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Is casual trash talk normal among friends


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I’ve been contemplating cutting some people out of my life, not because I don’t enjoy spending time with them (sometimes), and not because they talk trash to me personally, but I feel like their constant negative talk about others is starting to rub off on me. To make things harder, I live on the same farm with them because they are my husband’s cousins/cousins’ spouses.

Basically, the kind of talking they do sounds quite like the following; “I can’t believe so in so bought that big ass boat. Idk how they can afford that” “so in so is such a show off. Always has to buy expensive things” “can you believe so in so is paying for private swim lessons for their kid?” “So in so are such good people. They have a lot of money but they live in a trailer because they aren’t show offs” “idk why so in so needed to build a house that big” etc. This is normal every day talk for these people. And sometimes they talk about people for doing the same thing they do. Like for buying a boat and then they go and buy a boat themselves. And it’s also obvious to the outside world. For example, my husband’s friend made a joke and was like “are you allowed to build a bigger house than your cousin?” Because we are currently in the process of building a house ourselves, which I’m sure is a topic of conversation when we aren’t around them. Anyways, is this behavior normal? I find when I am around it, I start doing it too 😬🤦🏻♀️. And then later I feel so guilty and mad at myself for acting like them. I also might add that they aren’t dirt poor but they definitely don’t make a lot of money by any means. Each family maybe has a combined income of 80k and have 3 kids. It seems like they may be jealous. But sometimes they talk crap about their own family and friends and I just think it’s weird to not be happy for family and friends when something good happens to them or when business is successful.

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Here's a quote to remember :

 

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."

 

Choose wisely on what crowd you want to be a part of. Because you're right, who you spend time with, you become like.

 

I’ve heard this quote before. I think it’s probably about time I spend less time with them. Which is a shame because I do genuinely enjoy their company when they aren’t being jealous of people.

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Well yeah that would annoy me too actually. It's not nice to be around people who gossip and judge others all the time. The problem I see here though is how can you avoid these people if they're all your husband's relatives and you live on the same farm?

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When you find a group of people that have hobbies, want to discuss world events, different topics that interest them in general and have nothing to do with bad mouthing people, you will see a huge difference.

 

I used to have friends like what you described, I have since moved on to friends who talk about travel, hobbies, etc and it's a huge improvement.

 

It starts to get to be a real drag hearing so much judgemental talk. Gossip is the lowest form of discussions.

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Well yeah that would annoy me too actually. It's not nice to be around people who gossip and judge others all the time. The problem I see here though is how can you avoid these people if they're all your husband's relatives and you live on the same farm?

 

Yeah, that’s another issue for sure. It’s hard not to be around them. I literally see them every Friday and Saturday night because they either come to our house or invite us to theirs to hang out. If I were to stop seeing them, it would be extremely noticeable and obvious. I don’t want a fight with them, I just know that it’s not good to be around that kind of negative talk.

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When you find a group of people that have hobbies, want to discuss world events, different topics that interest them in general and have nothing to do with bad mouthing people, you will see a huge difference.

 

I used to have friends like what you described, I have since moved on to friends who talk about travel, hobbies, etc and it's a huge improvement.

 

It starts to get to be a real drag hearing so much judgemental talk. Gossip is the lowest form of discussions.

 

You are absolutely right. I know this is silly but I’m also worried that having been around that kind of talk for so long, it’s going to be hard to adjust to a new group that talks about more important things and not gossiping about people. I’m scared I will be a boring person to talk to lol.

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Well there are some expressions which are true such as "if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas" which means you are the company you keep and you'll eventually become corrupt and tainted.

 

As for people with certain moral values, integrity and a conscience, "birds of a feather flock together" means again, you are the company you keep and alike minds associate with one another.

 

Since it's obvious that you are very humble which is commendable, you've admitted that you don't wish to follow down the same path as your gossipy and very judgmental cousins / cousins' spouses. Since you live on the same farm with them, limit all contact with them. There is a way you can enforce your own healthy boundaries with them. If you text or exchange electronic correspondence, keep it seldom, brief, polite and that's it. If you're together, reduce the amount of time and frequency of togetherness. Since you can't completely avoid them altogether, at least reduce your encounters with them as much as possible.

