Jump to content

Life without oral sex :-( long term relationship disaster waiting to happen?


Jehst1987

Recommended Posts

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year and we’ve been an exclusive couple for just over 6-months. We’re both in our early 30s and she has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship.

 

Reflecting back, it took me a while to commit as I had reservations about taking on a step-dad role, and I wasn’t 100% convinced we had the passionate spark we all look for.

 

Although I enjoyed the bachelor life and all the associated perks, 6-months in I decided to commit fully. I concluded I was be silly not to. She’s attractive, incredibly kind and extremely fun too. She really is an incredible person and we’ve grown to love each other very much.

 

Due to COVID we’ve been living together for 4-months and at the end of the month I’m due to move out of mine and into her place.

 

However...I’m stressing a little now. In short, our sex life as a couple is relatively plain and average, and I’m worried I wouldn’t be 100% satisfied long-term.

 

I’ve enjoyed a lot of sex with different women throughout my adult life. Fair to say, I really enjoy sex and place a lot of value on it. I’ve had some great sexual partners and others where our chemistry just wasn’t quite there.

 

Although my girlfriend and I are very compatible in many ways, my worry is our sexual chemistry isn’t strong enough to see us through a long-term committed relationship.

 

In 1-year she’s given me oral sex just once. I give it to her almost every time we have sex. I enjoy it and enjoy pleasuring her too. She also doesn’t ever climax. She claims to have only ever once in her life. I miss a partner who cums with me. As a result, I’ve stopped trying to make her cum and sex has become...well, pretty average. She’s happy with just 2 positions, on-top or missionary. Every so often I’ll ask to mix it up, but she doesn’t seem comfortable. She dresses up occasionally and looks incredible, so I like that about her!

 

I’ve tried talking to her about oral sex and she said she realises she needs to reciprocate the effort, but then doesn’t.

 

What do I do...!? I miss passionate sex and I’m not sure I can go through life without it, regardless of how much I love someone. I’m a bit of a committed phobe at the best of time and this is adding to the anxiety.

 

I’ll talk to her again and see if anything changes. If it does, I wonder if it would feel unnatural and forced for us both.

 

What do you think?

Link to comment
  • Replies 63
  • Created
  • Last Reply

You were both dating others or free to until 6 months ago.

Then 2 months later you are living together due to covid. Why?

Because travel restrictions meant you had to ?

 

And now 4 months later you are going to make that living arrangement permanent. Again why?

 

Doesn’t sound like commitment to me. More like convenience.

 

Is her daughters father present in her life? As a teenager she doesn’t need a step dad so I don’t believe you were ever going to be in that role.

 

As for sexual compatibility. Well you just aren’t compatible.

Some people are ok with that depending on their priorities.

 

She clearly is not interested in performing oral sex and never will be.

So to get it from her is to either beg her or guilt her into it.

 

You are not interested in committing to her. So don’t pretend to be by temporarily moving in with her.

 

You are still very much in the honeymoon phase and you need to stay put in your bachelor pad until you decide what actually matters to you.

 

You cannot move in with her when you have no clue what that is yet. It’s unfair to all but especially her and her daughter.

Link to comment

You're complaining over no oral sex, not enough positions, not enough dressing up, etc. Are you sure you want a gf, and not a porn star?

It sounds like your current sex life is what the majority of people's sex lives are.

 

People have to work, they have kids to look after, finances to take care of, etc. Yes, sex is important, but I think you're making way too big of a deal out of this.

The way you've explained it, you are getting a decent amount of sex. You just want it to be more porn like and that's not realistic for the majority of women.

 

You also admitting that you've slept around (and with some pretty raunchy women by the sounds of it), is nothing something to be proud of. It sounds more like you're a sex addict and maybe that's something you need to actually consider.

 

But seeing as you are judging her, criticising her, moving in doesn't sound like a good idea.

It sounds more like you're more equipped for one night stands or flings, and not a long term partner.

Link to comment
Also begging for BJ's is tiring for both of you.

 

I think any grown woman with responsibilities would 110% agree with this. It's just not a priority when facing adult life. Nice when it happens, but people have more pressing issues.

 

If you hadn't had sex in any form at all in months and months, then you might have a reason to complain.

Link to comment

Thanks for the response @Billie28.

 

You’ve asked some good questions that forced me to step back and look at what’s happened.

