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Thread: Really Dislike Mother in Law

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Yup this^. It's not the parents who cut the apron strings, it's the kids. This is literally all about your gf and what she wants to do or not do.

    If your gf isn't willing to enforce some adult boundaries wither her mother, there is nothing you can do but shut up and put up. The alternative is call off the engagement and I don't think you are going to do that.

    The way to look at this is that a person's family is always part of the package, especially how they interact with each other. You are not going to ever change them or change the interactions or relationships between them. It's a take it or leave it situation. So when you are thinking marriage, better think long and hard if this is something you can live with long term. It's just one of the many points of compatibility in any given relationship.
    Harsh reality but you are probably right. :/

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Luvedup.

    OP means Original Poster. You.

    Don't know about the rest of you but I am having difficulty with this:

    " she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear."

    In what kind of reality does this behaviour take place 2021.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Luvedup.

    OP means Original Poster. You.

    Don't know about the rest of you but I am having difficulty with this:

    " she spits when she talks, so going out for a meal with her is uncomfortable, she will sit in a dress with her legs far too open because she is quite large and cant fold one over the other but will be showing everything. She belches all the time. When she invites us around for a meal, she plates the food up with her bare hands, and i once saw her do that after "adjusting" her underwear."

    In what kind of reality does this behaviour take place 2021.
    Me too! So much.. i dread my gf asking her mother to stay the night at our home because i feel grossed out being around her. And thats horrible to say but i do

  4. #14
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    Hi OP,

    I think you need to ask yourself if you truly can put up with this for the rest of her parents life.

    Your girlfriend unfortunately is not going to tell her mother to back off, and you know it’s not your place to do it.

    I know it sounds harsh but put your happiness first. One day with your partner you’re going to end up taking care of this woman. If she’s really insufferable, then I would see this relationship as not a suitable match.

    You’re not going to have any more private moments with your girlfriend. It’s like you unfortunately get a two in one deal.

    Either your girlfriend cuts the apron strings or you have a serious hard decision to make.

    I was with my ex for 11 years and his mother was very intolerable. She got worse each year! As much as I loved my ex I’m glad that headache is over with. Looking back I would never do that whole relationship again because of her.

    Especially when your partner is heavily influenced by the mother.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Don't get married. If you think it's bad now, it will be worse later. Cancel the wedding plans.

    When you marry someone, they're always a "package deal." I know. I've been married for a long time and my in-laws came with that deal. Fortunately, my problem is not as bad as yours.

    Think long and hard before you make a serious legal commitment otherwise you'll regret it for years to come.

  7. #16
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    Firstly, she (MIL) is rude, very abrupt, when i first met her she couldnt have been less interested in making a first impression.

    YOU are the one, as the date of her daughter who should be making a good first impression, not mother.

    Now that we have that out of the way -- if mom adjusts her underwear and burps and farts, then just chalk it up to mom being "different", or mentally deficient, decide "that's just her" and don't let it bother you.

    I think that the other stuff -- has to totally do with your girlfriend who has not cut the apron strings. She reads letters because the girlfriends shows them off and allows her to. I would not marry at this point. Girlfriend has to come into her own with her mother otherwise she will allow mother to run your household.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Ehh did your GF go from mom's house to straight to a home with you?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    The massive details that stick out:
    We went on our first holiday overseas and because we didnt invite her she booked the exact holiday in the exact hotel a few months later and took my girlfriend with her. I took my gf to LA to propose (we live in the uk) her mum also wanted to come with us. She comments on anything we post on social media about how she didnt get an invite, how we do things without her. If we go shopping somewhere, she asks that she comes with us next time. She wants to be involved in all the wedding plan's and doesnt ask to come to our appointments, just tells us she is coming. She pressured my gf into having her cousin as bridesmaid at our wedding. She has spoke about buying a house nearer to us.
    I don’t care about the other fluff in your OP... THESE are the glaring red flags that need a serious boundary check. Mom is a home wrecker. Your fiancée needs to step up and be the adult here by being more assertive and shut her down whenever she acts out of line. Otherwise this woman will continue to run your relationship... because your fiancée LETS her.

    So for the wedding, who is paying for it? When you guys start accepting money from family to help pay for all the luxuries, then they get a say in planning. If you want a wedding where you and your fiancée control all of the planning, then you both pay for all of it.... venue, catering, photography, open bar, attire, everything.

    If you think she’s this bad, just wait until you have a baby. My husband is a Yes-Man around his mother, and the only reason our relationship is still functional is because his parents live across another ocean away from us. But I had to butt heads with my parents and in-laws EVEN MORE once I was pregnant and had my child. I still do sometimes and she’s only one-years-old. Enforcing boundaries with parents never stops.

    You got some soul searching to do. I would personally cancel the wedding unless your fiancée can start stepping up to her mother and mean business.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Well I wish you luck, you will need it.

    Is your gf an only child? My guess is yes.

    You need boundaries with this woman, there's been many suggested here in posts before mine. Enact every boundary you can think of. Pay for your own wedding so you can call the shots. My mother would have run our wedding so we made sure to pay for everything so she had no say.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I suggest pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a skilled therapist can address those issues in ways that will get through to your gf, since you haven't been able to. I'd also get a book on relationship boundaries and take turns reading it out to one another. I'd explain that you want your marriage to work, but you need to act as a team to make sure nobody, even family, has the right to just invite themselves over and to be a part of decisions you don't want them to be a part of. I'd make sure your gf knows how serious you are about wanting improvements, and that you fear what will happen if things continue as they are.

    I wouldn't marry until you see your gf placing boundaries on her mother for the good of your partnership. My MIL just passed away, but my husband and I never accepted any invitation to eat at her place because it was unsanitary. Fortunately, it wasn't really an issue that she pressed about. In your case, it might be. If I were you, I'd maybe bring a few dishes to share and "pretend" to be picky, and that's why you bring your own food. Just an idea, but you might be able to think outside of the box to come up with a plan for that issue. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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