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Thread: Girlfriend breaks up with me as Iím getting job offers in her city, what to do?

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend breaks up with me as Iím getting job offers in her city, what to do?

    Long story short, me and my girlfriend met while we were abroad. We were from different schools but at the same exchange program, sheís from TX Iím from NY. At the end of the exchange, we decided we were too good for each other to just give up going back home, so we decided to do LDR. It was going perfectly. We would see each other 1-2 long weekends a month so we were lucky, weíve been doing LDR since Aug, til now. In may we both just graduated from college, as we were in our senior years upon return. We had zero major problems ( asides from the occasional boredom and frustration here and there LDR brings) and we would always talk about ending up in the same city. However because of covid we havenít been able to see each other since March and that has taken an effect.

    All of a sudden, after almost 2 years, she brings up that she doesnít see a future with me. She loves me, doesnít want me out her life, but just has a random feeling and she doesnít understand why that she canít see us together in the future. And itís hard because if she doesnít even know what it is, then neither of us can do much. She just says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants, and she doesnít exepecf me to be waiting around for her.

    I was heartbroken and pleased we can get through this together, but she said she needs to be alone. Weíd allow one of us to do things, give each other space etc. All her friends and family have told her that she'll never find someone that loves her and cares for her more than me and she should think this through. And whenever we were together in person, we were as happiest as could be. There'd be times where she'd lay down next to me and say our relationship is so perfect that we couldn't have sex and it'd still be just as perfect. She has a long history of getting in her head and thinking about the worst-case scenarios about everything, that there's always a problem with something even when there's not. She always tells me how crazy she is and says "if I was you I'd of broken up with me along time ago." But I tell her well that just shows how much I love you. I personally think this is the result of her being in her head and just overthinking/getting anxious. We haven't seen each other in 4 months, obviously lots of issues will come of that, longest we've ever gone was a month. I 100% feel if we just see each other in person, we'd feel so much again. But maybe thatís just being optimistic. I know our spark disconnected during this time and sheíd always always say how she wants to fight for us, but now all of a sudden, itís gone.


    My problem is, when we were still together, we would always talk about finally ending up in the same city after college, and it always made more sense for me to come to her city. So when we were still together I would apply for jobs in her city, but also all over the world. Right after she broke up with me, I received interviews for the first time from any of the jobs I applied to, and of course they were only in her city. I feel like the universe is trying to bring us together. We talked for the first time in a month and we were happy, loving, joking, smiling etc. She told me she doesn't see us getting back together now, even if I come there. But we still don't want each other out of our lives, she still says how much she loves and cares for me and I do too. She suggested to just be friends for now, and I initially refused, but when we talked I accepted. Because during this pandemic, neither one of us are probably gona have the chance to meet new people, new friends groups etc. I love her friends because they're my friends too and I've talked to them about this, but they have no idea whats going on in her head either. There's no other guy or anything like that. In addition to her always reverting to worst case scenarios in her head, I think she had abandonment issues as well. Her mom had her at 17 and the father ran off and she never met him. Her mother later re married and had another kid but got divorced only a couple years later. So her mom has kind of projected these things onto her growing up.

    My hope is that this whole thing is because we lost our flame or excitement not seeing each other for so long, and if we remained friends for now, when we first see each other again after this long, and realize how much we love being with each other, it'll flair back up again. Because I know how much she loves us, I know how much we mean to her. I just don't get why she wants to give up out of frustration if she truly thinks these things about us, why would she not see a future with me? She has a stable job, we're both in the same friend group who loves us together, I will have a stable job in her city, it's all aligning perfectly and I don't see how I can move on without her.

    I was stubborn in the beginning about moving to her city though. I always tried to play it off like it wasnít my dream or it wasnít that feasible for my job career and I apologized to her for that. Because she started to think that if I moved down there for her Iíd be unhappy in her city, with my job, my life and end up resenting her for doing this for her. So maybe itíll take me actually taking the job offer in her city and showing her that Iím happy there and have a stable career there and will be happy regardless, but Iím just hoping for anything. If I move there itíll 100% be for my job and career first and if itís my best option. But of course if itís in her city thereís ALWAYS gona be a part of me hoping we work out. But at the same time, a part of me just hopes I get a job in Europe or somewhere so I can just forget about all of this and start a new chapter. Sheís the first one to say everything happens for a reason, well, maybe me getting a job in her city is the reason.

    There was no fundamental issues with our relationship, we didnít lose our trust, or lie or have a big fight or anything like that. Her major doubts were about where we were gona end up after college, but now thatís fixed, weíre both in the same city if I take this offer. Maybe she was just too deep in the thought process of breaking up and accepting it that she didnít wana turn back or even knows how she feels yet once I got these offers? Iím just so conflicted on what to do
    Last edited by Balkan; 07-10-2020 at 04:18 AM.

  2. #2
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    I was stubborn in the beginning about moving to her city though. I always tried to play it off like it wasnít my dream or it wasnít that feasible for my job career and I apologized to her for that. Because she started to think that if I moved down there for her Iíd be unhappy in her city, with my job, my life and end up resenting her for doing this for her. So maybe itíll take me actually taking the job offer in her city and showing her that Iím happy there and have a stable career there and will be happy regardless, but Iím just hoping for anything. If I move there itíll 100% be for my job and career first and if itís my best option.

    Looks like your game playing didnít pay off for you?

    Why on earth would you tell her that moving to her city wasnít feasible ? And now say that if you moved there it would be 100% for your job and your best option??

    Donít dare turn this on her and start surmising that she has abandonment issues!!!
    Especially since you claim to have known this and threatened abandonment by not wanting to move to her city. Even though you now admit itís the best career choice for you? Talk about sticking a knife in and then twisting it!??

    Do her a favour. If you accept a job in her city , delete her number. And block.

    She doesnít need you in her life and actively chose to end it for good reason.

    Make your career choice but donít include her friends in it.
    They are her friends not yours.

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    It hurts, but she knows herself better than you do. She knows she doesn't have the right feelings to continue and it wouldn't be fair to you to keep this going.

    If you do wind up taking a job in her city, understand that she would just be a friend you know there. Understand that while she might not have another guy in her life right now, she could indeed meet someone else. She's made herself single, and thus open to other options. How will you feel if you go there and come to find out she's started seeing someone else? Would it still be the best choice for you? While it's not impossible that being in the same vicinity could reignite a spark, I also wouldn't rule out the chance that she won't be interested in trying and eventually dates other guys.

    Despite what she's telling you, this change in feelings likely did not strike randomly. She probably has a clearer understanding of why she feels this way, but is editing details to avoid hurting you further. I personally think that unless this really is the best career choice for you, you would be wise to keep your options open for jobs in other places.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    She's trying to do a slow fade to ensure the least drama. You're grasping for straws, reasoning about why she's doing what she's doing because of her past, how the universe is routing for your relationship, and how her mind might be changed if you move by her.

    A woman thinks long and hard before ending things, knowing that spells forever.

    I'd avoid accepting any employment in her area and go no contact for closure. The right person will never dump you. Not even once. Staying friends with an ex will usually drive away any potential future romantic prospects.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When someone tells you point blank that you should start dating others, that's about as clear as a person can be that they really no longer care about you or what you do or with who.

    She knows her mind and she knows why she dumped you, she just isn't willing to get into that argument with you. If you behaved with her like you describe, it's no great mystery what her reasons are and no, you can't walk back what you showed her of yourself and your personality. Moving to her city and getting a job won't wipe away how you treated her or who you are.

    She dumped you because she actually thought it through. You don't even respect her enough to accept her decision gracefully. Your first go to is "how can I manipulate her".....which is exactly why she dumped you in the first place. Oh the irony.....

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She sounds quite resolute that she does not want to continue the relationship. Try to take a job offer of your dreams, not to be near her.

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    No one threatened anything....jeez lol. We were ALREADY an LDR, how is me saying her job market isnít the best for my career abandonment????? Because it wasnít...her citys job market is VERY tech and nothing much in my field..we both knew this and knew itíd always be a problem. She knows itís not my dream city or dream career path to be there, and she didnít want me to choose her over my career. She was flexible with us choosing a neutral city at first that benefits both of us but then realized she just wants to stay in hers from now. So I tried to make the best of it. No one threatened anything like what are you even saying?

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I was stubborn in the beginning about moving to her city though. I always tried to play it off like it wasnít my dream or it wasnít that feasible for my job career and I apologized to her for that. Because she started to think that if I moved down there for her Iíd be unhappy in her city, with my job, my life and end up resenting her for doing this for her. So maybe itíll take me actually taking the job offer in her city and showing her that Iím happy there and have a stable career there and will be happy regardless, but Iím just hoping for anything. If I move there itíll 100% be for my job and career first and if itís my best option.

    Looks like your game playing didnít pay off for you?

    Why on earth would you tell her that moving to her city wasnít feasible ? And now say that if you moved there it would be 100% for your job and your best option??

    Donít dare turn this on her and start surmising that she has abandonment issues!!!
    Especially since you claim to have known this and threatened abandonment by not wanting to move to her city. Even though you now admit itís the best career choice for you? Talk about sticking a knife in and then twisting it!??

    Do her a favour. If you accept a job in her city , delete her number. And block.

    She doesnít need you in her life and actively chose to end it for good reason.

    Make your career choice but donít include her friends in it.
    They are her friends not yours.
    No one threatened anything....jeez lol. We were ALREADY an LDR, how is me saying her job market isnít the best for my career abandonment????? Because it wasnít...her citys job market WASNíT feasible for me ever, it is VERY tech and nothing much in my field..we both knew this and knew itíd always be a problem. She knows itís not my dream city or dream career path to be there, and she didnít want me to choose her over my career. She was flexible with us choosing a neutral city at first that benefits both of us but then realized she just wants to stay in hers from now. So I tried to make the best of it. No one threatened anything like what are you even saying?

    I think youíre completely mis understanding what I said.... her city was NEVER the top city for me and Iíve been applying to jobs in her city for months, never got anything. We both knew wherever I got a job offer I am going to have to take it. Youíre acting like I got this offer and I knew Iíd get a job there, and told her itís hard for me to move to her city and I canít see myself living there...thatís not the case at ALL. Now with the pandemic, and with this being my only concrete offer, yes it is the best offer possible..because itís the only one I have. But if I got this 2 months ago I wouldíve told her Iím so happy because I just got an offer in your city and we can finally start this for real again.

    Itís the basic fact we both knew how hard her city was for getting me a job and it was never and still will never be my dream job market for my career. But now, I have an offer there and its changed..maybe read the full thing before you state accusing people of things without having the full picture or thinking whatever you want to think
    Last edited by Balkan; 07-10-2020 at 12:03 PM.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    When someone tells you point blank that you should start dating others, that's about as clear as a person can be that they really no longer care about you or what you do or with who.

    She knows her mind and she knows why she dumped you, she just isn't willing to get into that argument with you. If you behaved with her like you describe, it's no great mystery what her reasons are and no, you can't walk back what you showed her of yourself and your personality. Moving to her city and getting a job won't wipe away how you treated her or who you are.

    She dumped you because she actually thought it through. You don't even respect her enough to accept her decision gracefully. Your first go to is "how can I manipulate her".....which is exactly why she dumped you in the first place. Oh the irony.....

    No one ever said to start dating others. All she said was she needed time and space to think what she wants. She doesnít wana date new people right now. All her friends and family and herself knows I was the best guy to ever and will ever be in her life. I spent thousands to travel to her to keep the LDR stable because she wasnít allowed to travel to see me, her mom wouldnít let her. We both treated each other amazingly. Where is the manipulation going on???? She originally told me sheíd be ok with moving to a neutral city that benefits both of us because her job market wasnít the best for either and she knew that, but she decided she wanted this stay where sheís at and I tried to make the best of it.
    This relationship was already an LDR and already one sided with me doing all the work to spend the money and come visit her because she couldnít, which is why I wanted us to agree on a mutual city for both of us. Not have be fo all the work in the LDR then keep doing it by moving to her city that doesnít benefit me career wise.

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    It hurts, but she knows herself better than you do. She knows she doesn't have the right feelings to continue and it wouldn't be fair to you to keep this going.

    If you do wind up taking a job in her city, understand that she would just be a friend you know there. Understand that while she might not have another guy in her life right now, she could indeed meet someone else. She's made herself single, and thus open to other options. How will you feel if you go there and come to find out she's started seeing someone else? Would it still be the best choice for you? While it's not impossible that being in the same vicinity could reignite a spark, I also wouldn't rule out the chance that she won't be interested in trying and eventually dates other guys.

    Despite what she's telling you, this change in feelings likely did not strike randomly. She probably has a clearer understanding of why she feels this way, but is editing details to avoid hurting you further. I personally think that unless this really is the best career choice for you, you would be wise to keep your options open for jobs in other places.
    I agree it didnít come randomly. She started to feel this way in end of March April before breaking off in may. During this period I was almost depressed because things at home werenít great. My dad has to shut down his shop and my mom was a nurse in the COVID hotspot and I was just always worrying because money was real tight. And instead of opening up to her about this emotionally, I kind of just kept in my shell to everyone, which was my mistake. I didnít give her enough attention or attend to her neediness which she is always reminding me she needs from me, and I let it get away from us.

    Sheís not the girl who just dates any guys, sheís 24 and has only dated 3 guys, and during the pandemic, itís going to be hard for anyone to find anyone new, especially because shes in a hotspot. But thatís the thing she doesnít even want to, she said she just needs this time to figure out what she wants, not to go date other people. Thatís why a part of me feels that if we just reignite what we lost weíd be back and better than before. LDR was hard for us, especially her. She needs that physical attraction and physical connection which is why Iíd fly to her once or twice a month to keep it all smooth until we ended up in the same city. But after 4 months of none of that, itís changed a lot of things

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