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Thread: Lockdown time apart has changed my feelings

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If she knew how you felt, she wouldn't want to be with you. Set her free so she can eventually find someone who is crazy about her. That's not you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like you're on the same page due to several reasons, covid being the main reason. Please take good care of yourself. I hope your mum is doing well.

    It also sounds like the stress of the virus spreading is muting and dissolving whatever good dating vibes you used to feel while being with her. You haven't said anything about her as a person that might be negative - only concerns about her work and current lifestyle which are incompatible with yours and these are all covid-related.

    If you're feeling so stressed out that you can't relax around this person, the answer is obvious although I'm sure you don't want to hurt her and are confused about where your reasoning is coming from.

    Spend a few minutes and think about where your hesitations lie and then make a decision. Right now you sound confused and not sure where your uncertainties are coming from.

  3. #13
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    I would be afraid too if I were you. If I live with my parents in no way will I expose them to higher risk with discretionary social contacts.

    This pandemic has revealed a lot of differences in values among my friends. Some of them do not care in the least for social distancing and just go out and hang out as much as they can. Many of them are wary but still happy to party again once things started to reopen. I am a lot more cautious and try to do things virtually whenever possible. I've had to turn down many invites to birthday parties, BBQs, picnics, etc. and could have lost quite a few friends in the process. I am really glad that my bf and I are pretty much on the same page about this as if he was more like one of my carefree friends, it would have been a deal breaker. It is sad but differences like this can be too significant to live with in a relationship.

    I didn't get the impression from your post that you were mostly enjoying the chase and got bored once she became too available. On the contrary, it seems like your interest fizzled out due to a long-distance like situation. Not every couple deals with distance well, especially since you haven't been together for very long before it started. It may be salvageable when the distance is removed, but given that you don't really feel the urge to and your concerns regarding the virus, it might be best to end things for now and maybe reconnect after the pandemic if you both want to.

  4. #14
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    Thanks for your replies everyone.
    It is sad how things are going, it was all really good to start with and we were sure we would get through it, I was still feeling as strong for her as I ever did but yes the social distancing has taken its effect.

    She works in a pharmacy, her parent she lives with is a teacher, they are also having her sister , her husband and child around, and tbh I think they have since day one.
    Cases in my town are zero however, they have been for a few days niw. But I'm still wary.

    My mum wont have anyone in the house, I don't blame her, she is warming to the idea of me interacting with her more but she still gets very anxious and upset, I don't blame her at all, I feel guilty, I should be protecting her.

    I am almost petrified to touch her, we have kissed and held hands but the feelings of love has gone from that now and it's pure anxiety. When we do go for a walk or a drive it's now like I'm doing it with a friend rather than my girlfriend.

    She suffers from anxiety so her moods have been up and down, and selfishly this is bringing me down too, before the pandemic I helped her through, now I can't help, even though she is only a 5 minute drive from home.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't need to convince yourself that you want to end it.

    Your mother wants you to end it and that is who you are constantly with 24/7 and who your primary relationship is with..

    Just tell her it's not working out.
    Originally Posted by RKO
    My mum wont have anyone in the house, I don't blame her, she is warming to the idea of me interacting with her more but she still gets very anxious and upset, I don't blame her at all, I feel guilty, I should be protecting her.

  7. #16
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    It sounds like you've chosen to react to your anxiety by emotionally distancing from her. You know I have a new but pretty good friend and recently I decided to take space from her (we text -haven't seen each other since pre-pandemic ) because I am disgusted at how she is behaving lately as far as the virus and her family and her mother in law. And really turned off by her hypocrisy. My reaction is to distance myself -I won't ghost if she texts me but I'm keeping my distance - and it remains to be seen if it will have a permanent effect on our closeness. You've learned things about your girlfriend through this hard time and you don't like it and it feels icky and like you can't be close to her when she makes these choices. I get it.

  8. #17
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    Honestly, if you want to date through this time I think the best option is to move out and limit your contact with mom to online, phone calls, and hanging out in her garden/front yard while keeping physical distance and/or wearing masks. If you live alone and do not expose anyone else to higher risks due to your behavior you'll probably feel a lot better about this. You might still take issue with how she's not doing what she could to protect her family though. That's her and their choice - you need to decide if you can live with that, if you all become family one day.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    For some reason—your all-caps screen name, perhaps—I recall your earlier posts without having to look back. It's a very limited window into another human's life, I know, but just being honest? My impression with this relationship is that you've been a bit more on the fence, even before the pandemic, than you wanted to admit. No judgement, as dating is all about exploration, seeing what develops, or not, and so on.

