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Thread: I don't know what to do...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree that this is terribly abusive and please keep in mind that emotional or psychological abuse does not need to come to blows just yet. He's also isolating you which is something abusers do because it means he has no competition with the people in your life who have your best interests. These are all warning, glaring warning signs, of an abusive situation.

    Even if you pull away during a traumatic time in your life and your relationship suffers, it shouldn't give anyone a reason to direct anger, threats or abuse towards you. Don't rationalize those words or that kind of behaviour. There are any number of things he could have done: suggested you go for therapy and counselling, go together as a couple, express himself in a more open way or communicating his sadness.

    You should be involving your family more in your affairs and make a decision for him to leave or as Catfeeder suggests break the lease and pay the penalty and find your own place. I'm normally not one to involve family and friends but I think in your case you've isolated yourself to the point where you are fearful to do what's right for yourself and immobilized.

    You should also talk to someone about all these excuses you have laid out for your abuser's behaviour. If you were taught at any time to cover up for poor behaviour of loved ones, this is it right here. Stop this cycle.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    And isolation is the first tool.

    It sounds like you have done a lot of reading up on abuse right down to the lease legally. You describe things in an almost textbook way.
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Or maybe he is an abuser.

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Did your mother flee abuse? You seem to over sympathize with your father and blame your
    mother for everything from mental health issues to quitting your job. You claim you know very little about why she left. Do you know where she is and do you have contact?
    I do know why my mom left but did not want to go into detail about that. Yes my parents fought but he was not abusive to her. My mom met my dad when I was about 6. Things were not very good before she met him and she had just come out of a physically abusive relationship. I was not around the abuse but I do remember us living in one of those safe houses for a while. I also remember the type of people my mom would be friends with. It was not safe. My dad, who is actually my step dad, took us away from that. No he was not the best dad and messed up a lot, but he cared for us and kept us safe. Even now that my mom left him he is still here for me despite me not being his blood. My mom had got some new employees who got into her head during a time when she was having some health scares and that changed her. She started to drink and go out and had even started talk and hanging out with her ex, along with other guys. I do have contact with her, but with what all she did before she left I am still very hurt. The biggest thing she did was she made me feel that she regretted have kids and that hit me hard because I had problems thinking my family would be better off if I was never around for years. I had never acted on these thoughts, but she knew I had them.

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    And isolation is the first tool.

    It sounds like you have done a lot of reading up on abuse right down to the lease legally. You describe things in an almost textbook way.
    I have read very little actually. The lease thing I know because my mom has been an apartment manager for most of my life.

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  6. #25

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    Thank you everyone for the advice. You have all helped very much and I think it is best if I leave before it gets worse.

  7. #26
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nina89
    Thank you everyone for the advice. You have all helped very much and I think it is best if I leave before it gets worse.
    I can guarantee you it will get worse isolation is the first phase. And first relationship or not nobody threatens to hit you because of hard times thatís just nuts. And doesnít know how to act ,really? We are taught as toddlers to keep your hands to yourself and donít threaten people. My guess is there are a lot of abusive situations in his family. Run for the hills.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    When couples get together, it's very difficult to tell how they will actually behave in more stressful situations or if they are actually good people. People are on their best behavior for the first part of the relationship.
    This is why women can marry men who don't start beating them till after they're married and have been together for a few years.

    A stressful situation brings out people's true colors. They can either be empathetic to their partner, loving, helpful, supportive, or they can turn how your boyfriend did, and be cruel, punishing, annoyed, etc.
    It's not your fault. This is how he will behave with anyone. He has a mean streak in him.

    You could not control your mother leaving, and it's more than normal for you to react with upset like you did. Anyone would.
    If he had been a decent man, he would have been loving towards you, supportive, understanding, etc.
    But he's not.

    He is being abusive. And when you find out the person you are with has this in them. it's time to leave. He won't change and it could get much worse where he will start hitting you and hurting you very badly.
    You need to leave and take care of yourself. Don't listen to any more nonsense he has to say. Abusers will beg, cry, plead, it's part of the abusive process. Then you'll feel guilty, and stay, and eventually he will start abusing you again.
    You need to get out now before it gets worse.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 07-12-2020 at 12:55 PM.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Nina89
    Thank you everyone for the advice. You have all helped very much and I think it is best if I leave before it gets worse.
    Good! Please do it quickly.

    This guy is emotionally abusive, and the threat of hitting you indicates it could get physical. This guy sounds dangerous and unstable.

    How you sought help for you depression?

  10. #29
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    I fail to see why you are so hurt by your mother and step dads relationship breakdown.

    Perhaps it was the first stable relationship you saw your mother in given that you were 6 when they met. But relationships fail for many reasons and you are favouring your step dad over your mother.
    She sounds like she has had a stable job for many years.
    Her leaving your step dad did not leave him homeless. If he canít get a lease , thatís on him not her.
    And he is NOT homeless. He might not like his spare room in his families house but he is not living in the street.

    Lease a place in your name and have your step dad live with you as a paying lodger.
    Problem solved right??

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