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Thread: Is casual trash talk normal among friends

  1. #1
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    Is casual trash talk normal among friends

    Iíve been contemplating cutting some people out of my life, not because I donít enjoy spending time with them (sometimes), and not because they talk trash to me personally, but I feel like their constant negative talk about others is starting to rub off on me. To make things harder, I live on the same farm with them because they are my husbandís cousins/cousinsí spouses.
    Basically, the kind of talking they do sounds quite like the following; ďI canít believe so in so bought that big ass boat. Idk how they can afford thatĒ ďso in so is such a show off. Always has to buy expensive thingsĒ ďcan you believe so in so is paying for private swim lessons for their kid?Ē ďSo in so are such good people. They have a lot of money but they live in a trailer because they arenít show offsĒ ďidk why so in so needed to build a house that bigĒ etc. This is normal every day talk for these people. And sometimes they talk about people for doing the same thing they do. Like for buying a boat and then they go and buy a boat themselves. And itís also obvious to the outside world. For example, my husbandís friend made a joke and was like ďare you allowed to build a bigger house than your cousin?Ē Because we are currently in the process of building a house ourselves, which Iím sure is a topic of conversation when we arenít around them. Anyways, is this behavior normal? I find when I am around it, I start doing it too 😬🤦🏻♀️. And then later I feel so guilty and mad at myself for acting like them. I also might add that they arenít dirt poor but they definitely donít make a lot of money by any means. Each family maybe has a combined income of 80k and have 3 kids. It seems like they may be jealous. But sometimes they talk crap about their own family and friends and I just think itís weird to not be happy for family and friends when something good happens to them or when business is successful.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Here's a quote to remember :

    "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."

    Choose wisely on what crowd you want to be a part of. Because you're right, who you spend time with, you become like.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Here's a quote to remember :

    "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."

    Choose wisely on what crowd you want to be a part of. Because you're right, who you spend time with, you become like.
    Iíve heard this quote before. I think itís probably about time I spend less time with them. Which is a shame because I do genuinely enjoy their company when they arenít being jealous of people.

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    Well yeah that would annoy me too actually. It's not nice to be around people who gossip and judge others all the time. The problem I see here though is how can you avoid these people if they're all your husband's relatives and you live on the same farm?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    When you find a group of people that have hobbies, want to discuss world events, different topics that interest them in general and have nothing to do with bad mouthing people, you will see a huge difference.

    I used to have friends like what you described, I have since moved on to friends who talk about travel, hobbies, etc and it's a huge improvement.

    It starts to get to be a real drag hearing so much judgemental talk. Gossip is the lowest form of discussions.

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well yeah that would annoy me too actually. It's not nice to be around people who gossip and judge others all the time. The problem I see here though is how can you avoid these people if they're all your husband's relatives and you live on the same farm?
    Yeah, thatís another issue for sure. Itís hard not to be around them. I literally see them every Friday and Saturday night because they either come to our house or invite us to theirs to hang out. If I were to stop seeing them, it would be extremely noticeable and obvious. I donít want a fight with them, I just know that itís not good to be around that kind of negative talk.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Try to make new friends who want to discuss other topics and invite them over when these other women come over?

    It might help shift the conversations.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    When you find a group of people that have hobbies, want to discuss world events, different topics that interest them in general and have nothing to do with bad mouthing people, you will see a huge difference.

    I used to have friends like what you described, I have since moved on to friends who talk about travel, hobbies, etc and it's a huge improvement.

    It starts to get to be a real drag hearing so much judgemental talk. Gossip is the lowest form of discussions.
    You are absolutely right. I know this is silly but Iím also worried that having been around that kind of talk for so long, itís going to be hard to adjust to a new group that talks about more important things and not gossiping about people. Iím scared I will be a boring person to talk to lol.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Try to make new friends who want to discuss other topics and invite them over when these other women come over?

    It might help shift the conversations.
    Thatís a good idea.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Well there are some expressions which are true such as "if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas" which means you are the company you keep and you'll eventually become corrupt and tainted.

    As for people with certain moral values, integrity and a conscience, "birds of a feather flock together" means again, you are the company you keep and alike minds associate with one another.

    Since it's obvious that you are very humble which is commendable, you've admitted that you don't wish to follow down the same path as your gossipy and very judgmental cousins / cousins' spouses. Since you live on the same farm with them, limit all contact with them. There is a way you can enforce your own healthy boundaries with them. If you text or exchange electronic correspondence, keep it seldom, brief, polite and that's it. If you're together, reduce the amount of time and frequency of togetherness. Since you can't completely avoid them altogether, at least reduce your encounters with them as much as possible.

    I too am with some people who are not good and I can't avoid them completely. I've since learned to tune them out completely. Just because you're with lousy, disrespectful people, it doesn't mean you allow yourself to partake in the conversation, agree with them or become easily influenced by them. Since you know the difference between right and wrong behavior, remain a good person in your heart. Don't create WW3 by criticizing your cousins / cousins' spouses to them otherwise, you, too are fodder for their gossip, jokes at your expense and the worst will result in their backlash and belligerent behavior towards YOU and your husband. Learn to walk away, get busy, become distracted and don't sit around getting involved nor roped into their gossip hound discussions. You can't control other people. They are who they are. You can't change them. All you can do is change the way you think and change your behavior.

    If you can cut them out of your life, then do it and there's a way to do it without their knowing it such as creating borders and boundaries for yourself just like I do. I have relatives and in-laws whom I do not admire nor respect due to some despicable characters which I look upon with great disdain. I simply avoid them and this COVID-19 pandemic is "a gift" in that sense. I'm off the hook from forced family reunions for birthdays, holidays, graduation parties, etc. I've never been happier. We've been completely quarantined and separated for many months and I'm kicking heels in delight!

    People who downgrade others are insecure, lack self esteem and confidence. They're in that "misery loves company" mindset in order to feel superior to others and they'll say something snide about others. Since they cannot rise to a person's success, they make others miserable by saying something unkind. This is human nature. Secure, successful people say nary a word. I've noticed the less money a person makes, the louder they are. The more money a person makes, the quieter they've become because it comes from self confidence, high self esteem and SECURITY. Or, the up and coming in income are loud mouths compared to the truly affluent and wealthy who remain silent. Very affluent people don't say a word. They just quietly enjoy their comfortable life. I know a lot of affluent people who never flaunt their wealth. They're very humble yet have fat bank accounts, reside in the best neighborhoods and have it made in the shade. They don't wear their wealth on their sleeve because they don't have to. They're set for life and quietly enjoy everyday living. This is what I've observed in my community. Understand this human psychology and it will all make sense to you.

    Don't be concerned and don't bother ever thinking about your cousins / cousins' spouses or anything they have to say. They're bored and have nothing better to do. Go your own way in life, get busy doing what you enjoy and preoccupy yourself with positive, enjoyable thoughts for you, your husband and children if you have any. Divert your attention elsewhere.

    There will always be people whom you don't like in this world. Don't give them the time of day because they're not worth it. They're not worth your stress and worry so don't bother. Don't take certain trashy people so seriously. They don't deserve your time and energy nor your ears and attention. You have better things to do with your life than dwell on them. Redirect your focus away from them and you will be a happier person. Also, associate with people whom you admire and respect and bring you joy. Everyone else can take a long walk on a short pier.

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