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Thread: Lockdown time apart has changed my feelings

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    The time apart leads to detachment. It's pretty typcial and to be expected. Much like a fire, you need to feed the flame. So what do you do when you can't do that safely in the midst of a pandemic? I like Rose M's suggestions. You can try being creative in the meantime.

    How about you do nothing for the time being? Sit on this and ride it out a bit. 'throwing the baby out with the bath water' comes to mind.

    I agree with you holding your boundary about the distancing. If it doesn't work for her let her make that choice.

    My friend has a similar situation. A new relationship with a man who is really conservative about his stand on this. Four months and they only time they've seen each other is when he comes through the side gate to sit on the other side of her patio for an hour. It's hard on her, but she respects his view and in the meantime she'll patiently ride this out and wait to see what's on the other side when things (ever) return to normal.
    You can let her go, but where will she go for that matter? Just sit tight.
    Just know you aren't alone with these challenging dynamics. It's affecting relationships in a variety of different ways.

  2. #22
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    Thanks for all your replies, obviously a few weeks on from this now and a few things have changed.

    Thinks have relaxed a bit more here now in terms of the virus, we haven't had many cases so we are now going to each other houses and apart from going to places like the cinema, eating out we are pretty much a normal couple although being wary still.

    Still things don't feel right to me, every day I'm having doubts, and was about to end things last week but she has been suffering from bad anxiety, going to the doctors for medication and been signed off from work long term. I feel terrible doing it now. I just feel sick with the thought of upsetting her , I look at her and she's so beautiful and a kind soul to me, treats me well and I have no worries about her cheating or turning cruel, I almost feel like I'd regret it down the line if I ended it , but then again if I'm being honest I can't see myself with her forever, there's just "something" missing.

  3. #23
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    She's not a cute kitten or puppy who loves you. She's a person and who cares how awesome she looks or acts-if she's not a good match for you she's not. I absolutely let people go and later had regrets. It's always a risk I'm glad ultimately that I did of course. I actually didn't regret letting my now husband go that first time around. But the second time around -the blessing I got that we were both single and available all those years later and ignited such a spark in each other -if I'd let him go then yes I would have deeply regretted it. But that first time -even though we were engaged with the invitations almost in the mail - I was sad and wanted him back for awhile. but no I did not regret it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    One thing to keep in mind. It is never an ideal time to end things. There are always events, problems, future plans that make it even harder but that's life.

    Putting it off and pretending everything is ok just further hurts the person because they dont understand.

    Things like "Just last week we celebrated my birthday and he way went over the top on a gift" or "I was really sick and he was there for me every minute. now I'm better and he doesn't want me anymore."

    It is hard to let someone go. its hard to make decisions that end anything- relationships, jobs, moving, changing schools etc. but being undecided or wishy washy because you're too weak to go it alone or you want your cake and eat it too. Might indicate you have some work to do on yourself.

    Life is about making good decisions that support the life you want. If something is missing and you dont see a future. You're basically telling yourself. but its hard. I know.

    I wouldn't waste more of her time or yours than you have to. Brutal sounding I know. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. She deserves someone better and she'll find him.

    Its your ego telling you to prolong this for her benefit. People have lives before you and they have them after.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RKO
    Still things don't feel right to me, every day I'm having doubts, and was about to end things last week but she has been suffering from bad anxiety, going to the doctors for medication and been signed off from work long term. I feel terrible doing it now. I just feel sick with the thought of upsetting her , I look at her and she's so beautiful and a kind soul to me, treats me well and I have no worries about her cheating or turning cruel, I almost feel like I'd regret it down the line if I ended it , but then again if I'm being honest I can't see myself with her forever, there's just "something" missing.
    If she was writing this about you, on another forum, what advice would you give her? If you knew she was writing this—thinking it, feeling it—would you want to continue to invest your time and emotions with her? Would you feel understood and respected, or pitied?

    I know it's never easy, all this, but for a good long while now your writing about her and your relationship has carried a similar tone. If you think of that tone as a melody, maybe ask yourself: Is it the one you want to define you?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    At some point you'll have to let her know rather than drag out a sham.
    Originally Posted by RKO
    I think I realised I'm happier single.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Could part of her anxiety be the fact that she senses you are not all in?

  9. #28
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    Things got a bit better here as cases dropped, we had a pretty decent summer as restrictions were lifted and not much covid about

    Unfortunately her anxiety carried on, almost to a weekly point she would have quiet periods and just be off with me for no reason, she said she should have "come with a warning"

    She hasn't been working all summer, signed off because of it, she has no intention to go back, her family think she should be assessed for bi polar because of her mood swings (not an expert but don't think she has it)

    I tried to work through it, but I realise as much as I care for her I don't see myself marrying her, I'm like on egg shells not knowing what character I'm getting day to day. We had a great Saturday and woke up together on the Sunday and she was off with me all day, then Sunday evening top of the world.

    Back to covid, unfortunately it's back with a vengence here now, I actually had to get tested last week (negative) after being quite rough with symptoms. Her family are continuing to mingle together (they all work in schools, so are picking up all sorts) and that is a huge worry for me.

    I know I have to end this, but I am being a huge coward I know, it's going to break her heart, obviously I will be upset too but it's just so hard.

    I don't know how to even start this

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Could part of her anxiety be the fact that she senses you are not all in?
    Sorry about all this.

    I'm curious if reinvent's words above, written over the summer, resonate at all. Not saying you are the cause of the anxiety, but just that people often can sense when a partner is ambivalent, questioning things, not fully "in." Some can handle that better than others, some are more confrontational than others, and some—many?—can spin out into an anxious state, particularly if they're already vulnerable on the mental health front.

    There is never a good time or, really, a good way to end things. But if you know this is your truth? Withholding it from her is cruel. And if you're not totally certain? I think you owe it to her, and yourself, to be brave enough to find a way to talk about that with her.

  11. #30
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    There is never a good time. I think her sense you are distancing from her makes her anxiety that much worse. Try to do no back story "I'm sorry. This is not working out for me. I think we should separate." The end - cut the cord - if you need to divide stuff up or you promised to connect her with mental health resources do that with as little direct contact as possible.

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