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Thread: Life without oral sex :-( long term relationship disaster waiting to happen?

  1. #1
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    Life without oral sex :-( long term relationship disaster waiting to happen?

    Iíve been dating my girlfriend for a year and weíve been an exclusive couple for just over 6-months. Weíre both in our early 30s and she has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship.

    Reflecting back, it took me a while to commit as I had reservations about taking on a step-dad role, and I wasnít 100% convinced we had the passionate spark we all look for.

    Although I enjoyed the bachelor life and all the associated perks, 6-months in I decided to commit fully. I concluded I was be silly not to. Sheís attractive, incredibly kind and extremely fun too. She really is an incredible person and weíve grown to love each other very much.

    Due to COVID weíve been living together for 4-months and at the end of the month Iím due to move out of mine and into her place.

    However...Iím stressing a little now. In short, our sex life as a couple is relatively plain and average, and Iím worried I wouldnít be 100% satisfied long-term.

    Iíve enjoyed a lot of sex with different women throughout my adult life. Fair to say, I really enjoy sex and place a lot of value on it. Iíve had some great sexual partners and others where our chemistry just wasnít quite there.

    Although my girlfriend and I are very compatible in many ways, my worry is our sexual chemistry isnít strong enough to see us through a long-term committed relationship.

    In 1-year sheís given me oral sex just once. I give it to her almost every time we have sex. I enjoy it and enjoy pleasuring her too. She also doesnít ever climax. She claims to have only ever once in her life. I miss a partner who cums with me. As a result, Iíve stopped trying to make her cum and sex has become...well, pretty average. Sheís happy with just 2 positions, on-top or missionary. Every so often Iíll ask to mix it up, but she doesnít seem comfortable. She dresses up occasionally and looks incredible, so I like that about her!

    Iíve tried talking to her about oral sex and she said she realises she needs to reciprocate the effort, but then doesnít.

    What do I do...!? I miss passionate sex and Iím not sure I can go through life without it, regardless of how much I love someone. Iím a bit of a committed phobe at the best of time and this is adding to the anxiety.

    Iíll talk to her again and see if anything changes. If it does, I wonder if it would feel unnatural and forced for us both.

    What do you think? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't move in with her and her child. It's too soon and you are incompatible on too many levels. Step away from this. She has priorities and responsibilities with her daughter. Also begging for BJ's is tiring for both of you.

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    You were both dating others or free to until 6 months ago.
    Then 2 months later you are living together due to covid. Why?
    Because travel restrictions meant you had to ?

    And now 4 months later you are going to make that living arrangement permanent. Again why?

    Doesnít sound like commitment to me. More like convenience.

    Is her daughters father present in her life? As a teenager she doesnít need a step dad so I donít believe you were ever going to be in that role.

    As for sexual compatibility. Well you just arenít compatible.
    Some people are ok with that depending on their priorities.

    She clearly is not interested in performing oral sex and never will be.
    So to get it from her is to either beg her or guilt her into it.

    You are not interested in committing to her. So donít pretend to be by temporarily moving in with her.

    You are still very much in the honeymoon phase and you need to stay put in your bachelor pad until you decide what actually matters to you.

    You cannot move in with her when you have no clue what that is yet. Itís unfair to all but especially her and her daughter.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're complaining over no oral sex, not enough positions, not enough dressing up, etc. Are you sure you want a gf, and not a porn star?
    It sounds like your current sex life is what the majority of people's sex lives are.

    People have to work, they have kids to look after, finances to take care of, etc. Yes, sex is important, but I think you're making way too big of a deal out of this.
    The way you've explained it, you are getting a decent amount of sex. You just want it to be more porn like and that's not realistic for the majority of women.

    You also admitting that you've slept around (and with some pretty raunchy women by the sounds of it), is nothing something to be proud of. It sounds more like you're a sex addict and maybe that's something you need to actually consider.

    But seeing as you are judging her, criticising her, moving in doesn't sound like a good idea.
    It sounds more like you're more equipped for one night stands or flings, and not a long term partner.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Also begging for BJ's is tiring for both of you.
    I think any grown woman with responsibilities would 110% agree with this. It's just not a priority when facing adult life. Nice when it happens, but people have more pressing issues.

    If you hadn't had sex in any form at all in months and months, then you might have a reason to complain.

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    Thanks for the response @Billie28.

    Youíve asked some good questions that forced me to step back and look at whatís happened.

    Yes, we dated for 6-months but committed at Christmas. In March the country went into lockdown. Her and her daughter were at mine when it was announced, and that how it stayed for the next several months. She didnít want to go home and I didnít want to force her too either. Whilst I needed space sometimes, I also very much enjoyed having them around and we all needed the comfort.

    Weíre very compatible in terms of living together and given weíre paying for two mortgages we decided it made sense to move in together. Youíre right though, perhaps COVID and the economic impact accelerated that decision too much and we should step back and realign. Thatís what Iím trying to do by writing this post and seeking advice.

    The daughter is looking for a male role model. Her relationship with her dad isnít the best. They see each other once or twice a year. The last thing I want to do is have a negative impact on her life or happiness, thatís why it took me so long to commit in the first instance.

    I agree though, I should put the move on hold until things have settled and I can reaccess things until normal circumstance.

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    To be clear, Iím not having a tantrum about oral sex. Iím concerned about long term sexual compatibility.

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    I second Billie28. You are not compatible sexually or otherwise.

    For me oral sex and different positions are just the basic stuff. No oral sex is definitely a deal breaker. I suggest you revert back to the good old raunchy women we all love.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Ha ha, Dias. At least your honest, sir. I know you're more into the flings, but at least you don't pretend to be any different.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Jehst1987
    Reflecting back, it took me a while to commit as I had reservations about taking on a step-dad role, and I wasnít 100% convinced we had the passionate spark we all look for.
    So it turns out, you don't. Not the sort of spark you would like, anyway.

    She doesn't like giving oral sex. That's not going to change by asking about it again. Sure, she might concede and do it anyway because she knows you like it, but it won't be coming from a place of willing enthusiasm, you know? I don't think you'll find it very enjoyable under those circumstances, since you know she doesn't enjoy it either.

    You two have very different sexual preferences, and it sounds as though you committed not necessarily because you naturally wanted to, but because you couldn't find a tangible reason why you shouldn't. Those are different ballgames, and you're seeing why the latter doesn't really translate well for all practical purposes. Don't move in yet. This much anxiety is a clear indication that it's not the right time, and may not be the right relationship for you to take to the next level.

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