I regret breaking up and can't stop the self hate now

Hi all,

first of all, I wasn't sure what appropriate place to post this. Is it here, "Getting back together" or "Breaking up advice"? Spare me if I'm wrong.

A bit of backstory/explanation first: for some reason I've had mental health issues since I was a kid. Can't remember a time when I wasn't nervous/anxious about something. Perhaps it's me, genetics, the way I was raised, I don't know. I always manage to find a thing to occupy my mind, something to worry about. I went through some traumatic events: being bullied, best friend's suicide, really nasty parents' divorce that's still making my life hell (due to their awful, childish behaviour).

What has really made me down those days (last year actually) is my fault and I cannot recover from it, cannot stop the self-hate and self-pity.

Last year I was an exchange student in a foregin country. It was all fince, I was having a decent time, with few ups and downs, just life in general, a pleasant one. Last month of the exchange I met this girl, let's call her T. We immediately hit it of. Despite being with quite some women before, this was different. It was so smooth, pure, whole different experience. The time we spent together was splening, I was high on life (never imagined this can happen, that you can be so happy). She was local and unfortunately didn't reside in the city of my exchange, so we managed to spend together just about a week in total (three visits of each other).

After leaving the country she was devastated since I was immediately moving to enother country for an internship. She wanted to keep the "relationship", she was trying really hard, trying to show me how much she cares and convince me to keep it. At the time I rejected her and told her I don't see a way to continue this (I felt like "grass is greener on the other side" and wanted to be with more different women, besides that I very much suffer from the fear of commitment). If it wasn't for the long distance I would definietly continue on seeing her and building what we had. But dumb me at the time was afraid I'd miss out too much, if I continued with long distance.

Not long after I started to feel lonely and reached out to her again, without much success. I realise my messages were desperate and toxic for her. A year has passed since I told her to stop it and probably not a single day has passed without me thinking of her. She was exactly what I want in woman: very beautiful, smart, humorous, generous, sweet, with big heart, heck she was even awesome in bed. We had similar interests and taste in music.

I was doing okay, feeling a little regret, until last week I had a dream of her. It messed up with my mind badly. I feel like I fell into this deep hole and all I can see is she and how I hurt her. I tried contacting her and apologizing properly, hoping to hear from her, but with no success. She didn't respond. From checking out her social media it looks like she's doing fine. I understand that I'm just a pathetic "ex" for her now.

I am not sure how to proceed with my life. I'm deeply depressed, trapped into self-hate, guilt and pity. I genuinely beleive that I will never meet someone so amazing again. She even told me she though I was "the one" for her (I never beleived much in such things, but this still left a deep scar in my mind). Perhaps I'll meet someone I'll enjoy spending my time with, but it won't be the same. Noone has ever even looked at me the same way.

I've been with some other women since then, which made me temporarily happy, but at the end I always come back to T, can't get her out of my mind. I feel like I have to push through every day.Whenever I go through a challenging situation I think of her and it makes me feel even worse. It's been a year, a year full of regret. I know it's my fault and I asked for this, which is making so much worse.

Tell me that I'm wrong, that I'll be fine. Tell me what to do to fix this. I can't go through this much longer, I felt suicidal before, now I'm contemplating it again.

Sorry if the post is all messed up, it's reflection of my twisted mind.

Sorry to hear that. This is not about her, it's about getting better treatment and support for your mental health. Start there. Call a suicide or mental health line to talk to someone.

Sorry to hear that. This is not about her, it's about getting better treatment and support for your mental health. Start there. Call a suicide or mental health line to talk to someone.

I am not that close to it, I just sympathise with the idea. It seems like an easy way to end misery.

Yeah you need professional help before getting into any relationship. Get your own house in order first and then the good times will follow.

It won't be easy and it will take time but it will be worth it.

I forgot to mention, right after I saw a therapist and was feeling better for some time, but sadly I don't have an acces anymore, perhaps in a couple of months, since I'm moving soon.

