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Thread: Girlfriend breaks up with me as Iím getting job offers in her city, what to do?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Balkan
    It wasnít the lack of interest in wanting to live with her in her city, it was just the lack of available jobs in my field in her city. Iím in diplomacy and the jobs usually are only in cities like NY, DC, Chicago etc..wasnít anything in her city pretty much. Which is why we originally talked about moving to a neutral city thatíd fit both of us. But she later told me she only sees herself in TX for the time being and doesnít wana leave. I respected that and said I will apply to any type of job that seems to interest me in her city then, even if itís not in my field/career path, and thatís what I did and thatís the offer I got.

    Would I be happy there without me and her being together? Probably not. Because her and her Friends would be the only people Iíd know there, and of course with the pandemic, itís gona be hard to meet and start a new social group wherever I go, so Iíd be alone there if we donít work out, but Iíd be alone no matter where I go for the time being anyway. The only friends Iíd have in her city would be hers, and I love them and they love me and theyíd hang out with me but itíd be strange at the same time Iíd assume
    Do you mean you accepted a job that was not within your field or desired field in order to be closer to her?

    I can see why you're so attached to the idea of the relationship if so. If you don't mind me saying, you haven't thought of yourself as an individual. You keep reverting back to both of you as a couple and what your ideas were like as a couple.

    My only suggestion to you is to focus on the move if you still want to move and accept this job and start getting back on your own two feet.

    I think there's the weight of the world on your shoulders and guilting her into a relationship or carrying that weight is not something anyone wants to be a part of. I'm speaking very frankly from a relationship standpoint. It's unattractive unfortunately and it only shows to another person that you're not able to sustain your identity, your goals, hopes, dreams without that person and you are even willing to give up something critical about yourself that makes you you to be with that person.

    This loss of identity isn't sustainable over a long period of time. It's a huge burden for the other partner to carry.

    Explore your new city and keep your eyes peeled for opportunities that you would really like to work in or get involved in. Maybe you're not paid for it right away but you can also volunteer and help the community in different ways. You're stuck in this relationship and ended up giving up parts of yourself in order to make it work when it's already not working. I feel like you are clinging to this as a comfort rather than striking out into the unknown on your own terms.

  2. #32
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    Has she already agreed to see you if you go to her city, OP?

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Do you mean you accepted a job that was not within your field or desired field in order to be closer to her?

    I can see why you're so attached to the idea of the relationship if so. If you don't mind me saying, you haven't thought of yourself as an individual. You keep reverting back to both of you as a couple and what your ideas were like as a couple.

    My only suggestion to you is to focus on the move if you still want to move and accept this job and start getting back on your own two feet.

    I think there's the weight of the world on your shoulders and guilting her into a relationship or carrying that weight is not something anyone wants to be a part of. I'm speaking very frankly from a relationship standpoint. It's unattractive unfortunately and it only shows to another person that you're not able to sustain your identity, your goals, hopes, dreams without that person and you are even willing to give up something critical about yourself that makes you you to be with that person.

    This loss of identity isn't sustainable over a long period of time. It's a huge burden for the other partner to carry.

    Explore your new city and keep your eyes peeled for opportunities that you would really like to work in or get involved in. Maybe you're not paid for it right away but you can also volunteer and help the community in different ways. You're stuck in this relationship and ended up giving up parts of yourself in order to make it work when it's already not working. I feel like you are clinging to this as a comfort rather than striking out into the unknown on your own terms.
    I 100% get where youíre coming from. But at the same time, I just graduated college into probably the worst job market ever. I cannot be picky right now, and sheís told me that before. You canít get your dream job/field right out of college. You gota take whateverís given to you to just get experience and money and put something on your resume. And I think during this time period that applies more than ever. Because itís not like Iím in my 30s with a stable and set career path or job that I canít get out of. Iím 23 and need to take whateverís given to me right now, I have no real experience. This job I applied to was the closest thing to my field I will probably find right now, and itís a job I will enjoy. So itís not like Iím leaving being a diplomat in NY to become a retail store worker in TX.

    And Iíve for the most part, always put myself first in any situation. The reason we even met in the first place was because of that. I got on a plane alone to go to Europe for an exchange semester without knowing anyone there or coming with me, nor even knowing who my roommates were, and just showed up and started living and getting to know new people, and thatís how we met. I love doing that type of stuff. Could meeting her and this situation be clouding me? Maybe for sure, but neither of us have ever met anyone like each other before, we were both our first serious relationship that we actually cared about and loved every second of it.

