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Thread: Boyfriend changed his mind about moving in together

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He is not as invested as you and does not want what you want. You need to pull way back rather than crowd and suffocate someone who seems rather indifferent.

    "I'm not ready" means he's just coasting along. Stop the future and relationship talks. See what he does. Stop trying to accelerate and push things forward.
    Originally Posted by Kden
    The same issues tend to be moving forward.

    he said he wasn't ready.

    he always says it's not a good time.

    I am pushed back and told that he likes his space.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't know why you would want to move in with this person after he's expressed he's hesitant to move in with you. This is him being supremely honest about the situation and you've got your lucky stars to thank! Be a bit more positive about this because there is no other option. You can either stew about it, become bitter and unapproachable, perhaps have the relationship fall apart or you can sit back and think thoughtfully and re-evaluate your ideas about the relationship or what your ideas are.

    If I was your boyfriend in this situation, watching you react so badly to not being able to move in right this moment this year, for instance, would raise a lot of red flags. I'd be asking myself why this woman is so hard up to move in with someone and what her motives might be.

    Have faith and don't let this situation devolve or move backwards in bitterness or assumptions. Both of you may have a lot more to learn and grow before taking the next step.

    Have a good look at your personal situation also and maybe have a good think about whether you're trying to escape something else. Never depend on another person for your living situation or a shared situation. It hurts now but brush yourself off and start thinking. Be a bit more logical about the process of moving in and put aside the emotions for a second. It's tough being rejected or feeling sidelined but this could be one of the best silver linings.

  3. #13
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    I'm now wondering if this is my fault, if I pushed too hard.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No, he was just into it. You don't have to push the right guy.
    Originally Posted by Kden
    I'm now wondering if this is my fault, if I pushed too hard.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kden
    I'm now wondering if this is my fault, if I pushed too hard.
    No. You didnt.

    You are entitled to your own feelings, to want things to progress.

    This is about him... some people they dint want to be alone, but they don't want to be completely in with another person.

    It is the act of a user for sure. I would dump this guy like a hot potato and find your future with someone capable of making a future... not dangling a carrot and then pulling it away.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kden
    Thank you everyone. Even though all opinions point in the same direction I still struggle with what to do. Like you have said I get these hints of something more or even outright ideas and proposals about the future but when it comes time to do the things he says he changes his mind and I get very confused. I tend to form relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I was hoping this time was different.
    Unfortunately you have picked yet another emotionally unavailable guy, so maybe it's time to work on yourself and think long and hard why this happens. In many respects, it's the like attracts like principle. You might not be aware of it, but it's very likely that you are yourself unavailable on some level. At this point, probably worth thinking about long and hard so you can fix that and get the life that you actually want.

    The whole he says things....well....yeah...that's how he strings you along. Don't look at what he says, look at what he does. What he is does is where the truth is and you already know his behavior is crap even if you are having a hard time facing it.

    As for blaming yourself.....please just don't. It's not a rabbit hole you want to go down and it won't do anything for you. If he was emotionally available, if you had an actual healthy relationship, you wouldn't be pushing anything. He'd either be moving things along with actions himself or be thrilled to talk, make plans with you when you bring it up and actually proceed, take action. He'd be excited instead of stalling like crazy while bs'ing you at the same time with empty promises. This guy is going a step beyond empty promises in that he says something, gets you excited, then denies saying it and tells you that you are just not understand correctly because he really said something completely different, must be you being cray cray. It's called gaslighting - look it up.

    You've got to find the strength to walk away from this time waster and you've got to sort yourself before you try dating again. If you keep picking these sorts...the reason is within you and it needs resolving.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    In reality, OP, this is the main issue to be addressed. Why you have that tendency. And how to get rid of that tendency, and dodge the emotionally available individuals of this world.

    "I tend to form relationships with emotionally unavailable people."

  9. #18
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You want a guy that will go to the end of the earth for you, and wants to make you happy because he is very happy to be with you...this guy is coasting along telling you what you want to hear. I agree he's just dangling a carrot and pulling it away. He's just keeping you at arms length out of convenience.

  10. #19
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    I think this is not going to end well for you, OP.

    I would take this as an opportunity to have a long, hard think about what you want and if this man is capable of being that guy for you. It seems there are more indications than not that you ultimately want different things .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kden
    I'm now wondering if this is my fault, if I pushed too hard.
    I don't think you have. But your alarm bells aren't going off. Take a big step back and try and figure out why you keep wanting something from someone who isn't willing or happy to share the same things with you. Your alarm bells should be setting off immediately - either thinking about whether there's some merit to his thoughts and decisions or whether his sloppy thought processes should be something you should be recoiling from.

    You may have looked for signs that just weren't there. He's now showing you what he really thinks. It's up to you to make sense of that as you will - whether there's some reasoning behind his changing his mind (there may very well be a good reason or you set off some of his alarm bells also) or whether he's not to be trusted at all.

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