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Thread: Bothered by my own past and hers, dealing with trust & jealously

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    There's a lot of drama and social media scouring for dating 6 mos. Pull back and address your mental health rather than policing her.
    If you're saying I check her social media 24/7 I barely check it at all as I hate social media, dating for 6-7 months very close for almost a year we were close before offically stating we were in a relationship just to clarify. I understand she is her own person, and I'm already moving forward with my own issues. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    his guy was a big part of her life and he always will be and they will always be friends, she said that they basically used to live together and from what I can tell they used to be very close, I have met the guy because we picked him up one night where he was very drunk, very annoying and from what she tells me he drinks all the time and gambles.

    So a drunk old dude gambler who had sex with your gf will always be present in your life because she chooses to keep him squarely there. She and her friends sound like they are stuck in their early twenties and haven't progressed to more mature lifestyles.

    Most people grow out of that stage, and ditch so-called friends who create drama and choose to evolve to forming healthier friendships. This is a toxic soup.

    Your self esteem needs boosting if this is the only thing you think you're worthy of in life.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    his guy was a big part of her life and he always will be and they will always be friends, she said that they basically used to live together and from what I can tell they used to be very close, I have met the guy because we picked him up one night where he was very drunk, very annoying and from what she tells me he drinks all the time and gambles.

    So a drunk old dude gambler who had sex with your gf will always be present in your life because she chooses to keep him squarely there. She and her friends sound like they are stuck in their early twenties and haven't progressed to more mature lifestyles.

    Most people grow out of that stage, and ditch so-called friends who create drama and choose to evolve to forming healthier friendships. This is a toxic soup.

    Your self esteem needs boosting if this is the only thing you think you're worthy of in life.
    Ok, just going to skip over this comment.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fenix2020
    I will try and reply to everyone as much as I can, just might take a while. So I will reply here for more context, she is 29 about to be 30 I am 33. I've been cheated on before so has she, I also know that deep down she has issues as we have spoken about this and we have been dating for only around 6-7 months now. She know's I have trouble dealing with her past and that I have been emotionally abused, It's hard when you have depression and social anxiety mixed on with past issues. The problem came when we were attending a party that was for my birthday, I told her not to go as these people would be there and as much as she wanted to go she agreed she would not but the host ended up bending my leg and we went and everything was ok. People had been saying things about her and she didn't want to not turn up and be seen as weak for not doing so.

    We spoke in the car one week before this party was to be held and because it was mentioned in front of me about people abusing her only then did she tell me, she stated in the car she was always going to tell me as she wanted it to come from her and not have things twisted by other people on what really occured - I do know that these two guys are BIG drama queens as I've known them before meeting her for about 2 years. Within those 2 years we never met and she was never around them, she doesn't take drugs, hates clubbing and doesn't drink alcohol at all because she has always been the one to look after others and be used and abused for it. I know her through a friend in the group who is a good guy and the one I mostly spend time with, the others I don't talk to or never go near because as stated I know the type of people I want to be around moving forward in life and have no time for the drama. Both of us try to only go to events where certain people are at and the others are not included.

    Given past experiences, I would most likely not talk to her if we were to break up. But given she is a nice person compared to my past relationships (I've been through enough to look for certain qualities) It's hard to say how I would react if that were to occur. One guy I asked if she would remove him from social media and she said yes and I assume the same for the second guy as the second talks to the first quite a lot. The third they still talk, how often a day I'm unsure and this one bothers me more because he is always around due to work. She has been at her work for 11 years, hates her job but won't leave. From what I do see, she has got to comftable within her life and has low self esteem (Her weight bothers her), my family is pretty good at reading people and they have said they like her but feel something is hidden with her.

    I think the third guy came at a time where she had no one else to hang around with or to run too and said that she sees this guy as he is older more of a farther figure. When we started seeing one another nether of us were drunk I met her once and started talking to her on social media more and more. I don't think she's trying to be involved with the drama she just knows and has said it before that she knows others will try and our relationship up.
    As an outsider, this isn't looking too great. Overall, if you don't mind me saying, this person doesn't seem to have the traits of a "nice" person. Go back to that comment there about those certain qualities you're looking for.

    Every so often in life we get kicked in the side of the head and have to re-evaluate a lot of things that matter or should matter to each of us. If we're not going through this, I'd question whether a person is growing at all or has stagnated (stunted growth). We have to see that certain things are not working the way they are and evolve so that we can overcome those difficulties and find new ways to look at things. This relationship is not working. I think the danger is in continuing to tell yourself that you see her as a "nice" person and that you've "been through enough" to know. The problem is - there is always something or things in life we do not know or we have not experienced before. If you can remove those lenses, you might be able to see that she's not the right person for you and get down low, real low to the ground and start discovering those truths beneath the surface.

    Her choices are her choices and it would verge on emotional abuse for you to continue to seek to control her or police her. Whatever her choices are, good or bad, they are hers. Don't seek to control someone or monitor someone this much because it will turn you into someone you don't know. I'd challenge you to ask yourself whether you feel yourself in this relationship or whether it's changing you in a negative way.

    You mentioned that she is a nice person relative to others in your previous relationships. There. Right there, unpack your previous relationships and start holding a closer lens to what happened prior to meeting this woman. We have all been through harrowing experiences. When I find patterns (painful patterns) in dating or how I choose friends or partners, I know it's time for change.

    Are you able to go back in time and look at your past exes or your pattern of dating? Everyone has to do this, mind you, or should be doing this. We create patterns in our every day life. Some call it routines or habits. In dating, we do the same things. Have a better idea of why you're picking women who have different values and beliefs from yourself. Do you have strong beliefs? What are your dealbreakers? These are the questions I'd be exploring. Find answers for your behaviour and why your thoughts are causing you to go in certain directions and not others. Find out more about you.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    As an outsider, this isn't looking too great. Overall, if you don't mind me saying, this person doesn't seem to have the traits of a "nice" person. Go back to that comment there about those certain qualities you're looking for.

    Every so often in life we get kicked in the side of the head and have to re-evaluate a lot of things that matter or should matter to each of us. If we're not going through this, I'd question whether a person is growing at all or has stagnated (stunted growth). We have to see that certain things are not working the way they are and evolve so that we can overcome those difficulties and find new ways to look at things. This relationship is not working. I think the danger is in continuing to tell yourself that you see her as a "nice" person and that you've "been through enough" to know. The problem is - there is always something or things in life we do not know or we have not experienced before. If you can remove those lenses, you might be able to see that she's not the right person for you and get down low, real low to the ground and start discovering those truths beneath the surface.

    Her choices are her choices and it would verge on emotional abuse for you to continue to seek to control her or police her. Whatever her choices are, good or bad, they are hers. Don't seek to control someone or monitor someone this much because it will turn you into someone you don't know. I'd challenge you to ask yourself whether you feel yourself in this relationship or whether it's changing you in a negative way.

    You mentioned that she is a nice person relative to others in your previous relationships. There. Right there, unpack your previous relationships and start holding a closer lens to what happened prior to meeting this woman. We have all been through harrowing experiences. When I find patterns (painful patterns) in dating or how I choose friends or partners, I know it's time for change.

    Are you able to go back in time and look at your past exes or your pattern of dating? Everyone has to do this, mind you, or should be doing this. We create patterns in our every day life. Some call it routines or habits. In dating, we do the same things. Have a better idea of why you're picking women who have different values and beliefs from yourself. Do you have strong beliefs? What are your dealbreakers? These are the questions I'd be exploring. Find answers for your behaviour and why your thoughts are causing you to go in certain directions and not others. Find out more about you.
    I know apart of the problem is me, I never really went back and sat down when those relationships ended I just closed that book shut as much as I could and never returned to it to review why it went wrong and where. My current partner is extremely supportive and kind, everyone likes her and when I say that I mean as a person, she is always there when something is wrong and I feel to an extent that I'm more myself in front of her then I have been in front of anyone for a long time and many have stated we're both gentle people who are almost mirror images of one another. If I was, to be honest, I feel like I have stagnated my own growth. Your post definitely has me thinking, I don't think her intentions were to hurt or make me jealous and I know a few people are judging by what has been said here and that I've got 'glasses on' but I wish to analyse this the right way rather than just going your dumped cya later.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's hard to go back and look at how we might have contributed to the breakdown of a relationship. It means coming face to face with what happened to us, why did we say or do certain things or feel so strongly about one way or another. We impact each other in relationships. If you're able to slowly pry open those closed books and see how things happened, now that you are removed from those situations, it might help you understand how not to repeat the same cycles.

