Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: trying to trust

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    Posts
    1
    Gender
    Female

    trying to trust

    I found out recently that my boyfriend of 4 years has been watching porn, viewing photos of naked women and visiting adult chat rooms through the entirety of our relationship. I had vocalized my dislike for porn/ porn related materials since the beginning of our relationship and he assured me that he did not like it either and did not use/watch it. After I found out, he continued to watch it and lied about it twice before I finally asked him to move out. He moved out for about a week, during which he communicated to me how sorry he was, shared articles he had read about how to quit using porn, and generally did everything he could to fix our relationship. He moved back in and assured me that he would not be using porn anymore. He has been a model boyfriend in all aspects, he loves and supports me, treats me wonderfully, gets along with and spends time with my family and is just an all around good guy. However, since finding all this out I have found out other things he has lied about/hidden from me. Conversations he had with other women (this was shortly after we were first together and were still in a long distance relationship) allowing his friends (who do not know me) to say extremely negative things about me, and agreeing with them about what a "pain in the ass" I am because he can no longer play video games all day every day (even though he has always told me that our time together is more important than his time online). I'm devastated. I feel so insecure about myself (sexually/emotionally)/my relationship and I am struggling to trust him or anything he says to me now. since he has moved back in we have argued a lot (something we never did before) and have generally struggled to get along or agree on anything. My secure, safe happy relationship feels like it has been shattered. I'm not sure how to fix this or how to trust him again after being lied to and hurt by someone I have explicitly trusted for the past 4 years. Any advise on this would be greatly appreciated. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    581
    Gender
    Male
    It seems like it was a good relationship, but if you arenít okay with your partner watching pornography this might not be a good match?

    Of course being called ďa pain in the assĒ would hurt someoneís feelings, but youíve never complained about him? The thing about venting to friends who donít know you doesnít seem too bad to me...better than poisoning the well with mutual friends.

    Seems like what he was DOING spoke louder than a hurtful remark he made, or how he spent alone time (if it wasnít impacting your sex life?) That said you have every right to choose a partner who doesnít watch pornography.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,047
    How is a good relationship one where your partner lies to you, hides things, bad mouths you to his friends, doesn't have your back when others talk badly about you and instead, throws you under the bus too?

    I would tell this jerk that we are done. He's not a good partner and he hasn't been all along. Don't create a life with someone who is going to say nice things to your face and stabs you in the back. You would be totally downgrading yourself and what you deserve if you stay with this fool.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,117
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he is not who you thought his was. It may be best to cut your losses and see the whole him, not just the compliant yes-man him.

    He is sneaky and he enjoys deceiving fooling and defying you like a rebellious teen. It's not your job to fix him or the relationship. You can't trust untrustworthy people.

    Tell your friends and family about the real him so they can be supportive.
    Originally Posted by abcev
    He moved back in and assured me....
    say extremely negative things about me, and agreeing with them about what a "pain in the ass" I am
    I'm devastated. I feel so insecure about myself (sexually/emotionally)/my relationship and I am struggling to trust him
    since he has moved back in we have argued a lot

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,687
    Gender
    Female
    I'd tell him to hit the road for good. He says nasty things about you, you know he lies. Where's the benefit in this to you?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,180
    Gender
    Female
    I think the issue here is that your boyfriend is actually different from the person you want him to be and actually want to date. And you are trying to change who he really is and trying to mould him into someone else, to your taste. That's actually wrong on your part because you shouldn't be trying to change people. If you have a big issue with their behaviour or something about them, then you shouldn't actually be in a relationship with them.

    There are some things that are not universally bad or good, they are just a personal preference. If you are over the legal age and the porn is legal, it is not actually morally wrong to watch porn. Porn exists for adults because many, many people actually do like to watch it. Both male and female. I'm female and I like to watch it. I even like to watch it with a partner and enjoy it together. That's fine if you don't like porn, that is totally your choice and you don't have to like it or to watch it. However if your boyfriend likes porn, that is also his own choice and his own opinion. He actually doesn't have to apologise to you and beg your forgiveness for the fact that he likes it. Let's just say you liked bananas and your boyfriend hates bananas. Do you have to say sorry to him that you like bananas and from that point you can never eat bananas ever again?

