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Thread: Over a month on, having a bad day. Please help.

  1. #1
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    Over a month on, having a bad day. Please help.

    Today is a bad day.

    It's raw, and i feel like I'm back at square one. I'm struggling to cope with how i feel right now. I know it's normal to feel hurt after a break up, this isn't the first time for me. However, I have never felt a love like the one I had for her/still have for her. So it makes sense that it hurts more than past break ups, but I feel like I lost more than just her when she broke up with me, I feel like I lost myself too.

    I cope okay most days, but days like this make me want to give up. I push myself to make it through these days, but I feel like with each bad day I end up getting pushed back to square one and i don't know how much longer I can keep pushing myself. I try to focus on the good things in my life, my family, my friends, my future. I tell myself that I did all I could do, and that it was a bad situation for me to be in. I tell myself that I don't deserve the way I was treated, that she wasn't right for me, good for me. I struggle though. I am struggling.

    How do I move through these days? How do you move on from someone you truly believed you would spend the rest of your life with? Is time the only answer?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AceAlice
    How do I move through these days? How do you move on from someone you truly believed you would spend the rest of your life with? Is time the only answer?
    Short answer: yeah, it's time.

    The first month is both eternal and a flash. Anyone coming out anything significant, regardless of who left who, why it all unraveled, and whatever epiphanies are roiling in the mind, is going to be in a pretty fugue state. High here, low there, the emotional whiplash significant. My last breakup, for instance, I'd say the first two months were like that. I wasn't a mess, in the sense that I wasn't huffing paint in back alleys, but my brain was fried, my heart twisted into a different shape by the hour. Eased up significantly after that, but there was still plenty of healing to be done.

    Longer, or more precise answer: You recently had contact, according to your journal, which is invariably going to add to the pain, throwing your head into consuming though patterns that leave you feeling like you just put yourself through a paper shredder. Talk to a marathon runner who broke her leg, for instance. She's good when she rests, but less good when she walks upstairs, and really not good when she tries to run around the block too soon. Contact, at this early stage? It's running around the block on a broken leg. Which, hey, we all do, or some of us.

    So? Keep leaning into time, note the behavior that makes that more challenging, and adjust course as needed. There is another side to this, and you're on your way there, even when it doesn't feel like it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Yeah, BC, I agree. You communicated with her yesterday, right? So not surprising today isn't a great day.

    I recommend re-reading your journal entries from yesterday and today the next time you're tempted to communicate or respond to her. To remind yourself how you feel afterward.

    I also suggest you block her. She isn't respecting you or your wishes. The only way to prevent her from disrespecting you is to block her.

    And give yourself a break. You're doing OK even if it doesn't always feel like it.

  4. #4
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    You are where I have been a few times before in my life time. And I am pretty sure that You and I are not the only ones that have felt exactly where you are now. Life is dark, scary, you feel alone, sad, our esteem is I the toilet, and its just so much easier to give up than it is to get up.
    Right now the thought of someone else doesn't even enter your mind. You question every thing and even ask if the relationship was real or did they love me, how could they move on while Im still hurting, and you don't have the energy to do anything but lay in bed and just wait it out.
    Oh, Ive been there. I have the T-shirt to prove it. But all those things I mentioned are only in the here and now. Its kind of like driving in fog. You cant see much in front of you but you have to keep going in order to get thru it then all of a sudden, its gone and you can see whats ahead of you.
    Right now its like you are driving in this fog. Don't know how long it will last and you cant see much infront of you but I can tell you that as long as you keep moving forward, it will clear and you will be able to see your future and you will find happiness and love again.
    There are days that it seems like you are back to the beginning, but your not. Think of it like a big ship crossing the Atlantic.. Some days the ship can be cruising along then you head into a storm.. You don't get tossed back to the dock. And even tho the waves are huge and crashing into you, you are still moving forward. Just moving slower, but you are still closer to your destination.
    Break ups suck. That's why sites like this exist. But you are doing good. You are moving forward, you must believe every second that goes by is a second closer to happiness. And you must know that you will find love and joy and happiness again, but you have to accept that its going to be with someone else. Letting go of your X is a good thing. You give your heart and your life room for someone better to come along. I promise you.. someone else will come into your life and one day you will be here helping others.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Short answer: yeah, it's time.

