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Thread: Advice needed- talking to a recently divorced man

  1. #11
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    Then try cutting the sex talk and see, if you want to be sure.

    And yes, the fact that he cheated on his wife should indeed be a very big concern. His moral compass is broken. Did he ever seem to express any remorse for that? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If you put 100K into a company and it went bankrupt, would you insist on putting in another 100K of your money in that, so you would lose 200K, or would you cut your losses immediately and move on? Already invested is not a good reason to keep compounding your loss in a bad investment. It's reason to cut things off and get out.

    Also, you were able to walk away just fine before, so what's changed now. Again, why of all the men out there, are you choosing a proven cheater for yourself? What's going on with you?
    I ask the same as DF.

    Throwing good money after bad is never an advisable course of action.

    ".....as a friend, he is very supportive and will go out of his way to help me in any way that he can. He always has, even when he was married. "

    Why not give the single men of this world a chance?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If you put 100K into a company and it went bankrupt, would you insist on putting in another 100K of your money in that, so you would lose 200K, or would you cut your losses immediately and move on? Already invested is not a good reason to keep compounding your loss in a bad investment. It's reason to cut things off and get out.

    Also, you were able to walk away just fine before, so what's changed now. Again, why of all the men out there, are you choosing a proven cheater for yourself? What's going on with you?
    It was really very difficult to walk away and completely broke my heart. It took me a long, long time to even come close to getting over him and then when I did, he came back. The only reason I was able to walk away was because it was too difficult to watch him date someone else.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Then try cutting the sex talk and see, if you want to be sure.

    And yes, the fact that he cheated on his wife should indeed be a very big concern. His moral compass is broken. Did he ever seem to express any remorse for that?
    No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jo162999
    No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.
    Yeah, I hear cheating messes up marriages. That aside he lied and messed you about as well. He was married, he was involved with you and he was dating someone else and lying to you and his then wife about that third woman....that you know of anyway. That's a pretty high level of effed up and no, people like that don't feel remorse. He is entitled. I will emphasize again - you cannot ever believe what a cheater tells you, especially about his relationships.

    This guy came sniffing around you again because he already got you to engage with him inappropriately before and so knows he can fool you and use you again. It's up to you, whether you say yes or no to that. If you do say yes, be sure you understand that you will never be the only one, he will always be cheating and you better be using condoms and have a standing appointment at the STD clinic. Keep in mind that some "presents" he might share with you don't have a cure. Some women are fine with that, are you? When you think of your dream relationship, is that what it looks like?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry but he ain't looking to be friends, and TBH he wouldn't make a good one anyways. The guy is a snake in the grass.

  8. #17
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what more he could possible do to openly display his disloyalty. He obviously didn't care about the woman he exchanged vows with, therefore why would you be the exception? Unfortunately, many have to learn the hard way that past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

    Sorry, I had to say it, What a catch!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He's shown he's perfectly fine with cheating on his wife.

    And that old "we're living as 'roommates'" line? Please, that is so old and tired.

    No matter how "invested" you are, I don't know why you'd want to change places from the one he's cheating with to the one he's cheating on.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by jo162999
    No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.
    This is all the more reason not to try to pursue anything with him. He thinks cheating was no big deal, has poor relationship habits and flimsy boundaries ...this is not a man who is going to be the solid, reliable partner you probably want.

    You also likely donít have any idea what their relationship was truly like. You know heís capable of playing fast and loose with the truth and hiding things to suit his agenda. Donít make the mistake of assuming his version of their marriage is entirely accurate.

    Too many red flags on him.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jo162999
    No in fact he does not seem to think it a big deal. I would also say that they seem to have had a very messed up relationship, lots of issues, no emotional connection, like roommates, etc. They seem to have had problems for a long time.
    Unfortunately, I have heard this before. At the time I didn't know it was code for "emotional detachment", non-availability and neglect in the marriage.

    This is your code to tread very carefully.

    I agree with the others to please be wise and careful with your heart and how you spend your time. Placing a lot of importance on someone who isn't emotionally available is a losing battle.

    Be kind to yourself. Treat him as a friend and nothing more. If you're not able to do this, slowly wean yourself off of the interactions and start immersing yourself with new friendships, join local interest groups, become more active in your community, meet people and start introducing new faces to your life. The change is usually gradual as nothing happens overnight. It's bit by bit, day by day, breathing new life and oxygen into that fire.

    When I've felt myself attracted to emotionally unavailable people, I've asked myself also - am I emotionally available? Why do I sense a mirroring or as if it's "safe" or an attractive option? Look at other ways of interpreting what your own drawbacks and disadvantages are, pull down your insecurities in a relationship. In other words, don't settle for less than what you deserve. Boost your self-esteem and look for fulfilling friendships and relationships that give back to you as much as you can give to those kinds of interactions.

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