    The same thing goes for video games. If your boyfriend really likes playing video games and that's his hobby, he should be allowed to do that. Granted doing anything excessively is not great, be it porn, video games, or anything. To me it just sounds like you don't like certain things, such as porn and video games, and you want your boyfriend to be just like you and do things you want him to do. That's not right. He shouldn't have to change for you and apologise for things that are not actually wrong, they are just wrong in your personal opinion.

    You don't have to date him if you have an issue with these things, you can date someone else. You are being controlling and that might be why your boyfriend called you "a pain in the bum". It's not nice that he said that but to be honest I might feel the same if my partner was trying to control me and my interests. You are much better off to find a guy that actually suits you. Who already doesn't like porn, doesn't play video games.

    Just to add though, if he was actually sexually chatting to other women, that classifies as cheating if you're in a monogamous relationship. So really you may be better off just to end this because it doesn't sound like it's going well from many angles.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,047
    Let's just say you liked bananas and your boyfriend hates bananas
    No, not the same thing.

    Food versus moral values, what a person is comfortable with sexually, how they view the idea of loyalty and looking at other naked people,etc.

    A huge difference.

    I personally find porn a very low grade form of "entertainment". I wouldn't choose a partner who wanted that to be a part of their life. That's my choice.

    If someone else wants to watch it and it isn't my partner or my dating life, so be it. But it's not what I would want in my life.

    She specifically told her boyfriend ages ago what she was okay with and wasn't okay with. He lied and hid the truth. To me, that's more than enough reason to get rid of him.

    Liars are a waste of time too.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,047
    You are being controlling and that might be why your boyfriend called you "a pain in the bum".
    Oh bull.

    She was upfront with him on what she wanted in a relationship. He lied to her, pretended to be someone he was not, hid things and bad mouthed her.

    That's in no way her fault.

    He should have got some nuts and told her he likes porn and he does bad mouth her with his friends, then she could have decided then and there is she wanted to stay or not.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,180
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Oh bull.

    She was upfront with him on what she wanted in a relationship. He lied to her, pretended to be someone he was not, hid things and bad mouthed her.

    That's in no way her fault.

    He should have got some nuts and told her he likes porn and he does bad mouth her with his friends, then she could have decided then and there is she wanted to stay or not.
    Yes, that's right. He should not have been such a doormat. And when I say doormat is that he actually pretended purely for the sake of someone else (albeit a partner) that he actually was someone else, a different person. But he didn't really want to change, so that's why he lied and watched porn behind her back. Regarding the "pain in the butt" comment. I agree it's not nice. However it IS a pain in the butt if your partner is trying to control you and tell you that you can't do this and that, because they personally don't like it. But he shouldn't have lied and said he stopped watching porn. He should have ended the relationship, or let her end the relationship if she wanted to, based on the porn issue.

    Regarding porn, again I will stand by my opinion is that watching porn is not wrong, in and of itself. Nobody "has" to stop watching porn if their partner doesn't like it. If the porn is not illegal, by all means they're allowed to watch it. It's a difference in moral values the same as one person may be religious, one not. One is vegan, one is not. Therefore it's important to choose a partner who actually has your own moral values and beliefs. But it's wrong to try change someone and MAKE them have your moral values, if in fact they don't already share them. This is why people don't like religious preachers. It's perfectly fine to be religious but you shouldn't push other people to follow your religion if they don't want to.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,180
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    No, not the same thing.

    Food versus moral values, what a person is comfortable with sexually, how they view the idea of loyalty and looking at other naked people,etc.

    A huge difference.

    I personally find porn a very low grade form of "entertainment". I wouldn't choose a partner who wanted that to be a part of their life. That's my choice.

    If someone else wants to watch it and it isn't my partner or my dating life, so be it. But it's not what I would want in my life.

    She specifically told her boyfriend ages ago what she was okay with and wasn't okay with. He lied and hid the truth. To me, that's more than enough reason to get rid of him.

    Liars are a waste of time too.
    Absolutely Sherry, you are allowed not to like porn and not date people who watch porn. Totally nothing wrong with that. As I keep saying, these are personal opinions and beliefs. Individual to every person and should be respected. As in, respected that it's their choice and they have a right to that choice. It doesn't mean you have to respect the actual thing or like it.

    On the other hand, her boyfriend equally can get rid of her too based on the fact that he likes porn and video games, she's against them and doesn't let him enjoy these things. The thing he did wrong was the lying. Liking porn and video games in itself is not wrong so he did nothing wrong by enjoying them. If she doesn't like it, she is free to leave and find someone else.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •