Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Unintentionally comparing relationships/partners

  1. #1

    Unintentionally comparing relationships/partners

    Looking for some advice please. Iím male and have been seeing someone (female) for a while now (around 9 months) and it seems to be going well, despite being apart in lockdown although we spoke regularly.

    However, my crazy brain overthinks absolutely everything in my life (I suffer from OCD) and, while we do have a bit of a laugh, my ex-wife had exactly the same weird sense of humour as me and made me laugh more than anyone else ever has. But everything else was disastrous. We finally divorced in December 2018 after being off and on for several years because the pattern kept repeating itself.

    She was my first proper long-term partner but the relationship was very turbulent - lots of ultimatums to me which I had to get on board with or there would be hell to pay. For example, she threatened to annul the marriage shortly afterwards if we didnít move house immediately to the place she wanted to move to. It was a case of me having to fit in to everything she wanted (and they were big things for me like where in the country to live, which specific house to live in (which actually wasnít right for me to feel comfortable in and from which we could never move), spending money instantly when she wanted to renovate the house) or she would say I didnít love her and that I lied to her before I married her because I wasnít going along with everything she wanted. My needs and wants werenít ever considered or discussed.

    Every other part of my new relationship is much better (communication, empathy, consideration of the other, no pressure to do anything you donít feel comfortable doing - a mutual respect and she is very stable) so why am I focussing on this? Whatís wrong with me? I suppose my fear is that Iíll never find that level of laughter again in a partner. It is very important to me to laugh in life and be a bit daft etc. Am I knee-jerking for some reason? Is part of it my relative inexperience in long-term relationships?

    I just donít want to hurt my new partner in any way because that wouldnít be fair on her hence why Iím seeking advice here. She knows about my past and was very supportive and sympathetic when I told her about it.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,174
    We tend to have different dynamics with each partner.

    Do you mind me asking how often you see each other and do you describe in vivid detail the horrors of your previous marriage to your current partner? You mentioned that she's supportive and sympathetic but this seems more like a role of a therapist.

    Here's my suggestion:

    Cut back on any more discussions about your issues. Try to enlist the help of a qualified professional to help you work out your OCD or other mental health issues.

    In terms of your current relationship, reintroduce more lighthearted date ideas. Be a gentleman. Treat her like a lady and take her out. Be less self-absorbed. If she's straight-faced all the time, figure out what makes her laugh and what she finds amusing.

    You're both lacking in the laughter and bonding that way. You seem to sense it too.

    I'd caution bringing issues from the past into any relationship. We can't change our histories or things that have happened but it does mean it's our responsibility to manage those issues personally before dating again. The older you get, the more they can add up. If I sense that someone hasn't figured themselves out while I'm dating them or the past still haunts them, these are dealbreakers I can't get past. Supportive and sympathetic does not happen. New issues in the relationship I can understand but I am in no way signing up to be someone's therapist. Like you, I need to laugh a lot too and feel light enough to float and just... be.

    It is ok not to date if you are not ready.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    23,138
    Gender
    Female
    Just because we take up with perfectly nice and good people, that doesn't necessarily make them a good match.

    If you want a level of simpatico you've learned exists, and you don't want to settle for less, then don't string anyone along while you pretend to be happy settling for less.

    We get lots of friends, but if we're monogamous, we only get to pick ONE partner. That's not about someone's worthiness as a partner--everyone is worthy. It's a private decision about whether or not someone is RIGHT for us.

    Chose wisely, and recognize that moving forward to find a your RIGHT match makes nobody a villain. We just need to adopt the villain role in order to get out of committing to the wrong people. That's a live-and-learn thing that we tend to do less of over time once we've discovered how to screen properly.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    38,085
    Gender
    Female
    Time to find a therapist and medication. My husband has OCD. 1000% better on meds and learned to stop ruminating.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    25,005
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Backofthenet

    Every other part of my new relationship is much better (communication, empathy, consideration of the other, no pressure to do anything you donít feel comfortable doing - a mutual respect and she is very stable) so why am I focussing on this? Whatís wrong with me? I suppose my fear is that Iíll never find that level of laughter again in a partner. It is very important to me to laugh in life and be a bit daft etc. Am I knee-jerking for some reason? Is part of it my relative inexperience in long-term relationships?

    I just donít want to hurt my new partner in any way because that wouldnít be fair on her hence why Iím seeking advice here. She knows about my past and was very supportive and sympathetic when I told her about it.

    Thanks for reading.
    thats what having friends are for. Or pay to see a comedian. If we rely on a girlfriend or boyfriend to be everything to us, it wears them out. Maybe you are focusing on this as an excuse to sabotage things in your mind.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,169
    Gender
    Male
    Do you miss the drama? It sounds like the intensity held you together despite how toxic it was. Your new gf shouldn't have to be a comedian or entertainer. That's about distracting you from your problems, not dating.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    4,349
    Gender
    Female
    Your situation sounds a lot like mine, whereas the laughter was more frequent with my ex-husband but the marriage was otherwise crap. I remarried and my husband and I do laugh together, although not as often because we have different sorts of humor. For those types of things, I don't see it as a must-have. Actually, my younger brother and I share the exact same sense of humor and laugh up a storm while everybody around us just shakes their heads.

    My husband doesn't like to read and I love to, so I get my discussions-about-books fix by talking with my grown daughters, my Dad, and other book lovers.

    I do have must-haves for a partner that my husband does provide.

    Think about your must-haves, and decide if sharing the same sense of humor should be on the list or not. Make sure that it's not your psychology that is sabotaging a good thing. Sometimes when you have poor self esteem, subconsciously you reject who is good for you because it doesn't feel right--you think you're not worthy.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,562
    Don't look for problems when there aren't any otherwise you're creating unnecessary drama for yourself and her.

    Be appreciative and grateful for everything positive in your relationship and focus on gratitude. Then you'll be much more happier than ever before.

    While laughter is great, don't focus too much on humor. Humor comes from lightheartedness and when life doesn't feel serious all the time. Intelligent humor can be sporadic yet still joyful indeed. No one wants goofy humor either.

    My husband and I have a dry sense of humor and we're both fine with it. We don't become idiotic with excessive humor. There is a happy medium and a time and place for it. We have a lot of deadpan humor every now and then. Both of us have dry wit.

    Give your relationship a chance. If you're dissatisfied and still questioning whether or not she is "thee one," perhaps she will not make you happy for the long term. Decide and determine then, not now.

    In the meantime, take it one day at a time.

    Don't overthink otherwise you're creating unnecessary stress for yourself. Savor each day and find joy in it.


Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •