Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 27 of 27

Thread: Bothered by my own past and hers, dealing with trust & jealously

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,060
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Fenix2020
    For clarity, she only went to the party because her mother had made a cake for me and she was excited to go due to that and for the fact we were not in lock down. My issue was that us being around certain people that have done major emotional damage that she felt she was uncomfortable with given there was alcohol was my problem as these people have abused those at the party before, as for social media I'm rarely on it but I know that two individuals have been abusing her so we had a conversation about it. Unfortuntilly in training with the police force that side of protecting people just comes out, being told something that was a reportable offence is very hard for me not to act on but she has asked me not too so I've respected that.

    The host knew about this as I spoke to her about it and I had said to a female friend of mine and hers that if she does go if that friend could look after her if I'm not there. One of the guys was at the door smoking as we entered straight away you could see my partners reaction in her being uncomfortable. She's been to a few gatherings/parties without me that's never been an issue. The FWB was in the past, his not on social media and not apart of the group, she works with him and I can accept that.
    The thing is while you personally may feel concerned these people mistreated her, in the end it's her decision if she wants to go to a party where they are or not. By telling her not to go you are being controlling. That's her choice if she wants to go. You sound a bit too jealous and overbearing in my opinion. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,453
    Gender
    Male
    Agree, your jealousy is a red flag as well as telling her who she can talk to or hang out with . If her past or friends bother you, breakup .

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    Posts
    9
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    The thing is while you personally may feel concerned these people mistreated her, in the end it's her decision if she wants to go to a party where they are or not. By telling her not to go you are being controlling. That's her choice if she wants to go. You sound a bit too jealous and overbearing in my opinion.
    So someone was raped (her), she feels uncomfortable going to the party because that person is there so we have a discussion about it and I'm being overbearing and controlling? I made a suggestion for us not to go as I thought it was a bad idea. As I said in my post she has been to many parties/gatherings before and I've never had a problem. Unfortunately I've asked for space while I work on myself and my future moving forward at this time because this relationship is clearly not healthy.
    Last edited by Fenix2020; 07-12-2020 at 04:08 AM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,060
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Fenix2020
    So someone was raped (her), she feels uncomfortable going to the party because that person is there so we have a discussion about it and I'm being overbearing and controlling? I made a suggestion for us not to go as I thought it was a bad idea. As I said in my post she has been to many parties/gatherings before and I've never had a problem. Unfortunately I've asked for space while I work on myself and my future moving forward at this time because this relationship is clearly not healthy.
    You definitely have a right to feel sympathy and worry for your girlfriend, it's called caring. You never mentioned the rape in many of your previous comments. You just said she hooked up with those two guys you've been referring to. You said she gave one guy a blow job or something along those lines. You said hook up and blow job, not rape. Please don't get me wrong, rape is very serious and I don't for one second mean to minimize it. I'm just wondering why you only mention it now? Are you changing the story? Before you said those guys were just douches and treated her bad and you don't like them. You left many long comments and not once did you mention rape until it was suggested you were too controlling.

    Absolutely you have a right to break up with your girlfriend or take a break, that is your choice. We don't always like things about our partner. Sometimes we may not like things to the point where it does warrant leaving. But just as an aside, regarding the party situation, while it may seem unbelievable to you she wants to go, maybe she thinks she can handle it. She's a big girl. For example, if someone treated me bad and I'm going to go to a party and that person is there. But also many other people are there who are my friends. Maybe I still want to go and I'll just avoid that person. I wouldn't appreciate being told that I can't or shouldn't go. It's my decision.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    Posts
    9
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    You definitely have a right to feel sympathy and worry for your girlfriend, it's called caring. You never mentioned the rape in many of your previous comments. You just said she hooked up with those two guys you've been referring to. You said she gave one guy a blow job or something along those lines. You said hook up and blow job, not rape. Please don't get me wrong, rape is very serious and I don't for one second mean to minimize it. I'm just wondering why you only mention it now? Are you changing the story? Before you said those guys were just douches and treated her bad and you don't like them. You left many long comments and not once did you mention rape until it was suggested you were too controlling.

    Absolutely you have a right to break up with your girlfriend or take a break, that is your choice. We don't always like things about our partner. Sometimes we may not like things to the point where it does warrant leaving. But just as an aside, regarding the party situation, while it may seem unbelievable to you she wants to go, maybe she thinks she can handle it. She's a big girl. For example, if someone treated me bad and I'm going to go to a party and that person is there. But also many other people are there who are my friends. Maybe I still want to go and I'll just avoid that person. I wouldn't appreciate being told that I can't or shouldn't go. It's my decision.
    I didn't want to get into details but my past comments did state something that was "reportable" so I definitely mentioned it, I just didn't want to bring it up because I don't know whose on this forum. She had originally hooked up with the one that raped her 2 years ago but in November that occurred as she told me about it that's when that occurred and she is still in shock I believe. The other two yes, the whole group knows about it (the one that was abusing her not the rape guy) and I never went out of my way to ask what happened she chose to tell me. In the end, as a couple, we chose to go together.

    Was page 2 & 1 #19 also post #1

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,788
    This is a complicated scenario but at the same time not. At first blush, it seems the typical incompatibility problem many couples face. You want exes out of the picture, she sees them as key players that will always be in her life.

    Neither of you is right or wrong, you just don't agree on this. So you have a choice here... You can decide to accept this or walk away.

    Then there is a component of judgment on your side... You say she is many wonderful things and loved by all... but..... you need to save her.

    she's been with other guys before you. Which everyone has a past. Women, just like men, can also enjoy sex, have hook ups, and FWB. As she chose to do and I'm assuming you have too, at other times in your life. It doesn't make you a better person one way or the other, in my opinion. Just choices.

    You seem to hold her to this higher standard. Is it the madonna/ complex? I don't know. Just something to consider, if it applies to you.

    Add in there's a choir of unsavory characters, that as it is, are you're friends, too. So one does wonder, why or how you are on some morale high ground here?

    They are not good, but you're with them, too. Its actually how you know each other. Birds of a feather flock together....

    If they are truly not your cup of tea, why do you hang with them? Why was your birthday with them? And the decision was for her not to attend YOUR birthday party? So you could party with them without her? How is that fair? She shouldn't be friends, but you can.....Did I not follow that correctly?

    It all brings me back to my original thought about you two just being incompatible and maybe you being a little selfish and controlling. But then you reveal, mixed in with all this causal sex, there was a rape.

    This is not only horrific to think a friend in a group, raped one of the friends, it is impossible to determine or explain how your gf is choosing to cope and carry on from this.

    She may be carrying guilt & shame. She may be trying to pretend it didn't happened or to forget it. Hence staying in the friend group to normalize things.

    But I think this is probably the biggest factor, that you aren't really considering and you may be unknowingly adding to that guilt and shame.

    Obviously, I don't know you and I'm not saying you're a bad person. I would just encourage you to think about how your words and actions may be seen as more judging and shaming a woman, that is more than likely dealing with some heavy duty issues, brought on by abuse and assault.

    I would look for any opportunity to encourage her to talk to a professional (crisis hotline, therapist etc). Maybe you've tried? I'd keep trying.
    She needs help.

    Secondly, I'd look within. Specifically, the controlling behaviors, judgment of others, and past unresolved traumas. Its not up to our partners to adjust to our shortcomings. Its up to us to fix ourselves.

    She is not wrong to decide who she wants to keep in her life. And you are not wrong to decide it's not for you, regardless of anything else. Deal breakers are just that...

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    Posts
    9
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    This is a complicated scenario but at the same time not. At first blush, it seems the typical incompatibility problem many couples face. You want exes out of the picture, she sees them as key players that will always be in her life.

    Neither of you is right or wrong, you just don't agree on this. So you have a choice here... You can decide to accept this or walk away.

    Then there is a component of judgment on your side... You say she is many wonderful things and loved by all... but..... you need to save her.

    she's been with other guys before you. Which everyone has a past. Women, just like men, can also enjoy sex, have hook ups, and FWB. As she chose to do and I'm assuming you have too, at other times in your life. It doesn't make you a better person one way or the other, in my opinion. Just choices.

    You seem to hold her to this higher standard. Is it the madonna/ complex? I don't know. Just something to consider, if it applies to you.

    Add in there's a choir of unsavory characters, that as it is, are you're friends, too. So one does wonder, why or how you are on some morale high ground here?

    They are not good, but you're with them, too. Its actually how you know each other. Birds of a feather flock together....

    If they are truly not your cup of tea, why do you hang with them? Why was your birthday with them? And the decision was for her not to attend YOUR birthday party? So you could party with them without her? How is that fair? She shouldn't be friends, but you can.....Did I not follow that correctly?

    It all brings me back to my original thought about you two just being incompatible and maybe you being a little selfish and controlling. But then you reveal, mixed in with all this causal sex, there was a rape.

    This is not only horrific to think a friend in a group, raped one of the friends, it is impossible to determine or explain how your gf is choosing to cope and carry on from this.

    She may be carrying guilt & shame. She may be trying to pretend it didn't happened or to forget it. Hence staying in the friend group to normalize things.

    But I think this is probably the biggest factor, that you aren't really considering and you may be unknowingly adding to that guilt and shame.

    Obviously, I don't know you and I'm not saying you're a bad person. I would just encourage you to think about how your words and actions may be seen as more judging and shaming a woman, that is more than likely dealing with some heavy duty issues, brought on by abuse and assault.

    I would look for any opportunity to encourage her to talk to a professional (crisis hotline, therapist etc). Maybe you've tried? I'd keep trying.
    She needs help.

    Secondly, I'd look within. Specifically, the controlling behaviors, judgment of others, and past unresolved traumas. Its not up to our partners to adjust to our shortcomings. Its up to us to fix ourselves.

    She is not wrong to decide who she wants to keep in her life. And you are not wrong to decide it's not for you, regardless of anything else. Deal breakers are just that...
    The birthday was a surprise gig, everyone was in lockdown and it was the first time we were allowed out the party was more of a thing to get everyone out and just have a reason to party. When I suggested about not going only then was it revealed a cake had been planned for me only the host and my partner knew about it. I know one person within this group and I would hardly call any of them friends, the ones that were friends turned up later but they were always partying and drunk so I stepped away from them long ago as for the others I never talk or hang out with them. The reason I chose to go in the end was for my partner due to the fact she had done something nice to me and I didn't want to let her down.

    I agree with everything you said, thought I'd clarify the birthday one.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Videos


Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity

Most Women Rather Not Date Unemployed Men

Why Young People Don't Rush To Marry? They Fear Divorce
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •