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Advice needed- talking to a recently divorced man


jo162999

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I feel as though I am at a crossroads. It's a long story and I'm not sure where to begin. I was friends with a man for 2.5 years who was married at the time. We basically worked together for that time period and became really close friends (texting a lot and hanging out at work, having lunch together everyday, etc.) but we never hung out outside of work. Things did cross the line in that we flirted heavily, admitted how attracted we were to each other and even kissed once in his office (we stopped because we were interrupted). I mention that to say that it was never just a friendship.

Long story short, we ended our friendship some time later when he separated from his wife the first time and I found out he was dating someone else (he tried to keep it from me and never admitted it but I found out through social media.) I confronted him and we decided to end our "friendship" or whatever it was.

 

Two years later he contacted me and asked if we could be friends again. We started to text and it got sexual right away. I found out that he was now separated from his wife and living in another state. That was a little over a year ago. Throughout the next year, we texted on and off and it was usually sexual, although he told me that he was interested in more than just sex. He was now living 5 states away from me and so, we have yet to see each other in person, although he assured me that he wanted to and believed it would happen when the time was right.

 

A couple of days ago, I decided that I was going to tell him that I can't be friends anymore. I had just given up that this would ever go any further. Then I found out that his divorce was recently finalized. That kind of made me think that maybe I should not push him. I know that it's not wise to date a recently divorced man and he seemed to know that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I wonder if I should just continue to be his friend and wait and see. I don't want to waist my time but I don't want to prematurely end something that might turn out to be something. I guess I am looking for advice as to what to do next, what to say to him, how to approach him about this without being pushy. Part of me does not want to lose his friendship because he is one of my best friends but a part of me can't continue to live in this limbo anymore. What should I do?

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Sooo....you are worried about him being recently divorced, but had no problems with him cheating on his wife and also being a part of his side chick rotating stable? Really?

 

Cheaters are liars and you can never ever believe a word he says. You can bet your life that he is playing you and who knows how many other women yet again. Why on earth would you want to get involved with such a bottom of the barrel loser?

 

What you should you do is block and delete him and get your head screwed on straight. Maybe revisit your personal value system.

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Can you be purely a friend with sexting or flirting? If you can put your emotions aside and be a bit more reserved and logical about it, I don't see what's wrong. Most people would advise against it because this would be an uphill battle for you trying to convince yourself out of every interaction, whether he's meaning something more or not. You'll overanalyze like crazy.

 

It sounds like you're looking for a committed relationship and are emotionally attached to him. This is a bad combination from your standpoint. If you can detach yourself and cool it, yes, you can be friends. If you're unable to control your feelings for him or want him to be something he's not, this is no good for you. You're always going to be or sound pushy. It's because you're looking for something that he isn't able to give.

 

This person also sounds very disillusioned and scattered, even dishonest by omissions. He's all over the place. Are you certain you want to put your heart and your wellbeing into the hands of an individual who isn't all there (mind and spirit)? He's got things to sort out and this seems like a very precarious position to put yourself in.

 

Emotional attachments aside, what draws you to him? Does he have any positive qualities or qualities you admire? What's your background? Are you sure you're not falling for the first man who's showing you some attention after a long marriage or dry spell?

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Can you be purely a friend with sexting or flirting? If you can put your emotions aside and be a bit more reserved and logical about it, I don't see what's wrong. Most people would advise against it because this would be an uphill battle for you trying to convince yourself out of every interaction, whether he's meaning something more or not. You'll overanalyze like crazy.

 

It sounds like you're looking for a committed relationship and are emotionally attached to him. This is a bad combination from your standpoint. If you can detach yourself and cool it, yes, you can be friends. If you're unable to control your feelings for him or want him to be something he's not, this is no good for you. You're always going to be or sound pushy. It's because you're looking for something that he isn't able to give.

 

This person also sounds very disillusioned and scattered, even dishonest by omissions. He's all over the place. Are you certain you want to put your heart and your wellbeing into the hands of an individual who isn't all there (mind and spirit)? He's got things to sort out and this seems like a very precarious position to put yourself in.

 

Emotional attachments aside, what draws you to him? Does he have any positive qualities or qualities you admire? What's your background? Are you sure you're not falling for the first man who's showing you some attention after a long marriage or dry spell?

 

Thank you for the reply! I could try to just be his friend and set a boundary not to interact sexually and that would save our friendship. The problem with that is I don't really think it would make a difference in how I feel. The problem is that while we were friends before I was completing in love with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him now but when we talk those feelings tend to come back. I could just end it all together, but then I would miss the friendship, so I'm in a bit of a catch 22 either way.

 

What drew me to him in the first place is that we get along really well, think a lot a like, have fun together and have always been really comfortable with each other from the beginning. I wasn't looking for a relationship back then and had no intention of falling in love with someone but when I met him it just happened. I fought it as much as I could but being forced to be around him, it just happened. I'm not going to make excuses and I admit that things crossed lines that shouldn't have been crossed. I feel bad about that, but it is all water under the bridge and there is nothing I can do about it now.

 

I don't think it was about falling for the first man to show me attention as I wasn't looking for it at all. It was just that I ended up in a position where I had to interact with him for a few years and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I thought it would be ok at first to just hang out and be friends because I didn't think anything would happen, but then I found out that he felt some sort of way for me too. I guess I got in too deep and then couldn't just get out. It's not that I want to put my emotions in his hands, it's just that I have felt something for him for such a long time.

 

I would love it if I could just be his friend and turn off my emotions but you are right, I want more and he can't give it right now. I'm just not sure if he really wants that down the line at some point or if he is just using me to get attention from a female. I guess I want to know if it is a possibility for something down the line but don't know how to ask him or if he would even be honest with me if I did.

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It depends on if you want a texting/sexting friend or want to date local single men.

He was now living 5 states away from me and so, we have yet to see each other in person, although he assured me that he wanted to and believed it would happen when the time was right.
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I don't know, OP. He sounds shady and not a wise investment for your heart.

 

He flirted with other women while married. Separated, started dating someone else but hid that from you, went back to his wife, separated again, is now divorced and wants to be friends but things immediately got sexual. And it's still usually sexual, by your own account.

 

This does not sound like a man who takes you very seriously. He enjoys getting his rocks off with you but when it's usually about sex? Well, it is usually about sex - and not much more. I wouldn't get your hopes up with this one.

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Thank you for the reply! I could try to just be his friend and set a boundary not to interact sexually and that would save our friendship. The problem with that is I don't really think it would make a difference in how I feel. The problem is that while we were friends before I was completing in love with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him now but when we talk those feelings tend to come back. I could just end it all together, but then I would miss the friendship, so I'm in a bit of a catch 22 either way.

 

What drew me to him in the first place is that we get along really well, think a lot a like, have fun together and have always been really comfortable with each other from the beginning. I wasn't looking for a relationship back then and had no intention of falling in love with someone but when I met him it just happened. I fought it as much as I could but being forced to be around him, it just happened. I'm not going to make excuses and I admit that things crossed lines that shouldn't have been crossed. I feel bad about that, but it is all water under the bridge and there is nothing I can do about it now.

 

I don't think it was about falling for the first man to show me attention as I wasn't looking for it at all. It was just that I ended up in a position where I had to interact with him for a few years and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I thought it would be ok at first to just hang out and be friends because I didn't think anything would happen, but then I found out that he felt some sort of way for me too. I guess I got in too deep and then couldn't just get out. It's not that I want to put my emotions in his hands, it's just that I have felt something for him for such a long time.

 

I would love it if I could just be his friend and turn off my emotions but you are right, I want more and he can't give it right now. I'm just not sure if he really wants that down the line at some point or if he is just using me to get attention from a female. I guess I want to know if it is a possibility for something down the line but don't know how to ask him or if he would even be honest with me if I did.

 

Thanks for being so frank.