    The first month is both eternal and a flash. Anyone coming out anything significant, regardless of who left who, why it all unraveled, and whatever epiphanies are roiling in the mind, is going to be in a pretty fugue state. High here, low there, the emotional whiplash significant. My last breakup, for instance, I'd say the first two months were like that. I wasn't a mess, in the sense that I wasn't huffing paint in back alleys, but my brain was fried, my heart twisted into a different shape by the hour. Eased up significantly after that, but there was still plenty of healing to be done.

    Longer, or more precise answer: You recently had contact, according to your journal, which is invariably going to add to the pain, throwing your head into consuming though patterns that leave you feeling like you just put yourself through a paper shredder. Talk to a marathon runner who broke her leg, for instance. She's good when she rests, but less good when she walks upstairs, and really not good when she tries to run around the block too soon. Contact, at this early stage? It's running around the block on a broken leg. Which, hey, we all do, or some of us.

    So? Keep leaning into time, note the behavior that makes that more challenging, and adjust course as needed. There is another side to this, and you're on your way there, even when it doesn't feel like it.
    BC, there aren't really words do explain how much I appreciate you and your articulate way of explaining things.
    You're right, I did have contact recently. I didn't initiate it but I responded and that's contact still. I knew it was going to hurt me. I'm metaphorically trying to run on a broken leg, even though I know I shouldn't. I did stand up for myself and clarify that I need to do NC for my own healing, but like boltnrun said, it's not being respected. I've blocked her on everything, but I need to block her number.

    Originally Posted by No1
    You are where I have been a few times before in my life time. And I am pretty sure that You and I are not the only ones that have felt exactly where you are now. Life is dark, scary, you feel alone, sad, our esteem is I the toilet, and its just so much easier to give up than it is to get up.
    Right now the thought of someone else doesn't even enter your mind. You question every thing and even ask if the relationship was real or did they love me, how could they move on while Im still hurting, and you don't have the energy to do anything but lay in bed and just wait it out.
    Oh, Ive been there. I have the T-shirt to prove it. But all those things I mentioned are only in the here and now. Its kind of like driving in fog. You cant see much in front of you but you have to keep going in order to get thru it then all of a sudden, its gone and you can see whats ahead of you.
    Right now its like you are driving in this fog. Don't know how long it will last and you cant see much infront of you but I can tell you that as long as you keep moving forward, it will clear and you will be able to see your future and you will find happiness and love again.
    There are days that it seems like you are back to the beginning, but your not. Think of it like a big ship crossing the Atlantic.. Some days the ship can be cruising along then you head into a storm.. You don't get tossed back to the dock. And even tho the waves are huge and crashing into you, you are still moving forward. Just moving slower, but you are still closer to your destination.
    Break ups suck. That's why sites like this exist. But you are doing good. You are moving forward, you must believe every second that goes by is a second closer to happiness. And you must know that you will find love and joy and happiness again, but you have to accept that its going to be with someone else. Letting go of your X is a good thing. You give your heart and your life room for someone better to come along. I promise you.. someone else will come into your life and one day you will be here helping others.
    Thank you so much No1, your words are so true.
    I know I'm not the only one to feel like this, I guess because it's such a new feeling that I haven't felt before I'm just lost in how to deal with it. I do feel alone, scared, broken. It's terrifying to not have control of your own thoughts, feelings, emotions. But that's okay at this point, yeah?

    I resonate with driving through the fog. I think I might be my worst enemy here because I'm beginning to think the fog never ends. Stupid, I know, just have to keep on driving. I try to remind myself of when I first drove through fog, I was terrified, what could be in front of me? What could I encounter? Will it ever dissipate, will I ever get home safe? It's like that feeling but amplified by a million. In the end though, I just kept on driving and made it home safe.