 

Yes, we dated for 6-months but committed at Christmas. In March the country went into lockdown. Her and her daughter were at mine when it was announced, and that how it stayed for the next several months. She didn’t want to go home and I didn’t want to force her too either. Whilst I needed space sometimes, I also very much enjoyed having them around and we all needed the comfort.

 

We’re very compatible in terms of living together and given we’re paying for two mortgages we decided it made sense to move in together. You’re right though, perhaps COVID and the economic impact accelerated that decision too much and we should step back and realign. That’s what I’m trying to do by writing this post and seeking advice.

 

The daughter is looking for a male role model. Her relationship with her dad isn’t the best. They see each other once or twice a year. The last thing I want to do is have a negative impact on her life or happiness, that’s why it took me so long to commit in the first instance.

 

I agree though, I should put the move on hold until things have settled and I can reaccess things until normal circumstance.

Link to comment

I second Billie28. You are not compatible sexually or otherwise.

 

For me oral sex and different positions are just the basic stuff. No oral sex is definitely a deal breaker. I suggest you revert back to the good old raunchy women we all love.

Link to comment
Reflecting back, it took me a while to commit as I had reservations about taking on a step-dad role, and I wasn’t 100% convinced we had the passionate spark we all look for.

 

So it turns out, you don't. Not the sort of spark you would like, anyway.

 

She doesn't like giving oral sex. That's not going to change by asking about it again. Sure, she might concede and do it anyway because she knows you like it, but it won't be coming from a place of willing enthusiasm, you know? I don't think you'll find it very enjoyable under those circumstances, since you know she doesn't enjoy it either.

 

You two have very different sexual preferences, and it sounds as though you committed not necessarily because you naturally wanted to, but because you couldn't find a tangible reason why you shouldn't. Those are different ballgames, and you're seeing why the latter doesn't really translate well for all practical purposes. Don't move in yet. This much anxiety is a clear indication that it's not the right time, and may not be the right relationship for you to take to the next level.

Link to comment
Thanks for the response @Billie28.

 

You’ve asked some good questions that forced me to step back and look at what’s happened.

 

Yes, we dated for 6-months but committed at Christmas. In March the country went into lockdown. Her and her daughter were at mine when it was announced, and that how it stayed for the next several months. She didn’t want to go home and I didn’t want to force her too either. Whilst I needed space sometimes, I also very much enjoyed having them around and we all needed the comfort.

 

We’re very compatible in terms of living together and given we’re paying for two mortgages we decided it made sense to move in together. You’re right though, perhaps COVID and the economic impact accelerated that decision too much and we should step back and realign. That’s what I’m trying to do by writing this post and seeking advice.

 

The daughter is looking for a male role model. Her relationship with her dad isn’t the best. They see each other once or twice a year. The last thing I want to do is have a negative impact on her life or happiness, that’s why it took me so long to commit in the first instance.

 

I agree though, I should put the move on hold until things have settled and I can reaccess things until normal circumstance.

 

I know you are not throwing a tantrum over oral sex and if you notice it was the last thing I addressed since it was really the least important thing.

 

Supposedly when lockdown was announced , people had the option to be where they want to be for that announcement.

Most chose to be at home. However on announcement your gf and daughter could simply have gone home. They didn’t.

But that speaks volumes on what she wants and not much about your wants.

 

And 4 months later , yuu still are not sure? Are you actually going to tell me that in 4 months she never went to her home she pays a mortgage on? I seriously doubt that.

 

So you both have used Covid as an excuse to live together but not commit. Right?

 

You both have lived perfectly fine paying your own mortgages , so to live together would be purely financial savings.

But no commitment.

 

Her daughter seeks a male role model? Then be one. If you want to. However , if her daughter were to subsequently find out that you moved in with her mother purely for self financial gain and unsure about the lack of oral sex she gave you and you eventually split because of sexual incompatibility, what kind of make role model is that?

 

If you want financial savings , then get a roommate.

 

Your gf prob doesn’t have that option given she has a daughter using another bedroom , but you as a bachelor do.

If you want to impart that savings eventually to your gf if or when you do decide to commit then in the meantime put your roommates rent into a savings account.

Link to comment

It will be a mistake to move forward with this relationship.

 

Everything you said, that lead you up to this point seemed like ok decisions. But now you have a situation where she knows there is a problem and she's not doing anything about it.

 

That is very telling. So you have to take that info and decide for yourself. This isn't improving. its probably not going to. is this a deal break?

 

Compatibility, shared values, and same goals, thats what makes a relationship rewarding and successful.

 

Why would you make a deeper commitment to something that isn't what you actually want out of life? AND THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED!