I forgot to mention, right after I saw a therapist and was feeling better for some time, but sadly I don't have an acces anymore, perhaps in a couple of months, since I'm moving soon.

Maybe you always reflect back to T, because it really is as simple as you have not found anyone else. So when you find yourself alone, your thoughts go back to..... there is a place in your life that you'd like to share. and that is something everyone seeks. You can and will meet someone else. Someone better.

So on to your mental health & therapy.... its not enough sometimes to go once. Its kinda like bathing... you have to keep doing it for it to be effective.

See if you can find some resources, even books that sound good to you.

The thing is, sometimes we have too much time to think. And of course, real issues need real doctors.

But! There are things you can do to support yourself. Healthy habits, engaging your mind in worthwhile endeavors, actively working to control your thoughts and bringing those thoughts back to positive ones...

You obviously have the internet, which connects you to more information than any other time in modern history. Look into self love books, meditation, healthy diet... anything that piques your interests.

There were three visits and a handful of times you saw each other. Slow down a little and let's talk through this.

When someone special comes into our life there's an undeniable print left behind. It's a mix of all the emotions and associations with this person that leave a lasting memory. You will continue to have memories like this with people throughout your life. If you're a bit younger the experience may seem otherworldly and difficult to navigate and confusing. Just take things in stride if you can and hold still on the extremes.

If you have a history of suicidal thoughts, start looking for local resources now in your town or community or city. There are good people who want to share those resources with you and you don't have to keep silent. The trick is to deal with those destructive thoughts and not look for more sources to self-destruct. In other words, try to divert your thoughts away from this person and start taking better care of your mental health. The answers are not with this person, T. It's with you and how you manage your thoughts.

I recently went into check out a local community or shelter and wanted to help out and was given a lot of info and readings also. This surprised me because I was planning to help the community but someone reached out to me and took it upon themselves to help me too although I didn't ask for it. The resources were very thoughtful and although I haven't yet gone through them, I know they're there, sitting like arsenals that I can use in times of reflection. If you are in a new city, start finding constructive and helpful ways to connect with people in tangible ways. Bring yourself back into reality and check into what's going on in the new city. I think you could be isolated and feeling down about all these new changes and struggling to find meaning in a new or meaningless place. Bring meaning back to where you are. It'll help give you other perspectives and lenses from which to view the world and your new place.

Leave the romance out of the picture for the time being and try and get settled where you are. It's natural to want to revert back to the people with whom there were once positive associations. It may not be appropriate though given the circumstances. Bring yourself up to date. Start checking out your new town or city. Make new friends. Your goal was to complete an internship. Do you have a good idea of what they're expecting of you on the job? Chat with your colleagues and plug yourself into what's going on in the industry. Make the most of this internship.

While I agree with what the others have said, I also think you need to do two things:

1.) Tell her you were wrong and that you feel she's "the one" and so on. Then at least you've told her everything and if she still doesn't respond then it really is time to close that door forever.

2.) Stop sleeping with randoms, it will end up making you feel worse and worse as you will not only be a sleep around (and no one wants that) but you will notice even more how it's all empty and slightly depressing having 2 people who don't give a toss about one another just using each other's bodies.

Stay in your own and in your own bed until you are well enough to date properly again. Hopefully after you get some therapy and have completely resolved the situation with this woman, you can move on, one way or the other.

Try looking into online therapists. I do believe there are quite a bit available right now for online sessions, and as well ask your doctor for an antidepressant. If you get one that works well for you, it can help a lot.

For what it's worth, I think that you acted correctly and perfectly rationally back then. You had just met and there wasn't enough there after just a few meets to try to carry things on into an instant LDR relationship. You were in a transitional stage of life and it was very much rational to leave this fling behind you. Yes it was a fling. As any fling - it was hot, heady, exciting and also short lived and that's why it's so easy to idolize her now.

