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Thread: Gf taking a gift (something she gave me) without my knowledge

  1. #11
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    Can you ask for the book back? If she knows she is in the wrong surely she would send it back.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, it's petty in the larger scheme of things but it's even more silly to take someone's belongings without mentioning it to them first.

    Since this has happened already you can choose to get your book and the trust in your relationship back or continue to be upset over it but the air isn't cleared and you don't end up communicating that you still want your book. My take is, yes, she was rude and childish for not telling you or being more upfront about it. Yes, this is a red flag and no, you shouldn't ignore it. Maybe it's a better idea to be ordering and buying your own books and not borrow each others' things so often. It doesn't sound like you know each other very well.

    I'm also not sure why you're both so elbow deep in the book exchange when the relationship was tense to begin with. This seems like a very strange way to have a hold on each other. You shouldn't have borrowed her book either, imo.

    My suggestion:

    Slow down on any accusations for the time being. Don't blow up about the book or have a fight ensue over it. You can politely ask for the book back as you're interested in reading or referring to it. See what she says.

    Also slow down on the back and forth book exchanges and work on getting the relationship back on track, build more trust. Communicate better.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like the LDR and covid is taking it's toll on both of you. The book thing is a symptom, not the problem.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Yes, it's petty in the larger scheme of things but it's even more silly to take someone's belongings without mentioning it to them first.

    Since this has happened already you can choose to get your book and the trust in your relationship back or continue to be upset over it but the air isn't cleared and you don't end up communicating that you still want your book. My take is, yes, she was rude and childish for not telling you or being more upfront about it. Yes, this is a red flag and no, you shouldn't ignore it. Maybe it's a better idea to be ordering and buying your own books and not borrow each others' things so often. It doesn't sound like you know each other very well.

    I'm also not sure why you're both so elbow deep in the book exchange when the relationship was tense to begin with. This seems like a very strange way to have a hold on each other. You shouldn't have borrowed her book either, imo.

    My suggestion:

    Slow down on any accusations for the time being. Don't blow up about the book or have a fight ensue over it. You can politely ask for the book back as you're interested in reading or referring to it. See what she says.

    Good reply, thanks. Basically, the issue is not the book per se. It's just a trust issue really. I don't want to be in a situation where, years down the line, stuff of mine goes missing because it's 'technically hers'. As I said over the phone, this is how people end up in small claims court post divorce. If she wants anything of mine she's given to me, I'm happy to give it back. It's just an honesty/trust thing.

    However, the wider issue is that she is cannot handle criticism of any kind. She admitted to me on the phone that her PTSD means she feels she's being attacked whenever we have an argument (for the record, I don't swear and don't believe in name-calling. I don't raise my voice). She believes this is due to her poor parenting. We've both basically agreed to call it a day over this. I'd just be interested, for some perspective, how anyone has dealt with a partner like this.

    For me, it just isn't feasible to be in a situation where I can never take issue with a partner. As long as it's done amicably, as I see it, it shouldn't be a problem. I'm just wondering if anyone has managed to deal with a situation like this. As I say, I can't really conceive of it myself. I would feel like I was around a sick person all the time - unable to answer back even if they're being unreasonable. So yes, just curious for any input on that one. :)

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  6. #15
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    But wasn’t it also was unreasonable to push into loaning you a book when you were on the verge of break up? Why not just buy your own copy of the book?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Learn not to be so critical if you want a peaceful relationship in the future. It's not your job to fix, change, teach anyone or keep drilling your point into their heads

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by vertical
    For me, it just isn't feasible to be in a situation where I can never take issue with a partner. As long as it's done amicably, as I see it, it shouldn't be a problem. I'm just wondering if anyone has managed to deal with a situation like this. As I say, I can't really conceive of it myself. I would feel like I was around a sick person all the time - unable to answer back even if they're being unreasonable. So yes, just curious for any input on that one. :)
    It's in the delivery and it depends on the people involved and whether there's a deeper commitment or whether there are other issues outside of this something-sort-of-mental-health-issue you're raising.

    In general what you're asking is a very broad question. I think discussing small claims court post divorce or bringing that up in relation to a book exchange is a little harsh and can come across as seriously PO'd which I understand you are but that might raise more red flags for me than dealing with someone with PTSD. She may have her issues but you seem to be very possessive about your material possessions also and I'm sensing there are elements to that. I'm not sure if you want to explain more or explore those intense emotions. Not everyone will feel the same about their things. There are always two sides, if you know what I mean. Do you feel like some of your things, especially books, are very near and dear to your heart? If so, it may be more about finding someone more on your wavelength who treats books, for example, in the same way. You mentioned it was a rare book so there's some indication that it's higher in value whether monetarily or in the scholarly sense than an ordinary paperback off of Amazon, let's say. Do you also mind me asking if there are cultural differences? I ask because attitudes towards things can sometimes be a cultural difference, more than individual differences or character flaws.

    I'm not sure I caught that - did you say that you both agreed to end the relationship? Ie. "call it a day"

    If you both have ended the relationship, I suppose there's nothing more to say to each other. Did you ask for your book back or is this a write off?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    she cannot handle criticism of any kind My first husband was defensive about things that other people would never take offense to, and I believe it was because he suffered from depression. When he got on antidepressants and went to a psychiatrist for several years, his behavior improved exponentially, but then he decided to stop all that and got even worse, which ended in me asking for a divorce.

    I'm assuming she's not seeking help for her issues, and even if she did, there's no guarantee she'd stick to therapy. Loving someone isn't enough to retain a happy relationship if you're regularly upset about a partner's behavior. When the bad outweighs the good, it's best to bail so you can eventually find someone who knows how to communicate properly in a partnership.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She thinks you're attacking her because you are attacking her.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It's in the delivery and it depends on the people involved and whether there's a deeper commitment or whether there are other issues outside of this something-sort-of-mental-health-issue you're raising.

    In general what you're asking is a very broad question. I think discussing small claims court post divorce or bringing that up in relation to a book exchange is a little harsh and can come across as seriously PO'd which I understand you are but that might raise more red flags for me than dealing with someone with PTSD. She may have her issues but you seem to be very possessive about your material possessions also and I'm sensing there are elements to that. I'm not sure if you want to explain more or explore those intense emotions. Not everyone will feel the same about their things. There are always two sides, if you know what I mean. Do you feel like some of your things, especially books, are very near and dear to your heart? If so, it may be more about finding someone more on your wavelength who treats books, for example, in the same way. You mentioned it was a rare book so there's some indication that it's higher in value whether monetarily or in the scholarly sense than an ordinary paperback off of Amazon, let's say. Do you also mind me asking if there are cultural differences? I ask because attitudes towards things can sometimes be a cultural difference, more than individual differences or character flaws.

    I'm not sure I caught that - did you say that you both agreed to end the relationship? Ie. "call it a day"

    If you both have ended the relationship, I suppose there's nothing more to say to each other. Did you ask for your book back or is this a write off?
    It's not the books themselves. I told her she can keep them or give them to me next time she sees me - either way works. It's the fact she took them sneakily and didn't own up to it/hoped I'd wouldn't notice. That's the part that doesn't sit right with me. Things are things. They can always be replaced.

    There's also the wider issue, as I said, that she got really really distressed when I kept talking about it. I think for her, for a lot of things, saying "I'm sorry" is a closing argument. She doesn't see that sometimes people might need clarification beyond that, or reassurances in the future. When I put this to her later she was actually fine about it. Just whenever she gets criticised it seems to trigger back memories of her father and she thinks she's being hurt.

    Not sure if we can resolve at this point. Probably going to be friends, by the looks of it.

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