Do I have Co-dependancy issue?

Hey guys. I've found so much help and truth through this website, and I thought I would reach out again for your honest opinions.

I've been reading through psychological writings and found that there is a mention of co-dependancy, and that many of the "symptoms" they mention match to how I sometimes react and feel. I'm gonna open up about myself and my issues in the hopes of coming to terms with my problems. And yes, I am going to see a psychologist to properly work through this, but honestly, I didn't know co-dependancy existed prior to finding this wonderful page so talking about it may help others to yelp themselves.

Okay, here goes. As a child, I was mentally and physically abused by my parents. Not like the usual smacked bottom and told off for doing something naughty type of thing, but actually yelled at and told I was a mistake, that i shouldn't have been born and that they wished I wasn't born, as well as my father attempting to strangle me to death, had objects broken over me, told that I'm going to be killed etc. Now, this only occurred when my parents were intoxicated, and as such I associated alcohol with abuse. My dad went into therapy for a few years, and is pretty much a different person now. My mum watched me suffer for years and worked proactively with me and countless psychologists and psychiatrists to mend not only my mental health (which took a turn for the worse when i grew into a teen) but our relationship. Years have passed, but I'm still heavily uncomfortable around my parents and family when they are intoxicated. I have problems with my mum still, but i have the ability to leave the situation now as I am not dependant on her anymore. But yes, I want to always please her and feel the utmost guilt when i upset her or disappoint her.

Stepping through to relationships, I had a short relationship as a 17yr old where I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was completely ghosted by my partner at the time. Thankfully, it wasn't too painful. I can't blame them for leaving, I didn't know if i was going to survive.

Next one was 4 years long, and one hell of a mess. The start of the relationship was horrible, but it smoothed out pretty quickly, 2 years passed and things were bloody horrid. I tried to end the relationship but was hit with what should of made me run for the hill, "if you leave, I'm going to kill myself". But, I stayed for a further two years, through more threats, more trying to leave, getting slapped across the face and punched hard in the stomach and shoulders. It ended when they cheated on me and broke up with me. Stupid me thought i would try to make things work though, thankfully I walked away after a week or so and haven't looked back since.

The last one, well, it was the best I've ever had. Problem is, there were issues through it that i covered over. I put myself into uncomfortable and volatile situations in order to comfort them when they had family issues, constantly validated them and their feelings, let go of friends to prevent them being upset with me, even spent more time with their family than mine so that they didn't feel guilty for not being at home. 3 incidents of physical abuse from them which i chose to ignore. In the end I just started to convince myself that they were right so as not to upset them. I would of done anything for them, absolutely anything.

The big thing in this is that these are all my actions, all my fault. I'm not taking the blame on the people of my life, I am blaming myself for putting up with these behaviours, for continuing to try and ignore these behaviours, to still push for relationship that is toxic. Why on earth do I keep myself in these situations?

So ENA angels, what do you think?

You sound like a doormat, giving too much leeway to essentially screwed up emotional people who wanted to control you.

You sound kind hearted and vulnerable to abuse by s.

You must be patient in finding someone who is kind hearted too.

Also you can reset yourself, you are you, you are the here and now. What you had before is no longer the reality.

You have to let go of looking after these ed up broken animals that can’t be fixed.

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are repeating the family dynamic in relationships. You have not appropriately distanced from and severed these toxic relationships.

You glossed over having cancer and launched back into why your relationships are painful.

The number one thing to do is take better care of yourself physically, emotionally and socially.You need to make sure you are not drinking or around drinking.

It would also help to reach out more the LGBT community and understand abusive dynamics in lesbian relationships.

Please address the ongoing over involvement with drinkers . http://https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Other people's abusive behaviour is not ever your fault. I'm sorry you're been through this.

However, it does appear that your picker is broken, as you keep choosing abusive partners and don't leave the moment you are mistreated the first time. Perhaps you are repeating the same pattern of seeking approval from your mother through these partners. You choose people who are similar to her, and the dynamic probably resembles the broken relationship you have with her to some extent. I am not a therapist by any stretch, but my guess would be that you seek approval from these people because that's the only real dynamic you know; it's familiar, even if it's toxic and destructive.

