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Thread: Fiance of 8 years, two small kids, stepson, neverending issues/resentment

  1. #21

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    Thank you so much everyone for responding. Even though some of it was hard to read I needed to read it. I know it seems crazy to stay for that long but please know I did try to break up with him a few times during the years, even before the girls came along. I don't know why I kept going back to him, it wasn't like he did anything grand to earn me back. It was more like me begging for him to just love me how I want and need to be loved and accepting little crumbs. I think I have codependency issues and obviously I am very insecure to accept this for 8 freaking years.

    I have a plan, please help me and tell me if it sounds good or if there's anything I should change/add to. I will also call the domestic hotline, he has never been physical but the verbal and mental abuse I know is bad too. And for tips on how to leave with less drama.

    My plan:

    1. I had already booked the next week off of work for a vacation. I'm going to use this time to go to my parents house and tell him me and the girls are going there for my days off for a break. Should I tell him I need a break or just tell him point blank that we're done? We are done and I know this isn't a break but I'm just wondering if it would be easier to do if I make it seem less serious at first. It will be a stressful 3 weeks when I return to work as I'll be covering for two other assistants' vacations so I really hope it deson't affect me at work (but I'm trying to keep in mind this relationship has affected me at work ever since we've been together due to us fighting all the time so I'll get over it).

    2. When the girls are at my parents house, maybe I should just drive to my house and tell him what is really happening and that I need space from him. I will tell him he can see the girls as much as he wants but that I will get them in full time daycare effective my first week back to work. Should I offer for him to watch them a couple of days instead? I'm just wondering if he'll feel like only having the weekends and evenings available would be enough.. this part I really don't know about.

    3. I will tell him throughout this that I don't want to fight, I want to be adults about it so we can coparent our children and make this as easy on them as it possibly can be.

    4. Should I keep the etransfer of $650.00 and TV/Internet that's in my name (but not pay towards anything else anymore) for a month or two? I was thinking of telling him that I will keep the etransfer and TV/Internet for August and September, but that effective the end of September I will have to stop because I will need to save for our own place. The TV/Internet is not under a contract so I can cancel it anytime. With covid and everything, I highly doubt he will get a job right away, I do know he has money in RRSPs so he wouldn't be absolutely screwed but I don't want to make this worse than it has to be.

    Once I've moved in with my parents, I should be able to save 1,000.00 every month (I'm even going to give them 600.00 per month - highly doubt they'll accept it but I will try) and that's even with paying for daycare, food, etc. I have worked over my budget post-separation many times throughout the years. It actually makes me happy to picture me and the girls in our own place and it has made me feel happy for so long but I keep not doing it. This time I must do it. I KNOW that I'll be happier. I have to do this. My girls deserve better.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Just briefly OP.

    Point 1. Go the "point blank" route. Makes no sense to drag this out.

    Point 2. Do not drive to the house. It is important you get legal advice and document any visitation/care arrangements.

    Point 3. Waste of time telling him anything.

    Point 4. Keep it legal.

    Better late than never. Make the move now. Better times ahead.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Say nothing, except that you are visiting your parents. You need to change all your passwords, accounts, paperwork and do all the legal and financial severing. Get to the bank and do whatever you can online. Have your mail forwarded to your parents and change your address on All your accounts. Do not "discuss" it. Just do it.

    Do Not Tell him it's over until all your and the kids stuff is out of the house and you have severed all financial. associations. Do not pay for anything you are not responsible for. You need to take care of and protect your kids not give him money to hang around popping pain pills and giving him the heads up to rake you over the coals.

    Your plan gives him the heads up to screw you over, clean out all the money, change the locks and get custody of your kids. Don't be foolish. You also need to contact an attorney to make sure you only allow supervised visitation, since he is an opioid user.
    Originally Posted by spinsugar
    1. I had already booked the next week off of work for a vacation.

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Say nothing, except that you are visiting your parents. You need to change all your passwords, accounts, paperwork and do all the legal and financial severing. Get to the bank and do whatever you can online. Have your mail forwarded to your parents and change your address on All your accounts. Do not "discuss" it. Just do it.

    Do Not Tell him it's over until all your and the kids stuff is out of the house and you have severed all financial. associations. Do not pay for anything you are not responsible for. You need to take care of and protect your kids not give him money to hang around popping pain pills and giving him the heads up to rake you over the coals.