 

I too am with some people who are not good and I can't avoid them completely. I've since learned to tune them out completely. Just because you're with lousy, disrespectful people, it doesn't mean you allow yourself to partake in the conversation, agree with them or become easily influenced by them. Since you know the difference between right and wrong behavior, remain a good person in your heart. Don't create WW3 by criticizing your cousins / cousins' spouses to them otherwise, you, too are fodder for their gossip, jokes at your expense and the worst will result in their backlash and belligerent behavior towards YOU and your husband. Learn to walk away, get busy, become distracted and don't sit around getting involved nor roped into their gossip hound discussions. You can't control other people. They are who they are. You can't change them. All you can do is change the way you think and change your behavior.

 

If you can cut them out of your life, then do it and there's a way to do it without their knowing it such as creating borders and boundaries for yourself just like I do. I have relatives and in-laws whom I do not admire nor respect due to some despicable characters which I look upon with great disdain. I simply avoid them and this COVID-19 pandemic is "a gift" in that sense. I'm off the hook from forced family reunions for birthdays, holidays, graduation parties, etc. I've never been happier. We've been completely quarantined and separated for many months and I'm kicking heels in delight! :smug:

 

People who downgrade others are insecure, lack self esteem and confidence. They're in that "misery loves company" mindset in order to feel superior to others and they'll say something snide about others. Since they cannot rise to a person's success, they make others miserable by saying something unkind. This is human nature. Secure, successful people say nary a word. I've noticed the less money a person makes, the louder they are. The more money a person makes, the quieter they've become because it comes from self confidence, high self esteem and SECURITY. Or, the up and coming in income are loud mouths compared to the truly affluent and wealthy who remain silent. Very affluent people don't say a word. They just quietly enjoy their comfortable life. I know a lot of affluent people who never flaunt their wealth. They're very humble yet have fat bank accounts, reside in the best neighborhoods and have it made in the shade. They don't wear their wealth on their sleeve because they don't have to. They're set for life and quietly enjoy everyday living. This is what I've observed in my community. Understand this human psychology and it will all make sense to you.

 

Don't be concerned and don't bother ever thinking about your cousins / cousins' spouses or anything they have to say. They're bored and have nothing better to do. Go your own way in life, get busy doing what you enjoy and preoccupy yourself with positive, enjoyable thoughts for you, your husband and children if you have any. Divert your attention elsewhere.

 

There will always be people whom you don't like in this world. Don't give them the time of day because they're not worth it. They're not worth your stress and worry so don't bother. Don't take certain trashy people so seriously. They don't deserve your time and energy nor your ears and attention. You have better things to do with your life than dwell on them. Redirect your focus away from them and you will be a happier person. Also, associate with people whom you admire and respect and bring you joy. Everyone else can take a long walk on a short pier.

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The issue isn't that they feel jealous -the issue is how they react to the jealousy with as you put it "trash talk". I like talking about people with people but not trash talk - I think humans are fascinating so I like sharing anecdotes that reflect common experiences, common ideas, values, what makes people tick -but not in a gossipy way at all -very often with no names -as Sherry put it -to discuss ideas. You can do that too -without gossiping and yet it's interesting to talk about how humans react, their choices, their lives etc. Also what do you like -I love talking about good books or good theater (when there is theater, sigh, about travel and travel experiences -what lights you up?

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Just stay busy and keep to yourself. Whatever they want to say is up to them. You can't really change the way others think. Just make sure your own actions and words don't hurt or offend anyone. If you think someone is being bullied or hurt, help them and set a new example.

 

You married into this family and are from somewhere else? Unfortunately this is a lifetime of association for you. Learn to tune out a lot more and just mind your own business unless it concerns you and your business. You should be fine.

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Why the downer, OP?

 

"it’s going to be hard to adjust to a new group that talks about more important things and not gossiping about people. I’m scared I will be a boring person to talk to lol."

 

I'll go one better than Wiseman: Walk away from empty-headed people who gossip inanely.

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It's a delicate balance with family members who live close. Offending them (or your husband) gains you a headache you can't get rid of, and it's just not necessary--or practical.

 

So I'd be gentle. I'd drop some seeds that I'm taking up an online book club, or a baking class, or a scrapbooking group--whatever. I wouldn't go into details. I'd reply to any questions with, "I don't know yet." But the main question I'd want answer is WHY. "Oh, just looking for a little bit of 'me' time, that's all."

 

I'd accept any ribbing in a good-natured way.