 

Just stop. I want to think you could tell her and she would change because she should want to meet your needs. But I have the feeling, given time, this incompatibility will lead to the end of the relationship anyway. It will just be much more traumatic. sorry.

Link to comment

I’ve tried talking to her about oral sex and she said she realises she needs to reciprocate the effort, but then doesn’t. [/b

 

That's selfish behavior on her part. So basically what she does is wriggles around, makes noises, allows you to do things to her and to penetrate her body. You're giving and she's taking. And the fact that she doesn't climax? This is the first year where people are normally on overdrive with having sex. When she gets no pleasure from the act, expect the amount to dwindle over time. She doesn't care that you're not satisfied with the lack of oral pleasure from her. Do you really think she'll care when you start asking to go back to the regular amount of sex you once engaged in?

 

I would call this a dealbreaker. You can only choose one person on the planet if you're choosing an exclusive situation. If this is the lady you're going to do that with, you're settling, even with the good traits she does possess.

Link to comment

I find it interesting that you say sex is important to you, but have committed to someone, and to moving in, with whom you don't have satisfying sex with. Can't say that sounds like a great way to work on the "commitment phobe" business so much as to reinforce that self-identity.

 

What you want sexually? Sounds pretty base line to my eyes, not porn star stuff. But also sounds like it's not something you're able to cultivate with her. In your shoes, I'd have chalked that up to major incompatibility at around two months, as I'm not someone who believes sexual compatibility is something to "work on," but rather view it more in line with intellectual and spiritual compatibility: it's there, or it's not, and you learn that pretty quickly.

 

Perhaps, in this, you've swung the pendulum a bit too far? You've done saucy and casual, realizing the limitations there: a craving for more depth and stability, alongside the sizzle. Now you've realized the limitations in trying to cut hot sauce out of the diet completely in the name of "maturity" or what have you. What you need to feel nourished sounds like it's somewhere in the middle, but something that this union doesn't produce.

Link to comment

Whose idea was moving in together? Are either of you unemployed or struggling financially? It's a poor choice, since you already know the incompatibilities. Her daughter is not your responsibility, even though you need to accept a woman's children when you are dating.

 

"Mom's live-in bf" has zero status as far as her child goes. Being her tenant is a very foolish idea and also leaves you in a very poor situation.

 

Good idea to hold off and reflect. Fools rush in, especially in this case with the 'commitmentphobe' label for yourself and the need for sex that she has no interest in and can't satisfy.

We’re very compatible in terms of living together and given we’re paying for two mortgages we decided it made sense to move in together.

The daughter is looking for a male role model.

Link to comment

I can’t remember which of us suggested it, but it’s evolved over the period of a few months. I do think the fact I’m unemployed, plus the move to remote working for most companies has accelerated the conversation and move.

 

I think you’re absolutely right. I should put the breaks on, have a talk with her about our concerns and discuss how to move forward if that’s what we decide.

 

It feels terrible as she is an incredible person and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had in many ways. It’s now a case of understanding whether the sexual chemistry is strong enough/important enough to prioritise over everything else.

 

I had my concerns initially, but all the amazing positive traits outweighted the concerns and the sex isn’t bad, it’s just pretty unadventurous, exciting, passionate, etc already and the concern it will deteriorate further. I’m sure I could be making even more effort though too.

 

She’s a very selfless person. It’s clear that she doesn’t doesn’t like/or need certain things in the bedroom.

 

Thanks so much for all the replies though everyone, really helping.

Link to comment

How does years and years of your sex life exactly as it is today sound to you?

 

You should never proceed with a relationship expecting or hoping for the other party to "change" or "adjust". Generally, what you see is what you get.

 

If years of this exact same sex life does not appeal to you, don't move in. At the very least. And do not make important relationship decisions based on convenience or finances.

 

BTW, I am not a "porn star" and I appreciate and love an adventurous sex life. Being an adult and having kids never meant it was no longer important to me. It just meant I needed a partner with a similar sex drive.

Link to comment

End it.

 

You are not sexually compatible. Taking on a other man's child is a massive thing and not a good thing to do if you are both this incompatible. You should be in the honeymoon phase with eahc other still. You are doing all the giving, she's doing the taking and not repayong the favour.

 

I'd cut cut my losses and wish them both well and move on.

Link to comment

Hey! I believe it comes down to one thing. When the house has a broken light, do you move or do you change the light??