    You mentioned that you're both gentle people. That's a good trait to start with. Gentleness is positive but where it starts to move into a gray area is when gentleness lacks boundaries or an ability to say "no". We need elements of that in everyday life, to function, to keep existing relationships going and so as not to overextend or exhaust ourselves on the wrong relationships or things we shouldn't be doing or ought not to be doing. How has your gentleness shaped you and given you happiness but also moved into areas of not enough boundaries - where saying "no" was almost impossible? Is it hard to say "no"?

    I think you may be onto something about being mirrors of each other. She too appears to have a tough time saying no to others, even if those relationships or friendships are inappropriate. We change and evolve. Even though a friendship with an ex came about organically at one point, why does it continue on indefinitely at the risk of losing fulfilling relationships later on? What give and take are we experiencing in letting go of old friends and making new ones, developing new relationships? People aren't static or the same all their lives. We grow and experience new things and new people, new areas and new phases of life.

    If you're open to experiencing a deeper, more fulfilling relationship, I think that willingness and openness to say "no" to unfulfilling relationships or old phases of our lives has to also be there. The past can hold us back without us knowing or being aware. Push forwards. Keep asking yourself, I think, about the man you want to be and what kind of a relationship would bring you happiness. You just have to keep pushing for those answers within you and keep asking until you have a combination that looks and feels better or is more harmonious with that given evolution of you, right now this moment. You may change too in five years or ten years or twenty years. That's normal but that combination of what you find attractive in a partner should also be sustainable. Your partner should be able to say "no" too to unfulfilling relationships and friendships or phases of life that have long passed their expiration date.

    Try understanding more about yourself and what certain positive traits mean to you. Every positive has a slightly darker shade. It's usually a good idea to think of traits on a sliding scale or a gradient. To be honest about everything is a positive trait. To overshare and share too much is to lack discretion to the point of hurting others with information that's not needed. To be gentle is to be kind and understanding of others, accepting. To be gentle to the point of not being able to say "no" is to lack boundaries, unable to tell the difference between what's fulfilling anymore or unfulfilling. So you see for every positive trait there are gradients and slightly darker shades that move into negative traits. The trick is to find the right combination again at which part of that sliding scale is appropriate for any given situation in life. Some situations might require a more hard line approach and others a softer approach. You get to choose.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I get the feeling here that you're both, in different ways, reckoning with your pasts and making that reckoning part of your bond, a bit like trying to heal each other. Does that resonate at all?

    It's a slippery slope, all that, and one I think you're both starting to slip on. All of us humans have pasts, often complicated ones, and all of us, to various degrees, have "issues" that lurk "deep down." Thing is, more than being viewed as traumatized vessels of issues, we want to be seen and accepted as people. To do that, two things are important. First: to accept ourselves, who we are and where we've been. Second: to invest in people who, for whatever reasons, we are more prone to accept than to judge, who stir in us a sense of comfort and expansion, not discomfort and contraction.

    The greater the former, at least in my experience, the more the latter happens organically. The less we accept ourselves, meanwhile, the more prone we are to seeking "mirrors," to use your word, that reflect back to us the very versions of ourselves we struggle to accept.

    Putting aside the nitty-gritty here, I'd try to see this somewhat practically. At six months, in any relationship, I think both people are still very much assessing the viability of the union, the full spectrum of compatibility, as they spend more time with each other and learn more about each other. In this case, I think you've got quite a bit of static at a stage when, ideally, there should be little. Turn on the hard surgical lights, and it seems that you don't much like her friends, don't much like how she has lived her life, and continues to live with it, save for the part where she is "nice" to you. What you naturally accept, in short, is a pretty slim fraction of who she is, making the relationship kind of like a gigantic house in which you are only comfortable in two rooms.

