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Thread: I regret breaking up and can't stop the self hate now

  1. #1
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    I regret breaking up and can't stop the self hate now

    Hi all,

    first of all, I wasn't sure what appropriate place to post this. Is it here, "Getting back together" or "Breaking up advice"? Spare me if I'm wrong.

    A bit of backstory/explanation first: for some reason I've had mental health issues since I was a kid. Can't remember a time when I wasn't nervous/anxious about something. Perhaps it's me, genetics, the way I was raised, I don't know. I always manage to find a thing to occupy my mind, something to worry about. I went through some traumatic events: being bullied, best friend's suicide, really nasty parents' divorce that's still making my life hell (due to their awful, childish behaviour).

    What has really made me down those days (last year actually) is my fault and I cannot recover from it, cannot stop the self-hate and self-pity.

    Last year I was an exchange student in a foregin country. It was all fince, I was having a decent time, with few ups and downs, just life in general, a pleasant one. Last month of the exchange I met this girl, let's call her T. We immediately hit it of. Despite being with quite some women before, this was different. It was so smooth, pure, whole different experience. The time we spent together was splening, I was high on life (never imagined this can happen, that you can be so happy). She was local and unfortunately didn't reside in the city of my exchange, so we managed to spend together just about a week in total (three visits of each other).
    After leaving the country she was devastated since I was immediately moving to enother country for an internship. She wanted to keep the "relationship", she was trying really hard, trying to show me how much she cares and convince me to keep it. At the time I rejected her and told her I don't see a way to continue this (I felt like "grass is greener on the other side" and wanted to be with more different women, besides that I very much suffer from the fear of commitment). If it wasn't for the long distance I would definietly continue on seeing her and building what we had. But dumb me at the time was afraid I'd miss out too much, if I continued with long distance.
    Not long after I started to feel lonely and reached out to her again, without much success. I realise my messages were desperate and toxic for her. A year has passed since I told her to stop it and probably not a single day has passed without me thinking of her. She was exactly what I want in woman: very beautiful, smart, humorous, generous, sweet, with big heart, heck she was even awesome in bed. We had similar interests and taste in music.
    I was doing okay, feeling a little regret, until last week I had a dream of her. It messed up with my mind badly. I feel like I fell into this deep hole and all I can see is she and how I hurt her. I tried contacting her and apologizing properly, hoping to hear from her, but with no success. She didn't respond. From checking out her social media it looks like she's doing fine. I understand that I'm just a pathetic "ex" for her now.

    I am not sure how to proceed with my life. I'm deeply depressed, trapped into self-hate, guilt and pity. I genuinely beleive that I will never meet someone so amazing again. She even told me she though I was "the one" for her (I never beleived much in such things, but this still left a deep scar in my mind). Perhaps I'll meet someone I'll enjoy spending my time with, but it won't be the same. Noone has ever even looked at me the same way.

    I've been with some other women since then, which made me temporarily happy, but at the end I always come back to T, can't get her out of my mind. I feel like I have to push through every day.Whenever I go through a challenging situation I think of her and it makes me feel even worse. It's been a year, a year full of regret. I know it's my fault and I asked for this, which is making so much worse.

    Tell me that I'm wrong, that I'll be fine. Tell me what to do to fix this. I can't go through this much longer, I felt suicidal before, now I'm contemplating it again.

    Sorry if the post is all messed up, it's reflection of my twisted mind.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. This is not about her, it's about getting better treatment and support for your mental health. Start there. Call a suicide or mental health line to talk to someone.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear that. This is not about her, it's about getting better treatment and support for your mental health. Start there. Call a suicide or mental health line to talk to someone.
    I am not that close to it, I just sympathise with the idea. It seems like an easy way to end misery.

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    Yeah you need professional help before getting into any relationship. Get your own house in order first and then the good times will follow.

    It won't be easy and it will take time but it will be worth it.

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    I forgot to mention, right after I saw a therapist and was feeling better for some time, but sadly I don't have an acces anymore, perhaps in a couple of months, since I'm moving soon.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by imunhappy
    I forgot to mention, right after I saw a therapist and was feeling better for some time, but sadly I don't have an acces anymore, perhaps in a couple of months, since I'm moving soon.
    You can and will get through this. so first off, know that!

    Maybe you always reflect back to T, because it really is as simple as you have not found anyone else. So when you find yourself alone, your thoughts go back to..... there is a place in your life that you'd like to share. and that is something everyone seeks. You can and will meet someone else. Someone better.

    So on to your mental health & therapy.... its not enough sometimes to go once. Its kinda like bathing... you have to keep doing it for it to be effective.

