Jump to content

Fiance of 8 years, two small kids, stepson, neverending issues/resentment


Recommended Posts

Sorry for how wordy this is..

 

My fiancé (38 years old) and I (30 years old) have been together for 8 years. Our relationship has always been rocky, me having trust issues and we used to party a lot, lots of drinking etc. We would fight just about every weekend. He has a son from a prior relationship, which I found out he was still seeing the mom when we first met (he claims he wouldn’t have been able to see his son if he didn’t string her along. Also, he denied it at first but admitted to it years later).

 

We have two daughters together, 4 and 2. His son is 14, and we get him every weeks or more in the summer/holidays.

 

I have had a full time, stable job for our entire relationship, only having been on maternity leave (paid) for both our daughters. I take pride in my work and I love coming to work, often joking that it’s a “break” from the stress of toddlers (we don’t get breaks from them really.. maybe once every 3 or 4 months). Fiancé on the other hand has had 4 different jobs since I’ve met him, each one lasting between 2 months and a year, and then long periods of unemployment between. He has also had 3 WCB claims in that time.. all supposedly not his fault, but suspicious to me. I think you can see where I’m going with this. He seems to not have a lot of ambition or drive to work in a long term, stable job.

 

To be fair, he always has paid half or almost half towards everything. He owns his house and always pays the mortgage and bills, I transfer 650.00 to him per month which is supposed to be my share. I also pay for the girls daycare (the girls are in daycare 2 days/week), any activities/dance/clothes etc. for the girls, our cable and internet, and all the groceries and eating out (atleast 500.00/month). He lately likes to claim that even though he’s on unemployment, he’s paying “more towards the house” than I am. Daycare alone is 1100/month. The mortgage is 975.00.. bills can’t be more than 400.00 or so, the groceries and meals that I alone pay for are atleast 500.00 plus I also transfer him 650.00. We never have leftover money to do fun stuff. We don’t save for the girls education (I did for a couple years but then he was unemployed again so had to stop).I am SO SICK of not having extra money. He is too because every now and then he’ll complain about how he hasn’t bought himself new clothes in years.. well duh because you don’t work.

 

The house is falling apart and has been ever since I met him. It needs some major renos to the inside, kitchen, and exterior. Every time I suggest paying someone to come in and fix it, he gets angry and says he can do it all. Well.. he’s been “starting to fix the house” for years. It’s not getting done. There’s every excuse for why not, he can’t afford it, doesn’t have time with the girls (even though they’re in daycare 2 days/week).. what about when he wasn’t working before they were born? We have been in heated arguments about this a lot.. he always says “well what have you done?” And then proceeds to act like I do nothing around the house no cleaning or anything. I’ll admit I’m not constantly cleaning, but I do vacuum, do dishes, clean the bathroom, tidy up, etc. He cooks every night which I definitely appreciate. But he acts like he does everything and I do nothing. He also says I "do nothing" with the girls. Which is also a lie, I come home from work and pretty much take over for the rest of the night, and almost all weekend I'm the one doing most things with them.

 

I guess I just need to know.. is our relationship hopeless? He has so much resentment and so do I. He blames me for not having friends, hobbies, or a life. I blame him for not having a nice home and family life. He doesn’t appreciate the little things I do, like letting him sleep in EVERY SINGLE DAY of EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I never get to sleep in. Even though he sleeps in though, he still wakes up grumbling and angry almost every day. It’s always something.. his back hurts, his stomach hurts, he can’t eat, couldn’t fall asleep til 3 in the morning, etc. He never just wakes up happy and it drags me down.

 

I tried to leave with the girls to go live with my parents a few months ago, because I’d had enough of our fighting and yelling in front of our kids. He sent me cryptic messages like “tell the girls I loved them” “make sure the girls know how much I cared about them” etc. so I thought he was being suicidal. I called him frantically for over an hour and even called his mom to check up on him. When he finally answered and I said I was worried, he said “you think I’m gonna kill myself, you’re such a self centred bxt!” He has done this sort of thing in the past too.. always the victim. The world is forever against him in his mind.

 

He gets mad when my parents come over to visit too much, says why don’t me and the girls just go over there (even though we already do go there for sleepovers twice a month), he also seems to hate my parents. He acts annoyed of them and both he and his son always think they're the smartest person in any room and talk down to my parents atleast once every time we see them.

 

You can probably tell by this whole post that I have a lot of anger towards him. Sometimes we do get along but it’s not nearly as much as we seem to have this contempt for each other.. I need help. I need someone to help me figure out what to do. Any words of advice? Is there anything I can say or do to get through to him or would we be better off to separate?

 

A couple other things I thought I should add but don't know how to fit in:

Double standards: He can say how hot his nurse was when he got his vasectomy and how that made it awkward, if I ever dared say my dentist is hot he would be upset. In the past, he has made remarks like this here and there, and if I’ve ever tried to do it he gets upset real quick.

 

Also has in the past had female friends he can text and message on fb, but has said it’s different with any guys who have tried to message me on fb because they “only want one thing”. Now laments about not having female friends because he’s “not allowed” even though I’ve never forbidden him from having female friends. I have gotten mad about him deleting texts from friends and liking a picture of a friend in her lingerie. Just recently deleted a message form a girl and when I asked what it said he said “howdy” and I asked why he delted it when he keeps all his other facebook messages from years ago and he just shrugged it off and said “it wasn’t important”.

 

I have never said he is not allowed to have female friends. I wonder if I’m allowed to have male friends though, if he wants to seek out female friends? Would he extend the same courtesy?

 

He has no problem making me look like an idiot in front of people. We were at a Halloween party and he told a girl we’re both friends with, but don’t know super well, that “he’ll get in trouble from me if he talks to her”. I could hear it and said that is absolutely not true and he made it seem like I’m a controlling b---h. At that same party, he told his friend that his cousin (who is my good friend) is so hot that all his friends probably wanted to sleep with her and that he (her own cousin) probably also did! While I’m standing right there looking around awkwardly.. He also joked about my family being inbred because their from the east coast while I stood there and everyone laughed. Tells me I can’t drive a standard even though all 3 of my vehicles I had before getting an SUV were standard and I drove them just fine.. like he wants me to feel stupid.

 

I feel like I could type for hours about everything but sometimes wonder if I'm overreacting.. am I overreacting? Am I just too sensitive?

Link to comment

What do your parents think? You need to pull way back and stop overcompensating for him. Pay less, be out of the home much more focus on your kids and let him fend for himself more. There is no point feeling like a victim when you do too much, then resent it.

 

Scale way back. Less money, less housework, less child care etc. Your overcompensating allows and enables his inertia. Never pay toward home improvements on a house where your name is not on the deed. Pay your share like rent, but not more. He sounds mentally/verbally abusive and that is something you should research and talk to trusted friends and family about.

Link to comment

I think you're in a very abusive situation and your partner is manipulative and abusive. Try going back to the reasons for staying. I would sort things out clearly about your reasons for staying and then enlist the help of your parents in a transition move if you decide to leave this situation. You're not doing anyone any favours taking that kind of language from someone and letting this anger build up. The relationship is dysfunctional and the contempt, a word you used above, is unhealthy for the kids to be around.

 

The inability to keep a job or have regular income (in some way) is a dealbreaker for me. A person doesn't have to work all the time to pay the bills or remain respectful and kind to their partner but if money is a known issue, there should be greater efforts to find employment or plan together what little you do have. I think the word that comes to mind is deadbeat. I'm sorry to say that. The stereotypes are endless and not my intention to perpetuate but the idea of a verbally abusive, controlling and non-contributory (in terms of money or appropriate care) individual makes this an overall negative situation.

 

Are you sure the story he's telling you about his ex and not seeing his son in the beginning was true? She might have prevented him from seeing the child or being alone with his son when the son was younger because he does have a known history of abuse or is unreliable, not to be trusted alone with a child. The son seems to have adopted the bullish, negative and abusive nature of his father if at 14 he has already learned how to talk down to others. You should tread very carefully.

