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Thread: My ex said that friendship is our only hope for reconciling.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. He has no intention of reconciling or anything else. If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you right NOW. Is your sense of self-worth so bad that

    " I am (reluctantly) open to working on a us the "long way" through friendship... but in the mean time, I don't want to date anyone else or be intimate with anyone. I'm sexually frustrated and I cannot have him. My last message to him stated "I love you enough to let you go...""

    Follow the good advice given you on this and your other threads. Block him completely, on all media, including phones.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for what I know is a lot of hurt and confusion right now. Have to ask: When you write all that down, does it by chance become more clear to you how corrosive and lopsided this whole thing was/is? I've found that when I've posted here, and found that clarity, sour as it is, to be empowering and clarifying.

    What he's suggesting is not a road to a romantic reunion, or even friendship, since it's a suggestion that negates your agency and humanity completely. It's rude and selfish, to the point where my most generous take is that he's just so immature and lost in his own emotional sauce that he can't see up from down. Like asking someone to commit to working a job for free with the hope that in 700 days they might make a dollar, it's an exploitative proposition that will leave a desperate person more broke, more lost, in greater debt.

    Ask yourself some simple questions: Is this how you want to be treated? Is this what you see as the most glorious path to leaving your 20s and entering your 30s? My hope is your gut has a pretty clear answer to those, and that you can use those answers to walk in a new direction: away from him, so you can inhabit yourself. That's the relationship here that is calling out for your heart, best I can see, while this is the one to let go of, for real.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Wow. What an offer. He'll use you for the comforts and distractions you provide while he grieves his ex and calls you unworthy and in 'need' of 2 years worth of 'work', even while he's 'offended' by the slightest suggestion that you are rightfully looking out for yourself?

    What's in that for you, exactly? Acceptance of HIS estimation of your worthiness and the privilege of tap-dancing around the periphery of his life while he dictates which of your behaviors are fine, and which are 'offensive' to him?

    Your letting-go message was a lot kinder than the heave-ho I would have given him, so hold your head high. Nobody can fault you for loving who you love, but some people are best loved from far, far away.

    Lady, you deserve to find a partner who owns the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value--just as You Are. You deserve true simpatico with someone who offers a trusting balance of mutual feelings and RESPECT. Such a partner will join you in protecting yourself rather than finding fault with you for it.

    Nobody deserves the limbo-hell of self consciously appeasing a one-way narcissist who expects you to dance like a puppet around his wants while he dishes out criticism mixed with underhanded compliments in order to keep you dangling.

    Is a subservient two-year walk on eggshells 'around' this guy's ego really how you'd want to live?

    He's a piece of ...work.

    Head high.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What a lousy, sadistic piece of work.

    Your first instincts were correct, CL. That was your progress and that is you overcoming what he's presenting to you. You shouldn't beat yourself up for telling him you love him. That's what you feel. It doesn't mean that you have to act on it either or react positively to his plan.

    Trust your instincts more. Everything you're thinking is correct and what you're feeling (indignation, disbelief and fearful) are exactly your instincts showing you what to do. I don't think you have backtracked at all. You've seen in vivid detail now the person he is. If anything, he's just proven (again) what he is and you should realize that he can't help himself. This is the mess that he is and he will never change.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you still work with him?
    Yes we still work together. But we are working home until the end of the year until we return back to the office.

  7. #16
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    Agree so much with Rose and Catfeeder. His "offer"means he is not a true friend to you.

  8. #17
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    Heís basically giving you false hope because heís too much of a coward to be honest.

    You need someone who will not need a two year break, or hoping to change things about you that donít fit their needs.

    You need someone much better and you deserve better op!

    Block..delete

  9. #18
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    I am sorry you are going through this. May I ask how old are you and your ex?
    It's is a blessing you won't have to see him anytime soon in the office. By the time you will, you may be in a totally different place.
    His charity and condescending suggestions made me quite upset. How very gracious of him!
    Please, remove him completely from your life. I promise you that soon it will get easier. You will breathe without that pain in the chest.
    On YouTube there are wonderful videos how to go through break up. These videos ....and a few wonderful people here saved my sanity some time ago.
    Please stay strong. Please refrain from making him so special. Don't tell him how you feel. After a month, he was checking if the oven is still warm and once he realised it was, he did a step back.
    Put yourself first ....as a result of that, this will actually make him wonder....

  10. #19
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I just feel like I did a lot of things wrong in our relationship too. I came off as needy and I was not able to give him his space when he asked for it. Part of the reason why I did that is because I was so afraid of him actually leaving me. I was so anxious and worried throughout a good portion of our relationship that it got in the way of me being a good girlfriend

    My ex has been extremely honest with me. He doesn't mind if brutal honesty hurts and he says what he means usually. I asked him out right if I should let him go. And he told me that he doesn't have an answer and that he would like to work on us.


    I am 27 my ex is 35.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There are pluses and minuses in that. No awkwardness at work. But everyone working from home feels isolation and that can magnify things.
    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    Yes we still work together. But we are working home until the end of the year until we return back to the office.

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