    See if you can find some resources, even books that sound good to you.

    The thing is, sometimes we have too much time to think. And of course, real issues need real doctors.

    But! There are things you can do to support yourself. Healthy habits, engaging your mind in worthwhile endeavors, actively working to control your thoughts and bringing those thoughts back to positive ones...

    You obviously have the internet, which connects you to more information than any other time in modern history. Look into self love books, meditation, healthy diet... anything that piques your interests.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There were three visits and a handful of times you saw each other. Slow down a little and let's talk through this.

    When someone special comes into our life there's an undeniable print left behind. It's a mix of all the emotions and associations with this person that leave a lasting memory. You will continue to have memories like this with people throughout your life. If you're a bit younger the experience may seem otherworldly and difficult to navigate and confusing. Just take things in stride if you can and hold still on the extremes.

    If you have a history of suicidal thoughts, start looking for local resources now in your town or community or city. There are good people who want to share those resources with you and you don't have to keep silent. The trick is to deal with those destructive thoughts and not look for more sources to self-destruct. In other words, try to divert your thoughts away from this person and start taking better care of your mental health. The answers are not with this person, T. It's with you and how you manage your thoughts.

    I recently went into check out a local community or shelter and wanted to help out and was given a lot of info and readings also. This surprised me because I was planning to help the community but someone reached out to me and took it upon themselves to help me too although I didn't ask for it. The resources were very thoughtful and although I haven't yet gone through them, I know they're there, sitting like arsenals that I can use in times of reflection. If you are in a new city, start finding constructive and helpful ways to connect with people in tangible ways. Bring yourself back into reality and check into what's going on in the new city. I think you could be isolated and feeling down about all these new changes and struggling to find meaning in a new or meaningless place. Bring meaning back to where you are. It'll help give you other perspectives and lenses from which to view the world and your new place.

    Leave the romance out of the picture for the time being and try and get settled where you are. It's natural to want to revert back to the people with whom there were once positive associations. It may not be appropriate though given the circumstances. Bring yourself up to date. Start checking out your new town or city. Make new friends. Your goal was to complete an internship. Do you have a good idea of what they're expecting of you on the job? Chat with your colleagues and plug yourself into what's going on in the industry. Make the most of this internship.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    While I agree with what the others have said, I also think you need to do two things:

    1.) Tell her you were wrong and that you feel she's "the one" and so on. Then at least you've told her everything and if she still doesn't respond then it really is time to close that door forever.

    2.) Stop sleeping with randoms, it will end up making you feel worse and worse as you will not only be a sleep around (and no one wants that) but you will notice even more how it's all empty and slightly depressing having 2 people who don't give a toss about one another just using each other's bodies.

    Stay in your own and in your own bed until you are well enough to date properly again. Hopefully after you get some therapy and have completely resolved the situation with this woman, you can move on, one way or the other.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Try looking into online therapists. I do believe there are quite a bit available right now for online sessions, and as well ask your doctor for an antidepressant. If you get one that works well for you, it can help a lot.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    For what it's worth, I think that you acted correctly and perfectly rationally back then. You had just met and there wasn't enough there after just a few meets to try to carry things on into an instant LDR relationship. You were in a transitional stage of life and it was very much rational to leave this fling behind you. Yes it was a fling. As any fling - it was hot, heady, exciting and also short lived and that's why it's so easy to idolize her now.

    That's exactly what you are doing - idolizing in hindsight. The reality is, OP, that she is just human and flawed just like everyone else. During that brief time, you just saw the shiny bits - fun, chemistry, excitement, etc. If you had actually dated for real....you'd have seen the not so pretty parts, the human parts - mood swings, arguments, annoying habits, imperfections, differences of opinion about things, etc. It's easy to fantasize about a person when you didn't see their humanity, but also it's not something you should indulge in as it is kind of self destructive to you.

    When you feel down, it's really very normal for your brain to reach back to memories of good times. Just don't go overboard and paint it as more than what it was - a fun time, a fun memory, a feel good rather than a feel bad. A fun fling, not some grand romance. In other words, put your feet back on the ground - she wasn't that special and yes, plenty more other women out there who are not only similar but better.

    If you tend to get into these kind of almost obsessive type negative thought patterns where you go back and put yourself down over normal, rational decisions....you might want to give cognitive behavioral therapy a very serious try. Find a specialist and give it a go. It's not easy to change your thought patterns, but you seem to be quite rational and intelligent at your core, so it might be very helpful to you if you are willing to persevere and do the work. Improve the quality of your life permanently so that you can be happy and find a fulfilling relationship, flaws and all, instead of getting stuck idolizing a long ago fling.

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