    Your plan gives him the heads up to screw you over, clean out all the money, change the locks and get custody of your kids. Don't be foolish. You also need to contact an attorney to make sure you only allow supervised visitation, since he is an opioid user.
    He has a prescription from his doctor and he said it's synthetic opioid (tramacet) - does that still mean that he isn't fit? I didn't realize that even prescription medication for pain prescribed by a doctor would mean he is an addict.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Tramadol is an opioid pain medication. Up to you if you want your kids around him unsupervised. However just because it's prescribed, doesn't mean he should be driving, supervising kids etc. Up to you.
    Originally Posted by spinsugar
    He has a prescription from his doctor and he said it's synthetic opioid (tramacet) - does that still mean that he isn't fit? I didn't realize that even prescription medication for pain prescribed by a doctor would mean he is an addict.

  7. #26
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    Dating a megalomaniac never helps especially when they trap you when your young.

    Don't let this guy destroy you, which is the path he has been leading you down.

    He is unaccountable for anything he does. A few more years, he'll become a solid dead beat. Don't waste your best years on him.

    And don't worry, megalomaniacs and narcissists don't kills themselves. They are too busy thinking how amazing they are.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He has no problem making me look like an idiot in front of people. We were at a Halloween party and he told a girl we’re both friends with, but don’t know super well, that “he’ll get in trouble from me if he talks to her”. I could hear it and said that is absolutely not true and he made it seem like I’m a controlling b---h. At that same party, he told his friend that his cousin (who is my good friend) is so hot that all his friends probably wanted to sleep with her and that he (her own cousin) probably also did! While I’m standing right there looking around awkwardly.. He also joked about my family being inbred because their from the east coast while I stood there and everyone laughed. Tells me I can’t drive a standard even though all 3 of my vehicles I had before getting an SUV were standard and I drove them just fine.. like he wants me to feel stupid.

    And you want to be so kind as to pay his Internet/cable for 2 months? You're being too kind for your own good. And being that you are willing to pay half his rent for 2 months without you and the girls there, I'm going to guess you won't ask for child support payments because you don't want to upset him. As for your parents, I'd assume they'd like some rent, but wouldn't they want you paying less to them and saving more for a down payment on an apartment?

    You're going to have to develop more of a spine and do what's best for you and your girls, not appease a jerk who doesn't know how to treat you right.

    Yes, separate yourself financially, see a lawyer to get the ball rolling on custody and child support agreements, and meet him in a public place without the children that is secluded enough for a private talk but not so secluded that you could shout for help if needed. Strive for supervised child custody visitation if you think it's warranted. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  9. #28
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    Honestly, I would not "tell him what is happening".
    I would just tell him you are going to your parents to spend time.
    I would ASK your parents if you can live with them until you get things sorted out.
    You can't just show up and expect to live there.
    Nope, end the $650. Transfer internet into his name or shut it off.
    I would use my time off to see an attorney while you have the benefit of your kids spending time with your parents.
    I would use my time off to get your personal possessions out of the house.
    I would in fact ahead of time, take all your personal papers and most valued personal possessions (photo of great grandma, jewelry, personal momentos that cannot be replaced, baby photos of girls and their prized possessions) and take a little out each day before your time off. You can easily put your birth certificate, other personal papers in your purse and none will be the wiser.

    Know that everything else is just stuff and if you have to leave it, you do.

    I would file for physical custody of the girls - i would imagine because you are not married, it would be a lot easier than if you were married.
    Then i would let him know that you are not coming back and make sure if you do go back to get your stuff, a friend or parents are with you - either out in the car or actually with you, so you do not cave.

    If he is on Opiods, he should not drive i would imagine. and he will have the right to visitation to the girls. Not having consistent employment should not be a reason that he cannot see them

  10. #29
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    My buddy got things prepared, looking for a new place, etc. Then, when her husband went on a work trip, she and her friends moved out. Sometimes, when you are stuck in a volatile position, you need to play along until you can safely leave. People like him, if they get word you are leaving, will try to cripple you beforehand by stopping to pay bills, anything to ruin your credit. Hide your things, sell things. You do not need to tell him face to face you are leaving them.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't expect child support. But be careful about visitation.

    ." He seems to not have a lot of ambition or drive to work in a long term, stable job."

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