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Thread: Bothered by my own past and hers, dealing with trust & jealously

  1. #1
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    Bothered by my own past and hers, dealing with trust & jealously

    Hey guys,

    Normally I don't get on these types of forums and just read material online but I'm stuck within my relationship where I know that most of the problems I'm facing are my own past traumas from past relationships as I've got older. The current woman I'm with is very nice, extremely supportive and things were moving perfectly until I found out about her past which I seem to be experiencing issues moving past and putting 100% trust in her.
    We have spoken about these issues and she has said that she wants me to love her for who she is now and not who she was back then, she admitted that she's very bad at choosing good partners and has made mistakes.

    I met her through a mutual friend who I have known for a while, but she has had sex with one in the group (2 years ago, no one likes the dude and she doesn't really talk to him however I did find out before we met he had made a forceful move on her a few months ago which is a reportable incident, she met the group through the first guy.)

    Another guy in the group she had oral with, this guy has been saying a lot of bad things about her. Both these two people are still on her social media and they're in the group so we can't really dodge them, I'm not sure how to handle this as every time I do see them I get quite angry knowing how they have treated her when I see them. She doesn't care about these people and barely talks to them but the fact they're still on her social media does bother me, because everyone is high school friends in the group aside her and I'm new to it I feel like I have no say. She has asked me not to say anything which I have not.

    Alongside this, I found out that she had a relationship with an older man that was 20 years older (more like F buddies) but she still talks to this guy, they work together and I assume met through there. They had not been talking until recently where he started messaging her again a few days ago. I know that she has an emotional connection to him due to her past with him, she said he messaged her for work but the next day I see her chatting on her phone to him through texts which I could see as she was sitting next to me so in my mind I was like did she lied to me about the fact they don't talk much anymore?

    I have brought this up with her and she said that this guy was a big part of her life and he always will be and they will always be friends, she said that they basically used to live together and from what I can tell they used to be very close, I have met the guy because we picked him up one night where he was very drunk, very annoying and from what she tells me he drinks all the time and gambles. (This was before we were dating when I met him)

    It's a bit of a mess, most likely more so in my head but I'm not sure how I should proceed because I'm having issues with jealously and trust. It feels like these people will always be around our relationship and it bothers me that I'm not able to handle what I'm feeling. Anyone got any ideas of what I can do in handling this?

    She did say that she didn't want to tell me but knew I would somehow find out in the future about any of these things that have happened to her. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating? How did all this TMI come out? You may want to consider cutting your losses. That past can't be undone and she continues associations that are troublesome.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are and how long you've been together? I'm also curious, if you're open to sharing, to better understanding what in your own past this is stirring. A bit of context on those fronts will help with the advice.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I don't think your discomfort with her trailing a train load of ex's behind is in any way misplaced. Most people would find this situation uncomfortable at best and unacceptable enough to walk away from the whole mess.

    The "he is part of the group" is really a poor excuse. The company you keep says a lot about you and who you are. This is the company she is choosing to keep and that applies to the entire group.

    The harsh reality and probably what you don't want to hear is that if she was really all that reformed and ready for something healthy, all these buzzing flies would be long gone from her life and she'd be busy making better friends and joining other groups of people.

    It's ye olde - you want to know who a person is, look at their friends. Also, she is telling you straight up that these toxic friends aren't going anywhere, so I think you have a hard decision to make - either accept them all or walk away because this whole situation doesn't work for you and these aren't the kind of people you want to be around.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fenix2020
    We have spoken about these issues and she has said that she wants me to love her for who she is now and not who she was back then, she admitted that she's very bad at choosing good partners and has made mistakes.
    That's fine. We've all made mistakes.

    It's how we handle it going forward that makes us who we are and this becomes part of the people we're growing into.

