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I don't know what to do...


Nina89

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A few months ago my mom basically left my dad, sister, and myself. Although I am an adult it really messed me up. My depression and anxiety got so bad I had to quit my job because I was having brake downs on a weekly basis and couldn't handle the stress of work on top of what she did. I admit I became a little distant from my boyfriend who I had just moved in with. I am starting to come to terms with what she did, but my relationship with my boyfriend has completely changed. I don't know if it is because he became frustrated or what but he has become pretty mean. Add that to the fact that he was kind of controlling before and that also got worse...I am not sure it is a good idea to stay with him. Before the only thing he would do was threaten our relationship when things weren't his way, now he gets mad about almost everything. I want to sleep over at my families house and he tells me I have a responsibility to be home with him at night. I got very upset with that and he said he didn't mind if I spent time with my family, just not at night. Turns out that is not true because he gets mad when I go hang out with them in the day time too. There is always an excuse as to why he is mad about it. He also says and does mean things to me now and when I try to talk to him about it he just gets mad. The last time he even got meaner. He says he is just joking around but the things he does isn't right. He jokingly pretended he was going to hit me with a baking sheet, changing the look on his face to very p... off look. He jokingly said for me to shut up or he was going to punch me in the gut when I was trying to tell him I don't like when he is mean to me. How is that joking around? In what world is that supposed to be funny? And then today on my birthday he is trying to be nice and tell me how much he loves me. I don't know what to think...maybe it is my fault for pulling away that he is acting like this...maybe he is just young and that's how he is with his friends so he is trying to joke that way with me...although if that was the case why not stop when I say to stop...He did comfort me when I was upset about what happened with my mom. Am I over reacting...is it my fault...or are these warning signs. I keep telling myself he wont hurt me, but I don't know if I truly believe that...

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I’m a bit confused by your opening sentence stating that your mother left your dad , your sister and yourself?

 

You were not living at home when your mother left your dad.

Why are you viewing this as your mother abandoning you?

Has your mother stopped contact with you or vice versa?

 

Your reaction to events seem extreme.

Quitting your job because your parents marriage ended is not an outwardly normal response given the limited details you have provided?

 

Why couldn’t you have asked for some leave from work ?

And as an adult, having recently moved in with your bf ,you have responsibilities to pay rent , bills etc.

 

Are you asking your bf to pay your share? Can he afford to?

Is there undue pressure on him now? What if he finds it all too stressful and quits his job?

Then what?

 

Regardless if you leave him, you still are responsible to the agreed bills over a lease period.

 

Can you please clarify?

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I’m a bit confused by your opening sentence stating that your mother left your dad , your sister and yourself?

 

You were not living at home when your mother left your dad.

Why are you viewing this as your mother abandoning you?

Has your mother stopped contact with you or vice versa?

 

Your reaction to events seem extreme.

Quitting your job because your parents marriage ended is not an outwardly normal response given the limited details you have provided?

 

Why couldn’t you have asked for some leave from work ?

And as an adult, having recently moved in with your bf ,you have responsibilities to pay rent , bills etc.

 

Are you asking your bf to pay your share? Can he afford to?

Is there undue pressure on him now? What if he finds it all too stressful and quits his job?

Then what?

 

Regardless if you leave him, you still are responsible to the agreed bills over a lease period.

 

Can you please clarify?

 

 

She did not just leave, she did other stuff that hurt the whole family before she left. At the time I was still at home. I had moved out when she said she was leaving the state. There were also things going on at work that I could not handle on top of the family issues, like the fact I was sexually harassed and the company was doing nothing about it. I have always had bad mental health problems and this all made them become even worse. I know it may not seem extreme and I do not want to go into detail, but to me it was something i mentally could not handle. I know I am weak and he knew that from the very start.

Money is not a problem, we both had a lot saved and still do. He is also currently not working because he was a part time security at a theater and they are not open now. He is also in the army but that again is also part time and was put on hold because of this whole virus thing. I have been looking for work and plan to start again very soon. Him on the other hand has not put any effort into finding work at all.

Also with the lease, there are laws that allow anyone who is in an abusive relationship out of that lease to protect themselves. It is also up in September.

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You need to get out long before September just take your stuff and go to your dad’s and stay there. Or you tell your father you’re being abused and have your father come with you to pick your stuff up.

Sadly my mom left my dad homeless and he has been staying with family. I would hate to crowd the place even more than it already is...

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Sadly my mom left my dad homeless and he has been staying with family. I would hate to crowd the place even more than it already is...

 

You need to talk to your father about your boyfriend abusing you. Chickensh*t abusers get away with this stuff because no one talks about it. I bet you he wouldn’t talk about hitting you in front of your dad.

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You need to talk to your father about your boyfriend abusing you. Chickensh*t abusers get away with this stuff because no one talks about it. I bet you he wouldn’t talk about hitting you in front of your dad.

I have talked to my family a little, not about him pretending to hit me, but about the other stuff and they are not happy. They know I don't want to mess up my rental history or his army job so they are letting me decide what I do. I know that will not be the case if they knew that he pretended to hit me. They would drag me out and I am scared to think what they would do to him. My dad and uncles are not what you call innocent guys, but they would never lay a hand on a woman and a very protective of family.

