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Thread: How to stay healthily single after a breakup?

  1. #1
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    How to stay healthily single after a breakup?

    Recently ended a toxic relationship.

    I have made a personal goal not to date anyone or be in a relationship for at least 6 months, at the very very least! Ideally I would like to remain single for a year. It was a serious 3 year relationship that just ended a couple of months ago.

    Iíve had a couple of rebound one night stands since, it was good getting that out of my system, but definitely put me off dating because I forgot how cruel the dating world can be now days.

    Iím ok in my own company and spend most nights alone. Then I have moments of weakness where I yearn to be with someone, and feel sad when I see people around me in loving relationships and wish so much that I could have that.

    Before I get the cliche ďlove yourselfĒ spiel, yes I do love myself. Ending a toxic relationship was the most self loving thing Iíve done for me in a long while.

    How do I curb these pangs of hating being single?

    If matters, Iím 27 and a few months shy of turning 28!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    So, OP. I'll turn the question around. What do you hate about being single? Just to remark that other people's lives may be quite different to what you perceive (couples for example).

    Aaah, to be 27 again! So much to do, and one doesn't even get round to half of it!

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to force yourself to being a monk for any specific amount of time.. Casual dating is fine, but one night stands is perhaps too much in the other direction. It sounds like your are reading too many cliches (love yourself, don't date for x time, etc.) rather than doing what feels best for you.
    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    I have made a personal goal not to date anyone or be in a relationship for at least 6 months, at the very very least! Ideally I would like to remain single for a year. Iíve had a couple of rebound one night stands since

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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    So, OP. I'll turn the question around. What do you hate about being single? Just to remark that other people's lives may be quite different to what you perceive (couples for example).

    Aaah, to be 27 again! So much to do, and one doesn't even get round to half of it!
    I guess I miss the company, but most importantly miss being with someone who loves me and I love them. Too bad my last relationship was riddled with toxicity, even though there was so much love there.. but I question if it was ever love, perhaps addiction because I was trauma bonded to a narcissists (I had no doubt that he loved me).

    Miss having someone there for me... itís lonely being single sometimes and I donít want just a hook up. A friends with benefits situation would be ideal, because I wonít be breaking my plan of remaining single...

    But letís face it, those never end well. Someone always ends up catching feelings, and Iíll end up feeling worse.

    I know healing and dedicating a year to be single is the right thing to do.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Try not to force yourself to being a monk for any specific amount of time.. Casual dating is fine, but one night stands is perhaps too much in the other direction. It sounds like your are reading too many cliches (love yourself, don't date for x time, etc.) rather than doing what feels best for you.
    Youíre right, and that makes sense. Admittedly I have been on a couple of dates for casual sex... and had two one night stands. Never saw or spoke to the guys again, they ghosted me actually (after they realised what I drunk mess I was and that I slept with them on the first date) but that is all it was.. like I said, Iím glad I got that out of my system.

    Now to be on this long path / journey of self healing... but itís so damn lonely. Iím done with one night stands and hookups.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I've gone back to thinking a bit more about what matters and would like to get back to doing more community work or donate my services to charities. I left a lot of that out for a long period and I think it dulled a side of me and the outcome over time is not something I'm that proud of.

    Do something for yourself that means something to you or is bigger than what you are as an individual. You fall into the same trap of dating the same versions of yourself or others if you aren't able to get out of that bubble or headspace that kept you stagnating for so long.

    Physical affection and intimacy is fine but I don't think it's healthy to swing too far that way and forget to think about yourself also and your individual identity. There's only so much that that type of interaction does.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I've gone back to thinking a bit more about what matters and would like to get back to doing more community work or donate my services to charities. I left a lot of that out for a long period and I think it dulled a side of me and the outcome over time is not something I'm that proud of.

    Do something for yourself that means something to you or is bigger than what you are as an individual. You fall into the same trap of dating the same versions of yourself or others if you aren't able to get out of that bubble or headspace that kept you stagnating for so long.

    Physical affection and intimacy is fine but I don't think it's healthy to swing too far that way and forget to think about yourself also and your individual identity. There's only so much that that type of interaction does.
    Thanks for this insight, thatís a really good point and a different perspective I can look at things from too.

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. "If it hurts it isn't love"

    - Angry over small things, yell and loose his temper. Never hit me, but has yelled at me many times. Apologises afterwards when I make a point that it wasnít acceptable to speak like that.. only after having it escalate and blow out of proportion.

    - Shutdown and get angry whenever I mentioned how I was feeling upset about something in the relationship.


    Does any of that sound like love? I don't think so. Not a lot to miss there IMO. Love and toxicity cannot exist in the same sentence. The toxic individual is never there "for you". S/he is only there (if you can even apply that word "there" to them) for him or herself.

    OP, it does take time to scrape off all the sludge after an experience which left you so bruised. It's a dark shadow which takes time to move away from behind your shoulder.

    Loneliness is a kicker, which is basically the difficulty and not "I hate being single". I echo the advice given to engage yourself in activities, and in passing work on improving the radar so that you can immediately spot toxicity on the horizon.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not really one for prescriptions, for giving timelines: six months, one year, and so on. Reminds me of my friends who are heavy drinkers, and do a sober January before resuming their drinking habit on Feb 1. Seems more like a way to self-enable the behavior they don't like about themselves than to approach that behavior in a more holistic way that allows them to live, year-round, in a way that feels more authentic.

    So, back to you. I think one of the greatest thing a person can learn to do is to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings, and just sit with them without reacting to them. You say you're okay most nightsówell, great. You sit in that. And on the nights you're less than okay, thinking about sex and love? Cool, sit in that too. No judgement, just observation: a feeling you're feeling, for a spell, that will pass. When you can do that? You kind of train yourself to be less influenced by highs and lows, less pressed for answers and more comfortable with questions, and to inhabit yourself more fullyóand, in that, you may find that you become someone more ready for romance, be it of the casual or serious variety.

    And perhaps in the vein of Rose's excellent post, you can also work on channeling those uncomfortable feelings elsewhere, into something (charity work, a hobby, whatever) that is not sex/romance/love/attention specific. It'll feel awkward at first, just as it feels awkward to force yourself to do sit-ups when you just want to sit on the couch. But that awkwardness fades pretty quick. Sit-ups don't take too much time, after all, and it feels a lot better to sit on the couch after doing them.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    easy, you keep busy, and enjoy life!

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