    Thank you all for your kind words. You've all made my day easier to face, and I am forever grateful for the advice you all give.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You don't need to "stand up for yourself," at least with her. You've said your piece, and she's shown an inability to respect that. Not surprising, frankly, since this is a person who threw a tantrum when you paid attention to a child. That was during "good" times, when you guys were together. This is a bad time, for both of you. To expect someone like that to find sudden graceŚwell, it's a recipe for pain.

    Something that helped me when I was in the spins? It was going back to a simple phrase and repeating it over and over: "We did not work." No editorializing, but just those four words, since at the end of the day it's the biggest truth you're sharing a room with right now. Not sure if that helps, but since it helped me I'll pass it along. I've got a decently sharp mind, and can spin and spin, but I found I couldn't really bend those four words into anything but the most important thing to stomach, and accept, so it could be digested.

    Anyhow, at some point you kind of have to just accept that you two don't speak the same language. That's how I thought about it all, at least. Ever spend time in a foreign country, where just trying to ask for the bathroom becomes a fraught ordeal? It's like that. Not your fault, not hers, but just a language barrier that can't be bridged, only respected in silence.

  8. #7
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    With regards to the Fog.. The fog you drove in depended on factors like weather conditions and geographical location. The fog you are in is created by your mind. Fear, anxiety, anger, confusion, the unknown are all factors that are creating your own fog.
    When you drive out of it really depends on you. Ive been thru break ups where it took time and been thru break ups where it took one day. Every situation is different but the point is. You are okay. Maybe the greatest fear is just the fear of the unknown. We often want to hold on to our X no matter how toxic it was because they were familiar to us. Its easier to just be with someone familiar than start all over again and with someone new. I mean all time, energy to start over scares some people. But also remember how exciting it was to meet someone new..
    But don't live in fear. Truth is that you will find someone else, and you will fall in love and you will be happy again. I promise you that there are plenty of people out there that can make you happier than you have ever been. Right now you are thinking Im crazy but you must believe that reality is that you will find someone, or they will find you when you are ready to accept them into your life.
    Break ups are a mindset.. Remember that. There is no outside force telling you to be sad, there is no outside force telling you to lay in bed and be miserable. That's all your doing and you are the only person that controls your happiness. Look, life is going to go on with or without you. You realize that the Sun still rises and sets even without your X in your life? So change the mindset. Be positive, instead of thinking "Cant" say "haven't".. If you say "I cant get over my X", change it to "I haven't gotten over my X". That mindset gives you room to be positive instead of resigning.
    You are fine, and you are going to be happier.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You say that you feel lousy and have confirmed that it's likely because you were in contact with your ex.

    So what was the contact about? Was it settling practical matters or just indulgent?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Healing from heartbreak is not linear. It's often 2 steps forward 1 step back. It's up to you, not her. That means severing ties, personally, on social media and creating an ex-free environment. It's not about too much self talk. It's about doing what you need to do.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    i have been there, am there half the time these days so still not out of it. It all depends on every individuals coping levels. Every addiction takes a while to leave us the good ones or the bad ones all take some time. But the key is you need to have moments where you are alone doing your stuff if the memories come let them pass keep doing what you are doing. Keeping up with a routine helps if you don't have one you will need to find what that is that excites you the most. I found something exciting in studies professional certifications, cooking, bought a new SUV for myself on my birthday. Started meditating, workouts, journaling, drawing. Had some connelly crime novels i bought long back but never read so started reading. These are all ways i found to divert my energies but it could be anything for you. I have never been in contact with her from last December, we have common friends too but we don't speak about us or anything of the past.

    The whole point is you need to take care of yourself, you put lot of heart into that relationship but now you need to put the same effort for you. You will be there but not while staying in contact with your ex.

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