    So in this sense, I wouldnít be settling by being there with her. Initially thatís what I originally thought Iíd have to do, but then the pandemic hit and all of any opportunities I had up here got cancelled or postponed. And she even told me that she canít let me settle for her, that itís not my dream and she canít let me do that. And I agreed with her, but right now, based on the details I described I do not think thatís what Iíd be doing. What happens if I donít take this offer? Wait around unemployed and hope another better offer up here is given to me in the next month or so? I donít know if thatís a risk I wana take

  4. #34
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    If this job opportunity is a good one that you'd accept regardless of your status with her, then I say go ahead. You never know what will happen. However, try to be open to the possibility that you might end up with someone else who is a better fit for you.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She's quite clearly telling you the opposite though, my friend.

    For whatever reason, she wants to be apart from you more than she wants to be with you. Maybe it's because she thought you wouldn't be happy in her area or that the relationship would never progress. Maybe there's more to it that she's opted not to disclose.

    Don't go to where she is unless you can handle the very real possibility of hearing "thanks, but no thanks" again. She's giving you very little reason to believe that things will turn out otherwise, sadly.
    I donít disagree, and those I know for certain are the biggest reasons. The uncertainty of how she wants to stay in TX and that TX wasnít that feasible for me at the moment, the fact that we felt stuck in our relationship the last couple months. We both just graduated and finding jobs and everything was moving so fast, but our relationship was just kinda stuck because of the pandemic, and we couldnít do much. I felt the same way, I mean going this long without seeing someone you love this much kills you. And I know the feeling was mutual, I know it so bad. And I guess the combination of those things just put her over the top, because these job offers/interviews didnít come until after she ended it.
    Thatís why if she sees that I have an actual career, an actual path and future in her city where she wants to be, which is what she was always having doubts about, sheíll realize that this could work and our spark comes back

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Balkan
    I 100% get where youíre coming from. But at the same time, I just graduated college into probably the worst job market ever. I cannot be picky right now, and sheís told me that before. You canít get your dream job/field right out of college. You gota take whateverís given to you to just get experience and money and put something on your resume. And I think during this time period that applies more than ever. Because itís not like Iím in my 30s with a stable and set career path or job that I canít get out of. Iím 23 and need to take whateverís given to me right now, I have no real experience. This job I applied to was the closest thing to my field I will probably find right now, and itís a job I will enjoy. So itís not like Iím leaving being a diplomat in NY to become a retail store worker in TX.

    And Iíve for the most part, always put myself first in any situation. The reason we even met in the first place was because of that. I got on a plane alone to go to Europe for an exchange semester without knowing anyone there or coming with me, nor even knowing who my roommates were, and just showed up and started living and getting to know new people, and thatís how we met. I love doing that type of stuff. Could meeting her and this situation be clouding me? Maybe for sure, but neither of us have ever met anyone like each other before, we were both our first serious relationship that we actually cared about and loved every second of it.

    So in this sense, I wouldnít be settling by being there with her. Initially thatís what I originally thought Iíd have to do, but then the pandemic hit and all of any opportunities I had up here got cancelled or postponed. And she even told me that she canít let me settle for her, that itís not my dream and she canít let me do that. And I agreed with her, but right now, based on the details I described I do not think thatís what Iíd be doing. What happens if I donít take this offer? Wait around unemployed and hope another better offer up here is given to me in the next month or so? I donít know if thatís a risk I wana take
    Having all of this happen, maybe go into moving for the job as a clean slate and don't hope too much out of this relationship. She could be speaking with other people also and going about and enjoying her independence. I think you're setting yourself up for heartache going there and hoping to be with her. I agree with what Bolt said above.

    Although the love and care for this person remains, I'd be very hesitant and cautious to start a relationship with this person again. When someone shows you what they don't want is you after they've gotten to know you, that's a clear cue to check yourself and accept what they're showing you.

    Stay confident and start making new friends in your new town. What I worry about most about you is that you end up going there without fully realizing that you are completely alone. The idea of her friends or not having her will hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll do poorly in your job, ending up at square one as if you didn't have one in the first place.

    Be careful about where you place your expectations and hopes. Don't set yourself up for unrealistic plans or dreams or go in having the idea that either of you are a couple anymore. You're not. Her connections are not your connections and assuming that they are would be invasive. Go in singularly as an individual and nothing more. Have more faith in yourself that you can make it on your own with or without her. It will make the outcome (whichever way it goes) a lot easier on you in the long run.

    The weight and stress of moving to a new city might be causing you a lot of headache right now and adding to the heartache of these relationship problems. Prove to yourself you can do it without her. You may surprise yourself later on and realize you don't need or want her at all.

    I don't think it's a bad idea to take the job either - just make sure it's for the right reasons. Can you look up volunteer positions in TX also in diplomacy or government? What about forwarding your studies and doing a part time masters program? Did you already complete an MA? I'm not certain of any government positions without a masters or postgrad. What do you need to forward your career?