So, that is where I would put your focus now: identifying and running from red-flag behaviour, rather than towards it. This is often also a question of improving one's self-worth and self-esteem, so that you don't look to other dysfunctional people to make you feel wanted and important.

I am blaming myself for putting up with these behaviours...

 

So ENA angels, what do you think?

Hello, luv. Why are you using the term 'blame,' and why do you believe that it's necessary?

Do you believe that 'blame' must be assigned in order for something advantageous to occur?

Does assigning blame, especially to one's Self, assume that some form of penalty must follow, or could that penalty have been already paid through the lesson itself?

Hello, luv. Why are you using the term 'blame,' and why do you believe that it's necessary?

 

Do you believe that 'blame' must be assigned in order for something advantageous to occur?

 

Does assigning blame, especially to one's Self, assume that some form of penalty must follow, or could that penalty have been already paid through the lesson itself?

Hey catfeeder, I guess i blame myself because i stay in those situations and end up getting really hurt. I know after this last relationship that i don't ever want to be in that situation again, so I'm working through why I put up with this stuff.

I don't blame myself for the way other people behave, but i blame myself for staying in those situations when i should of run for the hills.

Reflection is a powerful tool for me, so I'm using it to observe my past behaviours and work on them so this doesn't happen again.

Reflection is a powerful tool for me, so I'm using it to observe my past behaviours and work on them so this doesn't happen again.

Good job. I'd just remove heavily charged words from the process. The goal isn't to position yourself as an adversarial judge and jury against yourself, but rather to become your own best counsel and coach.

When we can view our 'past self' as being less experienced, less informed, and less capable of discarding old coping strategies that have since begun to fail, then we can be kinder and more forgiving of our mistakes. This kindness extends toward others as well, and we start viewing the world through a lens of learning rather than blaming.

When we see fewer villains in the world, our lives become easier instead of unnecessarily harsh and harder.

Head high.

Codependence is essentially an extreme psychological and emotional attachment and reliance on a partner. So, going from that definition, yes you are codependent in that you become hyper attached and therefore experience extreme emotional pain and hardship in letting go.

This sort of attachment can be driven by any number of factors. In your case, just from reading all of your threads, I get the sense that it's less about your parents and more about your own somewhat uncertain and muddy sense of self, self identity. This is more about answering questions like who am I as an adult, as a woman, as a person, as a human being. What are my values and beliefs. Most importantly, what are my boundaries with people, relationships, friendships, etc. What am I willing to tolerate and what I will not tolerate. When you have a strong and clear identity, then you'll find that with that comes a certain level of personal confidence and security within yourself in that you will no longer feel dependent on others because deep down you know you'll be OK on your own. You can rely on yourself emotionally and you know that you'll form other relationships when you are ready.

Fixing your picker kind of goes in line with the above. When you gravitate toward toxic people it's typically because their negativity resonates with you in some way deep down. Basically, you are in agreement with them. For example, if an abusive partner says that "you are sooo stupid, you just can't do anything right without me", on some level this statement resonates with your own unhealthy low view of yourself, so you stay. It might hurt your feelings, but nevertheless, you stay because it does resonate. So important to fix that about yourself - your view of self and who you are so that toxicity stops resonating and instead becomes revolting. Something you quickly walk away from.

Overall, the world will bombard you with bs a thousand different ways before breakfast, so you have to know firmly who you are and what you will and will not accept. When you are not clear about that, then it's easy for toxic people to come in and bs you and manipulate you.

I really like catfeeder's sentiment here, and was thinking something similar.

Imagine that, instead of writing about relationships, you were writing about learning a new, challenging skill. How to ride a bike, how to surf, something like that. It's a process, and there are inevitable moments of hurt, disappointment, time spent doing it in a way that exhausts, drains, leaves you dizzy, maybe even scraped up. No need to blame or find the hottest coals to drag yourself over, only to listen, and adjust, so you can do the thing in a way that produces genuine joy rather than depletion.