 

From there, I'd play the happy hostess whenever it's our turn to host the group. Next time we're due to another's I'd send husband ahead with cupcakes or chips or something and have him tell the hosts that I'll be coming behind him in an hour. I'm finishing a project for my new hobby.

 

Next time I'd be on time, but after that, I'd be absent but send along some food. Then I'd be on time again, but I'd start checker-boarding my time as I stay good natured about any teasing for carving out my 'me' time.

 

Point is, you can reduce your exposure and expand your focus onto other people and interests, but when it comes to family, you'll need to finesse it and be kind about it. Otherwise, it may not be worth the friction.

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OP. Stopping seeing people does not mean "fighting" with them.

 

"If I were to stop seeing them, it would be extremely noticeable and obvious. I don’t want a fight with them,"

 

I agree with Cher:

 

Redirect your focus away from them and you will be a happier person. Also, associate with people whom you admire and respect and bring you joy.

 

Anyhow

 

Back in 1917 OP you said (note the underlined):

 

Things I love about my husband:

 

-We balance (he’s laid back, and I worry about every little thing. He keeps me from going crazy)

-He makes me laugh daily

-We have the same goals

-He makes me feel safe

-He’s one of the only people I can 100% be myself around (though sometimes I’m scared to talk to him about things that bother me because I hate fighting with him)

-He works harder than anyone I know

-He makes me a better person without trying to change me into a different person

-He’s always there for me when I need him

-I adore his family

-I find him very attractive

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As a general rule I don't spent time with people that bring me or others down. But, when avoiding them is not an option (eg. family members, etc) I'd limit the amount of time I spent with them. In your case, you could accept some invites (not all) but only stay there for about an hour or whatever is considered appropriate. Whilst being there if they start to gossip change the conversation and talk about the weather, pets or anything else that's not controversial. Most people will get the hint that you're not interested in gossiping.

 

Then after some suitable time, politely excuse yourself and leave. You don't have to attend every invitation, nor do you have to stay for very long.

 

That's my suggestion anyway.

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People who trash talk, trash talk about YOU and your husband whenever your back is turned. I don't trust people who bad mouth others because you're fair game, too. They trash talk about you at your expense. They're not to be trusted. Just make sure you're radar is up and don't be naive.

 

Avoid the farm people as much as possible and if you're in their company, keep your limited, brief conversations superficial at best. Then get busy and do something else. Don't waste your time, energy and attention on people whom you don't admire and respect.

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I think it’s probably about time I spend less time with them. Which is a shame because I do genuinely enjoy their company when they aren’t being jealous of people.

 

I agree and I totally understand.

 

When I was in graduate school, I was seated for a year next to two guys who I liked as people, but who were incessant complainers/gossipers. That's when I discovered how draining it was to be around people like that.

 

The next year, I chose a seat where I was not within earshot of those two, and I felt so much better!

 

By the third and final year of the program, others had caught on about these guys as well. We realized that one of the guys was worse than the other, and also that they didn't complain as much when they were apart.

 

I still laugh when I think of the lengths we went through to keep the one guy totally out of our studio for the last semester. :D

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I've been going through something similar. Sometimes insecure people think they are eliciting your confidence by talking about someone else. You might feel like you have something special between the two of you. But the reality is if these people will trash talk other people, they will just as easily trash talk about you.

 

I have mix of friends. I've learned to listen and not add to the mix and then change the subject when ever possible.

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I agree and I totally understand. When I was in graduate school, I was seated for a year next to two guys who I liked as people, but who were incessant complainers/gossipers. That's when I discovered how draining it was to be around people like that. The next year, I chose a seat where I was not within earshot of those two, and I felt so much better! By the third and final year of the program, others had caught on about these guys as well. We realized that one of the guys was worse than the other, and also that they didn't complain as much when they were apart. I still laugh when I think of the lengths we went through to keep the one guy totally out of our studio for the last semester.

 

Yes, I have totally been there.

I have had "friends" who did nothing but complain or gossip. When you're around it, you don't think it's that bad, or you try to justify when they do it.

 

But once you are finally away from it and are around people who would rather talk about events, or travel or science, or books they've read or plans they have or anything else under the sun other than complaining or gossiping, you see a world of difference and it's really refreshing.

 

To date, I have no more friends who waste their time gossiping. The friends I have now talk about anything else that has nothing to do with complaining, drama or gossip. I too find it very draining and I won't waste my time with it ever again.

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