 

The problem with the part in bold is that you're hinging your present on future tense. This means you're conducting your present business on 'could bes' and 'what ifs'. This is no way to live. You're setting yourself up for living in limbo. Most states of limbo are not sustainable over time. It is an act of disillusionment itself. I think you could be selling yourself short.

 

My suggestion is to cool it no matter what - with him or without him. This isn't going to end well if what you really are looking for from him is something more. He's not appropriate dating material and his actions in the past have shown that to you (he's inconsistent and scattered all over the place). The process of slowing things down might give you some perspective.

 

I'd opt to cut down on the flirting and keep in touch as friends. The romance part isn't working. Enjoy the friendship and limit the romantic interactions, flirt here and there if you're a flirt anyway (you're just doing you and there is nothing wrong with that) but keep your heart out of it. This isn't a good place for you to become rooted or attached.

 

I think this practice might test your friendship also and see whether he has more substance than just a sexting buddy or flirting buddy. Let's see how interested he is in you overall as a person once you're not always available to stroke his ego. You'll see each others' true colours that way. Go easy.

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I don't know, OP. He sounds shady and not a wise investment for your heart.

 

He flirted with other women while married. Separated, started dating someone else but hid that from you, went back to his wife, separated again, is now divorced and wants to be friends but things immediately got sexual. And it's still usually sexual, by your own account.

 

This does not sound like a man who takes you very seriously. He enjoys getting his rocks off with you but when it's usually about sex? Well, it is usually about sex - and not much more. I wouldn't get your hopes up with this one.

 

Yeah the fact that he doesn't seem to think it a big deal to cheat on his wife is definitely a very big concern. Like I said, I know he's not the ideal choice. It's not that I would choose this but I am already invested.

I don't think that our friendship is ONLY about sex and I can talk to him about anything and he will respond and talk. I think we have a solid friendship foundation and I'm sure if I cut out the sex stuff, he would still be ok to just talk about other stuff too. In fact, the first day that we talked again after the 2-year separation, I was the one that started the sexual stuff. He pointed out that this was not all he wanted and stated that he was "interested in other stuff too." Before when we were friends while he was married, we talked about all kinds of stuff and got to know each other very well. So I don't think that it is only about sex. I would also point out that as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. That is kind of why it is so hard for me to just give up our friendship...

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Thanks for being so frank.

 

The problem with the part in bold is that you're hinging your present on future tense. This means you're conducting your present business on 'could bes' and 'what ifs'. This is no way to live. You're setting yourself up for living in limbo. Most states of limbo are not sustainable over time. It is an act of disillusionment itself. I think you could be selling yourself short.

 

My suggestion is to cool it no matter what - with him or without him. This isn't going to end well if what you really are looking for from him is something more. He's not appropriate dating material and his actions in the past have shown that to you (he's inconsistent and scattered all over the place). The process of slowing things down might give you some perspective.

 

I'd opt to cut down on the flirting and keep in touch as friends. The romance part isn't working. Enjoy the friendship and limit the romantic interactions, flirt here and there if you're a flirt anyway (you're just doing you and there is nothing wrong with that) but keep your heart out of it. This isn't a good place for you to become rooted or attached.

 

I think this practice might test your friendship also and see whether he has more substance than just a sexting buddy or flirting buddy. Let's see how interested he is in you overall as a person once you're not always available to stroke his ego. You'll see each others' true colours that way. Go easy.

 

Thank you. I think the challenge is to keep my heart out when that is not how I am and when I was already invested before.

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Yeah the fact that he doesn't seem to think it a big deal to cheat on his wife is definitely a very big concern. Like I said, I know he's not the ideal choice. It's not that I would choose this but I am already invested.

I don't think that our friendship is ONLY about sex and I can talk to him about anything and he will respond and talk. I think we have a solid friendship foundation and I'm sure if I cut out the sex stuff, he would still be ok to just talk about other stuff too. In fact, the first day that we talked again after the 2-year separation, I was the one that started the sexual stuff. He pointed out that this was not all he wanted and stated that he was "interested in other stuff too." Before when we were friends while he was married, we talked about all kinds of stuff and got to know each other very well. So I don't think that it is only about sex. I would also point out that as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. That is kind of why it is so hard for me to just give up our friendship...

