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Thread: I feel lonely, and neglected

  1. #1

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    I feel lonely, and neglected

    Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for four years, living together for two. We're similar in that we're both introverts with a lot of trouble communicating. We simply can't speak about the troubles we have very effectively. Because of this, and also because of our differing work schedules which keep us apart for days sometimes, we've exchanged emails as a way to get out what's on our minds. We both are better at writing our feelings than we are talking about them.
    A few weeks ago, he told me he had doubts about us. I share some doubts too...and admitted that...but of course it's still hurtful. I cried to him about it the next day, and he told me he didn't mean it at all, he wants to be with me forever, said, "if you only knew how I really feel about you, you wouldn't be sad."
    But...I stayed sad. I ended up writing a email, asking him if he felt he was settling, and of so, why, and wouldn't he rather be with someone who made him happy (because he told me he wasn't happy, but he wasn't 'unhappy'), and went on about how much I have difficulties with feeling wanted, and how hard I find it to be comfortable & just be normal and joke around with him, if I'm doubting his feelings for me all the while.
    That was three weeks ago, ish, and no response. Nothing. He told me he got the email. So why won't he take the time to respond? Reassure me? Am I just not worth the effort? Just so lonely. Thanks for your advice.
    Last edited by Joanna84; 07-04-2020 at 11:42 PM. Reason: Wrong word

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry OP, but I think his initial email about having doubts was true.

    He back-pedalled when he saw how hurt you are but I think his continued silence tells you that hes just not on the same page. But honestly? Your relationship was already in a lot of trouble if you live together and resort to emailing each other rather than speaking face-to- face about such important matters. That poor communication is likely the symptom of a much bigger and longer-standing disconnect between you two.

    I think you and he need to pull yourselves together and have an actual conversation. Not through screens, but sitting across from each other, live and in real time. Your relationship is on thin ice and emailing each other about it is not an effective or mature way to handle it.

  3. #3
    From a mans perspective I think he is just plain tired of trying to make you feel wanted. You know, exhausted.

    So he backs off from reassuring you by answering your email.

    I think your own behavior needs to change, you need to reassure yourself that everything is fine and keeps repeating this affirmation to yourself.

    I think you both need to just laugh together and actually be in the moment, without angst for the future.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Start making time to do things in person. Knock off hiding behind emails.

    Do you still live together? You are lonely because you are hiding and withdrawing from real life. For example do you sleep together? Do you eat together? Do you do stuff together?

    Who started this email thing and why? That alone is a huge problem. Stop asking for reassurances in these passive aggressive ways.

    The emails have devolved into 2 personal journals talking at each other rather than any form of a real connection or meaningful communication.

    Start making real time for each other.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-05-2020 at 04:15 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Written words can lack the adequate tone trying to be expressed. Major discussions should happen in person. You can always learn new skills. Take turns reading chapters to each other from books like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and The Five Love Languages.

    Ask for what you want in concrete ways. If it's a reasonable request and your partner cares, he will want to please you. Ask him what he would like improved in the relationship.

    Of course, if you're getting bogged down with relationship discussions, that becomes a dreary existence. What do you do that's plain fun in your relationship? Try some new things together. There are videos on You Tube where you can learn to dance together. Choose a type you both would find fun and try it. Cook or bake together. Try a new recipe. Go to a couples store and pick out new stuff for the bedroom. Look at Cosmopolitan magazine online for articles on how to spice things up. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  7. #6
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    I understand all people are different and relationships are different, but E-mailing each other doesn't sound like good communication. You live together, you sent the E-mail to your boyfriend three weeks ago. Why are you waiting for him to reply to the E-mail when you could just talk in person? Open communication is a very important part of a relationship. If after four years you have to send E-mail, that doesn't sound like you have good trust and communication. I think you need to start talking to your boyfriend in person. Practise doing that. You could also do some relationship counselling to work on these issues.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I can actually understand the communication via email, especially if feelings are heightened and you want to think about and be careful with what you say.

    But in terms of relationship health, it's not a great sign. It shows that you both have trouble communicating with each other, especially after four years.

    You should both be able to comfortably speak out loud to each other.