That's exactly what you are doing - idolizing in hindsight. The reality is, OP, that she is just human and flawed just like everyone else. During that brief time, you just saw the shiny bits - fun, chemistry, excitement, etc. If you had actually dated for real....you'd have seen the not so pretty parts, the human parts - mood swings, arguments, annoying habits, imperfections, differences of opinion about things, etc. It's easy to fantasize about a person when you didn't see their humanity, but also it's not something you should indulge in as it is kind of self destructive to you.

When you feel down, it's really very normal for your brain to reach back to memories of good times. Just don't go overboard and paint it as more than what it was - a fun time, a fun memory, a feel good rather than a feel bad. A fun fling, not some grand romance. In other words, put your feet back on the ground - she wasn't that special and yes, plenty more other women out there who are not only similar but better.

If you tend to get into these kind of almost obsessive type negative thought patterns where you go back and put yourself down over normal, rational decisions....you might want to give cognitive behavioral therapy a very serious try. Find a specialist and give it a go. It's not easy to change your thought patterns, but you seem to be quite rational and intelligent at your core, so it might be very helpful to you if you are willing to persevere and do the work. Improve the quality of your life permanently so that you can be happy and find a fulfilling relationship, flaws and all, instead of getting stuck idolizing a long ago fling.

I think we tend to trip up when we end a relationship for all the right reasons and the pain is very similar to the one having been left.

There are those times that the best choices causes us a great deal discomfort. Don't let that fool you into running back or second guessing yourself.

Times like these I ask myself some tough questions. Similar to your case when I ended a relationship and felt gutted at the same time. When tempted to call him, I'd ask myself if it was a good idea or did I merely just want to stop the pain. It was the later of the two and I recognized I just had to sit in the middle of the discomfort of my well thought out decison and ride it out.

Taking into consideration everything you have shared, this has very little to do with her and alot to do with some challenging work you need to do on yourself. I help you have the support you need. . . And it's not her.

Relations can be challenging and complex. But if you work on a good foundation and balance within yourself, endings won't rock you to this degree.

You can and will get through this. so first off, know that!

 

Maybe you always reflect back to T, because it really is as simple as you have not found anyone else. So when you find yourself alone, your thoughts go back to..... there is a place in your life that you'd like to share. and that is something everyone seeks. You can and will meet someone else. Someone better.

 

So on to your mental health & therapy.... its not enough sometimes to go once. Its kinda like bathing... you have to keep doing it for it to be effective.

 

See if you can find some resources, even books that sound good to you.

 

The thing is, sometimes we have too much time to think. And of course, real issues need real doctors.

 

But! There are things you can do to support yourself. Healthy habits, engaging your mind in worthwhile endeavors, actively working to control your thoughts and bringing those thoughts back to positive ones...

 

You obviously have the internet, which connects you to more information than any other time in modern history. Look into self love books, meditation, healthy diet... anything that piques your interests.

Thank you. It's good to read something positive. I have actually attended a couple of sessions. All the time that I had a therapist available. It really did a change and I hope I manage to attend again. I am moving soon, to Germany to be precise, hopefully their mental health services are more availabe than in my country.

I am trying to do some productive things, learning a language, reading a book, gym, but nothing feels natural, seems like I have to push myself hard to start with the activity. Can you perhaps recommend some self help books? I'm really not skilled on the topic.

There were three visits and a handful of times you saw each other. Slow down a little and let's talk through this.

 

When someone special comes into our life there's an undeniable print left behind. It's a mix of all the emotions and associations with this person that leave a lasting memory. You will continue to have memories like this with people throughout your life. If you're a bit younger the experience may seem otherworldly and difficult to navigate and confusing. Just take things in stride if you can and hold still on the extremes.

 

If you have a history of suicidal thoughts, start looking for local resources now in your town or community or city. There are good people who want to share those resources with you and you don't have to keep silent. The trick is to deal with those destructive thoughts and not look for more sources to self-destruct. In other words, try to divert your thoughts away from this person and start taking better care of your mental health. The answers are not with this person, T. It's with you and how you manage your thoughts.