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What did she tell you? Why is your father suddenly homeless?

My mom did not say much to me, for some reason she did and said things when I was not around. The person she had become before she left was not the person I grew up with as a mother. A few years back we had fallen on a hard time financially and that messed up my parents credit and rental history. A lot of places would not rent to my dad because of this.

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I have talked to my family a little, not about him pretending to hit me, but about the other stuff and they are not happy. They know I don't want to mess up my rental history or his army job so they are letting me decide what I do. I know that will not be the case if they knew that he pretended to hit me. They would drag me out and I am scared to think what they would do to him. My dad and uncles are not what you call innocent guys, but they would never lay a hand on a woman and a very protective of family.

Don’t bother feeling sorry for abusers they are the cause of their own problems just leave. It anything happens to him with his military job that’s up to him he did it his problem.

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Don’t bother feeling sorry for abusers they are the cause of their own problems just leave. It anything happens to him with his military job that’s up to him he did it his problem.

That is a problem I have always had, I care too much about others. The only reason I have been thinking about this problem so much is because it has affected my little sister. She has seen the way he talks to me when she stays over and she has noticed that I make excuses why I don't go over to my families place and spend time with them.

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Did your mother flee abuse? You seem to over sympathize with your father and blame your

mother for everything from mental health issues to quitting your job. You claim you know very little about why she left. Do you know where she is and do you have contact?

My mom did not say much to me, for some reason she did and said things when I was not around. The person she had become before she left was not the person I grew up with as a mother. A few years back we had fallen on a hard time financially and that messed up my parents credit and rental history. A lot of places would not rent to my dad because of this.
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That is a problem I have always had, I care too much about others. The only reason I have been thinking about this problem so much is because it has affected my little sister. She has seen the way he talks to me when she stays over and she has noticed that I make excuses why I don't go over to my families place and spend time with them.

Don’t have your little sister over to witness abuse. Just leave.

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I also keep telling myself it is my fault, if only I did not let my mental health get so bad or if I did things differently. Maybe I am being to sensitive. Maybe if I didn't pull away from him at all he wouldn't be so frustrated. Maybe he is right and I shouldn't be going to my families without him.

He has not physically hurt me and maybe his actions are a result of him being young and this being his first real serious relationship, maybe he just doesn't know how to behave...

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Breaking a lease is not damaging if you pay the fee in order to do so. From there, you can search for a place with your Dad and put the new lease under your name with your Dad as a resident.

 

Meanwhile, move your stuff to storage and go stay with the family who loves you.

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I also keep telling myself it is my fault, if only I did not let my mental health get so bad or if I did things differently. Maybe I am being to sensitive. Maybe if I didn't pull away from him at all he wouldn't be so frustrated. Maybe he is right and I shouldn't be going to my families without him.

He has not physically hurt me and maybe his actions are a result of him being young and this being his first real serious relationship, maybe he just doesn't know how to behave...

Or maybe he is an abuser.

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I agree that this is terribly abusive and please keep in mind that emotional or psychological abuse does not need to come to blows just yet. He's also isolating you which is something abusers do because it means he has no competition with the people in your life who have your best interests. These are all warning, glaring warning signs, of an abusive situation.

 

Even if you pull away during a traumatic time in your life and your relationship suffers, it shouldn't give anyone a reason to direct anger, threats or abuse towards you. Don't rationalize those words or that kind of behaviour. There are any number of things he could have done: suggested you go for therapy and counselling, go together as a couple, express himself in a more open way or communicating his sadness.

 

You should be involving your family more in your affairs and make a decision for him to leave or as Catfeeder suggests break the lease and pay the penalty and find your own place. I'm normally not one to involve family and friends but I think in your case you've isolated yourself to the point where you are fearful to do what's right for yourself and immobilized.

 

You should also talk to someone about all these excuses you have laid out for your abuser's behaviour. If you were taught at any time to cover up for poor behaviour of loved ones, this is it right here. Stop this cycle.

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Did your mother flee abuse? You seem to over sympathize with your father and blame your

mother for everything from mental health issues to quitting your job. You claim you know very little about why she left. Do you know where she is and do you have contact?

I do know why my mom left but did not want to go into detail about that. Yes my parents fought but he was not abusive to her. My mom met my dad when I was about 6. Things were not very good before she met him and she had just come out of a physically abusive relationship. I was not around the abuse but I do remember us living in one of those safe houses for a while. I also remember the type of people my mom would be friends with. It was not safe. My dad, who is actually my step dad, took us away from that. No he was not the best dad and messed up a lot, but he cared for us and kept us safe. Even now that my mom left him he is still here for me despite me not being his blood. My mom had got some new employees who got into her head during a time when she was having some health scares and that changed her. She started to drink and go out and had even started talk and hanging out with her ex, along with other guys. I do have contact with her, but with what all she did before she left I am still very hurt. The biggest thing she did was she made me feel that she regretted have kids and that hit me hard because I had problems thinking my family would be better off if I was never around for years. I had never acted on these thoughts, but she knew I had them.

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And isolation is the first tool.

 

It sounds like you have done a lot of reading up on abuse right down to the lease legally. You describe things in an almost textbook way.

I have read very little actually. The lease thing I know because my mom has been an apartment manager for most of my life.

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