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Thread: Long-distance relationship and watching porn

  1. #1
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    Long-distance relationship and watching porn

    Hi

    I have been in a relationship with this guy for 5 months now but we've been talking to each other for about 8 months. It started off as a long distance relationship where we would communicate regularly on the phone and finally decided to meet. The attraction was mutual and has been since then. However, due to unforeseen circumstances I had to move even further away (different continent and time zone) around a month after we met. This did not affect our communication in anyway since we're anticipating being together in the next few months (me moving to a new country permanently). He is a great guy very respectful, caring towards me and his own family. In a way, he is the kind of guy I always wanted and was happy to finally meet someone like him.

    Recently, I happened to go through his instagram followers list and realized that he follows a bunch of pornstars/naked/semi-naked instagram models. Not only that but he also likes those pictures although not of any one model in particular. It's more sporadic. This started messing with my mind and I would find myself spending hours trying to look into this more and more. I am aware that he watches porn and we've talked about masturbation and how it helps his release stress since we're not together and cannot indulge in any form of physical intimacy.

    I gave all this some thought for a while and came to the conclusion that it is harmless since there is no personal connection between the models and him anyways. However, I just noticed that he is continuing to add more of such people and this time the model/pornstar sent him a request back which he has accepted. His is not an open account where anybody could just follow him. This has sent my mind into overdrive and I'm thinking if this could lead to the possibility of starting a conversation/live web cam session which I dont think i will be ok with. But there is no way of knowing that. Wanna know if I'm being unreasonable by doubting him or is it ok for the time being to follow insta models since we're not together in person to engage in any form of personal contact. Also, when we did meet a few months ago on our date he developed blue balls since we started making out the first day but I wasnt ready for sex yet. But a couple of days into it I was more open, however by then he was not able to maintain an erection and we couldnt do it. He sais it had never happened before. Don't know if this is an issue arising out of continuous sexual stimulation or something else. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Read articles on guys who overdo it with porn and masturbation. It actually changes the wiring in their brain, and they can no longer get excited by the real live woman right in front of them. Their go-to turn on is fixated on porn, and it's also less effort to turn on themselves versus putting in the effort with a woman.

    IMO, people who enter LDRs often are not emotionally ready to be in a real relationship, or they have something to hide, or their behavior has been a turn off to local prospects.

    I myself like a man who has healthy hobbies/interests. Fixating on women as mere sexual objects and gazing at their images all day would be a gross turn off for me. And you've probably only scratched the surface of his issues since you've barely been together. If you don't heed these red flags now, you deserve the train wreck that is about to be your life.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you meet just this one time? You are right, there is no way of knowing because you have spent almost no time together and barely know each other. What you do know is that you are not sexually compatible.
    Originally Posted by Mnmny

    finally decided to meet. we're anticipating being together in the next few months (me moving to a new country permanently).

    But there is no way of knowing that.

    when we did meet a few months ago he was not able to maintain an erection and we couldnt do it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree with Andrina.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How did you "meet" or run into each other on the web? Did you meet on a website or chatline? I agree with the other comments above from other members.

    He may have these ladies on his instagram account because he's already been a client of theirs for years before you ever showed up on the scene.

    It's very easy to fake a persona on the surface in one meeting. Be cautious and start mingling more with local friends in your new town. This person is not a good choice - there are a lot of red flags and the number one issue is it being a long distance relationship with a person you hardly know. Start listening to your instincts and thank your lucky stars that you saw his social media accounts.

    Having these lady friends never came up in conversation until you saw what was there on your own. Can you imagine what else he has omitted and hasn't told you that you'll have to find out on your own as you get to know him?

    Also, please do not send this person money even if he asks for it or whatever story he wants to feed you next about what a great person he is. You said you have plans to move there in a few months and I think that's a prime opportunity for him to ask you to wire him money as there's a transition period where people are vulnerable and are already committed to something big and life-changing.

  7. #6
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    Personally, my husband watching porn does not bother me as i watch it myself! Sometimes it is just for a quick 'sex fix' lol.
    But becoming friends with porn stars on Instagram is a bit strange. The only way to get some answers is to ask him. But i would also question why you both feel the need for a LDR? Commitment issues?

  8. #7
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    I find it rather sleezy when grown men do this sort of thing on social media. To me, it's something a horny teenager might do.

    To be clear, I don't take issue with watching porn in the privacy on one's home. Not at all. But (semi-) public ogling and especially knowing you can see it suggests this guy doesn't have a very good filter or sense of discretion. That would turn me off, even it never amounted to anything more. I prefer a man with more mature conduct.

    It sounds like you agreed to commit to a guy who you still don't actually know that well, and can't see very much in the flesh. And what he is showing you is unbecoming. Is it worth it, in the end?

  9. #8
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    over doing anything in life has always got its consequences, he wont change unless he feels so.The problem is when you have social media platforms like instagram, facebook and the likes, you start following all these porn stars and apparently you have kids and family following you they all can see your likes and stories.His addiction can unknowingly cause more harm to many who follows him unless he got a secretive account to do all this.
    Am not sure he may be aware as well but he is definitely quite irresponsible with his actions. Sorry you are going through this but its not something you need to put up with.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You are not over reacting. It's one thing to have private time, and indulge in a little porn, but to be a follower of multiple porn starts to the extreme is an obsession...this would be a deal breaker for me. 5 months in....hardly worth it hun. Kick him to the curb.

  11. #10
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    Thank you guys for your positive replies. I think the picture that I painted about this guy may have given a slightly wrong impression. This is a guy I met on a site more inclined towards serious relationships than for e. g tinder. So it was very clear from the beginning that we were both looking for a potential long time partner and not just a fling. At the time we were living a few hours from each other. I was also in the process of moving to his city soon but things took a turn with my job and with all thatís going on with the pandemic I had to move back to my home country temporarily. He has been very supportive throughout the process and very much his. We have even told our families about us and Iíve even spoken to them a few times. I still feel he is not someone who is into cheating and all that given that he has very strong family values. Whenever we talk he doesnít give me the impression that he doesnít care and has reassured me thatís heís there for me whenever I need him. My mind was messed up only after I saw his Instagram followers which was much after we met. He has been the same throughout this whole duration. There is also no way of knowing if he added most of them before or after we met. Heís older in his late thirties (Iím in my early 30ís) and has been single for some time. I donít want to do anything with what he was doing before we got to know each other. My point here is once we decided to get serious should he have cleaned his follower list and discontinued with the ďlikesĒ or is it not a big deal since we are not able to experience any form of physical intimacy at the moment and he is just getting his share of visual inputs? He has also mentioned that he is more of a physical person when it comes to expressing love and this LDR is hard for him. Same goes with me but I think as a woman I am able to have a better control on my desires. Once again I am ok if he indulges in porn time to time but with following instagram models there is a more or less a continuous flow of these images that he probably sees throughout the day. Thatís what bothers me more. I only hope that is does not affect his sexual encounters with me in person. He was very affection at the time we met but unfortunately that was our only chance to meet in person until next time. I donít want to just walk away based on this alone but I cannot think of a way to bring this up with coming across as a stalker or a controlling person. Looking for any words of advice or reassurance that although not normal such things are quite common these days given that technology has made everything so accessible.

    Appreciate your responses. Thanks!

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