 

I recently went into check out a local community or shelter and wanted to help out and was given a lot of info and readings also. This surprised me because I was planning to help the community but someone reached out to me and took it upon themselves to help me too although I didn't ask for it. The resources were very thoughtful and although I haven't yet gone through them, I know they're there, sitting like arsenals that I can use in times of reflection. If you are in a new city, start finding constructive and helpful ways to connect with people in tangible ways. Bring yourself back into reality and check into what's going on in the new city. I think you could be isolated and feeling down about all these new changes and struggling to find meaning in a new or meaningless place. Bring meaning back to where you are. It'll help give you other perspectives and lenses from which to view the world and your new place.

 

Leave the romance out of the picture for the time being and try and get settled where you are. It's natural to want to revert back to the people with whom there were once positive associations. It may not be appropriate though given the circumstances. Bring yourself up to date. Start checking out your new town or city. Make new friends. Your goal was to complete an internship. Do you have a good idea of what they're expecting of you on the job? Chat with your colleagues and plug yourself into what's going on in the industry. Make the most of this internship.

Thank you, I sincerely appreciate it. Perhaps I wasn't very clear at my original post. I am done with internship already, but I'm moving to another country soon to start PhD and I'm hoping for a fresh start. New environment, new place and people, some excitement. First time living fully independent life (at 24, but still earlier than most people in my country). To be specific, Berlin. It's a big city, I shouldn't struggle to find some like-minded people, I hope. Once before moving helped me get back on my feet after being severly down.

Thank you. It's good to read something positive. I have actually attended a couple of sessions. All the time that I had a therapist available. It really did a change and I hope I manage to attend again. I am moving soon, to Germany to be precise, hopefully their mental health services are more availabe than in my country.

I am trying to do some productive things, learning a language, reading a book, gym, but nothing feels natural, seems like I have to push myself hard to start with the activity. Can you perhaps recommend some self help books? I'm really not skilled on the topic.

You know it's not supposed to feel natural until you really get into it and it becomes a habit. Pushing through the blah feeling is the hardest part and why so many people fail at so many things. Yes, you actually have to kind of force it, use your willpower to power through until it starts to get a little easier, feel more natural, until one day you realize that you are actually craving your missed workout or feel excited to read another book, etc.

Thank you, I sincerely appreciate it. Perhaps I wasn't very clear at my original post. I am done with internship already, but I'm moving to another country soon to start PhD and I'm hoping for a fresh start. New environment, new place and people, some excitement. First time living fully independent life (at 24, but still earlier than most people in my country). To be specific, Berlin. It's a big city, I shouldn't struggle to find some like-minded people, I hope. Once before moving helped me get back on my feet after being severly down.

Congrats on getting in the phD program and enjoy!

I agree - find like-minded people. I hope you're able to find peace most of all, not just excitement or thrill of the moment to distract the pain. Find joy in what you're doing and peace.

While I agree with what the others have said, I also think you need to do two things:

 

1.) Tell her you were wrong and that you feel she's "the one" and so on. Then at least you've told her everything and if she still doesn't respond then it really is time to close that door forever.

 

2.) Stop sleeping with randoms, it will end up making you feel worse and worse as you will not only be a sleep around (and no one wants that) but you will notice even more how it's all empty and slightly depressing having 2 people who don't give a toss about one another just using each other's bodies.

 

Stay in your own and in your own bed until you are well enough to date properly again. Hopefully after you get some therapy and have completely resolved the situation with this woman, you can move on, one way or the other.

Thank you for the reply!

1.) I texted her, not saying she's "the one" tho, because I thought that'd be too much. After all, I am not sure what would happen if we'd date for longer time. I can't promise her eternity. Doing this and then breaking up in the future (maybe, who knows?) would be another huge hit for her to take. I feel like can't do this to her again. I told her I'm sincerely sorry and indicated that I want to get in touch again.

My parents were together for more than 30 years and then divorced. Somehow I can't get over how nasty things became between them: hate, lies, cheating, abuse, etc. My sister suffered a lot of due to their behaviour. This makes me think, how can I have trust in a relationship, seeing hat happened to them?

