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Thread: My ex said that friendship is our only hope for reconciling.

  1. #1
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    My ex said that friendship is our only hope for reconciling.

    I am currently going through the motions after a breakup. I have implemented no contact and I haven't reached out to my ex. Every day was hard but I was determined to make personal changes to become a better person and work on my life. A little shy of a month later my ex contacted me and it took me completely off guard. We texted back and forth casually until one day my anxious feelings drove me to ask what his intentions were. I told him that I needed to look out after myself and have an understanding as to where he is coming from.

    At that point, my ex asked me to call him... and I just blew everything. My feelings came flooding back. A month wasn't enough time to heal and be prepared for this conversation. I showed my cards and told him how much I missed him and how I would like to take things slow between us. He told me that he was extending an olive branch for friendship, because working on that is working on us. He said that he wanted to be friends for at least 2 years first before even thinking about being lovers again. He told me that the reason why he is thinking about that length of time is because that's how long it takes to make personal changes to self improve. He told me that I didn't love myself as much as I should have... and he also told me he wanted to work on his self. He mentioned that he missed me too, and that he really did enjoy my company ( not sure if he was just trying to be polite or not).

    A part of me was concerned that he wanted to keep me on a string so that he can do whatever he wants to do and I will be here waiting for a chance. I told him that and he was offended. He said that if I really thought that about him, then I don't know him at all and I can go on my way. I just told him that I was being open so I can have a better understanding. I was also extremely honest and told him that I did not expect for him to contact me so soon, and that I thought that I was getting stronger (apparently not). He mentioned after talking for hours, that nothing has changed... and that if we were to get back together now we would slip back into the broken relationship we were in. I mentioned that two years is a long time. And he told me that it was "telling" that I thought that and that he doesn't plan on dating anyone else, he just wants to do his own thing. I am (reluctantly) open to working on a us the "long way" through friendship... but in the mean time, I don't want to date anyone else or be intimate with anyone. I'm sexually frustrated and I cannot have him. My last message to him stated "I love you enough to let you go..."
    A week later and I still haven't heard from him. I am torn, confused and angry with myself for slipping back into weakness.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He's still behaving selfishly imo. He wasn't over his ex, got into a relationship with you knowing this and then unkindly broke up with you.

    Sounds like he's all about what he wants. And that he doesn't care about how his behavior affects you.

    I would not wait around for two years.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    He doesn't want to get back with you but it's easier to give you this half-a__sed answer of "let's be friends for x years" than to be honest with you.

    You were a rebound. Think about this, he was with you for one year and could never say I love you. And shortly before you, he was with a woman for 3 years and WANTED TO MARRY HER. Also, he kept in contact with her.

    You were always second fiddle and you never had his heart. Let it go.

    Find someone who wants you as you are, for you. Someone who will say that he loves you and mean it and not treat you as second choice.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    This time block and delete him then he can't contact you again.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I know it hurts. I'm sorry. but in time you will see him for what he is... someone that sets rules and uses words to create some weird dynamic where he's controlling you and keeping you waiting in the wings. aka selfish, self-serving and manipulative.

    A genuine person does one of two things... 1. be with you whole heartedly or 2. Let you go.

    Build boundaries for yourself that it iss as always one of these two choices.. with me or not with me. there is no in between... And to be with me requires certain things to meet my needs.

    Don't fall for hus bs. be glad you have not heard from him. he is a d bag.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    if you seriously maintain no contact for days, months, years, give all the time to yourself , let all these feelings pass without acting or reacting to it am sure you will see that this person is just one person in the whole universe
    Why would you not want to find that one who would love you without all this drama who makes your life exciting, each day you wake up , feels all beautiful and full of hope? It takes patience and lot of work on yourself to get there.
    I know you will get there, just let this pass, block him and end his chapter, life has better chapters to be written for you, if you keep repeating the same chapter things will never move on.
    the greatest lessons are not learned through success, you need to fail, learn and let go.
    Last edited by Spawn; 07-12-2020 at 12:00 AM.

  8. #7
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    Yes it's selfish to say "Let's just be friends for two years" before getting back together. I'm sure you're quite right, it's because he just wants to keep you there. To be honest I think he's very rude. Expecting you to just sit there for two years waiting for him, is he for real?! I think you should just cut off all contact with him for good and block. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings much at all.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Only a person who is selfish and doesn't love you nor value you would suggest that you stay friends for at least two years before he even thinks about getting back together again. You have proof that this person doesn't value you nor care about your mental well-being at all and would put his need for a plan b over the risk of hurting your mental well-being. You need to put him off the pedestal. No good boyfriend material would ever suggest such crap. He has proven to you beyond doubt that he is not the one for you. You need to completely let go.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you still work with him?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    He said that he wanted to be friends for at least 2 years first before even thinking about being lovers again. ).
    I wouldn't take this seriously, OP, in that I don't think he actually has any intention of reconciling. Not now, and not in two years. He's saying this because he thinks this will get you to hit the road without him having to be more mature and tell you directly that it's over for good.

    This relationship never had legs to last, girl. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will put him behind you.

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