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Thread: Living in harmony with opposite traits

  1. #11
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    I'm assuming it's something we both want, because he also says he will not give up and that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. I know it's probably hurtful for him when I say "do you??" but that is just how I feel right now. :(

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with the others, sometimes you reach a point where fighting about the laundry, its not about the laundry.

    Its pent up frustration and resentment from accepting behavior, that is frankly unacceptable to you, over time.

    Which can come from not being able to express oneself fully. Which speaks to the foundation of the relationship. The best telationships are based on shared values, goals and effort.

    When these don't match the effort becomes too much and because we don't value the same, we can't understand the other person. Our core values & life goals are so intuitive to us, its hard to see another perspective.... And that lust and physical attraction that made is over look them before, its not enough.

    These issues were probably always there.... maybe your just not compatible for the long term?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    I'm assuming it's something we both want, because he also says he will not give up and that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. I know it's probably hurtful for him when I say "do you??" but that is just how I feel right now. :(
    It doesn't matter what a man says, it matters how he treats you. He is treating you badly. You can either address that and resolve it or you need to be willing to move on from that. Do not ever tolerate abusive behavior from anyone.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The place is in your name? Start the separation process. Quietly. Start looking for jobs, get to a doctor for the mental health. Talk to friends and family rather than him about things. Do Not look for counselling for him or try to fix or change him. An abuser Does Not Change. Focus on getting him OUT of your home and life.

    No one should be called a cont and berated all day in their own home. Start separating finances, talk to your banks. Change all your passwords and account info. Get your ducks in a row financially and mentally.When you feel better ask him to move out.
    Originally Posted by quark
    I feel myself starting to detach. I guess I can only take 2 months of what feels like constantly being judged and berated.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Ugh!! I feel like just banging my head against a wall. This is why I want to seek therapy so someone can guide us in conversation and understanding. It's like a sensitivity merry go round!
    We chatted over dinner about the chores thing. We talked about dishes and sometimes I don't get to them until late afternoon the next day.. so I said how about we make sure they are all done the night of? He put some stuff away in the dishwasher, and I continued on to wash the crock pot. It's about 7:10, he says don't you need to feed the dog? Now, feeling attacked (wrongly) like I don't know how to take care of my dog who i personally feed, walk and shoot with insulin twice a day...I say "it's not 7:30 yet". When.. really i should have just said, I'm washing up the pots. So, he in turn feels attacked like I'm calling him stupid. Then he says that he just wanted to relax and hang out with me. So I say, which is it? You want me to relax, or you want me to pitch in with chores more? Or is it just what you want when you want??
    We continue to have a conversation on the couch
    **i feel like it's really important to mention that the friend i posted about previously made a reappearance and i stupidly went out with her, we came back to the house (drunk) and she berated my boyfriend, shouting for like 45 minutes like a psycho drunk. I have since had an epiphany and cut her out of my life for good, but he is still angry with me for repeating mistakes and not standing up for him more**
    So, I try to explain my headspace for the past few months.. how depression and anxiety have got a hold of me and I didn't even know what to do. How i felt he was not understanding or supportive of that at all. And he says he doesn't want to marry someone who can't "handle it".

    Wow.

    Okay.. that's all i needed to hear, and I told him that before researching nearby pet friendly hotels and then coming upstairs to the bedroom.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My ex husband complained when I wasn't working. He complained about how I wasn't bringing in money. He also said I had no rights because I didn't "contribute". (I guess raising our two kids didn't count as a "contribution").

    So I got a full time job. And he pressured me to quit! Said I was "stressed out" all the time and that things weren't getting done around the house.

    See, he didn't want me to work or NOT work. What he wanted was to have something to <female dog> to me about. It didn't matter what I did, it was going to be wrong.

    Noticed I wrote EX husband...

    Any chance you can move in with family?

  8. #17
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Urgg!! The more I think about it the more angry I get. WHY say you don't want to marry someone who "can't handle it" instead of literally anything else.

    I'm sorry you felt/feel this way, how can we turn it around?
    Don't worry, we are all going through stuff, we will figure it out.
    I know how you feel, it's okay, i love you.


    Literallyyyy anything but what he said. It's like he gave up. I have been SO supportive of his rants about his job without pointing the finger at him and telling him what he should be doing.

    Im so upset right now. If i "move out" it will be extremely temporary as this place is mine.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Yeah, then he needs to go. I can't imagine why he thought that was at all helpful or comforting to say.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Why can't you get a job? I feel he's picking at you for everything except the one giant glaring issue. He doesn't respect you at all and I don't think it's because of the apartment. It sounds like he thinks he's doing more than you are and you're not doing enough, period.

    You can either take it constructively (how he's going about it is not constructive, by the way) and self-evaluate or you can keep going back and forth in this terrible, negative merry-go-round.

    The problem is he doesn't respect you. Yes, it's emotionally abusive. Try and figure out what helps you lower or eliminate those feelings of despair and depression, find your independence and self-empower. Talk to someone if you have to. I think your mental health is suffering horribly and this is hurting you. It hurts reading what's going on. Start making plans NOW.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by quark
    We chatted over dinner about the chores thing. We talked about dishes and sometimes I don't get to them until late afternoon the next day.. so I said how about we make sure they are all done the night of? He put some stuff away in the dishwasher, and I continued on to wash the crock pot. It's about 7:10, he says don't you need to feed the dog? Now, feeling attacked (wrongly) like I don't know how to take care of my dog who i personally feed, walk and shoot with insulin twice a day...I say "it's not 7:30 yet". When.. really i should have just said, I'm washing up the pots. So, he in turn feels attacked like I'm calling him stupid. Then he says that he just wanted to relax and hang out with me. So I say, which is it? You want me to relax, or you want me to pitch in with chores more? Or is it just what you want when you want??
    We continue to have a conversation on the couch
    So sorry about all you've been through. Hugs.

    It might be the tones but if you both heard attack from seemingly innocuous questions/comments such as "don't you need to feed the dog?" "It's not time yet" etc there's been a great deal of resentment built up. The steam was looking for a way out and basically anything could trigger a nuclear reaction. It could be that you two are just too incompatible and it has reached the point where anything you do simply irritates each other. No one should live in a state of constantly being berated and criticized, not by their partners, be it two days or two months.

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