some people are diamonds in the rough and just need guidance with both solitary and couples therapy. From what you've written, he is not one of those people. I can't see anything worth salvaging since he doesn't seem to care about employment, takes no pride in caring for his house, and especially because he sucks at being a partner and father.

    Since you know how to manage a career and being a mom without much help from him, I'd get out now since the kids and you are in a toxic environment. It will be rough at first to get on your feet financially, but luckily you have the temporary lodging with your parents, and their help.

    What anyone else thinks of him is irrelevant. My ex-husband was the nastiest person to me, and a jovial, fun guy with everyone else. I became a much happier person when that marriage ended. I hope the same for you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to backpedal or fix holes that have always been there. It is better to cut your losses, and spare your kids this miserable upbringing. They are still young and resilient. The longer you stay the more damage you do. The relationship was never good. It may have had some good times, but that doesn't make it viable.
    Originally Posted by spinsugar
    have been together for 8 years. My fiancé had his first work injury in 2010, that he takes painkillers for daily.

    Our relationship has always been rocky, me having trust issues and we used to party a lot, lots of drinking etc. We would fight just about every weekend.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I think it's safe to say that after 8 yrs of being together, what you see is what you get. As it is, you have two children to raise, you don't need a third. Having said that, I'd focus on cutting the cord once and for all as he has repeatedly demonstrated what he's made of.

    Keep in mind that falling on your face is still moving forward.

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