    Hard to feel genuinely at home in such a house.

    Granted, I'm just here in the bleacher seats, but what you're describing sounds pretty typical of someone not yet 30. Dregs of adolescence. Some people shed all that, in time, while others kind of grow into it. Wherever she fits into that—well, that's her own story, to write as she sees fit. But this is the chapter she is in right now, and I'd be honest—with yourself—about whether or not you can see that fitting into, and enhancing, your own story, if that makes sense.

  9. #18
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    As I said in my previous comment, every person is different about how they feel about these kinds of situations. It's OK not to feel comfortable about it and to not date people who still have an old hook up on social media and stuff like that. You can end this relationship and not be with your girlfriend or be in this situation anymore. But I don't think you can try to control many aspects of her life like this. You tell her not to go to a party just because those guys are there, you tell her who can and can't be on her social media. You actually are acting controlling, whether you think so or not.

    I've been on these boards since 2014 and I've seen so many posts about all these kinds of situations. Some people don't even feel comfortable with their partner having opposite gender friends, and some are fine with it. My ex was fine with me hanging out in a group with my ex FWB, as long as I never actually did anything with him. That old FWB actually is a good friend and he is part of my friendship group. What I'm saying is, if my ex didn't like it, he was free to end the relationship. But if my ex was saying stuff to me like: " Don't go to any parties where he's going to be and delete him off social media", that's too full on. I wouldn't have liked it and I would have said he was free to break up.

    I don't speak to ex's except only occasionally mainly on social media to one ex who broke up in 2014. That ex has a new partner for 3.5 years. The only person I hang out with is that ex FWB (FWB ended 3 years ago). I pretty much only hang out with him in a group, not one-on-one. But he is a good friend of six years. I need to date someone who understands this and can trust me that I'm not actually doing anything with this person.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    As I said in my previous comment, every person is different about how they feel about these kinds of situations. It's OK not to feel comfortable about it and to not date people who still have an old hook up on social media and stuff like that. You can end this relationship and not be with your girlfriend or be in this situation anymore. But I don't think you can try to control many aspects of her life like this. You tell her not to go to a party just because those guys are there, you tell her who can and can't be on her social media. You actually are acting controlling, whether you think so or not.

    I've been on these boards since 2014 and I've seen so many posts about all these kinds of situations. Some people don't even feel comfortable with their partner having opposite gender friends, and some are fine with it. My ex was fine with me hanging out in a group with my ex FWB, as long as I never actually did anything with him. That old FWB actually is a good friend and he is part of my friendship group. What I'm saying is, if my ex didn't like it, he was free to end the relationship. But if my ex was saying stuff to me like: " Don't go to any parties where he's going to be and delete him off social media", that's too full on. I wouldn't have liked it and I would have said he was free to break up.

    I don't speak to ex's except only occasionally mainly on social media to one ex who broke up in 2014. That ex has a new partner for 3.5 years. The only person I hang out with is that ex FWB (FWB ended 3 years ago). I pretty much only hang out with him in a group, not one-on-one. But he is a good friend of six years. I need to date someone who understands this and can trust me that I'm not actually doing anything with this person.
    For clarity, she only went to the party because her mother had made a cake for me and she was excited to go due to that and for the fact we were not in lock down. My issue was that us being around certain people that have done major emotional damage that she felt she was uncomfortable with given there was alcohol was my problem as these people have abused those at the party before, as for social media I'm rarely on it but I know that two individuals have been abusing her so we had a conversation about it. Unfortuntilly in training with the police force that side of protecting people just comes out, being told something that was a reportable offence is very hard for me not to act on but she has asked me not too so I've respected that.

    The host knew about this as I spoke to her about it and I had said to a female friend of mine and hers that if she does go if that friend could look after her if I'm not there. One of the guys was at the door smoking as we entered straight away you could see my partners reaction in her being uncomfortable. She's been to a few gatherings/parties without me that's never been an issue. The FWB was in the past, his not on social media and not apart of the group, she works with him and I can accept that.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are these questionable characters your friends or hers?

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