 

If you are invested in the relationship, both of you have to be on the same page with the income and his work situation. You'll have to make peace with the idea that this is who he is and the job hopping or lack of employment or a second income may be a reality for awhile especially with job losses this year or unemployment rates. There's also a red flag there if he's not been able to hold down a position for awhile pre-covid. His employers may have noticed his behavioural issues and abusive language in the workplace. He may or may not have told you the full story for these things.

Link to comment

My dad has said that he thinks he's depressed and sympathizes because he also has a bad back and suffers from depression (only my dad has had jobs his whole life and takes medication for his depression and is known as a very kind man). My fiancé had his first work injury in 2010, that he takes painkillers for daily. I actually found a doctor's note clearing him for full work duties 2 weeks after the incident while I was going through paperwork one day and when confronting him on it he said they changed that (never seen any paperwork to that effect though..)

 

My parents have always said I'm welcome to go live with them if needed. They don't like seeing me sad and conflicted but they are always kind to him and treat him very well, watching the girls whenever he needs it during the days they're not in daycare.

 

He is so charming and charismatic that sometimes I think my friends and family think I'm exaggerating..

Link to comment

Has he become physically dependent on opioids? If so you need to pack up your kids and leave. It does not matter if something like this is prescribed or not. Opioids are depressants and change personalities and priorities and deepen already existing problems.

 

He needs detox and rehab from them, but that is not your problem. Your problem is denial and getting yourself and your kids out of this nightmare. Your first responsibility is to them not a pain pill addict.

My fiancé had his first work injury in 2010, that he takes painkillers for daily
Link to comment

Sorry about all this.

 

Much as it's my nature to search for silver linings and clearings through weeds, I'm really not seeing that here. At least not a path that involves you two staying together and willing a functional, supportive dynamic from one that, going from what you've offered here, has been built largely on validating dysfunction for years and years.

 

I can imagine you, at 22, finding a certain kind of 30 year old dude compelling: charm, charisma, along with some rough edges that once seemed like depth. Alas, eight years in and it seems you've hit the bottom of all there is to him, which, frankly, is just not much. Like Rose, I try to avoid hammering down stereotypes, but it's pretty hard in this case. Every chance this man has had to grow up, he's grown down, or sideways. How does he go about the day-to-day business with coping with being that kind of adult human? By demeaning other adults, particularly those closest to him—and, who knows, maybe even his children. It's about as toxic and uncool as it gets, when people need to tear others apart to feel like they're in possession of a genuine spine.

 

You have a lot of life ahead of you, to say nothing of your children. Your kids are still very young, but they've got eyes and ears. They're taking all this in, being informed by it. Speaking only for myself, the product of a father much like your boyfriend, save for the mean streak, I think probably the seminal event in my life was my mother's choice to back out of the relationship. I was four. Hard for her in the moment, I know, but a gigantic boon to both of us, in both the long and short run. Taught me a lot about love and resilience, whereas the lessons I'd have metabolized if they'd stayed together...ooof.

 

In short, I don't think you're being oversensitive. The opposite, really. I think you've developed a very hard skin to be able to withstand this for as long as you have. That's one form of strength, but I don't think it's the skin you want to wear for the rest of your life. You're not 22 anymore, while it seems you're with a man soon to turn 40 who has hardened into the worst of what high school creates in some boys. This man has zero respect for himself—which, hey, I can't say I blame him. But people who have no respect for themselves are incapable of respecting others.

 

I think your instincts were right a few months ago, when you were going to move in with your parents for a bit. In your shoes, I'd get back on that path for a bit, let the most potent emotions settle and the clearer thoughts surface. Give yourself just that and the rest of the way forward, I think, will start to present itself.

Link to comment

Some people are diamonds in the rough and just need guidance with both solitary and couples therapy. From what you've written, he is not one of those people. I can't see anything worth salvaging since he doesn't seem to care about employment, takes no pride in caring for his house, and especially because he sucks at being a partner and father.

 

Since you know how to manage a career and being a mom without much help from him, I'd get out now since the kids and you are in a toxic environment. It will be rough at first to get on your feet financially, but luckily you have the temporary lodging with your parents, and their help.

 

What anyone else thinks of him is irrelevant. My ex-husband was the nastiest person to me, and a jovial, fun guy with everyone else. I became a much happier person when that marriage ended. I hope the same for you.

Link to comment

Try not to backpedal or fix holes that have always been there. It is better to cut your losses, and spare your kids this miserable upbringing. They are still young and resilient. The longer you stay the more damage you do. The relationship was never good. It may have had some good times, but that doesn't make it viable.

have been together for 8 years. My fiancé had his first work injury in 2010, that he takes painkillers for daily.

 

Our relationship has always been rocky, me having trust issues and we used to party a lot, lots of drinking etc. We would fight just about every weekend.

Link to comment

I think it's safe to say that after 8 yrs of being together, what you see is what you get. As it is, you have two children to raise, you don't need a third. Having said that, I'd focus on cutting the cord once and for all as he has repeatedly demonstrated what he's made of.

 

Keep in mind that falling on your face is still moving forward.

Link to comment

Thank you everyone so much for your responses I appreciate them all.

 

I know deep down in my heart I need to leave. It's so hard because I have fears of what will happen once I do.. what if he does hurt himself? What if he does something in retaliation? I see horror stories in the news and it just keeps me thinking what if that happened and I'd never live with myself. THen I say to myself, "no, he loves them. Just because he is bad for you does not mean he would ever do that". When I try to leave, it ends up being an explosive fight. I want to leave on somewhat amicable terms. How do I even do that with someone like him?

 

I just know I can't keep living like this. Every day I think about this and how did I get in this bad of a situation, I see happy couples and I feel angry. Why does he think I deserve to be treated this way :(

Link to comment

What made you want to have two kids with this man? I can understand having one before you woke up, but why did you stay all this time? He won't change. If all he did when you left was send texts (he didn't come after you), i would take it as a cue that you could go stay with your parents and the girls a few weeks and then find your own place with them. He is treating you financially like you are a roommate with two kids - not shared kids. I would not pay him $650 a month towards HIS house being that you equitably are paying other bills and your name is not on the house. (you pay for just about everything else).

 

Take the $650 you pay him, shave off some of the food budget by not having to pay for food for a man and a part time teen boy (those can eat you out of house and home) - and do a 2 an 4 year old REALLY need dance class at that age - and use the money to get your own place - even if its a two bedroom apartment or even a one bedroom where you sleep on the sofa. They have a right to their dad, even though he is not perfect, but not like this...

Link to comment

If you are willing to put your foot down - you don't buy all the snacks he wants and stop paying towards his house - maybe you can take back some charge and some dignity and if he uses the lack of employment to be available to be Mr Mom and raise the girls instead of them going to daycare...then maybe..... if you lived with mom and dad could they go to just part time day care?

Link to comment
He is treating you financially like you are a roommate with two kids - not shared kids.

 

^^^This. And you let him. Based on what you wrote, if you were to leave him and live on your own, financially it would be pretty much the same for you (or better), plus you would get rid off all his complaining, disrespect and other crappy behaviour. Based on what you wrote, the guy is a leach and you let him get away with it. As already mentioned, this is not an example you want to set for your daughters.

Link to comment

Thank you so much everyone for responding. Even though some of it was hard to read I needed to read it. I know it seems crazy to stay for that long but please know I did try to break up with him a few times during the years, even before the girls came along. I don't know why I kept going back to him, it wasn't like he did anything grand to earn me back. It was more like me begging for him to just love me how I want and need to be loved and accepting little crumbs. I think I have codependency issues and obviously I am very insecure to accept this for 8 freaking years.

 

I have a plan, please help me and tell me if it sounds good or if there's anything I should change/add to. I will also call the domestic hotline, he has never been physical but the verbal and mental abuse I know is bad too. And for tips on how to leave with less drama.

 

My plan:

 

1. I had already booked the next week off of work for a vacation. I'm going to use this time to go to my parents house and tell him me and the girls are going there for my days off for a break. Should I tell him I need a break or just tell him point blank that we're done? We are done and I know this isn't a break but I'm just wondering if it would be easier to do if I make it seem less serious at first. It will be a stressful 3 weeks when I return to work as I'll be covering for two other assistants' vacations so I really hope it deson't affect me at work (but I'm trying to keep in mind this relationship has affected me at work ever since we've been together due to us fighting all the time so I'll get over it).