    Still, I can't help but wonder if this disconnect has been simmering for a good bit, with the lockdown etc. bringing it to a boil rather than triggering it. Shortly before meeting her you were writing about being happy single, while also questioning that happiness: wanting sparks and butterflies, but not finding it. Then you met her and were frustrated by the lack of sparks and butterflies, but opted to see what developed—if, perhaps, a new paradigm could work for you at this stage in your life. Soon after things were good, but then questions came again on the topic of paying for dates. And when quarantine started you were worried about things "fizzling," which is to say you were calling this moment before it came.

    I could be completely off, but I guess what I'm saying is that maybe, if we remove this crazy moment, this is a story of dating someone for a little under a year and realizing, for all the positives, some essential glue is missing, that an idea was being forced, a touch, as much as a connection was evolving. I can only speak for myself, but my strongest relationships have not had a lot of doubts and nerves in the early months. While a global pandemic is pretty left field in terms of something to confront at the 6 month mark, I do think that's a period where "reality" starts asserting itself, and the strength of a connection gets "tested" a bit. The less jitters and doubts one has leading up to that moment, the better the chance of weathering it.

    Food to chew on, or not, as you see fit. Really sorry about this, as I know at various points you've gotten pretty invested in this working. But the present circumstances—covid, you living with your mother, etc.—sound pretty trying on the romantic front.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RKO
    Thanks for your replies everyone.
    It is sad how things are going, it was all really good to start with and we were sure we would get through it, I was still feeling as strong for her as I ever did but yes the social distancing has taken its effect.

    She works in a pharmacy, her parent she lives with is a teacher, they are also having her sister , her husband and child around, and tbh I think they have since day one.
    Cases in my town are zero however, they have been for a few days niw. But I'm still wary.

    My mum wont have anyone in the house, I don't blame her, she is warming to the idea of me interacting with her more but she still gets very anxious and upset, I don't blame her at all, I feel guilty, I should be protecting her.

    I am almost petrified to touch her, we have kissed and held hands but the feelings of love has gone from that now and it's pure anxiety. When we do go for a walk or a drive it's now like I'm doing it with a friend rather than my girlfriend.

    She suffers from anxiety so her moods have been up and down, and selfishly this is bringing me down too, before the pandemic I helped her through, now I can't help, even though she is only a 5 minute drive from home.
    This is not a happy situation and you're torn apart with anxiety. Read a bit more about stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) and its effects overall on the body and mind.

    Given your personal situation and your living situation, I don't think you're in the right place to date anyone unless you start to start to really deconstruct where your feelings of intense fear are coming from and why you feel there's so much pressure to touch or kiss or make out or have sex each time you see each other. Having her and you hang on to this is unkind if it continues this way. Being petrified constantly and in fight/flight mode is being unkind to yourself and your mental health is suffering. This isn't a functional or sustainable. See if you can open up a few things in conversation.

    Here's my suggestion:

    Tell her how you feel and that you're having a very hard time right now focusing on a relationship because of the risk of transmission for covid. Don't blame her for her work or her lifestyle.

    Ask her how she is doing and how she is feeling about the covid situation and having to juggle work, family and personal also. Both of you need to open up this can of worms and start communicating a bit more about how it's affecting your relationship.

    You can propose to try again to see each other in a couple of months if both of you are free but continuing to meet up with this heightened sense of extreme fear is hurting you. Are there ways for both of you to share intimacy and laughter? Can you not enjoy a boardgame in a park? Or hold hands (with lots of sanitizer and washing)? Can you have fun challenging each other with photography sessions and see who captures what picture on a shared outting? Can you also challenge each other remotely with video calls and speak about other ideas and topics going on in the world right now? How well do you know each other?

    I get the sense also that you feel there's a lot of pressure for there to be physical affection between the both of you but relationships go deeper than that (I know you know that). Don't feel reluctant to speak about issues beneath the surface. Intimacy can be shared in other ways, not just physical affection. Both of you seem to be lacking in that closeness in mind. Can you explain more why this is?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. When this is all over or perhaps especially now, you need to move out of your mother's house if you want to date. She does not seem keen on you having gfs, covid or not.
    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    Honestly, if you want to date through this time I think the best option is to move out and limit your contact with mom to online, phone calls, and hanging out in her garden/front yard while keeping physical distance and/or wearing masks.

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