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Thread: Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?

  1. #1
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    Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?

    I need some advice as lately I feel like an emotional mess and really need to take a step back and figure out my life a little bit. I am 25 years old, female and I have been in quite a few relationships that repeat the exact same pattern. I meet a guy and even though I'm not that interested or attracted to him, I begin a relationship. I have been in a couple of these relationships and I am currently in one right now. I never feel properly "in love" with the guy I am with. It feels very hard to leave and end things as I don't want to hurt my partner who is already invested.

    Recently, some events have made me realize I need to figure out why I repeat these relationships. For example, I am a lot of the time annoyed with my boyfriend and he is just being himself. I also don't feel attracted to him at all and I find myself internally nit picking at his appearance. We have been dating for 6 months almost and I have never really felt that spark of being in love or excitement. We get along pretty well when we aren't arguing and share interests and humor but I just don't at all feel that sexual attraction and connection. I am always wondering what else is out there.

    My last relationship was also like this but had its own unique set of issues, that one lasted a year. My first relationships was very unhealthy but lasted four years, and I was crazy about this guy and would do anything to fix things. Since then, I don't think I have been in love but have settled and stayed with people I knew I wasn't meant to be with.

    I feel like the relationship patterns happen the same way: A guy likes me and pays attention to me and treats me nice and I settle for being with them, I feel unhappy and doubt and question the relationship and then we break up.

    Instead of blaming my partner I am trying to take a look at myself and figure out why I repeat these patterns and how to stop them. I have anxiety, depression and low self esteem so I am wondering if my poor relationship patterns have something to do with this. I also had a pretty rough childhood with parents who had an unhealthy relationship, any advice is appreciated as my mind right now is such a scrambled mess with thoughts. Thank you.

  2. #2
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    Your pattern is safer -if you don't fall in love or feel that spark you feel more in control and have less to lose if it doesn't work out. Are you afraid of being "alone"?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Have you been alone for long periods or are you serially dating? (Dating all the time)

    I ask as it doesn't sound like you've found any real joy in being on your own which can be wonderful and fulfilling in itself. If I put myself in your shoes, I'd be just as irritable, confused and feeling like things are spiraling out of control. Have you considered being on your own or is there pressure to be in a relationship? How are your relationships with your parents and family? When you hang out with your peers are you always talking about your relationships?

    I think there's something to be said about the company we keep also - having some balance in your peers and friendships is important. They consciously and subconsciously frame our thoughts and give rise to new ideas... or worse, cause us to be stagnant in old ideas or old ways of living.

    Take a closer look at all your relationships, not just the romantic ones. Are there influences that are pushing you towards being in a relationship for the sake of being in one?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just stop doing it because it serves no purpose to you or them. You see the problem, now end it with your BF and learn to love yourself, and stay single...to learn more about yourself, build up some substance, self esteem and confidence. Explore some new hobbies, activities, etc.

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  6. #5
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    Hi! I can think about a couple of things that could be going on. Do you think that maybe you are afraid of being vulnerable? When you fall in love, you are vulnerable to getting your heart broken, so maybe you prefer to start a relationship where you don't feel so much so you are safe, and comfortable enough with someone who treats you well. I think this could be the case because of that first relationship you talk about: it hurts so bad to do everything for someone and still get your heart broken, so maybe after that you'd rather play it safe, expect to feel comfortable enough but then realize it's just not what you want.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are looking for comfort, ease, complacency and security. Absolutely your mental health is related to this pattern.

    Take a chance on a better choice. Your self loathing and low energy drive a lot of it as well

    Hopefully you are getting treatment and support from your doctor, therapist and friends and family..

  8. #7
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    Your low self-worth is driving you to get into relationships for the wrong reasons. The inevitable consequence is that youíre unhappy and want out, because you never really wanted to be with these guys in the first place.

    I think you need to work on sorting out you emotional health before you try dating again.

  9. #8
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    I donít see it as a relationship pattern but more of a conscious decision yuu are making.

    You are fully aware when you say yes to a second , third , fourth date and eventually yes to an exclusive relationship that you are not attracted to this person who is attracted to you.
    Then you claim not to leave them because you donít want to hurt them but do anyway.

    I doubt it has anything directly to do with your parents relationship. Their relationship may have been unhealthy but you havent suggested that was because of lack of spark / passion.

    And likely more to do with low self esteem.

    First thing I would advise you to do is to ditch the bf yuu donít like anyway. But do it nicely and honestly.

    Then take a significant time off from dating , maybe a year. Make a plan to do things for yourself in that year. Become more independent, hang out with friends , explore new hobbies and read some self help books for poor self esteem.

    Good luck in making better choices!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It's not really helpful to ask a bunch of strangers to guess your own reasons for making the choices you make.

    Why do YOU believe that you opt to settle for dating guys you're not happy with?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just like on any road to recovery, the first step is to admit you have a problem, so that's a good start. You remind me of a friend I had, who was very passive about men always selecting her and she would just go with it, even though they were inappropriate for her. She has yet to be successful in that dept. after 3 failed marriages and numerous other relationships.

    The guy you're with wouldn't want to be with you if he could crawl inside your brain to know what you thought of him. Free him to be with someone who will be crazy about him.

    Like others have said, work on your self esteem by reading articles, books, and/or attending therapy. And then make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list for when you do decide to date again. Cut off anyone quickly who lacks must-haves and possesses dealbreakers. Dating smarter will likely result in better success in that dept. Take care.

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