    No matter what it is or where you are, you can always look at ways of improving yourself. What I'd also worry about in this situation are feelings of disillusionment and discontent with your new job not specializing in the area you studied. You should find another outlet that grounds you and keeps you connected to your passions. Have some kind of balance or 50/50 split - openminded to relationship options in your new town but also dedicated to your career plans.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Balkan
    Thatís why if she sees that I have an actual career, an actual path and future in her city where she wants to be, which is what she was always having doubts about, sheíll realize that this could work and our spark comes back
    What happens if it turns out you're wrong about this?

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    As much as it actually hurts, your feelings and perspective are truly only yours. You can speculate what she does and says till you're blue in the face, but it doesn't make it true.

    I know from my own life and experiences, most people are incapable of being completely honest about the reasons and what the hope is for the future. No matter if its with others or themselves.

    It may come from something I read, that I feel is true... people give us their best. Furthermore, to me, that speaks to our commonalities as humans. We don't want to hurt people, let them down, have them think bad of us, we have our own insecurities, dreams and hopes... you mix that bowl of ingredients, which is very specific to each person, and you get omotivation for actions.

    The best you can do is take care of yourself. Make decisions that serve you. She's bowed out. Let her.

    Whatever the future holds and it sounds like you have a lot of options right now... pick the ones that serve you to bring you the best future. An area with opportunity for your field (so you arent trapped at the only game in town) a good work life balance (so you can meet like minded people with common interests), and best cost of living (bang for your buck).

  10. #39
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Speaking only for myself, I'd handle this in an opposite way. Regardless of where I choose to live or work, if someone didn't see a future with me, I'd say, "I understand, but I'm not interested in sticking around to play friendzies. I'm clear that my agenda is a relationship--so why would I want to hang around the periphery of your life hoping that you'll change your mind? I respect your choice, but I need to heal and move forward. If you ever feel differently and decide that you want a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

    This would liberate me from trying to manipulate, because neither of us could ever trust a choice to be with me due to my influence or pressure from family. That's not good enough for me, and neither are scraps.

    Work and live wherever you want, but if you believe that spending time with someone who breaks up with you will 'work,' that's the perfect way to learn how familiarity breeds contempt.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Having all of this happen, maybe go into moving for the job as a clean slate and don't hope too much out of this relationship. She could be speaking with other people also and going about and enjoying her independence. I think you're setting yourself up for heartache going there and hoping to be with her. I agree with what Bolt said above.

    Although the love and care for this person remains, I'd be very hesitant and cautious to start a relationship with this person again. When someone shows you what they don't want is you after they've gotten to know you, that's a clear cue to check yourself and accept what they're showing you.

    Stay confident and start making new friends in your new town. What I worry about most about you is that you end up going there without fully realizing that you are completely alone. The idea of her friends or not having her will hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll do poorly in your job, ending up at square one as if you didn't have one in the first place.

    Be careful about where you place your expectations and hopes. Don't set yourself up for unrealistic plans or dreams or go in having the idea that either of you are a couple anymore. You're not. Her connections are not your connections and assuming that they are would be invasive. Go in singularly as an individual and nothing more. Have more faith in yourself that you can make it on your own with or without her. It will make the outcome (whichever way it goes) a lot easier on you in the long run.

    The weight and stress of moving to a new city might be causing you a lot of headache right now and adding to the heartache of these relationship problems. Prove to yourself you can do it without her. You may surprise yourself later on and realize you don't need or want her at all.

    I don't think it's a bad idea to take the job either - just make sure it's for the right reasons. Can you look up volunteer positions in TX also in diplomacy or government? What about forwarding your studies and doing a part time masters program? Did you already complete an MA? I'm not certain of any government positions without a masters or postgrad. What do you need to forward your career?

    No matter what it is or where you are, you can always look at ways of improving yourself. What I'd also worry about in this situation are feelings of disillusionment and discontent with your new job not specializing in the area you studied. You should find another outlet that grounds you and keeps you connected to your passions. Have some kind of balance or 50/50 split - openminded to relationship options in your new town but also dedicated to your career plans.
    Youíre probably right this is just setting me up for heart ache. Because I donít think I have it in me to go to her city for a job in a clear state of mind. And if Iím there and a few months down the road sheís with someone else, itíll destroy me inside. Thatís why a part of me just wants to go to Europe and find a job so that I can tell myself this was always logistically impossible. But at the same time, I canít pass up an amazing opportunity of a job simply because itís in her city and I feel like I wonít be able to handle it? I donít know what to do

    What if I FaceTime her or wait til we can meet and just tell her. That I have received an amazing offer for an amazing job but that I very well might not take it. Simply because I can have all the money in the world and the best job in the world, but a part of me will still be missing because we donít have each other and nothing else would matter to me. And itíll hurt me too much to just be alone in her city knowing she doesnít want to keep trying if thatís the case. I donít know Iím just so full of emotions still after almost two months of this I feel itís just getting worse

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