You're young, pretty new to being an adult in the scheme of things, and you're doing the thing we're all doing, all the time: learning how to be, figuring out who you are in your own skin so the reflection of yourself in the mirrors of others isn't mistaken for yourself. Stumbles, hurt, choices that make sense in the moment but later prove to be less than sensible: this is part of it. The kinder you can be to yourself in learning—less antagonistic, less judgmental—the more that approach starts guiding you toward a different level of connectivity, different paradigms in connecting, because you're brining yourself up and tapping into your personal well of confidence.

Very, very few of us come of age with a great model of this thing we all call love. We have our parents, who have their faults, some more extreme than others. We have books and television and movies. We have poets and pastors and whatever else. These are the early guides, and they are all, invariably, lacking, because they are other people, not us. So, sure, perhaps you've recreated some of those lacking family dynamics in your early shots at romance, tolerating behavior and treatment that doesn't make sense but did when you had no choice over your surroundings—happens. You're not 82, looking back on life, but standing at the starting block looking out onto it all.

There is a line, not so fine, between reflection and rumination, listening and judging. Make sure you stay on the right side of it when handling yourself. In that you're creating the model of how you'll handle others, and what kind of energy you let into your life and keep out.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to this post. I have studied each one of your responses and it is truely amazing how much all of your responses have opened my eyes to different things.

I cannot thank you all enough.

I admit that I am the first to blame myself for things. Over the past few days since posting this thread I have made a conscious effort to not allow myself to do so. I'm trying to find the balance between admitting my faults and working on them, and blaming myself for actions and things i do.

I have come to dislike the word "blame". I think self reflection and responsibility for my actions better suits. I am not to blame for what happened, but I am responsible for my part in things. If i think of it this way, taking responsibility for my own actions, and realizing that others are responsible for their actions, blame can't really be applied.

Yes, I chose to stay in relationships that were not good for me. Yes, I was hurt. That was my desicion to stay, and it is my future responsibility to learn from it and protect myself.

My picker is broken, my self esteem is slowly growing, my self love is slowly getting there. Taking responsibility for my actions really is forcing me to see that I, as a woman, as a human, don't know who I really am at this current point in time. And that's okay, because i will know who I am, I will continue to grow and learn and tske responsibility for myself, for my actions, for my life. I WON'T however take responsibility for the actions of others any longer.

You are all incredible people, and I thank you all so much.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to this post. I have studied each one of your responses and it is truely amazing how much all of your responses have opened my eyes to different things.

I cannot thank you all enough.

 

I admit that I am the first to blame myself for things. Over the past few days since posting this thread I have made a conscious effort to not allow myself to do so. I'm trying to find the balance between admitting my faults and working on them, and blaming myself for actions and things i do.

 

I have come to dislike the word "blame". I think self reflection and responsibility for my actions better suits. I am not to blame for what happened, but I am responsible for my part in things. If i think of it this way, taking responsibility for my own actions, and realizing that others are responsible for their actions, blame can't really be applied.

Yes, I chose to stay in relationships that were not good for me. Yes, I was hurt. That was my desicion to stay, and it is my future responsibility to learn from it and protect myself.

 

My picker is broken, my self esteem is slowly growing, my self love is slowly getting there. Taking responsibility for my actions really is forcing me to see that I, as a woman, as a human, don't know who I really am at this current point in time. And that's okay, because i will know who I am, I will continue to grow and learn and tske responsibility for myself, for my actions, for my life. I WON'T however take responsibility for the actions of others any longer.

 

You are all incredible people, and I thank you all so much.

Yay, you! Most of us learned at some point a defensive position of taking up someone else's critical voice in our own head. This becomes an invisible judge and jury that we walk around trying to answer to, and it forms a habit of anticipating a degree of criticism that, frankly, nobody else is really interested enough to apply.

When you can liberate yourself from being your own worst adversary, you can relax into discovering your own private ethics, and then you can just live by those. That simplifies things a LOT.

Head high, you're doing great!