 

If you put 100K into a company and it went bankrupt, would you insist on putting in another 100K of your money in that, so you would lose 200K, or would you cut your losses immediately and move on? Already invested is not a good reason to keep compounding your loss in a bad investment. It's reason to cut things off and get out.

 

Also, you were able to walk away just fine before, so what's changed now. Again, why of all the men out there, are you choosing a proven cheater for yourself? What's going on with you?

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If you put 100K into a company and it went bankrupt, would you insist on putting in another 100K of your money in that, so you would lose 200K, or would you cut your losses immediately and move on? Already invested is not a good reason to keep compounding your loss in a bad investment. It's reason to cut things off and get out.

 

Also, you were able to walk away just fine before, so what's changed now. Again, why of all the men out there, are you choosing a proven cheater for yourself? What's going on with you?

 

I ask the same as DF.

 

Throwing good money after bad is never an advisable course of action.

 

".....as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. "

 

Why not give the single men of this world a chance?

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If you put 100K into a company and it went bankrupt, would you insist on putting in another 100K of your money in that, so you would lose 200K, or would you cut your losses immediately and move on? Already invested is not a good reason to keep compounding your loss in a bad investment. It's reason to cut things off and get out.

 

Also, you were able to walk away just fine before, so what's changed now. Again, why of all the men out there, are you choosing a proven cheater for yourself? What's going on with you?

 

It was really very difficult to walk away and completely broke my heart. It took me a long, long time to even come close to getting over him and then when I did, he came back. The only reason I was able to walk away was because it was too difficult to watch him date someone else.

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Then try cutting the sex talk and see, if you want to be sure.

 

And yes, the fact that he cheated on his wife should indeed be a very big concern. His moral compass is broken. Did he ever seem to express any remorse for that?

 

No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.

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No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.

 

Yeah, I hear cheating messes up marriages. That aside he lied and messed you about as well. He was married, he was involved with you and he was dating someone else and lying to you and his then wife about that third woman....that you know of anyway. That's a pretty high level of effed up and no, people like that don't feel remorse. He is entitled. I will emphasize again - you cannot ever believe what a cheater tells you, especially about his relationships.

 

This guy came sniffing around you again because he already got you to engage with him inappropriately before and so knows he can fool you and use you again. It's up to you, whether you say yes or no to that. If you do say yes, be sure you understand that you will never be the only one, he will always be cheating and you better be using condoms and have a standing appointment at the STD clinic. Keep in mind that some "presents" he might share with you don't have a cure. Some women are fine with that, are you? When you think of your dream relationship, is that what it looks like?

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I'm not sure what more he could possible do to openly display his disloyalty. He obviously didn't care about the woman he exchanged vows with, therefore why would you be the exception? Unfortunately, many have to learn the hard way that past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

 

Sorry, I had to say it, What a catch!

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He's shown he's perfectly fine with cheating on his wife.

 

And that old "we're living as 'roommates'" line? Please, that is so old and tired.

 

No matter how "invested" you are, I don't know why you'd want to change places from the one he's cheating with to the one he's cheating on.

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No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.

 

This is all the more reason not to try to pursue anything with him. He thinks cheating was no big deal, has poor relationship habits and flimsy boundaries ...this is not a man who is going to be the solid, reliable partner you probably want.

 

You also likely don’t have any idea what their relationship was truly like. You know he’s capable of playing fast and loose with the truth and hiding things to suit his agenda. Don’t make the mistake of assuming his version of their marriage is entirely accurate.

 

Too many red flags on him.

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No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.

 

Unfortunately, I have heard this before. At the time I didn't know it was code for "emotional detachment", non-availability and neglect in the marriage.

 

This is your code to tread very carefully.