    Originally Posted by Joanna84
    A few weeks ago, he told me he had doubts about us. I share some doubts too...and admitted that...but of course it's still hurtful. I cried to him about it the next day, and he told me he didn't mean it at all, he wants to be with me forever, said, "if you only knew how I really feel about you, you wouldn't be sad."
    But...I stayed sad. I ended up writing a email, asking him if he felt he was settling, and of so, why, and wouldn't he rather be with someone who made him happy (because he told me he wasn't happy, but he wasn't 'unhappy'), and went on about how much I have difficulties with feeling wanted, and how hard I find it to be comfortable & just be normal and joke around with him, if I'm doubting his feelings for me all the while.
    That was three weeks ago, ish, and no response. Nothing. He told me he got the email. So why won't he take the time to respond? Reassure me? Am I just not worth the effort? Just so lonely. Thanks for your advice.
    Sounds pretty manipulative on his part, like he's toying with your feelings. It's like he said what he said to get a reaction from you, then took it back so that he could reset and passive-aggressively attack again via stonewalling.

    Why do you put up with this?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't want to be with you but doesn't know how to tell that to you directly and he possibly hasn't let go of the fact that he's afraid of letting you go. There are people like this. Unfortunately you are on the receiving end now after four years.

    Three weeks is not much to understand the end especially if someone else isn't clear with you.

    All emails and methods of communication aside, this person isn't not as into you as you are into him. It'll take time for you to gather yourself together and process this on your own.

    What I suggest going forward:

    No more emails or texts or phonecalls. You've done enough and it's his turn to reach out to you if he feels fit. Use the time now to decide whether it's worth waiting around for. You may have to make your own decisions about what happened and whether this relationship is as fulfilling to you as you may have made it out to be.

    If you couldn't communicate very well about your problems, how do you know if you agree or disagree on anything? How do you know you're on the same page on anything really after four years? Were any issues resolved?

    Do you want to talk about them here? What went wrong over four years?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Like a lot of guys, they rather sweep things under the rug, and just get on with life. If the main focus of your communications is about troubles, then I can see why he would have doubts. It's become too depressing, a big downer, and sees no point in continuing like this. If you are mostly feeling down, negative and can't be happy, that's with you, not with him. Not seeing each other for a few days shouldn't be an issue. You simply go do your own thing, and be happy with life/ have fun. Maybe you are too dependent on this relationship.

  11. #10

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    Thanks so much to those who answered! I was expecting people to tell me to stop choosing emails over discussing things in person, and you're all right about that. I disagree with someone's suggestion that its passive aggressive though. If anything I'm weak & cowardly for communicating this way. And we're both too passive.

    In the last four years, we've done this email exchange thing 4 or 5 times, so not often, but too much I guess. It's just done on occasion when we have an 'obstacle', for example the last time we did email exchanges was about 8 months ago when he asked me to cosign for something, I said no as we'd initially agreed to keep all finances separate until/unless we became married. He was upset by my refusal, so there was some back & forth emails about that.

    It's hard to explain my strange crippling problem of not being able to open my mouth and speak, and yet I can write. But yes...hiding behind a screen is bad.
    I also completely, completely understand that no one wants to have a lot of ongoing conversation about the state of the relationship, or having to continually reassure the other person...it would be depressing and exhausting. But other than the last month or so, there has been very little of these types of conversations. As i said, 4 or 5 times have we had these more serious discussions.

    Yes we do many things together, as we love each other and live together...we make breakfasts, go fishing, go on drives, swim in our pool, binge eat in front of the TV, sleep together, all the normal couple things I guess.

    He's on a work trip now, but when he gets home I will have to toughen up and have that conversation in person...as I feel we've reached a point where our relationship either 'is or isn't', and that's the conversation I kinda tried starting in the email, but seeing as it was ignored, I have to bring it up in person. As I said, I have had doubts about us too. I'll just have to think of the right things to say & ask. Someone asked, "how do you know you're on the same page with anything after four years?" And I dont know what page he's on. It's like were close and not close at the same time. I'm not sure what he feels for me right now. So, I have to choice but to be a downer & try to talk about it again.

    Someone suggested that he is being manipulative or stonewalling for him to ignore the email i poured my feelings out in, well, it's not nice to ignore me, but I dont think he has set out to be mean. It's true what someone said, that he would rather sweep it under the rug and go on with his day. He's that type. I am too...to an extent.

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