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Thread: Family visits

  1. #1
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    Family visits

    Hello guys!
    I recently made a 3 hour trip to visit my daughter, who just had a baby 3 months ago. This visit gave me the chance to see my new granddaughter and grandson.
    While this should be a happy occasion, I am finding it becoming more stressful with every visit. I don't visit very often, but when I do, there is ALWAYS DRAMA.

    My daughter, who has a severe case of ADHD, and diagnosed with ODD, can be a real challenge.
    She lives with her father whose health is complicated by many health issues, and just recently after her SO, bailed on her before the baby's birth, she has allowed a friend to move in with her, along with friend's 9 year old son. The friend (a female) is staying there to help my daughter with the baby.

    After this recent visit, I feel I can no longer stay at her home.

    Although we had a pleasant time together, it's the drama that is going on at different times of the day. There seems to be a tremendous amount of conflict, yelling, screaming, at one another--not at me---in addition to the unsanitary living conditions. I am not expecting her house to look in pristine condition, but I will take a messy house over an unsanitary one. The entire home smells like urine. The odor is over-powering enough that it is nauseating. There are four animals that live there.
    The combination of the arguing, shouting matches, and the unsanitary living conditions....resulted in my decision to shorten my visit. The woman friend who she said is there to help did not lift a finger the whole time I was there. She just sat on the couch watching tv or sending text messages. I did not say one word to her about this or anything that happened while I was there. I simply retreated to my room when an argument started heating up.

    I just want to enjoy my visit, but feel it's not going to be possible.

    I really don't think I can stay in her home anymore, but at the same time, I DO WANT TO SEE HER AND MY GRANDS. I know it will hurt her feelings if I don't stay and I don't want to cause more problems.

    This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time.

    I left and checked into a hotel.

    My question is, HOW DO I TELL HER I WILL NOT STAY AT HER HOME ANYMORE. :-(

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Tell her that you understand she has limited space so in order to not burden her further you will be staying at a hotel when you visit.

    When I lived out of state my relatives were always telling me I could stay with them. I never did, because I was used to living alone and liked to have my own space where I was free to spread out as much as I wanted. When I explained this to them they were completely understanding.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Tell her that you understand she has limited space so in order to not burden her further you will be staying at a hotel when you visit.

    When I lived out of state my relatives were always telling me I could stay with them. I never did, because I was used to living alone and liked to have my own space where I was free to spread out as much as I wanted. When I explained this to them they were completely understanding.
    Not even that. Just say you prefer a hotel. All familial and friendly guests know they're welcome to crash at our house free of cost. Still, there are a few who prefer getting a hotel room. We don't even have kids, dogs, or a tumultuous marriage to complicate anything. We invested more in guest bedding than we did our own (not that we don't appropriate it in between visits). Doesn't gotta be about burdening or not burdening us. Some folks just prefer their own space, even if it comes out of pocket. Your daughter's got her own end of things, but I doubt she's deficient. Just let her know you missed your evening of a hot bath and shows, and that you'll be around in the morning.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your daughter lives with her father? You don't need to comment on her living arrangements or announce that you won't be staying with her so she asks you "why?" and then you tell her why.

    Knowing this is an ongoing problem and that you do not visit often, just stay in a hotel again next time citing some sort of reason other than you think she and her roommate and your ex are slobs..
    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time. I left and checked into a hotel. My question is, HOW DO I TELL HER I WILL NOT STAY AT HER HOME ANYMORE.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Precisely, sue.

    "This is not a new problem. This has been going on for years, but only seems to be getting worse with time.
    "


    Knowing what you always knew about the ongoing situation perhaps a better idea to go straight to a hotel in the first instance.

    Next time (if you really want a next time of more of the same) then just go straight to a hotel, book in, no further explanations.

    Take care

  7. #6
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    Who is arguing?

    If her dad is sick, how will they continue to live? I know that she has never had a job and has no desire to get one.

    The hotel sounds like a good option.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-10-2020 at 03:42 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Whenever I make a decision without disclosing details, I never explain. Just do it. Tell her that you will stay at a hotel, visit and then go back to your hotel. After that, you will travel back to your home. These healthy boundaries for yourself will help save your sanity.

    I never explain myself anymore. I do what I want, when I want and I don't allow anyone to get in my way. I don't need anyone's approval nor permission to do as I will. Have a new mindset and you will be a changed person. Change the way you think because this new way of thinking will make you feel self confident, secure and you'll have higher self esteem than ever before.

  9. #8
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    Well, without outing the elephant in the room (and its odors), just say you get better rest at a hotel.

    Of course, as the mother/grandmother, why don't you just help cleanup and or offer to get cleaning products?

    How come you can't ask your own daughter why she lives in filth?

    And as for the leech of a "friend" parked on the couch, could ask her to join you in mopping the floor.

    I don't know why tiptoeing is the best course.

    If it were me? I'd even enlist the grandkids to help clean.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Just book a hotel for yourself and then tell her where you will stay. No need for explanations, tho I do think she needs to be told you don't like to atmosphere at her house.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    My daughter, who has a severe case of ADHD, and diagnosed with ODD, can be a real challenge.
    She lives with her father whose health is complicated by many health issues, and just recently after her SO, bailed on her before the baby's birth, she has allowed a friend to move in with her, along with friend's 9 year old son. The friend (a female) is staying there to help my daughter with the baby.

    it's the drama that is going on at different times of the day. There seems to be a tremendous amount of conflict, yelling, screaming, at one another--not at me---in addition to the unsanitary living conditions. I am not expecting her house to look in pristine condition, but I will take a messy house over an unsanitary one. The entire home smells like urine. The odor is over-powering enough that it is nauseating. There are four animals that live there.
    The combination of the arguing, shouting matches, and the unsanitary living conditions..
    ..
    I know I may get flamed for this, but I would call CPS as this is no way a baby/children should be brought up in such an unsanitary environment together with all the screaming and yelling etc etc. It sounds horrendous. My heart goes out to the children. It's just not right (imo).

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