 

I agree with the others to please be wise and careful with your heart and how you spend your time. Placing a lot of importance on someone who isn't emotionally available is a losing battle.

 

Be kind to yourself. Treat him as a friend and nothing more. If you're not able to do this, slowly wean yourself off of the interactions and start immersing yourself with new friendships, join local interest groups, become more active in your community, meet people and start introducing new faces to your life. The change is usually gradual as nothing happens overnight. It's bit by bit, day by day, breathing new life and oxygen into that fire.

 

When I've felt myself attracted to emotionally unavailable people, I've asked myself also - am I emotionally available? Why do I sense a mirroring or as if it's "safe" or an attractive option? Look at other ways of interpreting what your own drawbacks and disadvantages are, pull down your insecurities in a relationship. In other words, don't settle for less than what you deserve. Boost your self-esteem and look for fulfilling friendships and relationships that give back to you as much as you can give to those kinds of interactions.

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The only danger with staying in the wings with someone like this and who is long distance, is it keeps you from finding a local man of your own. The harm is that you want more than friendship.

I would also point out that as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. That is kind of why it is so hard for me to just give up our friendship...
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Aaahh, an old familiar tune.

 

"they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time."

 

Glad at least that the word "seem" is in there.

 

Not really your concern whether they had problems for a long time. If that were the case then all he had to do was end the marriage (on those grounds), become "free" again, and then seek better "emotional connections".

He sure is no prize.

 

 

I ask what DF asked above:

 

"When you think of your dream relationship, is that what it looks like?

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He was never a friend, and he only wants sex-clear from his communications.

 

He is a terrible candidate. Your picker is way off in the man department-you already know he is a cheater, and shame on you for flirting and kissing a married man. What is missing in your life where you would ever believe your behavior is okay?

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No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.

 

Here comes the excuses.

 

He has zero respect for you. Certainly you have real friends?

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Yeah the fact that he doesn't seem to think it a big deal to cheat on his wife is definitely a very big concern. Like I said, I know he's not the ideal choice. It's not that I would choose this but I am already invested.

~ Then is best YOU stop this... and IMO, I suggest you back away UNTIL you know you are no longer invested- especially knowing he is not the ideal choice.. Just like an actual break up- We can NOT be 'friends' unless or until we know we are over them.

 

I don't think that our friendship is ONLY about sex and I can talk to him about anything and he will respond and talk. I think we have a solid friendship foundation and I'm sure if I cut out the sex stuff, he would still be ok to just talk about other stuff too. In fact, the first day that we talked again after the 2-year separation, I was the one that started the sexual stuff.

~ Yes, of course he will respond & talk with you... But, as you mentioned before.. the lines have been crossed now.

Is so often the woman who becomes emotionally invested.. and sadly, you happened across this man when he was so messed up :/.. And he was so far from 'able' to be involved with you on an emotional level... he may never be.

As for you going there once again re: sex? Not a good move really :/. Especially of you are basically trying to see this guy as 'just a friend'.. Then be respectful and don't cross that line anymore.

At this rate, yes, you will be getting yourself deeper & will be so confused- again not getting something you want- which sounds like more than just a friendship.

Please back off this stuff and work on taking care of YOU in this. If you can't keep it together , especially knowing you are emotionally invested, then may be best to keep your distance to work on accepting & healing, with all that has occured between you two... and get yourself back to half a norm.[/i]

He pointed out that this was not all he wanted and stated that he was "interested in other stuff too." Before when we were friends while he was married, we talked about all kinds of stuff and got to know each other very well. So I don't think that it is only about sex. I would also point out that as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. That is kind of why it is so hard for me to just give up our friendship...

~ take a good look. Often men/women are not able to just be friends.. men seem to want more than that.

But I have already had my say.. Be careful. Dont get lost even more in this.

He is many states away? Why even think of him in any more than a friend..

Hence.. No Expectations.

Work on moving on from all of this.. and start fresh. Find friends etc more local.

 

Time to let this all go now?

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