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Thread: Not sure if this girl is too full-on

  1. #1
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    Not sure if this girl is too full-on

    I'm a 35-year-old woman and I identify as pansexual/bisexual. So I'm attracted to all genders. I haven't been with that many women though and only had one actual girlfriend. I do really want to date women and get more experience. I met this lesbian woman on a dating site. Her messages on the site were quite long and very friendly. We made a date to catch up for a coffee and go on a beach walk. Unfortunately my state had rapidly rising coronavirus cases, so we are now in a strict stage 3 lock down again. This lock down has to be for at least six weeks. So she suggested we just video chat.

    We video chatted for two hours while having a few drinks of alcohol. Granted I was tipsy, but I liked her. I thought she was cute and she seemed nice and enjoyed the conversation. Afterwards she messaged me saying she really liked talking to me and she thinks I'm gorgeous. She suggested we watch a movie at our own place and have a discussion or video chat about it. I agreed and we're doing that tonight.

    This woman is 37 and she has a computer science university degree, but she has a genetic autoimmune disease and she hasn't been able to work for ten years. She is on a disability pension. She lives with her Dad and also cares for him because he has the same condition. She does do some freelance work in antiques trading. She also told me she's mildly on the autism spectrum.

    So the issue I'm sort of having is that I feel like she's kinda smothering me. I know that part of it is that I have a very overbearing mother who never gave me much space or privacy. My Mother used to text and call me all the time even when I lived at home and she was very nosey. For that reason I prefer a partner who doesn't bombard me and gives me my space.

    This girl sends very long text messages and when I text back, she replies immediately. Also I didn't reply to her really long text for maybe four hours, and she double texted me again. I didn't reply. Not deliberately but I was having a virtual video games night with my friends all night. So this morning she texted me again saying: "Hey I just wanted to check if we're still on for tonight? Also are you OK?" So I replied and said all is fine and yes we are on to watch the movie.

    I just feel pressured because her texts are very long and she asks me questions which I need to reply to. It's an effort to type a long text back, and then she replies basically immediately. Then because I didn't reply for only four hours, she texted again. Maybe if the texts were short I wouldn't mind texting back and forth more often.

    On the other hand though we are not actually allowed to meet for six weeks. So I'm not sure if maybe I'm over reacting and she's just texting a lot because she wants to get to know me and keep the momentum going. Maybe she's worried if she doesn't keep up the contact, we won't actually end up meeting in real life in six weeks.

    I kind of want to tell her to tone down the really long frequent texts, but I'm not sure if that'll come across as rude?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You have different communication styles. It doesn't make it "bad" it just means in this area, you're not compatible.

    You'll have to sort out if you will be okay with someone who is like this, or if it's going to become a problem. But to ask her to "tone it down" is probably not the best as this is who she is, and she will probably take it the wrong way.

    This is how she get's to know you and enjoys talking with you. If you're not on the same wavelength and find it annoying, then it's more than likely a red flag.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Can you make calls? Explain that you're not much of a texter. If she seems too clingy, you're doing the right thing scaling back

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    A lot of issues. You also have someone who is very clingy.

    Your intuition is right, I think you should take a pass on this one.

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  6. #5
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    I have a friend who is like this.

    Every text or email is long as hell, and filled with questions. I don't use texting as a discussion platform, personally, so I keep my responses short (but polite) as I normally would. In other words, I don't change my preferred communication method to match hers. We can have chats in person, but not over texting.

    I realize you two cannot meet in person right now, but I would give her the heads-up that you are not always readily available for texting, and prefer to save conversations for video calls. You mentioned she is on the spectrum so I would first communicate clearly with her what your preferences are, and see if she'll strike a balance with you.

    If not, you might have to chalk this up to incompatibility and keep moving.

  7. #6
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    I think it would be unfair of you to use this woman in order to get the ďexperienceĒ you desire with women.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you need excuses at this point not to like someone. You may be subconsciously pitying her or feeling sorry for her. She too on the other hand may be very insecure and needing constant reminders or affirmations that you accept her and still want her. Dating an insecure person, whatever gender, doesn't work very well.

    Switch the gender or sex for a moment. If she was man, would you react differently?

    If it was a man or a woman without disability, would you also react differently?

    It may give you some idea of how you feel towards this person and break down why it's so hard to be clear or honest with yourself that this isn't what you're looking for.

    Before you go down the route reflecting on your childhood, I think it's also a good idea to look at what motivates your interest in dating right now. Is it casual fun/nothing serious or is it a committed relationship/open to a relationship?

    I think two people should have it on their dating profile or at least establish this in the first date or "meet" whether it's virtual or in person. It works as a reminder to yourself, most of all, what you're looking for so you don't fall into the trap of accepting people into your life who don't share the same ideas of what you're looking for.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 07-11-2020 at 04:57 AM.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I think it would be unfair of you to use this woman in order to get the ďexperienceĒ you desire with women.
    I felt exactly the same - it reminds me of when I was a teenager and wanted to kiss certain guys just for the "experience" - and I'm sure I did at least once, I'm sure I was "practiced" on too when I was a teen - nothing major, basically harmless.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    So her communication style is very long. Nothing wrong with it. Mine is short and direct . I know people with long communication styles who donít find me very communicative and therefore frustrating. However, when Iím with people I can talk a blue streak itís just written communication Iím short and the point. But I think thatís because I want to move on to something else.

    I tend to answer texts as soon as possible because I find it rude when you donít. Even to shoot somebody a quick text to say Iím not available to answer right now but I will answer you as soon as possible.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The way I see a text is it itís the same as if somebody is talking to me face-to-face and if somebody was talking to you face-to-face you wouldnít stand there and not answer. So if Iím super busy I will give them a quick answer saying I will answer you as soon as I can.

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