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Thread: Casual sex

  1. #1
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    Casual sex

    I have been hooking up with a friend of mine for the past two months. We were already good friends before we started sleeping together. Yesterday he joked and said that he never put any effort in the sex. I was quite hurt by that and started to ask what was really going on. At first he didn’t want to tell because I probably wouldn’t understand. He told me that it took him effort and commitment to sleep with me. During the act he enjoyed it because he likes sex a lot in general. I am trying to understand what he means, because this sounds pretty bad to me.To me it sounds like he only did it to please me since I was taking care of him. We lived together during the quarantine since we could not go back to our own countries. I have been making him food everyday, massaging him when his back was hurting. I can say for sure that he enjoys spending time with me and that he cares for me. We kiss and cuddle all the time. He even asked me to go back with him and work at the same place. It all confuses me so much. I am not in love with him but I do see him as an important guy in my life. It was also nice to get affection after breaking up with my ex last year. Why do you guys think he meant by that? In my opinion it is weird to sleep with someone if it takes effort and commitment to do it. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nathalie91
    Yesterday he joked and said that he never put any effort in the sex.He told me that it took him effort and commitment to sleep with me.
    Sounds like you're just a convenience for when he's bored and of course because it's "easy". ..... I'd show him I have some self-respect and tell him he can go and find someone else. End of.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems like FWB who live together, but are not in love or dating.

    You need to stop over investing in this emotionally. Don't feed, massage or act like a service or servant. Even if you are just staying together as FWB, keep your perspective.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    I have been hooking up with a friend of mine for the past two months. We were already good friends before we started sleeping together.
    ~ Oh dear :/... Is a big risk to go that far with an actual 'friend', can cause some problems.

    Yesterday he joked and said that he never put any effort in the sex.
    ~ IMO, guys especially don't need to really bother.. 'putting in much of an effort'.. Is mainly just fun.

    I was quite hurt by that and started to ask what was really going on. At first he didn’t want to tell because I probably wouldn’t understand. He told me that it took him effort and commitment to sleep with me. During the act he enjoyed it because he likes sex a lot in general. <~ There.
    I am trying to understand what he means, because this sounds pretty bad to me.To me it sounds like he only did it to please me since I was taking care of him.
    ~ Do you think then, with this, you are looking too hard into this? Expecting more.. since you feel YOU are giving more?
    The way I see it, is it is 'just sex' and is how he see's it. ( fwb).
    So he doesn't expect you to see it any other way... therefore NO emotions or expectations.

    We lived together during the quarantine since we could not go back to our own countries. I have been making him food everyday, massaging him when his back was hurting.
    ~ Sounds like a 'bonus' for him, eh?

    I can say for sure that he enjoys spending time with me and that he cares for me. We kiss and cuddle all the time.
    He even asked me to go back with him and work at the same place. It all confuses me so much.
    I am not in love with him but I do see him as an important guy in my life
    .
    ~ I am sure he is.. important. But you have crossed that line, of 'friendship' now :/.

    It was also nice to get affection after breaking up with my ex last year.
    ~ Okay, so it made YOU feel good in this as well? Are YOU still steaming over your ex at this time? Maybe still needy, or sad etc?

    Why do you guys think he meant by that? In my opinion it is weird to sleep with someone if it takes effort and commitment to do it.
    - Guys especially often find it hard to 'explain' themselves and he may have felt cornered.
    I am in process or reading 'Men are from Mars, women from Venus'.. In a nutshell, they are so different from us.
    YOu may just be looking too hard into all of this.

    Back off with expectations, if you are just fwb's.
    No expectations.. and dont question him... See if you two can get along now still, as just friends.. and I suggest you no longer think of the physical aspect with this guy... your 'friend'.

    Only thing to maybe consider is what he asked.. about going back to his home town?
    He may want to think again on that as well.. as things simmer down with you two... or not.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you have language barrier between the both of you? Different mother tongues? You are from different countries? I feel like there's a lost in translation moment here.

    First he jokes he never put in effort and then after you ask for more clarification out of curiosity, he says he does put in effort and commitment. Of course you are confused.

    I read this in two ways: 1) the offended way, same like you and 2) that he said he doesn't put in effort means the sex is effortless for him meaning it's amazing.

    Despite the communication issues, I think he likes you (nothing in what he says demonstrates that he's taking you for a fling). You say you're not in love with him but I think there's more there. Otherwise, you wouldn't care at all where he puts his "efforts" during or after quarantine.

    Why do you say you're not in love with him? Do you also have a pattern of misunderstanding each other? He said that you wouldn't understand - I feel like he almost anticipates you misunderstanding him completely.

    Try working more on your feelings and being more genuine with each other. If you're afraid of being yourself around this person, don't sleep with him anymore. I hope you both are able to come to a clearer understanding.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    During the act he enjoyed it because he likes sex a lot in general. How I read this? That once he mentally gets past not having chemistry with you, he can enjoy the physical sensations of throwing you a bone.

    Since you get along well, if he had chemistry with you, wouldn't he ask you to be his girlfriend?

    FWBs are meant to be temporary. Since you're upset, isn't this a good time to exit the arrangement?

    Unfortunately, now that you've crossed this line of having sex with a friend, no new romantic prospect will want to date you when he finds out you're buddies with a man you had sex with. If you choose to keep him as an "important" man in your life, you will be giving up a chance at real romance with someone who is actually crazy about you in every way.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He was being pretty honest. What you have between you two is basically an agreement to use one another's bodies for enjoyment but no emotions attached to it.

    If he is admitting that he is finding it work now though, I would show him the door as that wasn't good at all. Who would want to stay around someone who admits they find you an effort?

    No, he should leave.

  9. #8
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    Yikes. That was an unnecessary comment.

    It seems that he only sees you platonically and was doing you the "favor" of engaging in sex. Time to stop playing the wife and ask him to leave.

    Why were you making him food?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully it will be over when you move out and go back to your respective homes. Blurring the lines like this is bound to generate heartache.
    Originally Posted by Nathalie91
    We lived together during the quarantine since we could not go back to our own countries.

  11. #10
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    I don't think it's worth it to have intercourse with all this drama/miscommunication - hopefully you have discussed what effort/commitment will go into the situation if you get pregnant.

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