2.) As I said, I wasn't popular child and was bullied as well. Sleeping with randoms is sometimes not about sex, but boosting my self-worth, sadly. Through years, I grew up into a quality man, I believe, if I substract my mental health issues. Yet, I still fail to be confident and beat my own mind.

You'll do fine. This is a positive mindset and you have solid goals.

I'm moving to another country soon to start PhD and I'm hoping for a fresh start. New environment, new place and people, some excitement. Berlin. It's a big city, I shouldn't struggle to find some like-minded people, I hope.

For what it's worth, I think that you acted correctly and perfectly rationally back then. You had just met and there wasn't enough there after just a few meets to try to carry things on into an instant LDR relationship. You were in a transitional stage of life and it was very much rational to leave this fling behind you. Yes it was a fling. As any fling - it was hot, heady, exciting and also short lived and that's why it's so easy to idolize her now.

 

That's exactly what you are doing - idolizing in hindsight. The reality is, OP, that she is just human and flawed just like everyone else. During that brief time, you just saw the shiny bits - fun, chemistry, excitement, etc. If you had actually dated for real....you'd have seen the not so pretty parts, the human parts - mood swings, arguments, annoying habits, imperfections, differences of opinion about things, etc. It's easy to fantasize about a person when you didn't see their humanity, but also it's not something you should indulge in as it is kind of self destructive to you.

 

When you feel down, it's really very normal for your brain to reach back to memories of good times. Just don't go overboard and paint it as more than what it was - a fun time, a fun memory, a feel good rather than a feel bad. A fun fling, not some grand romance. In other words, put your feet back on the ground - she wasn't that special and yes, plenty more other women out there who are not only similar but better.

 

If you tend to get into these kind of almost obsessive type negative thought patterns where you go back and put yourself down over normal, rational decisions....you might want to give cognitive behavioral therapy a very serious try. Find a specialist and give it a go. It's not easy to change your thought patterns, but you seem to be quite rational and intelligent at your core, so it might be very helpful to you if you are willing to persevere and do the work. Improve the quality of your life permanently so that you can be happy and find a fulfilling relationship, flaws and all, instead of getting stuck idolizing a long ago fling.

Thanks you very much! That was my thought at the time as well. I couldn't start LDR after such a short time. But I can't seem to get that thought into my mind again. Now I'm just thinking about it as wrong. Perhaps we'd struggle with relationship, if we agreed to it. There were some flaws that she had as well, but I fail to look at them now.

Since I'm moving to a new city very soon I want to make a fresh start. I just need to learn how to get there positive about new experience and not make myself feel down at every obstacle I face (I happen to do this a lot).

I think we tend to trip up when we end a relationship for all the right reasons and the pain is very similar to the one having been left.

 

There are those times that the best choices causes us a great deal discomfort. Don't let that fool you into running back or second guessing yourself.

 

Times like these I ask myself some tough questions. Similar to your case when I ended a relationship and felt gutted at the same time. When tempted to call him, I'd ask myself if it was a good idea or did I merely just want to stop the pain. It was the later of the two and I recognized I just had to sit in the middle of the discomfort of my well thought out decison and ride it out.

 

Taking into consideration everything you have shared, this has very little to do with her and alot to do with some challenging work you need to do on yourself. I help you have the support you need. . . And it's not her.

 

Relations can be challenging and complex. But if you work on a good foundation and balance within yourself, endings won't rock you to this degree.

Thank you very much. Yeah, you are very much right. Perhaps is about stopping the pain, yet I still realise she's anmazing woman and that saddens me. As I said, if it wasn't for the distance, I'd stick to it for sure. I also tend to be picky with relationships, not (just) looks, but more how compatible I am with another person. I know pleanty of people that date their bf/gf just because they want someone. I can't do that. I am afraid it's gonna take a very long time till I find someone special again. In the meanwhile I'm afraid I'll drown in my own misery.

You know it's not supposed to feel natural until you really get into it and it becomes a habit. Pushing through the blah feeling is the hardest part and why so many people fail at so many things. Yes, you actually have to kind of force it, use your will-power to power through until it starts to get a little easier, feel more natural, until one day you realize that you are actually craving your missed workout or feel excited to read another book, etc.

