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Thread: Gf taking a gift (something she gave me) without my knowledge

  1. #21

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    She thinks you're attacking her because you are attacking her.
    Okay. Can you elaborate? I'm happy to hear alternative views.

  2. #22

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    she cannot handle criticism of any kind My first husband was defensive about things that other people would never take offense to, and I believe it was because he suffered from depression. When he got on antidepressants and went to a psychiatrist for several years, his behavior improved exponentially, but then he decided to stop all that and got even worse, which ended in me asking for a divorce.

    I'm assuming she's not seeking help for her issues, and even if she did, there's no guarantee she'd stick to therapy. Loving someone isn't enough to retain a happy relationship if you're regularly upset about a partner's behavior. When the bad outweighs the good, it's best to bail so you can eventually find someone who knows how to communicate properly in a partnership.
    Yeah, we've spoken about "how do I criticize you without triggering you" and, as I've said, it's hard to see how this could be realistically achieved. There has to be some latitude to at least accommodate some. Will be almost impossible in practice never to say "could you not put that there" "do you think you could do that this way" at least once. So yeah, probably not going to work.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You two need to end things. You both sound too immature to make a relationship work properly.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are both over-reactive about certain things. Given the long distance, imo this relationship dynamic cannot survive. Given that it was a book that SHE had gifted to you, carrying on about it at such length sounds petty imo. Yes, she should have told you. However, if she is as avoidant and if you are as fussy as this post sounds, it's no wonder that she didn't. Imo, the most you can infer from this incident is that if you two broke up, she would attempt to get back the things that SHE gifted you/brought into your relationship one way or the other and that she hates confrontation enough to do it behind your back. The bottom line is that your relationship dynamic sounds wrong for BOTH of you. You can't stand her avoidance and she can't stand your nitpicking. If this incident "says a lot about a person's character" (imo this sounds over critical), then you are with the wrong person and so is she. It's that simple. Her avoidance coupled with your nitpicking make a miserable and energy draining combination for both of you.

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  6. #25
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    It appears that the book and your respective reactions to this incident are just manifestations of the bigger problems in your relationship.

    It's better that it's over now. You two don't sound compatible on a number of levels - conflict resolution being a big one. You're both irritated and resentful of each other and it sounds like perhaps, on some level, each of you wanted out of this relationship. The book was the exit hatch.

    Furthermore, if she truly suffers from PTSD, she needs professional help.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That's like asking how can I beat you up physically without leaving bruises?

    You seem very eager to drag out arguments and find fault..

    Originally Posted by vertical
    Yeah, we've spoken about "how do I criticize you without triggering you".

  8. #27
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    That's like asking how can I beat you up physically without leaving bruises?

    You seem very eager to drag out arguments and find fault..
    I agree. OP, it's clear you two are incompatible and poles apart. Time to let this go and move on.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If you two spend your time fighting over books or who is at fault, then it's more than clear you're making each other miserable and there's no point in remaining in each other's lives.

    It sounds petty on both your parts. Dating is supposed to be fun and a happy thing. What two you have sounds miserable.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by vertical
    It's not the books themselves. I told her she can keep them or give them to me next time she sees me - either way works. It's the fact she took them sneakily and didn't own up to it/hoped I'd wouldn't notice. That's the part that doesn't sit right with me. Things are things. They can always be replaced.

    There's also the wider issue, as I said, that she got really really distressed when I kept talking about it. I think for her, for a lot of things, saying "I'm sorry" is a closing argument. She doesn't see that sometimes people might need clarification beyond that, or reassurances in the future. When I put this to her later she was actually fine about it. Just whenever she gets criticised it seems to trigger back memories of her father and she thinks she's being hurt.

    Not sure if we can resolve at this point. Probably going to be friends, by the looks of it.
    That's an awful lot of you projecting intentions to her. The truth is that you don't know why she did what she did and what her reasoning actually was. You are simply assuming and projecting the worst, which actually says more about you than her. Instead of asking, you are busy jumping on her with your feelings which are negative projections....which is why she feels attacked.

    OP, with a normally functioning couple, this wouldn't even be an argument and go as follows:

    BF: Hey I can't find x book you gave me.....
    GF: Oh, I have it.
    BF: I see, do you mind sending it to me, I really want to read it and was losing my mind looking for it
    GF: Oh sorry, I should have told you I took it, will send it over asap.
    BF: Oh well if you are still reading it, keep it until you are done now that I know where it is, it's fine
    GF: Oh no I'll send it, I don't need to keep it, sorry I should have told you I took it.

    You see OP, people will apologize when you don't accuse them of nefarious intentions and simply correct the issue of their own free will. Unfortunately, I get the impression that you are way too negatively emotionally charged for that and too quick to jump on the person in a punitive manner even if you don't think you are doing it.

    Some food for thought for you.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by vertical
    It's not the books themselves. I told her she can keep them or give them to me next time she sees me - either way works. It's the fact she took them sneakily and didn't own up to it/hoped I'd wouldn't notice. That's the part that doesn't sit right with me. Things are things. They can always be replaced.

    There's also the wider issue, as I said, that she got really really distressed when I kept talking about it. I think for her, for a lot of things, saying "I'm sorry" is a closing argument. She doesn't see that sometimes people might need clarification beyond that, or reassurances in the future. When I put this to her later she was actually fine about it. Just whenever she gets criticised it seems to trigger back memories of her father and she thinks she's being hurt.

    Not sure if we can resolve at this point. Probably going to be friends, by the looks of it.
    This is tough because it sounds like the trust was broken in that one instance. Were there other issues of trust in the relationship? I can understand if this upset you but to be this distrustful of a person after one incident only is a bit alarming. Distrust tends to build over time gradually, not shoot up like this over the case of a book exchange. It seems a bit disproportionate considering the one instance only. I don't know if the both of you consistently have arguments.

    Learning to fight fair is one of those things that are so very rarely mastered! Just as in everything, there is a give and take. She said she was sorry but I'd also look into why this wasn't enough for you and how is the trust so broken for you that you are calling into question her entire character so that she needs to reassure you that things like that won't happen again? I don't have a trusting nature either. I get it. People do wrong and a lot of people are selfish, sly and conniving. I may not show that I see it but I see it very clearly. There's also a group in the population that aren't like that who are open, honest and giving. If you don't sense mutual trust in the relationship, I can see where you're constantly feeling like you have to watch your back. This person may not be showing you the level of care that you need in a relationship and it may be very one-sided.

    I'd take this as a lesson learned and take time to get to know someone and experience whether there's that same level of care and consideration. Not everyone will think exactly like you or say the words you want to hear. Some are not even capable of saying them when they know they ought to say it. This comes with the dating and relationships territory.

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