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Thread: Intimate Accident

  1. #1
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    Intimate Accident

    Hello,

    I've been with my partner for 2+ years now and it has been one of the best relationships I've ever been in - he's kind, respectful and working towards a future with me. On my end, this has now been my longest, most functional relationship and I'm quite happy normally.

    We had an incident a few nights ago that seems to have affected us both a lot and we're not quite sure how to get past it (besides maybe therapy). We had gone to our couple friends' home to have some drinks with them after dinner and decided to sleep over. We weren't particularly drunk, although we had had a few drinks each over the course of the night. I had told him earlier that day that I was on the last day of my cycle and so we could start having intercourse soon. Some backstory: I have been assaulted in the past (never by a partner), so I can feel triggered sometimes. My partner knows about this trauma vaguely and has never pushed any of my boundaries.

    Anyway, at bedtime we started fooling around a little (no intercourse). I was okay with it, although i said I felt uncomfortable doing anything more than that in our friend's guest bed. He was fine with that until a few minutes later when he went ahead anyway. I froze up and i think he sensed something was off so he stopped 2 minutes into it. He apologized and we cleaned up and went to bed.

    We were fine together the rest of the weekend, up until last night when I told him I had felt uncomfortable with what happened. He immediately drove over so we could talk it out and now feels terribly ashamed. I also feel a little off.

    We discussed that we still want to be together but he thinks he's a monster now. I'm worried I will start looking at him differently, or feel less emotionally safe with him. What can we do? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's not what "we" can do it's what you need to do...go seek therapy with an expert and discuss this with them. Your BF is in no position to handle this, nor is it fair. If he needs to get involved with your therapy that would be under the advisement of a professional. I feel your avoidance of seeking therapy is the starting point of why you find yourself in this position. We are not doctors, we are just strangers on the net, and not the best idea for this type of trauma you've had. I understand it costs money, etc. BUT even with a few sessions can help you go in the right direction in dealing with your emotions.

  3. #3
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    Oh I've already been to therapy for my own issues 10 years ago, and found it really helped. I had stopped going five years ago as I felt I was getting better but perhaps I should revisit that again.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pettypink
    Oh I've already been to therapy for my own issues 10 years ago, and found it really helped. I had stopped going five years ago as I felt I was getting better but perhaps I should revisit that again.
    Should see what advise they could give you in how to approach things with your BF. Poor guy sounds really confused.

    He seems to be a caring person, you two will get through this.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It doesn't seem like a big deal. You both got a little carried away, but then cleaned up your friends place. Doesn't seem like a game changer. Try not to drag your past into what is otherwise a decent relationship. It's up to you. You can beat him up over it or decide that it was a mistake getting carried away and move forward.
    Originally Posted by pettypink
    we started fooling around a little (no intercourse). He apologized and we cleaned up and went to bed.

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    He is really torn! I think we both will work towards moving on from this as you're right, it was a mistake and I dont want it to come between us.

    Thank you all!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You seem to have a lot of anxiety in general. This may or may not be related to the bedroom. Things will be ok if you want them to be. He sounds very committed to you but continuing to behave like you're broken will continue to also guilt him into treating you differently. Fix your brokenness or how you see yourself as a whole. This doesn't just have to be about what happened particularly.

    You're with a very caring person and you also seem the same. Don't overshare all your issues in the relationship. Good communication is key but if you do have past trauma you will need to help yourself or request for help. My hats off to you for going to therapy and finding what works for you.

    I also have to say I'm glad that you spoke out and are finding your voice. Find ways to communicate and voice what you like and don't like. Maybe surprises aren't your thing. What else do you like with sex? Talk about things you like doing together.

    Continue showering each other with lots of love and affirmation. Create positive spaces. These will turn into safe spaces also.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This is a tough thing because you both have this thing hanging in the air and don't really know how serious it is.

    If you both have openly talked about what happened then perhaps you need to try and get past it and then see how you both feel then. Don't pretend it didn't happen but see if normalcy helps alleviate some of he unknown. Have you been intimate since that night?

    I don't want to lesson what you went through all those years ago but sometimes we build things in our heads much larger than they actually are. He feels terrible and you feel somewhat off from all this but he has not blown your feelings off like you are overacting and drove straight over to talk in person so that is good right? He also stopped as soon as he realized you were uncomfortable.

    I am sure feels horrible and is looking to you for some clue that you do not hate him. I hope this all works out you and you both become even closer because of this.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with Smackie, this is not your boyfriends issue, this is yours.

    If you're feeling triggered, then it's time you go back to therapy and stop all intimacy until you can get back to a good place. On top of it, don't make you boyfriend feel guilty, he didn't do anything wrong.

    This is unhealed trauma that you need to fix.

    I hope you explain this to him as well, that he did nothing wrong and that you only just realized that you're not fully healed from the past and need more therapy with it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Going to go a bit against the grain here.

    It sounds to me like you were very clear about what you are and aren't willing to do that night and why. Unfortunately, your bf decided to disregard your clearly expressed boundaries and wish not to have sex in your friend's bed. That was completely obnoxious, disrespectful, and utterly selfish on his part.

    Acting all guilty and making himself out to be the victim you feel sorry for over this....that's more bs on his part. If he was more sincere and simply apologized and owned his behavior without the histrionics that he is a "monster" now, then I don't think you'd eve be here seeking advice because you would be able to forgive him and move on. I rather suspect that your gut is ringing alarm bells about his lack of sincerity and so.....here you are, talking to us and talking therapy for the both of you. As much as you mention how great he is and how this relationship is so functional, I very much doubt this is the first time he's shown to be selfish and disrespectful to you. Now if this truly is the first time ever, then you do need to have a very serious conversation with him about this and no bs letting him off the hook just because "I'm such a monster" lines. That's him being manipulative and evasive and it's not cool and shouldn't be acceptable to you.

    Ultimately, it doesn't matter how long you've dated, how things have been in the past - when someone shows you their colors, you have some hard decisions to make. In this situation, I think it's the other way around - your past trauma is making you doubt your judgment that what he tried is indeed totally wrong. Well he was wrong and that kind of a wrong is a bit of a tip of the ice berg type stuff. If he is selfish this way, he is selfish about other things too.

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