Born by mistake

Up to this day I still can't find my purpose to this life. Sometimes living feels like a punishment because pain is what I feel daily. As it is, I have socializing difficulties and always wanting to be alone. Truth is, I feel letting people in would result in being hurt and also me hurting them. Hence I feel like my existence brings massive pain than happiness. I always find myself trying to please the other party and putting myself last. Whenever I disappoint, I tend to punish myself. Whenever I feel mad, hurt and hopeless I cut myself numb the emotional pain. The only way to put an end to this endless pain I'm feeling is to stop breathing. I feel the world would alright without me, besides my existence don't have any effect on this world, and I'm better of dead. I'm not built to live here, I'm too weak. I wish to sleep and never wake up. I mean what's the point of living a painful life. I just don't wanna be the one taking my own life because I don't wanna seem "selfish" , but I honestly see no purpose of my life.

Do you have anyone nearby to confide in, OP?

You could use some therapy, even if it's online.

It sounds like you are in crisis. Call for help.

Someone will listen compassionately and help you:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Whenever I feel mad, hurt and hopeless I cut myself numb the emotional pain. The only way to put an end to this endless pain I'm feeling is to stop breathing. I'm better of dead.

Please notify a loved one that you are suicidal. And please reach out via a hotline or online support from someone who specializes in suicidal ideation.

NTG,

I second Wiseman's advice. Please keep us posted, as we're always here to listen.

Hi NTG,

I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now and I understand that life seems impossible at the moment. However, please know that you are not alone in this. We are here for you! Did something happen to make you start feeling this way?

You're very courageous for posting about your situation on enotalone. Feel free to share anything else you'd like with us. The community here is very nice. :-)

greendots

To the posters calling OP selfish and immature, that is EXACTLY what you DON'T say to someone who is suicidal. You just have to listen to the person and be supportive. What good does judging them and calling them ungrateful do? People can feel suicidal for all sorts of reasons and while the reasons may seem trivial to some, they aren't to that person. Some people have serious mental illness and it's a chemical illness, it's out of their control. The same as if a person had a physical illness. We don't say to someone with diabetes "stop being so self absorbed about your diabetes". I really hope you won't say this to anyone suicidal in real life because it's very unhelpful. It's important to have skills how to talk to someone suicidal because you never know when you might come across it.

OP, I think you really need to seek help. I've felt suicidal before and I even attempted it a couple of times. I can relate to you completely. But the fact that you are actually posting on this forum shows that maybe there's a part of you that doesn't want to die. You're trying to reach out for help. But being strangers on the Internet we can't really do much. You need to talk to people you know, any friends or family you might have. Call a suicide help line, call the hospital or actually go to the hospital. I think you need support, maybe counselling or to go on medication. You are trying to find help, I can tell.

I’m so sorry OP that you’re feeling so sad. I know those thoughts all too well, but you have a purpose! You have those that love you so you serve a purpose for them. Things will get better but in the meantime you need to get help to get out of such a dark place. There are those who can help alleviate the mental anguish. You should call the number wiseman gave you.

Don’t give up on yourself or life. It’s just one bad day out of many good ones.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You are not, nor was your birth a mistake. You need to talk to a professional. But I wanted to post a reply to tell you, these feelings and your situation can change. And you deserve for that to happen. You are worthy and good enough. You can improve your life. Hugs to you.

Hi there, I don’t agree with what you posted at all. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Your life is worth living. I have felt so terrible at times in my life, but I made it through. You will make through this. You are not alone, even if you feel like you are. You may not have anyone close to talk to, but there are always people on the internet and therapists! I even talk to my grandparents in heaven sometimes. I just talk out loud and it makes me feel better. When I’m really down, I listen to guided meditation to help me through my emotions and it is healing. Hope you’re feeling better today ❤️