 

2. When the girls are at my parents house, maybe I should just drive to my house and tell him what is really happening and that I need space from him. I will tell him he can see the girls as much as he wants but that I will get them in full time daycare effective my first week back to work. Should I offer for him to watch them a couple of days instead? I'm just wondering if he'll feel like only having the weekends and evenings available would be enough.. this part I really don't know about.

 

3. I will tell him throughout this that I don't want to fight, I want to be adults about it so we can coparent our children and make this as easy on them as it possibly can be.

 

4. Should I keep the etransfer of $650.00 and TV/Internet that's in my name (but not pay towards anything else anymore) for a month or two? I was thinking of telling him that I will keep the etransfer and TV/Internet for August and September, but that effective the end of September I will have to stop because I will need to save for our own place. The TV/Internet is not under a contract so I can cancel it anytime. With covid and everything, I highly doubt he will get a job right away, I do know he has money in RRSPs so he wouldn't be absolutely screwed but I don't want to make this worse than it has to be.

 

Once I've moved in with my parents, I should be able to save 1,000.00 every month (I'm even going to give them 600.00 per month - highly doubt they'll accept it but I will try) and that's even with paying for daycare, food, etc. I have worked over my budget post-separation many times throughout the years. It actually makes me happy to picture me and the girls in our own place and it has made me feel happy for so long but I keep not doing it. This time I must do it. I KNOW that I'll be happier. I have to do this. My girls deserve better.

Link to comment

Just briefly OP.

 

Point 1. Go the "point blank" route. Makes no sense to drag this out.

 

Point 2. Do not drive to the house. It is important you get legal advice and document any visitation/care arrangements.

 

Point 3. Waste of time telling him anything.

 

Point 4. Keep it legal.

 

Better late than never. Make the move now. Better times ahead.

Link to comment

Say nothing, except that you are visiting your parents. You need to change all your passwords, accounts, paperwork and do all the legal and financial severing. Get to the bank and do whatever you can online. Have your mail forwarded to your parents and change your address on All your accounts. Do not "discuss" it. Just do it.

 

Do Not Tell him it's over until all your and the kids stuff is out of the house and you have severed all financial. associations. Do not pay for anything you are not responsible for. You need to take care of and protect your kids not give him money to hang around popping pain pills and giving him the heads up to rake you over the coals.

 

Your plan gives him the heads up to screw you over, clean out all the money, change the locks and get custody of your kids. Don't be foolish. You also need to contact an attorney to make sure you only allow supervised visitation, since he is an opioid user.

1. I had already booked the next week off of work for a vacation.

Link to comment
Say nothing, except that you are visiting your parents. You need to change all your passwords, accounts, paperwork and do all the legal and financial severing. Get to the bank and do whatever you can online. Have your mail forwarded to your parents and change your address on All your accounts. Do not "discuss" it. Just do it.

 

Do Not Tell him it's over until all your and the kids stuff is out of the house and you have severed all financial. associations. Do not pay for anything you are not responsible for. You need to take care of and protect your kids not give him money to hang around popping pain pills and giving him the heads up to rake you over the coals.

 

Your plan gives him the heads up to screw you over, clean out all the money, change the locks and get custody of your kids. Don't be foolish. You also need to contact an attorney to make sure you only allow supervised visitation, since he is an opioid user.

 

He has a prescription from his doctor and he said it's synthetic opioid (tramacet) - does that still mean that he isn't fit? I didn't realize that even prescription medication for pain prescribed by a doctor would mean he is an addict.

Link to comment

Tramadol is an opioid pain medication. Up to you if you want your kids around him unsupervised. However just because it's prescribed, doesn't mean he should be driving, supervising kids etc. Up to you.

He has a prescription from his doctor and he said it's synthetic opioid (tramacet) - does that still mean that he isn't fit? I didn't realize that even prescription medication for pain prescribed by a doctor would mean he is an addict.
Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...