I know, but sometimes I see other people and they tend to be productive just by themselves, seems like thay didn't struggle at all with getting where they are. Perhaps I'm wrong, but some people have it easier.

I have many friends that seem to be perfectly happy with their lives and don't care about a thing. Don't want to sound wrong, but sometimes I wish I could be this ignorant.

Congrats on getting in the phD program and enjoy!

 

I agree - find like-minded people. I hope you're able to find peace most of all, not just excitement or thrill of the moment to distract the pain. Find joy in what you're doing and peace.

Thank you! I am still not sure if PhD is what I want, but I feel like I have to give it a chance, otherwise I might regret it.

Thanks you very much! That was my thought at the time as well. I couldn't start LDR after such a short time. But I can't seem to get that thought into my mind again. Now I'm just thinking about it as wrong. Perhaps we'd struggle with relationship, if we agreed to it. There were some flaws that she had as well, but I fail to look at them now.

Since I'm moving to a new city very soon I want to make a fresh start. I just need to learn how to get there positive about new experience and not make myself feel down at every obstacle I face (I happen to do this a lot).

Yes, I kind of got the impression that you tend to feel down and put yourself down a lot. Thing is that this is habitual thinking and habits can be changed. Not easy, but totally doable. So I'll just urge you again to check out cognitive behavioral therapy - it's basically exactly that, getting sort of coached through changing your thinking habits for the better. It's basically rewiring your brain into healthier thought patterns and habits.

Yes, I kind of got the impression that you tend to feel down and put yourself down a lot. Thing is that this is habitual thinking and habits can be changed. Not easy, but totally doable. So I'll just urge you again to check out cognitive behavioral therapy - it's basically exactly that, getting sort of coached through changing your thinking habits for the better. It's basically rewiring your brain into healthier thought patterns and habits.

When I get settled in the new city I will definitely try to get it. In the meanwhile, is there something you can recommed as self-help? Book, movie, exercise?

I am afraid it's gonna take a very long time till I find someone special again. In the meanwhile I'm afraid I'll drown in my own misery.

If you choose to look at it that way, then you are probably bound to miserable.

There is an amazing life inbetween the two if you choose to cultivate one. Just because you aren't coupled up doesn't mean you should be in misery. Unless you don't like your own company very much . . . something to think about.

It's best advised to not date until you spend some time exploring why you think your life is over if you don't have a partner.

You say you are choosy, but if you date with your current mindset you are more inclined to not make good choices. It's kinda contrictory. People who are choosy typically know their their worth.

Thank you! I am still not sure if PhD is what I want, but I feel like I have to give it a chance, otherwise I might regret it.

This seems a bit off track but what's going on with the phD choice? Do you mind me asking? It may be adding to feelings of being lost or not sure where to turn to, turning to people and interactions or romance instead of staying on course or committed to your reasons for moving to Berlin in the first place. The phD path may not be something you're certain about just yet but are you willing to deepen that experience and explore how it can be more valuable to you? Instead of taking the curriculum for what it is for example are there ways for you to apply the original interest in the topic/s to real life outside of academia?

When I've felt lost or disoriented, I've usually tried to come back to my original reasons in the first place, testing the rationale against the emotions. If there are inconsistencies, I work them out personally/internally. I keep doing this until the reasons are straightened out and I remain focused in what I set out to do. It doesn't always work - life can be unpredictable and other opportunities show themselves. I think we need to be fluid and flexible especially in the world we live in today. Being rigid or determined is no longer enough but it does help to revisit or keep checking in with your original plans and decisions or rationale.

People and places constantly change. This is a byproduct of living. Change is ever-present. How do you remain consistent in how you see yourself even if you are evolving? Having interests, to me, is one of those unfailing ways of reconnecting back with ideas of yourself in relation to the rest of the world. Stay connected to yourself while you stay connected to your city or community or studies, whatever you have in front or around you.