    I see it from two perspectives:

    1) She's not ready to let go of her network or circle of friends as regardless of how negative those interactions or unfulfilling, they continue to have some meaning to her. These interactions, past or present, continue to form who she is as a person and her identity. Asking someone to strip these interactions is a bit like stripping off layers of your own identity. They may come off readily for someone ready to let go or it may be a painful and traumatizing experience for someone who isn't ready to let go. Since you've already spoken about this at length, it appears what she's experiencing is of the latter variety. She's not ready to let go of these people in her life. She does have that choice and it's hers to make. She has already made her decision and the reason is because these people still represent something meaningful to her.

    I used to live with someone who collected exes like they were collectible stamps or a hobby. Six months into living with each other I realized almost every female he stayed in contact with was someone he dated from school or up until the past two years. When I asked him what these people meant to him, he described them as family or as people whom he still loved but was not in love with.

    2) You're hurt and unable to understand why someone would do something like this or have such a seemingly disorganized view of friendships and exes. I think your emotions and fears are valid as we all are at limited means and have limited time and energy tending to different relationships. A person's choices makes up who they are. Don't be afraid to pick a way of life and stick to it and seek like-minded individuals also.

    Neither of you have to fit each others' box of what is right or wrong or what what is best for each of you at this time in your lives.

    Whether she's inhibiting herself from more growth is a question for her and something she should explore on her own but I don't think that should be at the expense of your comfort or peace of mind in a relationship. She is entitled to having whomever she wants as friends. You are also entitled to disagree.

    Here's a question for you:

    If you both broke up and she insisted on being friends, would you remain friends with her? If she put you above any man she saw in the future and promised a great friendship, would you remain friends?

    I ask just to get an idea of what your thoughts are in general.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So she has a harem of lowlifes in her present. She cares about one, and says she doesn't care about the other two, yet they are toxic and she still hangs out with them and doesn't cut them out of social media.

    Instead of saying, "I briefly dated this guy," she's showing how crass she is by mentioning blowjobs and FWBs.

    I get a little disgusted reading all that, and you're living it. You can only choose one woman on the planet to be with and this is who you're choosing? When I briefly dated a guy and started finding out about his harem and unsavory past, the yuck factor had me running out of there faster than the roadrunner.

    Energy is contagious. Be careful of the company you keep.

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    Well the thing is sometimes you do end up hooking up with people in your friendship circle because you're drunk, bored, horny, whatever lol If those two guys are in the friendship group then how exactly can she get rid of them? If she's hanging out with the whole group then they're likely to be there. The important thing is that she doesn't spend much time with them one-on-one. You said she never hangs out with them or talks to them. I wouldn't say that having someone on social media really means anything. Many people just have all these people on social media and it doesn't have any meaning attached to it.

    Regarding the guy at work, he works there so to not be around him at all she'd have to actually quit her job. That's probably asking a lot. Maybe she doesn't have to talk to him much though.

    I think really all these kind of situations depend on individual couple dynamics. I have a good male friend who I dated very briefly, then he was an FWB. But the FWB ended three years ago and this guy is in my friendship group. He dated my friend also.

    I also occasionally speak to another ex (broke up in 2014). They have a partner of 3.5 years. To be honest I've also drunk hooked up with some of my friends but it literally didn't mean anything.

    When I was with my ex fiance I straight away told him all this when I started dating him. I asked him if he had any bad feelings about it. He said he actually didn't as long as I was always honest and I didn't actually do anything with any of those friends or anyone else.

    So because my ex didn't have an issue with it, we continued dating. To be honest I wasn't going to end my friendship with those friends because some of that stuff happened many years ago and we were just drunk and silly. Again it depends on each person's own opinion if they are OK with this or not.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    People have pasts. What she has is verbal diarrhea. You don't need to date her. How old is she? She sounds quite insecure and immature.

    You need to ask yourself what kind of idiot details every bj and hookup they have had

    However everyone has a past but not everyone keeps former lovers this close or creates this much drama about it.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    That's fine. We've all made mistakes.

    It's how we handle it going forward that makes us who we are and this becomes part of the people we're growing into.