 

It's easy to judge and step away when something isn't working for you. But if you believe that you are compatible on long term on other things, it could be good to sit down and think whether those other areas are more or less important. Truth is, in sex sometimes chemistry is right there, sometimes you have to build it as a couple. And I do believe that most of the time it can be done, unless there are underlying ideas that often come from religion, previous toxic households and so on.

 

However, you cannot build compatibility on everyday matters, such as problem solving, families, money handling, etc. So I would say, if you guys are compatible on those other things, it would be good to try and talk about what you like in bed. Maybe she doesn't like oral sex, and she might be thinking just the same thing you are asking...? What I mean, in the end, is that relationships don't work like clothes, as in if it fits fine, if it doesn't then you change it. Relationships are built, over time and with communication. But that depends, of course, if you are willing to do it. Maybe she's just not the one, so if the mere idea of building, communicating, trial and error tires you, then perhaps it's not the best.

Link to comment
BTW, I am not a "porn star" and I appreciate and love an adventurous sex life. Being an adult and having kids never meant it was no longer important to me. It just meant I needed a partner with a similar sex drive.

 

Same here.

 

There are plenty of women out there who enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, trying new positions and so on, who are most definitely not porn stars or hussies. This woman happens to have different preferences, but there are lots of us whose preferences and drives are similar to yours too, OP.

 

What you're searching for is not that extreme or unrealistic, but you're searching for it from a woman whose tastes don't line up with yours.

Link to comment

Im a 65 year old woman....have always given bj's. Don't like oral on me....makes me uncomfortable. Have never climaxed during sex...only with vibrator. And that wasn't until my 30's....and trying hard to achieve one! lol I have talked to gf's that have told me they were married and never gave bj's. They found it disgusting....but have been happily married for MANY years! So....would you give up a woman who is amazing in every way......but doesn't like giving bj's….for a woman who might NOT be amazing, kind, attractive...but is really HOT in bed. Sometimes you just can't expect to have it all.

 

My sis got married in her late 40's. She too says, her husband isn't the best sex she's ever had. Thinks he's a horrible kisser, but thought she could teach him. She couldn't. They've been married over 10 years, and divorce is not in the future. She said if she could put all 3 of her major relationships into one person....she'd have the perfect man. But who can do that? No one is perfect. My feelings are, pick your battles. I have 2 different gf's and we were talking...sounds like sex is about nil for them. Mostly because of ED in their husbands. But do they leave? Hell no.

 

So I say, commitment phobe that you are.....are you just looking for excuses to leave? I mean...if she wasn't putting out at all...that would be a problem. But you ARE having sex. That's a lot more than many men on this site...and out in the world....are having!

Link to comment
Im a 65 year old woman....have always given bj's. Don't like oral on me....makes me uncomfortable. Have never climaxed during sex...only with vibrator. And that wasn't until my 30's....and trying hard to achieve one! lol I have talked to gf's that have told me they were married and never gave bj's. They found it disgusting....but have been happily married for MANY years! So....would you give up a woman who is amazing in every way......but doesn't like giving bj's….for a woman who might NOT be amazing, kind, attractive...but is really HOT in bed. Sometimes you just can't expect to have it all.

 

My sis got married in her late 40's. She too says, her husband isn't the best sex she's ever had. Thinks he's a horrible kisser, but thought she could teach him. She couldn't. They've been married over 10 years, and divorce is not in the future. She said if she could put all 3 of her major relationships into one person....she'd have the perfect man. But who can do that? No one is perfect. My feelings are, pick your battles. I have 2 different gf's and we were talking...sounds like sex is about nil for them. Mostly because of ED in their husbands. But do they leave? Hell no.

 

So I say, commitment phobe that you are.....are you just looking for excuses to leave? I mean...if she wasn't putting out at all...that would be a problem. But you ARE having sex. That's a lot more than many men on this site...and out in the world....are having!

 

Because some people thrive in misery it doesn't make someone a commitment phobe. And because people stay 30 years in a marriage does not mean they are satisfied with the relationship. That's why so many people cheat.

 

They are just incompatible, it is not that complex

Link to comment

Someone who isn't willing to build things in a relationship just because they are not married, won't do it once they're married. That's one of the reasons behind the high divorce rates. Being compatible doesn't mean that EVERY single aspect of the relationship is perfect without trying. Believing that is the path to failure. Nobody is perfect, starting with ourselves. If things are off, repair them. If they can't be repaired, then leave, but leaving because the house isn't furnished as you like before you got there is just not the way for a healthy relationship, I believe.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...