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Thread: Long-distance relationship and watching porn

  1. #11
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    Do you think there is potential for this habit to change if I spoke to him about how much it bothers me? If he had been following these models when he was single I canít say much about it I feel because as a single guy he probably resorted to these ways of satisfying his needs. I know for sure that he is not the kind of guy to go around smashing girls. However Iím not sure how to approach this issue when we canít even have a face to face conversation at this time. For a feed days in between I stopped looking through his list and checking what heíd liked but just yesterday i saw that he was following more people and when I checked it was another sexual account. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it won't change things. He has only invested in one meeting with you. If he has an interest in meeting again, he may hide it better. However the net result could be that you are perceived as controlling, insecure or nagging.

    The best thing to do is decide if continuing to invest too much in a LDR that is unsatisfying is worth your while.
    Originally Posted by Mnmny
    Do you think there is potential for this habit to change if I spoke to him about how much it bothers me? he was following more people and when I checked it was another sexual account.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's how I'd look at this:

    Let's say you were writing in 1980 instead of 2020. What would you be describing here? It would be a nice enough guy you met who, you discovered, subscribes to Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler, and tapes some photos from those magazines on the walls of one room of his home. The one with the pool table, say, and the mini fridge with beer. Is what it is: a way some men live. Now you get to decide: is that the kind of man you want see about living with?

    If you want to assure yourself that this is quite common these daysówell, go for it. It is quite common, as the small nation of "followers" of those thirst traps shows, just as the success of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler once showed. This is not a new story, in short, but a very old story. The question I'd ask is whether you want it to be part of your story, and then proceed from there.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mnmny
    Do you think there is potential for this habit to change if I spoke to him about how much it bothers me?
    Sure, there's the potential. If he hates himself enoughówhich, mind you, is very different than liking you a whole lotóyou might be able to tap into that shame a bit, see about editing him down into a more palatable shape and form. But is this who you want to be in a relationship? That's the more important question, particularly at this stage, when you're talking about someone you hardly know, have no history with, and are staring at a number of variables that make an actual relationship very challenging.

    Are you looking for someone to shape and mold, or someone who lives on a level that matches the level you live on?

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  6. #15
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    What would concern me is even needing to have such a talk with a man in his late 30s about this to begin with.

    I would be wary of the fact that he hasnít already reached a point of more mature behaviour on his own.

  7. #16
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    Well you are very right in saying that if he was already following all these pornstars before he even met you, then he didn't even do anything wrong. He just didn't unfollow them. Also I don't mean to be rude but are you guys actually in a real relationship? You met in person only once, you hardly know this guy. Talking on the phone and text doesn't allow you to truly know the person at all. Are you saying you are exclusive after meeting only one time? It sounds to me like you're expecting too much from him and expecting a serious relationship after meeting once. And trying to police his social media after meeting only once. It's totally up to you if you want to continue dating him or not because he follows these pornstars and models.

    If it was me personally I wouldn't care. But you are allowed to mind it if that's how you feel. I wouldn't mind it if he just looked at those women's pictures and masturbated to them. I watch porn myself and I also follow hot models on Instagram, both male and female (I'm bisexual). I'm very chilled about this but I guess as long as my partner didn't actually cheat on me. E.g. had real sex or cyber sex, cam sex with these people. I also know that if they are celebrities then it's not like my partner would have a chance with them. Most likely he would only be looking at their photos. Again up to you what you think, personally it wouldn't bother me.

    Also in long distance you can still do sexual things on web cam or at least sending sexy messages to each other. If you've been in this relationship long then you can still do those things. You don't have to have sex with him if you don't want to but you also have to realise that people do have a sex drive and need some release. I know you don't know if he's actually chatting with any of these women. You can ask him if you want to know and see what he says.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You decided he's the guy you've been waiting for before you had all the facts. Now that assertion is making it difficult for you to detach.

    Instead of that, how about you view him as a man you really don't know all that well? And then decide accordingly.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He sounds addicted to porn. Everything you described, including losing his erection, are all typical signs of porn addiction.

    He has gone way past what's normal and you won't ever have a normal sex life with this guy.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    We have even told our families about us and Iíve even spoken to them a few times. I still feel he is not someone who is into cheating and all that given that he has very strong family values. Whenever we talk he doesnít give me the impression that he doesnít care and has reassured me thatís heís there for me whenever I need him.
    He can tell you anything he thinks you want to hear, that doesn't make it the truth. For all you know, he's been engaging with hookers. You don't him well enough and whatever he does actually get into, he's not going to admit that to you.

    The fact alone that he told you about "blue balls" on a first meet, is gross. I mean, come on, can he not be a gentleman and try to have some kind of romance?

    He doesn't sound like a catch at all to me.

  11. #20
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    I get what you guys are saying and I agree with the part that this behavior might not change. Itís a bit confusing to me as he is a completely different guy in person and itís hard to believe that he might ever cheat or hook up with total strangers. What I am more worried is the porn addiction part? Donít know if this behavior counts as that because he is good at balancing his work life and getting other things done in time. In my gut I feel like I should give it another chance before even thinking about a breakup. It was just unfortunate that we got separated by such a long distance shortly after we met. We also talk about a future together and discuss stuff like that. One thing I realize is that long distance is hard and it requires a great amount of patience and commitment to hold on together. Had we been together in person I would have brought up this issue as soon as I came to know if it and then taken it from there. A LDR leaves a lot of room for speculation and issues that are difficult to address over phone or video call. I have never felt a connection like this with anyone before and I was drawn to him because of his consistency in communication and seriousness of wanting to be in a committed relationship. I am a person who has a tendency to overthink A LOT . That hasnít done me any good in the past. I have decided to forget about it for a while and focus on the time that we spend talking to each other. If these feelings continue to persist or bother me I will talk to him just to know his side of the story. Right now, Iím too focused on the negative and I feel I need a more open mind to be able to understand things better without any judgement. I will keep you guys posted on how this goes. Thanks for all your inputs.

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