    I see it from two perspectives:

    1) She's not ready to let go of her network or circle of friends as regardless of how negative those interactions or unfulfilling, they continue to have some meaning to her. These interactions, past or present, continue to form who she is as a person and her identity. Asking someone to strip these interactions is a bit like stripping off layers of your own identity. They may come off readily for someone ready to let go or it may be a painful and traumatizing experience for someone who isn't ready to let go. Since you've already spoken about this at length, it appears what she's experiencing is of the latter variety. She's not ready to let go of these people in her life. She does have that choice and it's hers to make. She has already made her decision and the reason is because these people still represent something meaningful to her.

    I used to live with someone who collected exes like they were collectible stamps or a hobby. Six months into living with each other I realized almost every female he stayed in contact with was someone he dated from school or up until the past two years. When I asked him what these people meant to him, he described them as family or as people whom he still loved but was not in love with.

    2) You're hurt and unable to understand why someone would do something like this or have such a seemingly disorganized view of friendships and exes. I think your emotions and fears are valid as we all are at limited means and have limited time and energy tending to different relationships. A person's choices makes up who they are. Don't be afraid to pick a way of life and stick to it and seek like-minded individuals also.

    Neither of you have to fit each others' box of what is right or wrong or what what is best for each of you at this time in your lives.

    Whether she's inhibiting herself from more growth is a question for her and something she should explore on her own but I don't think that should be at the expense of your comfort or peace of mind in a relationship. She is entitled to having whomever she wants as friends. You are also entitled to disagree.

    Here's a question for you:

    If you both broke up and she insisted on being friends, would you remain friends with her? If she put you above any man she saw in the future and promised a great friendship, would you remain friends?

    I ask just to get an idea of what your thoughts are in general.
    I will try and reply to everyone as much as I can, just might take a while. So I will reply here for more context, she is 29 about to be 30 I am 33. I've been cheated on before so has she, I also know that deep down she has issues as we have spoken about this and we have been dating for only around 6-7 months now. She know's I have trouble dealing with her past and that I have been emotionally abused, It's hard when you have depression and social anxiety mixed on with past issues. The problem came when we were attending a party that was for my birthday, I told her not to go as these people would be there and as much as she wanted to go she agreed she would not but the host ended up bending my leg and we went and everything was ok. People had been saying things about her and she didn't want to not turn up and be seen as weak for not doing so.

    We spoke in the car one week before this party was to be held and because it was mentioned in front of me about people abusing her only then did she tell me, she stated in the car she was always going to tell me as she wanted it to come from her and not have things twisted by other people on what really occured - I do know that these two guys are BIG drama queens as I've known them before meeting her for about 2 years. Within those 2 years we never met and she was never around them, she doesn't take drugs, hates clubbing and doesn't drink alcohol at all because she has always been the one to look after others and be used and abused for it. I know her through a friend in the group who is a good guy and the one I mostly spend time with, the others I don't talk to or never go near because as stated I know the type of people I want to be around moving forward in life and have no time for the drama. Both of us try to only go to events where certain people are at and the others are not included.

    Given past experiences, I would most likely not talk to her if we were to break up. But given she is a nice person compared to my past relationships (I've been through enough to look for certain qualities) It's hard to say how I would react if that were to occur. One guy I asked if she would remove him from social media and she said yes and I assume the same for the second guy as the second talks to the first quite a lot. The third they still talk, how often a day I'm unsure and this one bothers me more because he is always around due to work. She has been at her work for 11 years, hates her job but won't leave. From what I do see, she has got to comftable within her life and has low self esteem (Her weight bothers her), my family is pretty good at reading people and they have said they like her but feel something is hidden with her.

    I think the third guy came at a time where she had no one else to hang around with or to run too and said that she sees this guy as he is older more of a farther figure. When we started seeing one another nether of us were drunk I met her once and started talking to her on social media more and more. I don't think she's trying to be involved with the drama she just knows and has said it before that she knows others will try and our relationship up.
    Last edited by Fenix2020; 07-10-2020 at 06:10 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There's a lot of drama and social media scouring for dating 6 mos. Pull back and address your mental health rather than policing her.

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